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For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/17/2011 9:14:45 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

I know this is Ask a Mistress, but I'm asking this here because it seems like this is where the sub guys seem to hang out most....or, I could be wrong, but anyway....

Honestly and for real, and totally withOUT judgment, I want to know what sub guys would really like from a D/s situation? Be as detailed or short and to the point as you want. Of course, I know the answers will be as varied as the guys are, but I am really just curious. I get letters in my inbox and I ask them, but sometimes they're vague on what they're looking for until I draw them out more.

NiceButMeanGirl

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RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/17/2011 11:06:35 PM

switchblademoi

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/26/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

I know this is Ask a Mistress, but I'm asking this here because it seems like this is where the sub guys seem to hang out most....or, I could be wrong, but anyway....

Honestly and for real, and totally withOUT judgment, I want to know what sub guys would really like from a D/s situation? Be as detailed or short and to the point as you want. Of course, I know the answers will be as varied as the guys are, but I am really just curious. I get letters in my inbox and I ask them, but sometimes they're vague on what they're looking for until I draw them out more.

NiceButMeanGirl

Frankly, guys are probably vague because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.

For example, one guy might want nothing more than kinky fun, but he's afraid if he tells you that in a straightforward way, it will lessen his chance of getting it. Another guy may be kicking the tires and not have any idea what he wants -- but again he's afraid admitting that to a domme won't be to his benefit. A third guy might be open to a lot of different situations, depending on how your chemistry is.

So it's not a simple question for a lot of people, because a lot of people who are into D/S don't have a one-size-fits-all answer or one single type of situation they are looking for.

In fact, I would say, for most people, asking the question in such a big, broad way will only lead to vague generalizations. You don't find out this stuff by asking, "What kind of situation do you want?" but by asking specifics.

In some ways, the question "What kind of situation are you looking for?" from a domme to a sub feels like a trap. So you'll get what you're getting -- you have to draw them out because the sub want more input on what you're really asking, because they don't want to just jabber on randomly out of fear they'll say something that will make you show them the door.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 2

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/17/2011 11:14:46 PM

KSubM

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/7/2008
Status: offline

As for myself, I think that Female's are such a wonderful, beautiful part of creation..
However - so many of society's rules are here to inhibit us, hide who and what we truly are.
Being submissive allows me the opportunity to try convince the Female that She is accepted and appreciated just the way She is.
No need to adhere to society's rules (meant to make us all the same, make us all "acceptable" - to society)
For myself, the challenge in being submissive is to convince the Dominant Female that, whatever may or may not please Her is fine, perfect - because She is (Female.)
For myself, what I want is to be allowed to "see" the real person - not the bit She may present to the wider society.
As such I never come to a Dominant with a wishlist - in the initial stages (for myself) it is always about trying to drag Her out, learn about Her needs and fantasies and building my own dreams around these.
As such You may well be correct - I have also been accused of being vague.
My answer was and is - I need some "direction," some idea as to what the Dominant would like before I can start the fantasy.
In a way in the end, the Dominant Female may well get back Her own fantasies - but "amplified" in my imagination, my thoughts and dreams.

Hope this may be of some help.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/17/2011 11:18:15 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

So, are you saying that men have an array of potential answers that they will tailor to the dom in question?

Or that they are going to be passive aggressive and make the dom work for it?

Or that they are clueless and waiting for some good suggestions?

NBMG is newish to submale hunting, and I feel her frustration, because the above answer, though very sincere, is VERY TYPICAL of the nailing-jello-to-the-wall stuff we have to wade through.

Is it honestly so hard to say WHAT YOU NEED, or even think that you need? So what if you get kicked to the curb, that means that you and that dom were not a match, and no time wasted on either part.

Sorry to hijack, NBMG, I couldnt keep silent. (shock~

)

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Post #: 4

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/17/2011 11:27:19 PM

EZlikeSunMoanin

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/2/2010
Status: offline

I really like the idea of a 24/7 power exchange, that for all appearances in public, seem to be ordinary, but between the two of us (or others who live the lifestyle), it's "our little secret". M'lady would be fully aware of the things I really liked and would use that knowledge as she saw fit, and the rest of the time, I'm completely subjugated to her. Knowing that she truly has control over me, just wondering what she has in store for me makes the relationship exciting (even the thought of simple tasks she may have me perform for her)!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 5

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 5:49:49 AM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: switchblademoi

Frankly, guys are probably vague because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I think that's totally it...and while I *understand* the thought process, it's irritating as fuck to a Domme. We *know* you (generic you) are trying to say the right thing, and most of the time we just want honesty. We don't want to have to peel through layers of gushing and bullshit to get to the truth...you know?

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Post #: 6

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 6:18:46 AM

Zonie63

Posts: 2826
Joined: 4/25/2011
From: The Old Pueblo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

Honestly and for real, and totally withOUT judgment, I want to know what sub guys would really like from a D/s situation?

For me, I think I was looking mainly for companionship more than anything else. But as a submissive, I've also learned that a lot of women just aren't into that sort of thing. Even if they're into me, as a person, and there's a physical attraction, the whole "sub male" thing seems to be a major turn-off for a lot of women. And that's okay; if they're not into it, they're not into it. But it can also entail a certain level of disappointment and hurt feelings, so if I'm going to be searching for any kind of relationship at all, I've found it better to just be upfront and say what I am. Even if that reduces my available options, then so be it. I know the score.

As long our personalities click and I'm accepted for who and what I am, then that's probably the main thing. Other things can be worked out, but if there's no chemistry or compatibility, then it's not worth pursuing. I've found this out the hard way. Even if I find someone who is dominant and into the same activities I am, if our personalities don't mesh well, then it's not really going to work.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 7

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 9:28:29 AM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

LH, I never mind your "hijacks." lol

Zonie63, I could never understand a Domme being turned off by the sub male thing.

I can certainly understand the guys being afraid they will say the wrong thing since, from what I've heard on other threads, it's so hard for them to find compatible Dommes, I can see not wanting to scare us away. ;) But even though the guys are just trying to pick their words carefully because of that, I just want them to be honest about what they want. That's the only way we will really know if our interests match.

Usually, the way I approach the issue of finding out what he wants is by asking things like...."What do YOU want in a situation?"....."Are you looking more for a Domme/sub situation or Top/bottom?" and if he says he doesn't know what the difference is, I'll explain......"How much time would you like to spend together?"...."What sort of activities, both vanilla and kink, do you like?" and also not like. A lot of this should have been taken care of in correspondence already, but this gives a chance to elaborate further.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to Zonie63)

Post #: 8

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 11:13:17 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

You are a kind and patient woman. I no longer have the endurance to play "twenty questions"!

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Post #: 9

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 12:34:08 PM

Zonie63

Posts: 2826
Joined: 4/25/2011
From: The Old Pueblo
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

LH, I never mind your "hijacks." lol

Zonie63, I could never understand a Domme being turned off by the sub male thing.

I wasn't really referring to dommes, but in other more vanilla relationships in the past. All I can say is that when seeking out someone in the more traditional fashion, I've discovered that it can have unfortunate results to be a bit too open about one's submissive proclivities with someone who is not receptive to it.

quote:

I can certainly understand the guys being afraid they will say the wrong thing since, from what I've heard on other threads, it's so hard for them to find compatible Dommes, I can see not wanting to scare us away. ;) But even though the guys are just trying to pick their words carefully because of that, I just want them to be honest about what they want. That's the only way we will really know if our interests match.

Well, speaking only for myself, I guess I would need to get to know a person better on more general terms first, before delving into more "sensitive" subjects.

Yes, I think some guys will probably be afraid of saying the wrong thing, but then, there might be other guys who get very brazen about saying the wrong thing, so I guess it goes up and down the spectrum.

quote:

Usually, the way I approach the issue of finding out what he wants is by asking things like...."What do YOU want in a situation?"....."Are you looking more for a Domme/sub situation or Top/bottom?" and if he says he doesn't know what the difference is, I'll explain......"How much time would you like to spend together?"...."What sort of activities, both vanilla and kink, do you like?" and also not like. A lot of this should have been taken care of in correspondence already, but this gives a chance to elaborate further.

NBMG

I can see what you're saying. Although, from another point of view, it might seem analogous to giving a starving man a menu. All he knows is that he's starving, but he can't figure out what he wants to eat.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 10

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 12:57:16 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

I know this is Ask a Mistress, but I'm asking this here because it seems like this is where the sub guys seem to hang out most....or, I could be wrong, but anyway....

Honestly and for real, and totally withOUT judgment, I want to know what sub guys would really like from a D/s situation? Be as detailed or short and to the point as you want. Of course, I know the answers will be as varied as the guys are, but I am really just curious. I get letters in my inbox and I ask them, but sometimes they're vague on what they're looking for until I draw them out more.

NiceButMeanGirl

Okay, you get the bit of jaded Lockit here. lol Jaded or just been here awhile, it and I, are what they are.

When a submissive male around here is vague... you get to do dental work pulling the information out or you can insist they speak now or forever hold their piece... pun intended. From what I have seen around here, anyone that makes me cross my eyes trying to understand what they just said... anyone that gives one sentence responses to questions, no elaboration and gives up little about himself, tends to be hiding something. If you do pursue and question, trying to be understanding and let them see they can be comfortable and safe... when you get to the bottom of that little situation, you aren't going to find much more than slime because they were hiding something.

Now, trying to be understanding throughout the years... I had to go through the process of learning the typical and saving myself time and effort, but I did try. Maybe they are shy... maybe they are confused... maybe with a bit of help they can find their way... maybe, maybe... oh fuck that maybe shit! Is it my job to help save the world of submissive men and teach them, whether they actually learn something or actually learn to better manipulate the next domina on the list?

As an adult of an age that many of us would be interested in... they damn sure better know a few things. Even if they don't know about d/s, bdsm or us as an individual... they didn't stop being a functioning adult, lose all communication and societal skills... because they decided to get themselves a domina to get kinky with. A bit shy or a bit something or other... fine... but totally clueless, lost, seeking to be educated, trained and put in place... tends to be a game. If I am going to play a game, it will be with a man that doesn't lose himself in kinky horniness and can play a good game of strip poker!

What do they want? It all depends, but if they can't state what they want in a manner that isn't offensive to a woman... they don't know women on a whole... won't be satisfactory in serving in any manner and are more trouble than they are worth.

A man that isn't clueless, shows he, even if scared can speak, communicate, respond and has a clue about women enough not to treat her like a delivery service that ought to fall for anything... is a great start and worth the effort. They are out there... however they do seem to be on the other side of the country most the time.

I get some great emails! I have met some wonderful men around here. However, they have never been clueless from email one.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 11

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 1:04:49 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Thank you, Lockit! I do cut the young folks a lot of slack, but someone who manages to get a job, marry, raise children, vote, serve in the military, whatever does NOT become a twitterpated innocent all of a sudden. It's a game, a calculation, and more often than not, a waste of time.

And yes, the gamers make life SO much easier for the men who are worth a damn!

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Post #: 12

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 1:50:00 PM

SoulAlloy

Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline

D/s I've always found difficult without trial and error really. Whilst I've done loads of top/bottom stuff, I've done very little on the D/s side of things.

I remember once doing something simple like going out for a coffee and we both played the roles, I made the coffee, wouldn't sit until she had, had to use certain words when speaking to the waitress... it was an interesting experience, we both felt it didn't quite feel right for us though. We took the roles to extremes and it worked much better when at a halloween party when we kept it at a more subtle level.

There are some services I love doing, like foot massage, dressing, washing my partner, footrest, fetching tea and coffee... not to mention the more intimate services

When I do these things I love to see the pleasure and satisfaction of my partner, that is what I get out of it. When I do the more menial jobs (washing dishes, laundry, vacuuming) there is an inner sense of peace in knowing that you are doing this for the benefit of your partner, and there is great comfort in that simplistic outlook.

I guess it all kind of links into Lily's recent thread where it can be hard to say what you like, partly out of embarassment (yeah I need to grow up lol) and partly out of the concept that as a sub you should be doing what the other person wants, not what you want to do...

_____________________________

"Better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without" - Confucius

"It'll be alright in the end - if it isn't alright, it's not the end." - unknown

Kinky crossdressing Whovian

Host of the Preston (UK) Munch, 2nd Wednesday each month

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 13

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 2:37:26 PM

switchblademoi

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/26/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

So, are you saying that men have an array of potential answers that they will tailor to the dom in question?

I am saying a lot of guys will give the domme the answer they think she wants.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Is it honestly so hard to say WHAT YOU NEED, or even think that you need? So what if you get kicked to the curb, that means that you and that dom were not a match, and no time wasted on either part.

Well, it's easy for a domme to say that because most dommes get six pages of letters from subs a day. A lot of subs are lucky if they get a response from a domme in a blue moon. So they will work any response they get, and try desperately to meet any domme.

Now, let me stress that's not personal way. I've never had trouble meeting women -- vanilla or domme or sub -- and I don't talk about kink out the box, and I am straightforward. But you only have to read these boards to know how desperate some people are.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 14

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 2:51:14 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zonie63
Well, speaking only for myself, I guess I would need to get to know a person better on more general terms first, before delving into more "sensitive" subjects.

Yes, I think some guys will probably be afraid of saying the wrong thing, but then, there might be other guys who get very brazen about saying the wrong thing, so I guess it goes up and down the spectrum.

Yes, I agree. I'd like to know whether we click as people in general first, before touching on the more "intimate things."

It's true that there are a whole spectrum of replies.....from very vague to the very brazenly detailed intimate ones. I guess I'd rather have just the honest ones. I just had to tell someone today that we were not compatible because I was looking for a submissive and he wants to be a bottom. He wrote back and said "Are you serious!?"

I wasn't trying to be insulting, just honest.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

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Post #: 15

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 3:16:59 PM

switchblademoi

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/26/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fornica

quote:

ORIGINAL: switchblademoi

Frankly, guys are probably vague because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I think that's totally it...and while I *understand* the thought process, it's irritating as fuck to a Domme. We *know* you (generic you) are trying to say the right thing, and most of the time we just want honesty. We don't want to have to peel through layers of gushing and bullshit to get to the truth...you know?

There's a couple of dimensions to this. The gushing and BS could simply be the sub kissing ass because they think that's ingratiating, and it can be to a certain extent, though it gets tiresome if it stays at a certain level and seems contrived. But that's a little different than a sub who is withholding infomration because they are afraid it won't jive with what the domme wants and will get them kicked to the curb.

(in reply to Fornica)

Post #: 16

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 3:22:55 PM

switchblademoi

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/26/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

How much time would you like to spend together?"...."What sort of activities, both vanilla and kink, do you like?" and also not like. A lot of this should have been taken care of in correspondence already, but this gives a chance to elaborate further.

NBMG

Those are the type of questions that really give you the answer. A good question is, "Describe what your ideal Saturday would be after we had been together for six months?" or "Describe your ideal Saturday, but one that involves no kink?" Those type of questions takes things out of fantasyland.

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 17

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 3:30:09 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: switchblademoi

quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl

How much time would you like to spend together?"...."What sort of activities, both vanilla and kink, do you like?" and also not like. A lot of this should have been taken care of in correspondence already, but this gives a chance to elaborate further.

NBMG

Those are the type of questions that really give you the answer. A good question is, "Describe what your ideal Saturday would be after we had been together for six months?" or "Describe your ideal Saturday, but one that involves no kink?" Those type of questions takes things out of fantasyland.

I often ask something like this. The answers can be very enlightening.

I stopped putting my interest on my profile because I found that men catered to them and a number of men weren't honest about what they wanted or liked, trying to get close to me. I've had a number of people downplay what they liked because they knew I wasn't into a lot of things, they were really into. They would just settle for something rather than have nothing, while waiting for someone that was a better fit and of course they all said they were looking for a relationship, because I was. lol

They try... but it doesn't always work. There is most often a way to figure out what they are doing.

_____________________________

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(in reply to switchblademoi)

Post #: 18

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 3:30:24 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

If you (general "you") know deep down that you aren't going to be a match for the dom, why feed her a line of lies? The excitement of the fallout when she finds out you misled her, and she warns her friends about you?

Desperation and loneliness aren't pretty, and I know the feeling of being alone and wishing it were otherwise. I acted in that frame of mind once, and it was a rocket to disaster. I know that approaching femdoms can be a minefield. What I don't get is the need for deception.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to switchblademoi)

Post #: 19

RE: For the Submissive Guys..... - 11/18/2011 4:26:00 PM

SoulAlloy

Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline

Deception I don't understand from either side really.

In some cases it is probably fear combined with ignorance, in others perhaps it is simply unintentional, where the reality of an act simply does not live up to the fantasy.

_____________________________

"Better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without" - Confucius

"It'll be alright in the end - if it isn't alright, it's not the end." - unknown

Kinky crossdressing Whovian

Host of the Preston (UK) Munch, 2nd Wednesday each month

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 20

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