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I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:22:27 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		All of my life I have been in relationships with Dominant men. I am fulfilled in these relationships because at my core I have a genuine desire to please my partner. Their power over me has not come through force. It has not come because they came upon some detailed set of Dominant guidelines, rulebook or preset actions. Their Dominant role has come to them in the same way that my submissive role has come to me….it is who they are in their most natural state. For twenty-eight years now this is the way it’s been and it has worked out extremely well for all parties involved.

When I come on these boards some days I walk away feeling like I just don’t belong here. As I read the thoughts and words of MANY of the submissives here I find that I just can NOT relate, and I walk away feeling like, if that is what it takes to be able to consider yourself submissive, then I am clearly not one.  I find comfort in the words of a few who seem to emit an echo of what resonates inside of me, but they seem to be the exception and certainly not the rule.

Everything that I do within a relationship I do out of my genuine desire to please my partner. If my Dominant partner tells me that there is something about me that is not pleasing him…..my genuine desire drives me to make changes. My relationships have worked because of that genuine desire.

I could not be fulfilled in a relationship with someone who has some inner need to be a control freak and micromanage my life. I am sure that it is no surprise to anyone on these boards that I believe very passionately in being a rational adult who can openly communicate their needs and desires and who accepts the responsibility of all of their actions.

In reading the advice that is given on these boards frequently, I come across things that make me wonder if some people in this lifestyle really believe that a submissive can not function without being constantly told how to. Things like having to rely upon your Dom to tell you when or how you can talk, rely upon your Dom to make you lose weight, rely upon your Dom, rely upon your Dom, rely upon your Dom…it starts to sound like a broken record or a mantra being chanted by mindless drones.

So here is where I just don’t feel like I can fit. It would be a cold day in hell before I found myself involved with a man who thought that I was not intelligent enough or responsible enough to know how to talk, when to talk, when I needed to lose weight, how to look, how to think, how to eat, when I need to go to the bathroom, when I need to shower, or what appropriate or inappropriate behavior is. Holy crap I’m grown up for gosh sakes.

I serve because as I said, I have a genuine desire that drives me to do so, not because I want to be involved in some cool and popular role playing game that has rules dictated by the masses. I WANT to know the different nuances of the partner I am with and I will seek those out through communication. I want to know how he likes his steak cooked, how he likes his feet rubbed, how he prefers to be awakened, how he likes his home environment, the million other things he does like and the million other things he doesn’t. I WANT to know these things BECAUSE I want to please him. I DON’T want him to tell me how to be an adult and take responsibility for myself…that much I’m perfectly capable of doing without his help.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 5/26/2006 10:25:24 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:28:50 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		There's your problem, Erin.. you're too well balanced.

Don't sweat it though. Egads, if I had a dollar for every dominant who told me I wasn't submissive 'enough' I'd open a car wash. You are what you are and generally speaking, being true to that is the best path to happiness and fulfillment. Don't worry about what other people are doing unless they're infringing on your pursuit of happiness.. then you can get out the shot gun and go after them.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:31:53 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		All mine needs to do is mention in passing that he prefers or likes something one way or another and it is tucked away in my brain for future use.  He has told me that I am a good listener as he often doesn't remember even mentioning things that I do for him from this list of "tucked away" things.

However, I do have my own mind, my own spunk and my own sense of being.  No one will ever be able to take away from me the person whom I am.  I'll never be slave material.  And I have no desire to worship at my Dominant's feet.

Now, that being said, I think there are alot of us on this board that are in this category.  Bitatrouble comes to mind immediately.  Sometimes I wonder if there is a category that would be "Barely Submissive"? 


_____________________________


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:34:09 AM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		Personally, I find boxes to be a bit too confining. Why on earth would I want to classify myself as only one thing, when I have the capability of being many things  It's what makes life so wonderful and full of meaning; being able to experience everything that is out there without limit.
 
You know who you are, and what you are; but more importantly, you recognize who you could become. That is all that should matter.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:38:58 AM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		Listen. I think youre doing ok here on this site. You've got over 1800 posts! Not only does it look like you fit right in, it looks like you might be in charage of all the conversations! Youre doing fine. I just think youve been insulted at the thought thtat people think subs arent smart or something. So re-read the boards and see how many people here really do have smarts. Thats why I like this place. Smarts abound. You included.

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:40:27 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		I agree - it's possible to be a great sub, and to make your Master/Dom/Top very happy, without losing yourself and your identity.

To each their own.  I've had great Doms, and they didn't expect or want me to be utterly dependent for every little thing. 

mistoferin, you're not alone, there's a lot of us out here.

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:44:56 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		There is nothing wrong with you being the submissive you are in the way that pleases you, erin.  As you note, it has worked extremely well for you and your partners through the years.  How does one find fault with that?

Your type of submission may not fit every dominant.  The type of dominant you describe as a micro-managing type probably is the best example...but they work for the types of submissives who do want their lives micro-managed.  I agree...I want an adult.  I don't want to have to raise someone...I've done that with two kids already...got the graying, thinning hair and a vertical crease in my forehead to show for it.


(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:45:07 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Mist,

Are you telling me that if you found some man who's mere voice made you weak in the knees, under who's touch you melted, and to whom you craved the chance to serve told you over dinner that it would please him to see you as a blond for a while, or who having just done something to stroke your submissive fires looked you straight in the eye and without a word set your plate on the floor you would not know what to do?

Somehow I think you would move with grace and clarity and be quite happy sitting at his feet finishing your dinner as his hands gently stroked your hair.

(in reply to Sunshine119)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:47:13 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

All mine needs to do is mention in passing that he prefers or likes something one way or another and it is tucked away in my brain for future use.  He has told me that I am a good listener as he often doesn't remember even mentioning things that I do for him from this list of "tucked away" things.

However, I do have my own mind, my own spunk and my own sense of being.  No one will ever be able to take away from me the person whom I am.  I'll never be slave material.  And I have no desire to worship at my Dominant's feet.

Now, that being said, I think there are alot of us on this board that are in this category.  Bitatrouble comes to mind immediately.  Sometimes I wonder if there is a category that would be "Barely Submissive"? 



Ahhhh....and you just hit the nail on the proverbial head. Why is it that being your own person would make someone less submissively or "Barely Submissive"? Where does that idea come from?

This may piss some people off but when you live in a relationship with another human being for 3 years, 5 years, 7 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc.....and your driving force is to please that other human being, through all of the good moments and the bad moments.....that IS submission. And I would go so far as to say that is submission at a level that many of the "your Dom will tell you to's" can not even begin to comprehend.

It is perfectly possible to be submissive and retain your own identity as a complete and responsible human being that does not need to be told when to walk, talk, think or pee and how to do those things.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Sunshine119)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:49:34 AM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		Mistoferin....I'm quite sure that you have set a wonderful example that many follow, such as how to be independent, intelligent and confident in your role as a submissive with your eagerness to please. There are some, but not many Doms who want a jellyfish for a slave. I know I don't!  I love your post, even when your pickin on me, you do it very cleverly and it impresses me.

SmartyPants, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to becca333)
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RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:51:57 AM   
Moloch


Posts: 1090
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Have you tried a fridge box they are pretty big!

(in reply to fastlane)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:55:08 AM   
Chaingang


Posts: 1727
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline 		Erin:

What you bring to the table is high levels of intelligence, competence, and independence. Certainly those are all assets. I can't believe someone local to you hasn't snapped you up already. I can't say I have agreed with 100% of everything you have stated here on the message boards over time - but it's probably in the 95% and up range.

The pleasures of service are great motivators for many things and take many forms.

Others may bring something different to their situations. Some may want or require greater levels of supervision. They want to be utterly under someone else's thumb. Hell, they may need it somehow - despite being intelligent, competent, and independent. Some are simply more needy up front and then get better over time because of training and learning.

No one is wrong or right, it's just different styles.



< Message edited by Chaingang -- 5/26/2006 10:57:23 AM >

_____________________________

"Everything flows, nothing stands still." (Πάντα ῥεῖ καὶ οὐδὲν μένει) - Heraclitus

(in reply to Tikkiee)
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RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:55:40 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		CrappyDom,
I absolutely would know exactly what to do. I would know it because as I said, my genuine desire is to please. "I'd really like to see what you look like as a blonde"......guess what, you'd wake up the next morning to a blonde. Simple really...and much different than "you are to dye your hair blonde!". The look that would make me eat on the floor....well, my pork chops taste just as good down there....and if that is what is pleasing to him then we are both getting our needs filled, no?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:56:25 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Didn't you start a thread like this a few months ago, too?

I find time shows everyting out.  I know I'm happy and I know my way works for me.  I also know I'm very intuitive and tend to be right about other people.

Strong relationships take strong people.  The long term relationships that last are made of strong people who respect eachothers strengths. 

The others simply don't last. 

Yes it's quite amusing/annoying to hear the doubletalk of "subs aren't doormats! but still need Protectors" but ultimately, we make the choices that we do for ourselves. 

Time reveals all in the end.

No, you don't fit into the box.  Because no one REALLY fits into a box.  You just have the insight to recognize that about yourself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 10:59:47 AM   
Ciepher


Posts: 2
Status: offline 		Boxes are for squares. XD

I can't bear micromanagement or anything that smacks of brainwashing either.

< Message edited by Ciepher -- 5/26/2006 11:01:57 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 11:01:43 AM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		L.A. said:  Because no one REALLY fits into a box.

Fastlane shakes a box of Trix at L.A. and sez "Tricks are for Kids  thilly wabbit!"


_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 11:03:15 AM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

CrappyDom,
I absolutely would know exactly what to do. I would know it because as I said, my genuine desire is to please. "I'd really like to see what you look like as a blonde"......guess what, you'd wake up the next morning to a blonde. Simple really...and much different than "you are to dye your hair blonde!". The look that would make me eat on the floor....well, my pork chops taste just as good down there....and if that is what is pleasing to him then we are both getting our needs filled, no?


Erin,

That is exactly how I feel about it.  If he compliments something he likes, or says he wonders what I'd look like blond, I would do the exact same thing.  But tell me to dye my hair blond?  Hmmmm......  A bit rebellous this one is!


_____________________________


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 11:04:38 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
No, you don't fit into the box.  Because no one REALLY fits into a box. 


"Box" on my part was a bad choice of words. I guess what I am trying to express is that even though this is a community of submissives, sometimes it seems like I am so far from what appears to be the general concensus that I feel as though I might as well be from another planet.

(and yup, the chances are good that I may have indeed started something that was at least similar....it is a feeling that seems to come more often as time goes by)

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 11:14:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
sometimes it seems like I am so far from what appears to be the general concensus that I feel as though I might as well be from another planet.

I've been feeling like that since I was 8 years old and tried to kiss another girl and promptly was outcast from everyone around me for the next 6 years.

So for me, like in Escravo's post about cheating and people were actually encouraging her to do it- while I was honestly surprised by the responses, the feeling of dissonance, or like I was an alien amongst humans, was familiar to me. 

Sometimes you move on.  I hardly ever post to my Yahoo groups anymore when I used to be a rabid poster there.  I think Collarme is big and varied enough for me to get my discussion kink on without too many cliques or ruts to develop which would stagnate the site.

You're on Planet Erin and that's what works for you. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I don't think I "fit" into the box........ - 5/26/2006 11:21:15 AM   
SweetEscravo


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		I think that what you're talking about is something almost all submissives strive for..but it is a journey to get there, and we are all in different places.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 20
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