RE: Mentoring for new sub

RE: Mentoring for new sub (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

kalikshama -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 4:13:42 PM)
My husband and I were married for 10 years before we discovered BDSM. I think I'd be a good mentor but because of comments like this believe you are too controlling for me to want to get involved: quote: But I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission. quote: If I do find someone i think will be suitable, I will be monitoring the correspondence.

DesFIP -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 4:15:52 PM)
Because of the fact he intends to control any friendships/mentoring, it's pretty apparent that she won't feel free to talk honestly and openly with whoever. At which point she might as well not bother.

kalikshama -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 4:17:34 PM)
Indeed.

sheisreeds -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 4:26:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: troppo65 I'd like to try and clarify a few things as it appears I haven't been as clear as I could have. It may be best to try and briefly step what we have been through so far. We have flirted with the d/s lifestyle a number of times in the past, but always after a period of time life has moved us away from it. So a while ago we decided to try it again, sat down, discussed the pros and cons over a few days and decided that we were going to make a commitment to make sure we stuck it out. So we layed down some ground rules we agreed on and we were off. Adjusted a few rules as we went, made some new ones, threw some out. As LafayetteLady says, not rocket science :) All going along swimmingly, partner is very happy with the way things are going, so am I. One evening as we were preparing to try a new ritual my partner says she wasn't sure about it anymore,which came as bit of a surprise. So we discussed why the doubts. Turned out that she had been reading up on forums and was worried that by taking this up as a lifestyle she would lose her identity. She had already been through what has been labelled "sub frenzy", which we had reigned back. But she is also the type of person that worries about whether she is doing any given thing the right way. So was convinced that it could only work if she addressed me as master (which I have no interest in her doing) and being micro managed. She was concerned about losing her own identity and many of the things that people post as being the "correct" way of living a d/s lifestyle (as others have posted, d/s and m/s are different). So we again sat and discussed what we wanted and the fact that there is no correct way of doing things, every relationship is different, everyone has their own personal boundaries and limits. So all is good again and we are back on track. But I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission. Again as you have said, we can read them together and discuss any misgivings she may have at the time rather than letting them stew and run off on a tangent. We are very much in the formative stages, so we are BOTH learning. What she needs is someone other than me to talk to. It is something she always values in her other endeavours and she loves to talk :) We can discuss and agree all we like, but having a 3rd party to talk to would be invaluable. This has also been discussed between us and she has said that she wouldn't be comfortable talking to any of her friends about our lifestyle. She did say that she would feel comfortable talking to her brother, but he has some views/philosophies I really don't agree with and I can see would be problematic. To me, having someone experienced in the lifestyle, who has been through the things we will be going through and is thoroughly independent would be an ideal choice, more than one someone even better. Hence the request. Once we are a bit further along and she is more comfortable and knows more of what she wants then letting her loose amongst the varied views and personalities will happen, now is not quite the right time though. edit: just thought I'd add that we have discussed me doing this and she also thinks it is a good idea. You Mr Domly Dom need a mentor more than she does. All I can say is what said before: I agree with what others have said, meet some other people into BDSM. Get a fetlife account, search for groups in your area, and pick a class or a munch to go to, and that's for both of you.

troppo65 -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 4:46:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP You can't pick a mentor for her. Because the people you feel she should talk to may well not be people she would enjoy having as a friend. She has to develop her own friends. Not sure I said I was going to pick a mentor for her? I am certainly going to check out any who do wish to take it on though and weed out those who are not suitable, this is the internet and not everyone is the person they initially portray themselves as. If she then chooses to develop a relationship with anyone from that point, that will be her (and whoever she is talking to's) choice. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP And of course, you folks need to improve your communication skills. If her first response on reading something upsetting is to stew about it in private instead of talking to you, then you aren't ready for a d/s relationship. Because communication between you two is of the utmost importance. She could email you her thoughts with the link to what she read, she can keep an online journal which you need to read, she can write in a paper journal which you read. You can set aside time nightly to talk. However it works out best in your life, but you need to fix the communication skills first. Not quite sure how you came to this conclusion either, we certainly do communicate all the time. We communicated over this issue when it came to light and overcame it. It took a while for her to process all the disparate information she was reading before it got to the overload point, where she came to the (incorrect) conclusions on what it all meant for us. We discussed it that night. We do email ideas, feelings etc. back and forward many times a day when we are not together. We have discussed how to prevent it happening again and have decided to try and find a mentor, this is as much her idea as mine. The issue I have posted about was related to the difficulty of getting accurate, relevant communication on Internet forums........ quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I'm getting the feeling that she doesn't want this. You keep pushing it on her and she's feeling pressured to accept it or else. So she does, and then she backtracks and puts up roadblocks because she is feeling coerced. If so, then it can only lead to resentment. Again, I'm not quite sure how you came to this conclusion. There has been a single back track on her part, related to the input from Internet forum lifestyle experts who don't actually know us. Her level of enthusiasm outstrips mine most of time. This is an excellent example of what can go wrong on forums. I have attempted to communicate a relatively simple request to see if there would be someone willing to assist my partner. It may be that I have not communicated clearly, but now we have ended up where we are deficient in our communication skills, not ready to be in a d/s relationship and I am attempting to pressure her into something she doesn't want. Maybe this is why finding a mentor is preferable to posting questions on forums?

sheisreeds -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 4:58:06 PM)
Gonna say it again! GO OUT AND MEET REAL PEOPLE http://www.bdsmaustralia.net/ Being a new dom doesn't mean immediately going in and making all decisions for her, it means manning up and learning and listen to advice.

Duskypearls -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 5:02:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: troppo65 quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP You can't pick a mentor for her. Because the people you feel she should talk to may well not be people she would enjoy having as a friend. She has to develop her own friends. Not sure I said I was going to pick a mentor for her? I am certainly going to check out any who do wish to take it on though and weed out those who are not suitable, this is the internet and not everyone is the person they initially portray themselves as. If she then chooses to develop a relationship with anyone from that point, that will be her (and whoever she is talking to's) choice. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP And of course, you folks need to improve your communication skills. If her first response on reading something upsetting is to stew about it in private instead of talking to you, then you aren't ready for a d/s relationship. Because communication between you two is of the utmost importance. She could email you her thoughts with the link to what she read, she can keep an online journal which you need to read, she can write in a paper journal which you read. You can set aside time nightly to talk. However it works out best in your life, but you need to fix the communication skills first. Not quite sure how you came to this conclusion either, we certainly do communicate all the time. We communicated over this issue when it came to light and overcame it. It took a while for her to process all the disparate information she was reading before it got to the overload point, where she came to the (incorrect) conclusions on what it all meant for us. We discussed it that night. We do email ideas, feelings etc. back and forward many times a day when we are not together. We have discussed how to prevent it happening again and have decided to try and find a mentor, this is as much her idea as mine. The issue I have posted about was related to the difficulty of getting accurate, relevant communication on Internet forums........ quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I'm getting the feeling that she doesn't want this. You keep pushing it on her and she's feeling pressured to accept it or else. So she does, and then she backtracks and puts up roadblocks because she is feeling coerced. If so, then it can only lead to resentment. Again, I'm not quite sure how you came to this conclusion. There has been a single back track on her part, related to the input from Internet forum lifestyle experts who don't actually know us. Her level of enthusiasm outstrips mine most of time. This is an excellent example of what can go wrong on forums. I have attempted to communicate a relatively simple request to see if there would be someone willing to assist my partner. It may be that I have not communicated clearly, but now we have ended up where we are deficient in our communication skills, not ready to be in a d/s relationship and I am attempting to pressure her into something she doesn't want. Maybe this is why finding a mentor is preferable to posting questions on forums? I understand your frustration, Troppo, as it is commonly one that I share. As different folks have different upbringings, experiences, perceptions and interpretations, it only stands to reason there are some who will read into your words, that, which is not actually there. Everybody's got a different take and bent on things. The downside to that is you have to wade through it all. The goodside is it helps you to distinguish between the one's who "get" and read you well, and those that don't, so you know whom to choose to make further inquiry with. One of the things I found helpful, and am grateful that I did it, is I spent about 2 months reading people's posts on here, before I ever put out one of my own, to get a sense of their personalities and styles, as well as the lay of the land. It served me well.

troppo65 -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 5:16:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama My husband and I were married for 10 years before we discovered BDSM. I think I'd be a good mentor but because of comments like this believe you are too controlling for me to want to get involved: quote: But I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission. quote: If I do find someone i think will be suitable, I will be monitoring the correspondence. Errrr, wow. I am obviously not getting what I am trying to say across clearly, as this reply and several others, demonstrates. The reason for not letting her read forums is exactly this, the conclusions drawn thus far by the forum are waaaaay off the mark. In my previous reply I also clarified why I would monitor communications with any prospective mentors, not everyone is who they appear to be on the internet. It was also HER idea for me to monitor communication with any prospective mentor we might find, hence the couples account. Part of HER reasoning, she felt she might communicate some things to a mentor that I should be aware of and may forget to tell me. We do have an account on fetlife and are looking at getting to a munch, trying to find time is the difficulty. Could I please ask that if you are interested in discussing our situation and something needs clarification in your minds, that you ask me to clarify, rather than coming to conclusions and judging us? Thanks.

sheisreeds -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 5:24:45 PM)
My conclusion remains the same, you need a mentor just as much, if not more than she does. This is not the place to find a mentor. I and several others have advised resources local to you. A dominant must first be a master of themselves before they can be the master of someone else.

troppo65 -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 5:45:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sheisreeds Gonna say it again! GO OUT AND MEET REAL PEOPLE http://www.bdsmaustralia.net/ Being a new dom doesn't mean immediately going in and making all decisions for her, it means manning up and learning and listen to advice. Thanks for the link, will check it out. I agree that a real life mentor would be preferable, but the locals we have seen on fetlife are a little hardcore for her. The profiles and photos of some of the more active local members actually scared her and she has no interest in meeting them. Not a judgement on their lifestyles, they are just not what we are looking for at this point. But we will continue to look. This forum and the Internet in general are not the only avenues being investigated. Not sure how you also seemed to have jumped to the conclusion that I am making all of her decisions for her, I'm not. I am more than happy to listen to all advice. What I don't do though is draw conclusions and pass judgement on other people when I don't have enough information to do so, I prefer to ask more questions and seek more advice. I also try to refrain from name calling.

kalikshama -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 6:02:22 PM)
quote: the conclusions drawn thus far by the forum are waaaaay off the mark. How can you argue with my conclusion, which is based on your words, that I find you too controlling for me to be interested in serving as her mentor? "exercised authority" + "monitoring communications" = too Big Brother for KK In the absence of a local mentor, stick around the boards for a while (yes there are sharks but also kittens), and find someone with whom she resonates - you can get a good sense of posters with high post counts by reading their old posts plus high post counts are indicative of willingness to give opinions. Also look for someone of whom you can ask questions. ps - it will go over better if SHE approaches the potential mentor, trust me on this! pps - and do find a more palatable way to express that your wife will be sharing communications with you.

littlewonder -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 6:05:04 PM)
if she's so confused why doesn't she post about it with her questions? If she can't be bothered to post herself I honestly can't take the situation very seriously.

kalikshama -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 6:09:29 PM)
He forbade her - see page 1: quote: I'm sure we are all aware of the differing attitudes expressed in forums and she has trouble filtering the replies, leading to confusion on what she SHOULD be doing. This is why I have told her not to go on anymore forums for the time being. quote: I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission.

troppo65 -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 6:11:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Duskypearls I understand your frustration, Troppo, as it is commonly one that I share. As different folks have different upbringings, experiences, perceptions and interpretations, it only stands to reason there are some who will read into your words, that, which is not actually there. Everybody's got a different take and bent on things. The downside to that is you have to wade through it all. The goodside is it helps you to distinguish between the one's who "get" and read you well, and those that don't, so you know whom to choose to make further inquiry with. One of the things I found helpful, and am grateful that I did it, is I spent about 2 months reading people's posts on here, before I ever put out one of my own, to get a sense of their personalities and styles, as well as the lay of the land. It served me well. I don't mind wading, replying to those I may not agree with I also find useful. At least those with an interest can get clarification by reading those replies. There have been some helpful direct messages received, as many people may not want to actually post in thread but can read and communicate out of the view of others.

littlewonder -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 6:12:12 PM)
then obviously they're stuck because I have no idea how she's gonna get over her confusion then. I mean without knowing WHAT the confusion is then there's no way to help her. I mean is it confusion over what she wants from her relationship? Whether she's a sub or slave? How to take pain? How to deal with children and bdsm? I mean there are thousands of things she could be confused with. This is why I'm glad I'm a slave...makes for no confusion whatsoever lol.

kalikshama -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 6:17:04 PM)
Well, let's see if we can propose a mentor then. I'm not submissive enough and you're a slave - who is in between and started off in a vanilla relationship and became D/s?

troppo65 -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/27/2011 6:30:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama quote: the conclusions drawn thus far by the forum are waaaaay off the mark. How can you argue with my conclusion, which is based on your words, that I find you too controlling for me to be interested in serving as her mentor? "exercised authority" + "monitoring communications" = too Big Brother for KK I can argue with your conclusion because it is wrong :) What I can't argue with is the wording I used, the " exercised authority" was obviously a crap way of putting it. My monitoring the communications I stand by though, as I have posted I want to "interview" (please dont read anything into that word, best I can think of at this point) anyone who may be interested. Also my wife WANTS me to read the communications. If you're not interested, you're not interested, but I do appreciate you taking the time to say why, giving me the chance to point out where you may have mis-judged or i may have mis-communicated. quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama In the absence of a local mentor, stick around the boards for a while (yes there are sharks but also kittens), and find someone with whom she resonates - you can get a good sense of posters with high post counts by reading their old posts plus high post counts are indicative of willingness to give opinions. Also look for someone of whom you can ask questions. ps - it will go over better if SHE approaches the potential mentor, trust me on this! pps - and do find a more palatable way to express that your wife will be sharing communications with you. I will be sticking around :) It probably would be better if she approached a mentor, but knowing her as I do, I know she would have given up entirely after the first page and a half of replies (as happened on the other forum) Point noted about palatibilty of what I write, I sometimes rush replies, as I am doing now as I am currently doing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen and fighting low battery whilst my wife is doing a craft project with our youngest. Controlling b****** aren't I? ;)

Kana -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/28/2011 5:40:31 AM)
quote: You Mr Domly Dom need a mentor more than she does. I read this and that old line about there being, "No bad dogs, only bad owners" came immediately to mind...

xxblushesxx -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/28/2011 6:13:02 AM)
You've been together all these years, and yet you still can't trust your sub to have the intelligence to read the forums, take what she needs from it and leave the rest? You still feel the need to "monitor" her email conversations? If that works for you, I wish you both the best. Personally, I would be chafing under such conditions. HM trusts me to be intelligent enough to find the good, and ignore the rest. He trusts me to have my own friends (both male and female) and knows I would never do or say anthing that would hurt what we have together. He also knows that if I were to accept someone as a "mentor" (ie friend with more experience) that I would still sift through his/her experiences and use what I know will work for me, experiment with what might, and discard that which obviously (for whatever reason) won't. Does your sub wish you to have so much control that she's treated as a child who must be held by the hand and led? Just because someone identifies as submissive, do not mistake that for unable to make decisions, or unable to think for him/herself. Perhaps you could try something such as this, give her an assignment to come to the forums and research something you're interested in. Have her write a paper on what she's found and what she believes to be true/untrue about her findings. She wouldn't need to even post if she didn't want to. We have a search function on the forums that (once you've played with it a bit) works fairly well.

Fetters4U -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/28/2011 6:41:45 AM)
quote: I am obviously not getting what I am trying to say across clearly, as this reply and several others, demonstrates. The reason for not letting her read forums is exactly this, the conclusions drawn thus far by the forum are waaaaay off the mark. quote: But I did exercise my authority at that point and instruct her not to read anymore forums without my permission. quote: If I do find someone i think will be suitable, I will be monitoring the correspondence. It seems to me that you are doing an exceedingly good job of getting across what you don't want to say. You are also doing an excellent job of ignoring opinions that do not fit YOUR view of the universe. It certainly sounds like YOU are talking your wife into thinks she does not want. Perhaps YOU are the one that needs help here.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875