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Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 7:38:15 AM

chesterfieldmale

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Joined: 5/2/2011
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Hi, all!

I have a coworker whom I suspect may be a submissive at heart and not know it. From our conversations, I infer that she has lived a somewhat sheltered life and doesn't know that BDSM exists. The 1st day I worked with her, she was calling me "sir" even though we are close to the same age. (In a BDSM relationship, that's OK, but in the vanilla world it annoys the heck out of me!) that's been addressed, but when I tell her that she CAN do something, somehow she ends up asking me if I want her to do it even though I've done everything I can to make it clear that she has options. We work in a very public setting where "personal" conversation is not practical, and our work schedules aren't conducive to meeting away from work at the moment. On the positive side, I like her, and she is "my type" physically. I'd really like to figure out if she is in fact a submissive but given the context of the above am not sure how to go about it. Even if she is, I really don't think she knows it. Any thoughts/suggestions?

Thanks!

Allen

Post #: 1

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 7:51:17 AM

mnottertail

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well wait until you can work your schedules out, because if you're looking to spark her, 90% of it will be just showing up.

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Post #: 2

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 7:55:33 AM

Arpig

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Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I suggest asking her out on a date and getting to know her.

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RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 7:56:22 AM

NocturnalStalker

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Dominant/submissive personalities aren't exclusive to this sort of stuff. Some people have never tied a wrist in their life but love to be in control of things in general. From the outside-looking-in she appears to be prone to being the submissive partner in a relationship and since I assume you feel as though you're a dominant, that should be all the clarity you truly need to pursue her.

Then again, she may just have a polite personality to the general public and be completely different one-on-one and when comfort has been reached. Even if that were the case, I think being restricted by a label is stupid and extremely restricting to one person's options.

Oh and, it may be a good idea to not complicate your workplace by striking a relationship with a co-worker.

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RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 8:02:03 AM

searching4mysir

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Are you her supervisor in any way? If so, it could end up badly with a sexual harassment suit which could destroy your career.

Think with the big head and not the little one when it comes to getting your honey where you get your money.

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Post #: 5

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 8:08:30 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
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This is an interesting scenario, as there are many people that are submissive in behavior without
it having anything to do with BDSM. There are also many people that are just shy and very passive,
which has nothing to with being submissive in the BDSM context that you may be thinking of.
I can imagine how awkward it would be for both of you if you were to ask "Hey, are you a submissive?"

Then you have the fact that she is a coworker. How would your attraction to her be handled on a
vanilla level? Would it be wise for you to act on your attraction to her? What does the company
think about office romances? If that isn't an issue, then ask her out, and get to know her/date her
as a woman first. You will soon see if she is comfortable in following your lead.

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RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 8:08:31 AM

LillyBoPeep

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a lot of these sorts of things were the way i was "found out," and i was really happy for someone to finally "show me the way." so you might be onto something.
don't even worry about trying to talk to her at work. does she seem like she'd like a friend? if so, just try to become friendly with her, and maybe you can start hanging out on the weekends.
of course, if you are her supervisor (you were irritated by being called 'sir' so i'm guessing you're not, but just in case...) you have to be careful in case your job has a "no fraternization" policy -- find out about that before you continue. one or both of you could lose your jobs if you're found out.

anyway, if she's kinda shy but is open to being friends, just start there slowly. you can invite her over and see how she responds to you in a non-work environment.
with me, my tendency to automatically defer, or ask if he needed something, or be a gopher, was sort of how he figured it out. he made a comment about how he didn't like a caption on one of my pictures, so i changed it. he would give me little tasks and see how i responded to them. he made me feel safe in doing that, and made it all seem totally natural, so i responded to him.

for some people, though, this kind of behavior isn't necessarily about responding to your sense of Dominance, it could be that she's very shy and lacks self-motivation and direction. she could be codependent or in some other not-so-healthy state of mind. so you need to just go slowly, don't make too many assumptions, become ordinary friends with her and see how you guys interact when you're somewhere BESIDES work. she might be trying to be super professional, or she's worried about getting fired -- is she new to the job?
away from work, she might be different.

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RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 8:10:39 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I suggest asking her out on a date and getting to know her.

And then gradually coax her to the dark side. (Assuming you are not her supervisor.)

Hey Arpig - love the way you worked the Animals art in your new av!

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 8

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 8:20:31 AM

Iamsemisweet

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From: The Great Northwest, USA
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Workplace romances often get very complicated. Are you prepared to change jobs if it goes badly, or even if it goes well? It is just not an ideal situation. If you are here supervisor, it may even violate compan policy. This pesky sexual harassment lawsuits, you know. I may come down to, which is more important, the sub or the job?

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Post #: 9

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 8:43:54 AM

chesterfieldmale

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Couple of clarifications:

1. I am not her supervisor. I've been there about 7 months longer than she has and am far more comfortable with the tiny amount of technology that we use, but that's it.

2. The company almost openly encourages fraternization as long as it's not with a supervisor.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 10

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 8:51:13 AM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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Workplace romances are difficult under the best of circumstances. Add a little kink to the mix, and it could literally be unemployment waiting to happen.

If you really like this woman, and aren't just curious whether or not she is submissive, get to know her AS A FRIEND. If both of you think that you would like to take it further, one of you should just look for a new position before starting. I know this sounds very old fashioned or something, but...if the relationship doesn't work out, the problems being at the same job will be difficult, and you will be the talk of the company. Plus while one of you looks for a new position, you get the bonus of anticipation.

ETA: "Fraternization" doesn't necessarily mean intimate relationships to employers. Of course, the company could use that policy as a means of getting rid of employees.

< Message edited by LafayetteLady -- 10/28/2011 8:53:20 AM >

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RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 8:56:40 AM

tj444

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you ever heard the saying "You don't fuck where you eat"?

While dating someone you work with does work out for some, it can end in disaster for both if it doesnt.

Imo, with her sheltered life, she just doesnt have confidence in her ability to do her work and probably needs more and better training.... at work, I mean...

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RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 8:58:38 AM

Missokyst

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Passive and unsure is not the same as submissive. You point out you have been there longer, she may feel you are approchable and unintimidating.
If you like her ask her out as a person, not as a submissive.

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“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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Post #: 13

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 9:10:02 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Joined: 12/29/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chesterfieldmale

Couple of clarifications:

1. I am not her supervisor. I've been there about 7 months longer than she has and am far more comfortable with the tiny amount of technology that we use, but that's it.

2. The company almost openly encourages fraternization as long as it's not with a supervisor.

i would say, just try to become friends, and then see what you can ascertain from there.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

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Post #: 14

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 9:56:52 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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It could be that she simply has business etiquette. I called men "Sir" and women "Ma'am" all the time where I worked despite their age because that's what I was taught to do in business situations and it's always stuck. It helps to climb the ladder when you do so.

And imo, you don't date where you work. It becomes complicated and messy.

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Post #: 15

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 10:26:28 AM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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At work, I act as if I am equal to or dominant to everyone but the owner. In the bedroom, it's a whole 'nother story.

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Post #: 16

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 10:28:00 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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You're making unwarranted assumptions. She may well call you sir to keep you at arms distance because she can sense you're interested in her and she doesn't want the aggravation of telling you no. She could be asking you about the job because you've done it longer and she doesn't know what she should do and what you should do. In which case she just doesn't want to step on your toes. The way to deal with this is for you two to divide the responsibilities in half since your boss hasn't already done so.

I do not think it is ever a good idea to date a coworker. Beyond that, one who has very little dating experience should not be assumed to be kinky. And remember, submissive doesn't equal kinky.

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RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 10:49:29 AM

mnottertail

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chesterfieldmale

Couple of clarifications:

1. I am not her supervisor. I've been there about 7 months longer than she has and am far more comfortable with the tiny amount of technology that we use, but that's it.

2. The company almost openly encourages fraternization as long as it's not with a supervisor.

SSSSSSSWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTT!

Drag her in a broom closet and fuck the shit out of her.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to chesterfieldmale)

Post #: 18

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 12:19:07 PM

RumpusParable

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From: NYC now!
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In addition to what others have said, you mentioned that she has a very sheltered background. That may entirely be why she acts the way she does and have nothing to do with being submissive.

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Post #: 19

RE: Coworker may unknowingly be submissive - 10/28/2011 1:05:13 PM

DonGiovani

Posts: 129
Joined: 8/28/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

Are you her supervisor in any way? If so, it could end up badly with a sexual harassment suit which could destroy your career.

Think with the big head and not the little one when it comes to getting your honey where you get your money.

QFT

Ask me how I know...

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 20

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