Mentoring for new sub

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troppo65 -> Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 3:57:43 AM)
Hello all, my partner/sub and myself are pretty new to this. She thinks, and I agree, that having someone to talk to about what she is going through is pretty important. Finding that someone however is not so simple. She is unsure how any of her friends would react and doesn't feel confident in sharing with them. She has spent time reading various sites and forums and it hasn't been much help, it has actually confused her more. I have read about mentors around the place, so is there anyone willing to put their hand up as a mentor, or can anyone recommend something else that may assist? Thanks.

kalikshama -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 4:40:40 AM)
When my now ex husband and I were new to this, I found many of the books in this booklist helpful: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm We also joined a local BDSM group and went to munches and play parties. [sm=welcomewave.gif] KK

Asherscorp1 -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 7:35:32 AM)
Find a local BDSM group and get involved with that. There are usually people more than willing to mentor. I also recommend browsing the book-list.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 10:15:17 AM)
When your partner reads the forums and finds something confusing, does she post? I'm assuming she doesn't since you have a couples account. You could join groups and go to munches to become friends with like minded people. She can read books on the subject. She could also post questions here and get some answers to her questions.

littlewonder -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 10:36:09 AM)
What is she confused about? You order, she obeys.

tazzygirl -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 10:40:50 AM)
Even if that isnt their dynamic? His profile indicates they are not working towards an M/s relationship.

kalikshama -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 11:04:42 AM)
Right, that's exactly the problem, they are D/s or T/b but are only finding M/s info.

MikeSojourner -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 1:18:35 PM)
If your friends aren't kinky, I'd recommend her talking on here or on Fetlife (http://fetlife.com) there are some really good groups on Fet, and people are generally very helpful. If nothing else, you should be able to find some local groups and munches on there so you can meet others in person in a casual setting. I wouldn't recommend taking a random person as a mentor since you have no idea how reliable the person is or what sort of information they'd give - you typically want a mentor to be someone you already know and trust (even if from only interacting with them online).

tazzygirl -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 2:19:08 PM)
Most of the sites I used to have are gone. To the OP, I echo the sentiments of others. Have her post questions here, we shall do our best. Also take advantage of the local scene. Recommendations there can be very helpful.

slaveluci -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 2:31:43 PM)
I would caution you both against putting too much interest or importance into what anyone else thinks/says about YOUR relationship. Just like in any (vanilla - I HATE that word, really) relationship, it's what you two make of it and to hell with the opinions of some peanut gallery which frankly is what places like this rapidly and frequently devolve into. She can talk with her own "regular" friends that she trusts about other things about relationship issues also. There's no need to go into gory, intimate details really. You, she and people you already know, love and trust are the best soundingboards not some strangers who just also happen to think they're kinky like you[;)] luci

slaveluci -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 2:32:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci I would caution you both against putting too much interest or importance into what anyone else thinks/says about YOUR relationship. Just like in any (vanilla - I HATE that word, really) relationship, it's what you two make of it and to hell with the opinions of some peanut gallery which frankly is what places like this rapidly and frequently devolve into. She can talk with her own "regular" friends that she trusts about other things about relationship issues also. There's no need to go into gory, intimate details really. You, she and people you already know, love and trust are the best soundingboards not some strangers who just also happen to think they're kinky like you[;)] luci

troppo65 -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 4:41:22 PM)
Thanks for the replies. The reading list looks good, we have some reading material already, but more is always good :) A local group may be a little more difficult, but is on the agenda. I have found some on Fetlife and will be making contact with them, as we are from a small city though I think the local scene is probably fairly limited, will be happy if I'm wrong though. Reading forums has been problematic for her, as tazzygirl and kalikshama posted, we have our own dynamic and it is different than some others. I'm sure we are all aware of the differing attitudes expressed in forums and she has trouble filtering the replies, leading to confusion on what she SHOULD be doing. This is why I have told her not to go on anymore forums for the time being. I don't intend on allowing any old random to mentor her, which is why I am posting here. It gives me the chance to look at the responses of the people and judge who I think would be suitable for us. I can then message them directly to find out more if I need to. If I do find someone i think will be suitable, I will be monitoring the correspondence. For those who have shown an interest, I will be posting again with some more detail on our situation.

sheisreeds -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 4:46:46 PM)
I agree with what others have said, meet some other people into BDSM. Get a fetlife account, search for groups in your area, and pick a class or a munch to go to, and that's for both of you. This stuff can make a whole lot more sense when you see real people doing it. My kinky friends have been amazing, and we have all taught one another so much.

troppo65 -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 4:49:00 PM)
Luci, your reply pretty well hit the nail on the head. The only issue being our exisitng friends are not really suitable for discussing this aspect of our lives. We seem to have come at this in the reverse way most folk on here appear to have. That is we already have a strong, long term relationship, married, kids etc. and are now evolving into a d/s relationship. I think that is why alot of the forum advice doesn't quite gel with her, it seems more suited to someone who has a lifestyle and looking to try and make a relationship work around the lifestyle. We have a relationship and are looking to find the lifestyle that fits the relationship.

searching4mysir -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 4:58:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: troppo65 Luci, your reply pretty well hit the nail on the head. The only issue being our exisitng friends are not really suitable for discussing this aspect of our lives. We seem to have come at this in the reverse way most folk on here appear to have. That is we already have a strong, long term relationship, married, kids etc. and are now evolving into a d/s relationship. I think that is why alot of the forum advice doesn't quite gel with her, it seems more suited to someone who has a lifestyle and looking to try and make a relationship work around the lifestyle. We have a relationship and are looking to find the lifestyle that fits the relationship. For me, the lifestyle and the relationship kinda work together. Master and I don't play publicly and we aren't active members of the community (we currently don't live together but that will change in July). Heck, I've never even been to a munch. So for us it is the relationship before the M/s. They are evolving together with the relationship taking the higher priority.

DesFIP -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 7:46:57 PM)
I suggest she reads more and see who writes posts that resonates with her. And then write to those people directly, telling them which post she read that made her think this was a knowledgeable person for her to talk to, and ask if they would be willing to talk to her. However she would also benefit by posting questions and reading all those confusing different replies, because eventually that will make her think about things she hasn't yet considered that may prove to be helpful.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/26/2011 10:25:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: troppo65 Thanks for the replies. The reading list looks good, we have some reading material already, but more is always good :) A local group may be a little more difficult, but is on the agenda. I have found some on Fetlife and will be making contact with them, as we are from a small city though I think the local scene is probably fairly limited, will be happy if I'm wrong though. Reading forums has been problematic for her, as tazzygirl and kalikshama posted, we have our own dynamic and it is different than some others. I'm sure we are all aware of the differing attitudes expressed in forums and she has trouble filtering the replies, leading to confusion on what she SHOULD be doing. This is why I have told her not to go on anymore forums for the time being. I don't intend on allowing any old random to mentor her, which is why I am posting here. It gives me the chance to look at the responses of the people and judge who I think would be suitable for us. I can then message them directly to find out more if I need to. If I do find someone i think will be suitable, I will be monitoring the correspondence. For those who have shown an interest, I will be posting again with some more detail on our situation. Both you and her need to decide what works for the two of you, regardless of what anyone here posts about their relationship. Your comment that she gets "confused," is....well, a little confusing! You say you have a solid long term relationship, married with kids. So one has to assume that you had a at least a couple of conversations about what you BOTH, want, not a matter of you saying, "I want this," and her just saying, "Ok," without any concept of what you want at all (although we did have a post here recently by someone who did exactly that). Yes, a lot of people here talk about things from an M/s perspective. But those M/s relationships involve everything from micromanagement for some, to basically the "master" simply having the last word, but the two discuss things and each have input. There is no hard and fast rule. What I'm saying is that it shouldn't be all that difficult for a reasonably intelligent person to read posts and determine what would and would not be acceptable to them, as in her and you. She also might read about something that she hadn't thought of before, but might be a real interest to her. At that point, she goes to you, says, "hey, I read this and it sounds interesting, what do you think?" and the two of you either add it to your lives or decide not to. BDSM is far from rocket science. There is no "true" way, and although it isn't uncommon to come across the whole, "I'm a better sub/slave/dom/master because of x, y, z," most people tend to find them nothing more than internet posturing and entertainment. In other words, she can read every book ever written, memorize all the Gor novels, be able to recite the Story of O from memory, but if none of those things fit in with what the two of you want, then it is all meaningless. Only you and your wife know what you want out of this. Every person here who has a successful relationship got to that point by talking to each other about what they want, what they don't want, what they like and what they don't like. They may have done that at the "dating" stage of their relationship knowing they wanted a D/s or M/s dynamc, but it is a relationship, not simply M/s or D/s (although there are those as well). If you restrict her reading the forums, you restrict what she can learn. Restricting what she learns is almost like trying to hide something from her, and I really don't get the impression that is your goal. By all means, monitor her mail (although with a couples account, it is both of yours), and read the forums TOGETHER, so you can talk about what you both think of the things you read. That is likely going to take you farther than anything else.

troppo65 -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 12:09:31 AM)
I'd like to try and clarify a few things as it appears I haven't been as clear as I could have. It may be best to try and briefly step what we have been through so far. We have flirted with the d/s lifestyle a number of times in the past, but always after a period of time life has moved us away from it. So a while ago we decided to try it again, sat down, discussed the pros and cons over a few days and decided that we were going to make a commitment to make sure we stuck it out. So we layed down some ground rules we agreed on and we were off. Adjusted a few rules as we went, made some new ones, threw some out. As LafayetteLady says, not rocket science :) All going along swimmingly, partner is very happy with the way things are going, so am I. One evening as we were preparing to try a new ritual my partner says she wasn't sure about it anymore,which came as bit of a surprise. So we discussed why the doubts. Turned out that she had been reading up on forums and was worried that by taking this up as a lifestyle she would lose her identity. She had already been through what has been labelled "sub frenzy", which we had reigned back. But she is also the type of person that worries about whether she is doing any given thing the right way. So was convinced that it could only work if she addressed me as master (which I have no interest in her doing) and being micro managed. She was concerned about losing her own identity and many of the things that people post as being the "correct" way of living a d/s lifestyle (as others have posted, d/s and m/s are different). So we again sat and discussed what we wanted and the fact that there is no correct way of doing things, every relationship is different, everyone has their own personal boundaries and limits. So all is good again and we are back on track. But I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission. Again as you have said, we can read them together and discuss any misgivings she may have at the time rather than letting them stew and run off on a tangent. We are very much in the formative stages, so we are BOTH learning. What she needs is someone other than me to talk to. It is something she always values in her other endeavours and she loves to talk :) We can discuss and agree all we like, but having a 3rd party to talk to would be invaluable. This has also been discussed between us and she has said that she wouldn't be comfortable talking to any of her friends about our lifestyle. She did say that she would feel comfortable talking to her brother, but he has some views/philosophies I really don't agree with and I can see would be problematic. To me, having someone experienced in the lifestyle, who has been through the things we will be going through and is thoroughly independent would be an ideal choice, more than one someone even better. Hence the request. Once we are a bit further along and she is more comfortable and knows more of what she wants then letting her loose amongst the varied views and personalities will happen, now is not quite the right time though. edit: just thought I'd add that we have discussed me doing this and she also thinks it is a good idea.

DesFIP -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 6:17:06 AM)
You can't pick a mentor for her. Because the people you feel she should talk to may well not be people she would enjoy having as a friend. She has to develop her own friends. However, on fetlife there are groups geared towards submissive women where she can post questions and read. And of course, you folks need to improve your communication skills. If her first response on reading something upsetting is to stew about it in private instead of talking to you, then you aren't ready for a d/s relationship. Because communication between you two is of the utmost importance. She could email you her thoughts with the link to what she read, she can keep an online journal which you need to read, she can write in a paper journal which you read. You can set aside time nightly to talk. However it works out best in your life, but you need to fix the communication skills first. I'm getting the feeling that she doesn't want this. You keep pushing it on her and she's feeling pressured to accept it or else. So she does, and then she backtracks and puts up roadblocks because she is feeling coerced. If so, then it can only lead to resentment.

OsideGirl -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 7:37:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: troppo65 Hello all, my partner/sub and myself are pretty new to this. She thinks, and I agree, that having someone to talk to about what she is going through is pretty important. Finding that someone however is not so simple. She is unsure how any of her friends would react and doesn't feel confident in sharing with them. She has spent time reading various sites and forums and it hasn't been much help, it has actually confused her more. I have read about mentors around the place, so is there anyone willing to put their hand up as a mentor, or can anyone recommend something else that may assist? Thanks. I always recommend that you find a mentor that is local to you, that knows the community and that you can engage with in real life. Honestly, you're not really going to get to see how a real life D/s relationship works by talking to someone on the internet.

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