Ask the Demon

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VandalHeart -> Ask the Demon (5/26/2006 11:27:23 PM)
OK, the Ask Loki thread seems to have died down, and I didn't want to start one of my own while it was still in full swing, but it was a hell of a lot of fun so I'm going to try it now and see how well I can pull this off. Just think of this as Dear Abby, but Dear Vandal instead. Full credit goes to Loki for inspiring me to try this.

candystripper -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/26/2006 11:49:23 PM)
Dear Vandal: i want to make Doms and Masters hard, and HNG's limp. How can i have this effect? Sincerely, candystripper

VandalHeart -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/26/2006 11:59:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper Dear Vandal: i want to make Doms and Masters hard, and HNG's limp. How can i have this effect? Sincerely, candystripper Dear Had it w/ HNGs Loki and I are collaborating on a "kill switch" to zap unsuspecting and unwanted callers over the phone. We should be able to get something working for the message board version. Until then, hold down the F13 key and press the backslash above your enter key for flacidification or the dash key next to the equal sign key for erectification. And for a really good reaction, try the tilde key in the upper left hand corner of the keyset. For people you REALLY don't like, try the escape key, but be ready to make an enemy who has literally nothing left to lose. Hope that helps, Lord Vandal Heart

LaMalinche -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:00:37 AM)
Dear Demon, Everytime I want to "pull a Riotgirl" (slap Master's cock), this little angel shows up and tells me not to. How do I get rid of the stupid beyotch? Wanting to play in Kansas Best, LaMalinche

VandalHeart -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:05:02 AM)
Dear Waiting to Play Just do what you do with Master: tell the angel that you promise you won't. Give the angel a very sincere look until it goes away, then Riotgirl without thinking about it. Remember: even if his/her head is cut off, the true Samurai (remember, that means servant) should still perform one action with certainty before he/she falls dead. So, with any luck, you can play Riotgirl twice before your body expires. See if I'm joking. Love and stern warnings, Lord Vandal Heart

candystripper -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:08:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: candystripper Dear Vandal: i want to make Doms and Masters hard, and HNG's limp. How can i have this effect? Sincerely, candystripper Dear Had it w/ HNGs Loki and I are collaborating on a "kill switch" to zap unsuspecting and unwanted callers over the phone. We should be able to get something working for the message board version. Until then, hold down the F13 key and press the backslash above your enter key for flacidification or the dash key next to the equal sign key for erectification. And for a really good reaction, try the tilde key in the upper left hand corner of the keyset. For people you REALLY don't like, try the escape key, but be ready to make an enemy who has literally nothing left to lose. Hope that helps, Lord Vandal Heart Lmao...ty Sir. Btw; Your tag expresses one of my beliefs. candystripper

VandalHeart -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:12:20 AM)
It's good to find someone of a like mind, candy.

candystripper -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:22:27 AM)
Dear Vandal: i have a list of "Intolerables" which i freely discuss with P/pl entering my life, and in general, if one is violated, i simply eject them from my life. However, in certain circumstances, they cannot be ejected, or a lesson is in order. Here's a story for You: Onna my girlfriends was actually seduced by a man before finding out he had lied about being single. He happened to be onna those freaks who takes extraordinary care of their lawns. She used grass killer to write "cheater" on his front lawn. Guess who suggested it to her? candystripper

VandalHeart -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:31:25 AM)
Dear Vindictive Advisor, I honestly have no clue who suggested it. Couldn't tell you. But I'd bet whoever it is is female, submissive, in her early fifties, and very wicked. Just a guess. As for the problem of ejecting people from one's life, I've had that problem myself very often. When humiliation doesn't work, get in touch with your local SCA and shop around for a budget catapult. Hope that helps, Lord Vandal Heart

LaMalinche -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:36:41 AM)
Dear Demon, Is it true that Germs originated in Germany? And what is their purpose? Washing my hands again in Kansas Best, LaMalinche Sing a song of atoms, a pocket full of bombs Four and twenty scientists in a Cyclotron. When they turned the switch on the men began to bawl. Wasn't that a pretty dish for David Lilienthal?

BitaTruble -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:41:28 AM)
Dear Vandal, I'm losing my brain cell functionality due to menopause. At least, I think it's due to menopause but it could be some sort of residual child birthing side effect from 27 years ago. Am I drinking too much coffee or not enough and when is this fucking bleeding going to STOP? The playpen still works, but I don't need the crib anymore.. ya know? ::having hot flashes as I type this... sighs:: Celeste

VandalHeart -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:45:07 AM)
Dear Washing Her Hands, It is a common misconception that Germs originated in Germany. They actually are the invention of a merchant's bored masochistic son in ancient Mesopotamia. He had jerked off to the tales of Egypt's plagues and got jealous of all those first born children. So, he walked outside and screamed obscenities at the sky waiting for OTG (Old Testament God) to smite him, but he kept blaming all the things he was saying on the community (you know, share the good fortune). God was stoned that day, and thus was a little gullible, so contagion was born. Hope that helps, Lord Vandal Heart

VandalHeart -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:51:45 AM)
Dear Hot Flashing Typist, Don't worry about losing brain functionality or it's causes. A lot of people make a lot of money being stupid. Some even win elections doing it. Twice even. And remember, they're not hot flashes, they're power surges. You can never drink enough coffee. If sleep is an issue, just remember that there is enough time to sleep when you're dead. I hope you enjoyed that paragraph, as it is made up entirely of quotes from other people and one bumper sticker. In all seriousness, however, and please understand that while this thread was meant to be funny, I am not joking right now, because I cannot stress enough the importance of aligning yourself with the belief and staunch faith that...you really can never drink too much coffee. Keeping the faith, death before decaf, Lord Vandal Heart

BitaTruble -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:54:57 AM)
quote: death before decaf, I think I just fell in love with you. Is that bad? ::swoons::

glidewynd -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:55:57 AM)
Dear Vandal, It seems half the people I know are scattered all over the U.S. and Europe. How can I get all my friends to AT LEAST move to the same time zone as me? glidewynd p.s. Couldn't waste my first post on just anyone here....had to save it up for my favorite demon [;)].

VandalHeart -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 12:57:54 AM)
Dear Easilly Amorous, Bad? Yes. Wrong? Not necessarily. Superfluous? Absolutely not. I'm fixing a fresh pot of hazelnut/vanilla medium roast right now. If you hurry, it will still be fresh. Only half joking, Lord Vandal Heart

glidewynd -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 1:01:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VandalHeart I'm fixing a fresh pot of hazelnut/vanilla medium roast right now. Dear Vandal, You, of all people....vanilla? OMG I think the world's gonna end...

BitaTruble -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 1:05:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VandalHeart Dear Easilly Amorous, Bad? Yes. Wrong? Not necessarily. Superfluous? Absolutely not. I'm fixing a fresh pot of hazelnut/vanilla medium roast right now. If you hurry, it will still be fresh. Only half joking, Lord Vandal Heart Ack! Ok.. must have been lust and not true love because that ain't coffee.. that's dessert. Am I going to be labeled a 'wannabe poser' for thinking there is only ONE TRUE COFFEE?? Fresh ground 1/2 brazilian, 1/2 sumatra blended and dripped with filtered water.. anything else is mud. [8D]

VandalHeart -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 1:05:28 AM)
Dearest and most desired Virgin Poster and Isolated Pet, You should move to the midwest where the central time zone is dominant (giggity) and not as many of your friends will have to go all the way to the west coast to see you. Besides, it will save certain people from having to wait in vain for you to utilize complimentary plane tickets to anywhere that expire and preclude a low budget meeting with a friend that only wanted to show you a good time and maybe play with your naked body, you tease. No, I'm not bitter [:D] Really though, I'm not bitter, and welcome to the boards, Nova. It's good to talk to you again. Hope that helps, Lord Vandal Heart

VandalHeart -> RE: Ask the Demon (5/27/2006 1:10:07 AM)
Dear Java Nazi How could you? I had my heart set on meeting someone who was truly in love with me for who I was. I'm heartbroken. OK, that's bullshit, I'm missing the required equipment to be heartbroken. Besides, you can fuck right off, Jamaican Blue Mountain is the supreme god of all coffees. And a little flavoring never hurt a cup a' heat. Except for that time my ex orgasmed in my mug...that was grody. Hope you know I'm kidding (except about the Jamaican Blue), Lord Vandal Heart

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