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NuevaVida -> RE: Mentoring for new sub (12/30/2011 9:12:49 AM)
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ORIGINAL: troppo65
It is one of the things I have found strange. I would have thought regular members of a forum such as this one would have prided themselves on not judging the choices of others, instead it seems to have a large number of members completley unable to comprehend that just because they wouldn't be happy doing things a certain way, somebody else could.
I personally find that a rather narrow minded approach. But each to their own.
This is a mistake many people make when they first join these (and other) forums. Kinky people are no less judgmental than non kinky people. Some are more judgmental, some are less. They're still just people, when you look at the big picture.
However, some of what you wrote in the OP did cause concern for some folks. Keep in mind, there are many folks who enter D/s and M/s for less than good reasons. Many "dominants" are just looking for someone to abuse, and isolation falls high on society's list of what's abusive. Many "submissives" have behaved unscrupulously, too. And people don't like suspecting emotional damage is occurring, so they'll react pretty strongly to it.
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Also the apparent contradiction of insisting that anything short of total and honest communication is guaranteed to see your relationship fail. Yet sharing your partner's emails, with their knowledge and consent, is a taboo.
It's taboo with some and not taboo with others. See, this is why hanging out and learning the way other people do this is a good idea - there are a million ways (and then some) of managing a D/s or M/s relationship, and you'll get exposure to all of them. Some are in the minority of how they conduct their relationships, and get a lot of flak because of it. Some are in the minority and get a lot of interest/fascination with how they're doing it.
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The forum ban is in place for good reaons, at the moment, it more than likely will change at a later date (this is a couples account for a reason). I do have several offline discussions going of my own.
I trust you have your reasons. Some people view "forum bans" as a way of isolation, and as a way of covering the submissive's eyes to anything that might contradict what the dominant is saying - and that can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the dominant's scruples. Without knowing you, people tend to error on the side of caution, as it is human nature to do so.
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You have raised a point for me there though. Is my interpretation of what a mentor is different to that generally understood by everyone else.
You will find as many different definitions of "mentor" as you will of "master," "dominant," "slave," "submissive," or anything else. Diversity makes the world go round.
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Your fantastic friend sounds exactly like a mentor to me. Someone who discusses things with you, and rather than making up THEIR mind about what you need and telling you what to do, poses you questions that make you answer your own questions from within yourself.
And yet, she did not consider herself to be my mentor, just my friend. And that friendship was created by starting with give and take exchanges on these forums.
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Yet you say that when you asked her to be a mentor she said "that's going to be a whole 'nuther ball of wax, and I'll be hard on you'.
So what is the definition of a mentor? I seem to have this very wrong.
Again, it really depends on who you talk to. She found it to be a rather formal, teaching role. But we chose to just enjoy the friendship, and be emotionally invested in each other, so we never got to any sort of "formal mentor" place.
Not everyone has the same idea of what a mentor is, and there are unscrupulous mentors out there, too. This is why learning about others' viewpoints is beneficial because you can weigh those ideas against what feels right to you, maybe gain some insight, and grow from it. You might find you really don't need a mentor at all, rather just diverse interactions, or developed friendships.
I also had a male friend at that time, who was a rather strict master. Again, no mentoring, just a lot of conversations which helped me focus on where my head was and where my head needed to be. More hours on the phone and lots of emails.
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With the munches, like I said that is still on the cards, we live in a fairly small city though (population around 1 million) so the folks my wife doesn't want to be around will crop up somewhere, whether this is something we can get around, who knows? That is something that may take some time.
You might discover there are many people at those munches who have the same concerns. I don't go to munches here, but I do go to a private "discussion group" hosted by a friend, and there's an unspoken (and sometimes spoken) awareness that not everyone wants their relationship lifestyles made public, so that is respected. The few munches I've been to just looked like a group of friendly folks having dinner together at a restaurant.
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Hopefully we are as lucky as you and find such a person, if we don't, we don't, life will go on. I realise that having the forum ban in place is going to reduce the chances of us finding such individuals. As will the fact that I will be reading all correspondence, that is plainly more than some people can cope with.
MANY people have huge concerns over having their emails read. Since the Mister reads my emails here, and that is stated on my profile, I know that dissuades people from emailing me here who otherwise would. There was a discussion at Fetlife about this and wow did it get heated. It's just a hot button for a lot of people. A human-nature thing.
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If we do happen to luck out and find someone, once I am comfortable that the person is someone who can be trusted with the level of input into our relationship being a mentor (as I understand the term) has, I will more than likely not read all, though I doubt it :)
Your challenge is this - mentoring someone can take a lot of energy and time invested. It's going to be hard to find someone willing to put in that kind of time and energy to someone they don't know, and how are they going to know your wife if she's not "out there" talking to people and getting to know people?
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As for some other posters, all forums have people who are OBVIOUSLY either mentally deficient, wilfully ignorant, or just your standard, everyday, forum trolls, they're the same as on any other forum, nothing special. Personally I find the trolls amusing and when bored will be seen feeding them just to provide myself with more laughter.
Your other challenge is that it's going to be difficult to find someone to want to invest in you and your wife if you end your posts insulting those with opinions contrary to your own, or even if you take to insulting those who insult you. Most of the people who have responded to you are long time and respected posters here, and you've just, in one-fell-swoop, ridiculed them. I don't always agree with what other posters say, but I do respect who they are, and I might take offense to a new guy on the block calling them mentally deficient. Yanno?
Stick around awhile. But open your eyes and ears. Most people were put through a bit of a ringer when they first started posting. It's because of being knew, with no history/credibility, and being looked at skeptically because God knows the number of times new folks have come on here to tell us "the way things ought to be." I know I sure went through the ringer here - oh the arguments I had lol. But I learned to listen more and say less and my eyes were opened to all sorts of cool stuff - much of which enlightened me and much of which I thought "What the hell???"
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