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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:14:47 PM   
rulemylife


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

How about with regards to the topic? Do you approach kink-first, everything else second?


I approach it subtly.

But yes, I do approach it from the start.

Isn't that what we are all here for?






< Message edited by rulemylife -- 12/9/2011 8:17:56 PM >

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:23:51 PM   
Cherylmazana


Posts: 1152
Joined: 10/4/2007
Status: offline 		Even at work if the subject turns to sex it turns to kinky sex, or funny sex or the most unusual places to have sex.

Strangely the subject turns to sex a lot of the time.

Cheryl


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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:33:32 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Re "isn't that what we're all here for?"

Yes, but it's not all we're here for. I am on a kink site to meet other kinky people. I am not a person interested in "converting" vanillas. Being here I presume the other parties are pervs to some degree. That does not mean the rules of engagement have changed. I am still interested in interacting with a PERSON. I've removed the awkward step of "oh by the way..." but I am not going to discuss what sexual positions I like before the entree arrives.

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:36:57 PM   
Blueyeddom76


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Status: offline 		Lizi:

Now do you see where some frustration can come from? Every girl has a different expectation, and regardless if you would have perfect chemistry if you got to know each other, if you don't hit it just right in the very beginning, you're probably hosed. And THAT'S if your email doesn't go straight to the trash with the other 400 she got overnight.

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:42:31 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		lizi, I can think of two cases: 1. When I'm talking with someone who has an active profile here or on Fet, and 2. Otherwise.

If they have a kink profile, I will check their kink BEFORE ever talking to them, and I will make sure that our kinks are compatible prior to first contact.  If she doesn't, I'll make sure she knows when I first make a play for her.


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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:44:19 PM   
lizi


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Status: offline 		I think it IS important that kink comes up in a general ballpark kind of way, I think the profile interest list can sometimes make things clear in this type of a manner.  Yes, it's true that kinky things should match up along with other stuff for success, but there's a personal boundary there that is hard to cross with a stranger. It's kind of like money isn't it? People who are looking for a relationship are generally looking for partners who are solvent but you dont come out and ask right away hey....how much do you make? It's kind of a personal subject and you broach it with some care.

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:46:32 PM   
lizi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Blueyeddom76

Lizi:

Now do you see where some frustration can come from? Every girl has a different expectation, and regardless if you would have perfect chemistry if you got to know each other, if you don't hit it just right in the very beginning, you're probably hosed. And THAT'S if your email doesn't go straight to the trash with the other 400 she got overnight.


Absolutely I see where the frustration comes from, this is why I started the thread. I thought it might be productive to see what was out there. To me, it seems like a pivotal moment and I was interested in learning more about it.

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:50:38 PM   
lizi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

lizi, I can think of two cases: 1. When I'm talking with someone who has an active profile here or on Fet, and 2. Otherwise.

If they have a kink profile, I will check their kink BEFORE ever talking to them, and I will make sure that our kinks are compatible prior to first contact.  If she doesn't, I'll make sure she knows when I first make a play for her.



Yes, actually I think the profile makes things available in a general way to get those larger areas down, if they're filled out that is.

So DS, you check the profile first and if that's not available what do you mean exactly that she'll know when you first make a play for her? What is a play? A first email?

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:56:49 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Are we differentiating between initial face to face, and mail/chat?

I've been trying to remember how things were when I was still hopeful, and I don't recall any man ever essentailly putting his dick on the table the way men do in mail. Conversation developed organically, faster with some than others. The more attraction, the faster the pace, maybe? I am somewhat bold (it's a dom thing) so if I wanted to move things along, I did.

How do vanilla people behave? Isn't this essentially the same, but with added sppecial effects?




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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:58:16 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		lizi, by "play", I mean a first physical approach.  I'll hold a fistful of hair for the first kiss, or give her a swat.

Of course, I'll get a feel for her personality well prior to that. If I feel that she's compatible with me in a vanilla sense and has an open mind, I'll keep talking with an eye to meeting her.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 8:59:58 PM   
rulemylife


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cherylmazana

Even at work if the subject turns to sex it turns to kinky sex, or funny sex or the most unusual places to have sex.

Strangely the subject turns to sex a lot of the time.

Cheryl



Sounds like a fun place to work.

(in reply to Cherylmazana)
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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 9:09:11 PM   
lizi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Are we differentiating between initial face to face, and mail/chat?

I've been trying to remember how things were when I was still hopeful, and I don't recall any man ever essentailly putting his dick on the table the way men do in mail. Conversation developed organically, faster with some than others. The more attraction, the faster the pace, maybe? I am somewhat bold (it's a dom thing) so if I wanted to move things along, I did.

How do vanilla people behave? Isn't this essentially the same, but with added sppecial effects?





Good point Lady Hib about online and real life because I believe you are right in saying that in real life men do not in my experience tend to cross those personal boundaries too quickly at all. Also BlueeyedDom pointed out that in real life he had a better feel for how to go about it. It seem true to me that online men tend to hone in on sexual and kinky specifics very quickly and perhaps that medium is where this division exists.

Several people have said and i agree, that in vanilla its the same time that you discuss sex. Seems like there certainly is a parallel there. Long ago when I was on vanilla sites, guys would not approach talking about sex with the single-mindedness that they do here, it was more of a general thing to check and see if you were interested in sex at all, like if your appetites were in sync. You had the occasional player come along, but mostly the guys I talked to were slower about approaching talk about intimate things.

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 9:14:07 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you meet on a site like this, then you should be able to tell before contacting them if you are compatible in kink. Which means if you're into s & m and not bondage and the other person is the opposite, then you already know you don't need to discuss it because neither of you are going to change your mind.

And if both of you have the same stuff listed as favorite activities, you don't need to ask about it on the first date either since you already have the answer.

If not through a kink site, then the time to bring it up is when you're strongly thinking about committing to them, and before you have sex. But you still don't need to go into long and exhaustive detail. You can describe what you like inside of a sentence or two which will be enough for the other person to say either that it sounds interesting or that they aren't into it.

It isn't just the when that matters, but what exactly and how much you reveal when.


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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 9:21:41 PM   
rulemylife


Posts: 14614
Joined: 8/23/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Re "isn't that what we're all here for?"

Yes, but it's not all we're here for. I am on a kink site to meet other kinky people. I am not a person interested in "converting" vanillas. Being here I presume the other parties are pervs to some degree. That does not mean the rules of engagement have changed. I am still interested in interacting with a PERSON. I've removed the awkward step of "oh by the way..." but I am not going to discuss what sexual positions I like before the entree arrives.


It just seems a little ridiculous that some women put profiles on a BDSM site then complain about men wanting to talk about kink.





< Message edited by rulemylife -- 12/9/2011 9:23:35 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 9:24:26 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		They are complaining that men ONLY want to talk about kink. Not the same.

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 9:31:21 PM   
rulemylife


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If you meet on a site like this, then you should be able to tell before contacting them if you are compatible in kink. Which means if you're into s & m and not bondage and the other person is the opposite, then you already know you don't need to discuss it because neither of you are going to change your mind.

And if both of you have the same stuff listed as favorite activities, you don't need to ask about it on the first date either since you already have the answer.

If not through a kink site, then the time to bring it up is when you're strongly thinking about committing to them, and before you have sex. But you still don't need to go into long and exhaustive detail. You can describe what you like inside of a sentence or two which will be enough for the other person to say either that it sounds interesting or that they aren't into it.

It isn't just the when that matters, but what exactly and how much you reveal when.



How detailed are most peoples profiles?

Not very, including mine.

So if you can't discuss things upfront it is just a waste of time for both.

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/9/2011 10:14:35 PM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: rulemylife

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If you meet on a site like this, then you should be able to tell before contacting them if you are compatible in kink. Which means if you're into s & m and not bondage and the other person is the opposite, then you already know you don't need to discuss it because neither of you are going to change your mind.

And if both of you have the same stuff listed as favorite activities, you don't need to ask about it on the first date either since you already have the answer.


How detailed are most peoples profiles?
Not very, including mine.
So if you can't discuss things upfront it is just a waste of time for both.


Yeah, thats the thing.. Mine goes into things i am looking for, things about me, but i have no kink interests listed at all.

There is a reason for that.. Guys that dont say much on their profile, well,.. i find that suspect. I have found that when i did have my kinks, etc listed, guys would just say they liked the same as me.. But how do i know that for certain when they dont have that info on their profile?..

I dont want to waste my time with a guy that said he liked all the same things and then later find out he wants to convert me into doing things i am not interested in or on my hard limit list..

So, he has got to show me his before i show him mine.. when i ask him questions about what he likes.. i also am able to see exactly how honest he is. If he gives me answers that he thinks i want to hear.. that just puts me off, its a type of lying. I need honest answers, how else will i know if we are compatible enough or not?

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/10/2011 12:42:31 AM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
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Most of my kink preferences are in my profile and journal entries. I don't discuss nuts and bolts of kink until I've met someone face to face and feel a mutual attraction to go hands-on. Chemistry's the wild card. I'd feel like a dumb*ss and be embarrassed having kinky discussions, then meeting and realizing I would never go hands-on in a million years with the guy and have to backpedal. Also, each person is an individual who might change how I feel about certain activities so there's no use in generalizing. Case in point: the crossdressing/sissy thing does nothing for me. Yet, I had one partner who enjoyed this and I was willing to occasionally indulge him because he offered enough other qualities to keep me interested.

There have been times I've sent someone an in-depth bdsm checklist and asked him to fill it out and email it back before meeting. That's quite different than having a 2-way chat about kinks before establishing in-person chemistry. It suits my comfort level.

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/10/2011 12:57:50 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		Something that really irks me is the wasting of time. I may, at some point, post my "time" rant in my journal but for now, suffice it to say that to me, time is our most precious resource.

To that end I will not meet with someone, face-to-face, until I have spent a reasonable amount of time actually speaking with them (either phone or Skype). A part of that discussion must be the fact that I am not a sadist.

So ... when? Well, I like to think that if I have met someone on this site, that in the course of a few phone calls, kink/BDSM activity will become part of the regular flow of a conversation.

If I send a lady an e-mail that is intended to be an "approach" and she takes the time to read my profile and responds that she is a dyed-in-the-wool masochist, that's fine. It prevents the wasting of time.

I guess I can't give a definitive answer except to say that at some point, in the "pre-meeting" stage, it probably will/should come up.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

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RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? - 12/10/2011 1:30:57 AM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		For me it comes up fairly early.

I'll look at her profile and if her kink preferences aren't there, I'll pop an open ended getting to know you question into the conversation. The kink is part of the person I'm getting to know.

The way she answes the question can be as illuminating as the actual words used.

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