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Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 6:14:04 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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Verijaa said, in another thread: "There is no DommesRUs. You aren't going to find a bunch of dominant females lined up waiting to play with a bunch of desperate newbie subs. It's about relationships, which involves actually meeting people and talking with them and at least making friends before diving into personal fetishes."

The ironic thing is that, while she's correct that the Dommes aren't lining up waiting to play, there seem to be plenty of them waiting impatiently for men to have relationships with. So in my mind, there's a group of male subs wanting to meet Dominant women for play, and a somewhat smaller group of Dommes wanting to meet male subs for relationships. Why the mismatch?

When you interview for a job, the etiquette is that you discuss the job itself and the applicant, and how the two would mesh. It's taken for granted that the applicant will get paid once hired, and if the applicant discusses pay up front, he won't get hired. Similarly, if a man pulls out his cock or his fetishes to open discussion, the discussion will not get far. But if he establishes a relationship, play will happen.

So, the point of this is, since there are a bunch of Dominant women hoping that a sub male will start a relationship with them, why haven't the sub men realized and acted upon that? Is it stupidity, or not being emotionally healthy enough to sustain a relationship? Or stubbornness at not wanting to provide one? Or something else?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

Post #: 1

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 6:17:56 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Men think with their dicks and women with their hearts? **dunno**

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 2

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 6:50:53 AM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
Status: offline

I honestly believe it's because of lack of patience, combined with arrogance.
They don't want to take the time to actually design relationships, and they think "ok, I'm TOTALLY ready for this, so all I have to do is throw myself at all the Domme chicks and one will pick me". They think *they* are different, and above the rest.
And the ones that DO truly want a relationship, are too afraid to make it happen.

*disclaimer: No, I don't presume this is everyone. I'm speaking in generalizations.

_____________________________

There is no spoon.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 3

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 7:03:06 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Men think with their dicks and women with their hearts? **dunno**

Nah. Some women are totally pussy-minded, and some men are wonderfully thoughtful.

DS, do you ever watch Family Guy?
If not, here -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-q3q41HE24

Stewie stumbled upon the idea that he was "one of those people who gets a jolly out of being hit." After that, all he wanted was the rush. It was all he could think/fantasize about, and he was determined to do what it took to get the rush again.

I think a lot of guys who self-ID as sub are driven this way -- especially those who crop up on collarme, because the labels you can pick are so limited -- I think more of them would pick "bottom" or "kinkster" or "sadomasochist" if those terms were available here, like they are on Fetlife. As it stands, they aren't really even given the chance to be honest. They only have the opportunity to pick something "close" to what they really are.

The rush/desire is a pretty strong thing; dichotomous with the way they've grown up -- that they, as men, are "meant" to be on top and in charge, so it seems wrong, and yet so right -- and the complexity of that makes it so alluring, it totally consumes them.

They aren't thinking about relationships at all, they're thinking about a rush, a thrill, and whatever it might take to get there. According to psychology, men are more likely to form actual sexual fetishes, and to become obsessive about them. It's that, but also trying to involve another person.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 4

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 7:13:39 AM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
Status: offline

zomg I forgot about that family guy. It was awesome.

_____________________________

There is no spoon.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 5

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 7:41:01 AM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

quote:

why haven't the sub men realized and acted upon that? Is it stupidity, or not being emotionally healthy enough to sustain a relationship? Or stubbornness at not wanting to provide one? Or something else?

They are men.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:08:43 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

Again, I am going to point to the "clearing house" aspect of CM that I have talked about before - first stop for a bunch of horny guys who want to get their "kink on" but have not thought terribly hard about it beyond being "terribly hard".

I think that makes it look worse than it probably is.

However...there is still a disconnect there, IMO. It is the same disconnect that has a guy wanting to get into a girl's pants on the first date in the vanilla world.

Here, we have guys looking for play, their way, and most sexually oriented.

And women just are not wired that way! (Yes, it is a generalization, but it is just as true for the vast majority of women as the "penis think" is for the vast majority of men)

It is not something we are -ever- going to fix here.

Evolution may eventually get round to it, can you hold please?

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 7

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:11:35 AM

Ninebelowzero

Posts: 3134
Joined: 8/5/2011
Status: offline

i think holding might be a big part of the problem.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Again, I am going to point to the "clearing house" aspect of CM that I have talked about before - first stop for a bunch of horny guys who want to get their "kink on" but have not thought terribly hard about it beyond being "terribly hard".

I think that makes it look worse than it probably is.

However...there is still a disconnect there, IMO. It is the same disconnect that has a guy wanting to get into a girl's pants on the first date in the vanilla world.

Here, we have guys looking for play, their way, and most sexually oriented.

And women just are not wired that way! (Yes, it is a generalization, but it is just as true for the vast majority of women as the "penis think" is for the vast majority of men)

It is not something we are -ever- going to fix here.

Evolution may eventually get round to it, can you hold please?

_____________________________

More come backs than Frank Sinatra

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 8

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:14:23 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

Now, Heather. I'm pretty sure that you know that we know.

It's just that you're pretty sure that we know that you know that we like thinking about you anyway.

Ain't it?

Well, you're right. I will never again be able to pass the Canadian Flag without saluting.

I am jealous of each of you, even though that isn't really possible. Or sensible.

Postscript ; Thank you for the music. I really enjoyed it. I was very pleased by what you did with the Declaration of Independence and the Star Spangled Banner. Very pleased to have you Ladies on the Team.

Wishing you the best.
FF

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 9

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:14:38 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ninebelowzero

i think holding might be a big part of the problem.

HAHA!

"Only YOU can stop Rosey Palm Syndrome..."

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 12/4/2011 8:15:20 AM >

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to Ninebelowzero)

Post #: 10

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:17:08 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

Otterswim

Good Man!

(in reply to FrostedFlake)

Post #: 11

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:18:23 AM

Arienos

Posts: 161
Joined: 10/5/2011
Status: offline

quote:

Is it stupidity, or not being emotionally healthy enough to sustain a relationship? Or stubbornness at not wanting to provide one? Or something else?

When your comment on male submissive lacking intelligence, common sense and/or the capability of entering into and sustaining a meaningful relationship (Stupid) or extensive missed maturation in terms of emotional commitment (Emotional health.) or unreasonable determination (stubbornness ) I found myself trying to identify with your comment and looking at many other male submissives known to me. Somehow I disagree with your thinking. Indeed there are a host of women who involved themselves in dominance spending years searching for someone that will defer to their perception of dominance but dominance and submission are not perceived the same by everyone. Neither are sadism and masochism therefore I submit many submissive men will not accept less then what they set out to acquire especally in the relationship aspect.

< Message edited by Arienos -- 12/4/2011 8:25:13 AM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 12

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:34:15 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Men think with their dicks and women with their hearts? **dunno**

Nah. Some women are totally pussy-minded, and some men are wonderfully thoughtful.

My sentiments exactly. All men and all women can't be grouped together and explained the same way.....luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 13

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:36:12 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

quote:

why haven't the sub men realized and acted upon that? Is it stupidity, or not being emotionally healthy enough to sustain a relationship? Or stubbornness at not wanting to provide one? Or something else?

They are men.

Yep. They're men. That certainly doesn't mean they all think or act alike. Men are wonderful and, like women, they are all so wonderfully different. Surely no one can seriously suggest they're all the same because of their sex? Nah 'cause that would be utter bollocks

luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)

Post #: 14

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:36:19 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Of course. It was a generalization. But there *is* a reason women tend to look for relationships, and men tend to look for sex.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 15

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:51:43 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Men think with their dicks and women with their hearts? **dunno**

Nah. Some women are totally pussy-minded, and some men are wonderfully thoughtful.

DS, do you ever watch Family Guy?
If not, here -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-q3q41HE24

Stewie stumbled upon the idea that he was "one of those people who gets a jolly out of being hit." After that, all he wanted was the rush. It was all he could think/fantasize about, and he was determined to do what it took to get the rush again.

I think a lot of guys who self-ID as sub are driven this way -- especially those who crop up on collarme, because the labels you can pick are so limited -- I think more of them would pick "bottom" or "kinkster" or "sadomasochist" if those terms were available here, like they are on Fetlife. As it stands, they aren't really even given the chance to be honest. They only have the opportunity to pick something "close" to what they really are.

The rush/desire is a pretty strong thing; dichotomous with the way they've grown up -- that they, as men, are "meant" to be on top and in charge, so it seems wrong, and yet so right -- and the complexity of that makes it so alluring, it totally consumes them.

They aren't thinking about relationships at all, they're thinking about a rush, a thrill, and whatever it might take to get there. According to psychology, men are more likely to form actual sexual fetishes, and to become obsessive about them. It's that, but also trying to involve another person.

This expresses my thoughts pretty closely. Men are not all sex driven idiots. Their brains just work differently and as much as most women cannot comprehend that, they generally cannot comprehend how women work either.

Most of them that come here are doing so with the handicap of being in their sex fetish mode already. As all humans tend to, they just assume that the women are in a similar mindset. I don't for a minute believe that the bulk of them walk around with the horrid social skills they exhibit here. I just think that they see the site as a sex hook up site for their particular fetish and forget their manners and tact.

The interesting thing I have noticed in the world in general......there comes a time when it seems men are more relationship oriented than women. They seem to like the comfort of a relationship. Whereas women quite often outgrow that need, especially when it involves providing expected comforts for a guy.

I know a family of sisters, all 55+, all widowed, all single, all actively persued by local single men. While the women enjoy the company they do not share the same desire to remarry as the men persuing them.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 12/4/2011 8:57:46 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 16

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:52:01 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

Blushes~Christina

Could you please expound on that word you used : Tend.

I seem to think I know what it means, but in the context you sue, it seems like I might not.

The way I use the word it means more than half. Often. Or usually. What does it mean when you use it?

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 17

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 8:56:43 AM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

quote:

Surely no one can seriously suggest they're all the same because of their sex? Nah 'cause that would be utter bollocks

Nobody but you suggested it.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 18

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 9:01:04 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake

Blushes~Christina

Could you please expound on that word you used : Tend.

I seem to think I know what it means, but in the context you sue, it seems like I might not.

The way I use the word it means more than half. Often. Or usually. What does it mean when you use it?

We were speaking about men into bdsm, and I used tend to mean more often than not.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to FrostedFlake)

Post #: 19

RE: Why the mismatch? - 12/4/2011 9:05:40 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

Thank you, Blushes.

That would leave the less often than not, yes?

I think that is the folks Steven is asking on behalf of. I wonder if that portion of the guys could become the focus of the remainder of this thread, seeing as we have already discussed those other guys? You know, the dickheads.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 20

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