RE: How important is a sub's self-esteem to a dom?

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RE: How important is a sub's self-esteem to a dom? - 12/29/2011 4:14:53 PM

searching4mysir

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

You don't have strong boundaries. Every time you allow him to do this you teach him that your no means yes. You have helped create this mess. It is equally your problem to be someone who keeps her word. Allowing someone to break your hard limits repeatedly without any consequence teaches them that you're a liar also.

The simple reason is, he said if I have not try it before, how do I know if I like or don't like. So sometimes, I said, fine, I'll try it, and if I really hate it, then I don't want to do it again. It became a point where I was saying no to alot of his new suggestions and in a relationship, I felt some sort of compromise is required, and that was my compromise.
Perhaps bdsm cannot be treated like vanilla, because in vanilla relationships, you bend some too, where it is possible, because you care about the other party.

This sounds to me like you aren't sure what the difference between a hard and soft limit is. Hard limits are things you won't do at all. Soft limits are things that are limits at first until more trust is established. After doing it once it might become a hard limit and it might not (that is something only you can decide).

My Master knows what my hard limits are and what my soft limits are. He knows that I want nothing to do with bodily waste or blood or permanent marks. Other things I'm nervous about trying, but will try with him when the timing is right. Those things might become hard limits or they might not, but I trust him to bring me to and through them safely (and that means emotionally as well as physically).

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RE: How important is a sub's self-esteem to a dom? - 12/29/2011 5:32:14 PM

DesFIP

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There are things that I don't need to try in order to know that they are going to be bad for me. If the entire idea of something makes me panicky or nauseous then I don't need to try them and actually have a full blown panic attack or start vomiting to know it isn't any good. I trust my instincts. And he trusts mine.

As far as things that I have eventually tried, it hasn't been because he's brow beaten me into allowing him to do it. It's because he either has explained it to me so that I no longer am violently opposed to the idea and can see some value to it, or more frequently because he's allowed me to look into it on my own, think it over and bring it up to him when I feel like discussing it.

Most importantly, he doesn't believe that a relationship should be like being a birder. Birders are birdwatchers who get more satisfaction out of checking off a new species on their life lists then they actually do by watching the bird. If your only value to him is a warm body to try fetishes on, then he doesn't value you as a person in her own right.

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RE: How important is a sub's self-esteem to a dom? - 12/29/2011 6:49:06 PM

Greta75

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quote:

There are things that I don't need to try in order to know that they are going to be bad for me. If the entire idea of something makes me panicky or nauseous then I don't need to try them and actually have a full blown panic attack or start vomiting to know it isn't any good. I trust my instincts. And he trusts mine.

As far as things that I have eventually tried, it hasn't been because he's brow beaten me into allowing him to do it. It's because he either has explained it to me so that I no longer am violently opposed to the idea and can see some value to it, or more frequently because he's allowed me to look into it on my own, think it over and bring it up to him when I feel like discussing it.

Most importantly, he doesn't believe that a relationship should be like being a birder. Birders are birdwatchers who get more satisfaction out of checking off a new species on their life lists then they actually do by watching the bird. If your only value to him is a warm body to try fetishes on, then he doesn't value you as a person in her own right.

Des, this sounds very wise, and you really put things in perspective. I know I have to work on getting out of this denial that there is more than just bdsm in this relationship.
Alot of things we do together in our vanilla lives confuses me greatly. Let's put it this way, his mom believes his intention for me is marriage. In our real life, we are like an engaged vanilla couple to all our friends and family. But my value to him is only as long as I fulfill his fetishes. And he'd marry a girl who does that, that is his priority and not mine. That is just the truth.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/29/2011 6:50:37 PM >

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RE: How important is a sub's self-esteem to a dom? - 12/29/2011 9:11:57 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

<snip> But my value to him is only as long as I fulfill his fetishes. And he'd marry a girl who does that, that is his priority and not mine. That is just the truth.

And this is what you want for yourself and your future - to be with someone who values you for fetish fulfillment? If you had a sister or a best friend and you knew they were with a partner who viewed them in the same manner that your man does to you, what would you tell that woman and how would you feel about their future?

What a soul deadening bleak prospect of a life, I can't see anything good or uplifting in being someone else's puppet with nothing in it for yourself. If it doesn't feed your needs as well as his, then what the hell are you doing with him? Who cares what his mother thinks is in the cards for your future? What do you want for your future? Is it to sign up for a lifetime of giving someone else pleasure at your own expense? What you are describing isn't Master/slave or Dominant/submissive, in those situations both parties get what they want. What you are describing is utterly one-sided, abusive, and sick. One party does not constantly subjugate another's needs or limits in order to keep pursuing their own desires.

You've made it clear that the two of you do not share a mutual vision of what is enjoyable in the field of BDSM. If you stay together there will always be friction since he seems bent on pushing his agenda and you've tried what he likes and it's not fun for you - in fact it seems to hurt you. If he does this to you now i just dont see it as changing in the future, and even if he stopped pushing you he'd probably resent you for not doing it. Do you want to live peacefully with him and still feel his resentment towards you? Honestly...what is there for you in this relationship but a miserable existence?

You know people think BDSM and D/s is sick and twisted, but most of the time both parties are doing these sick twisted things gleefully with joy. There is no joy in your relationship and there won't be as long as he doesn't care how you feel, and isn't interested in accomodating your preferences. Go forth and find that person that fits you like your other half, why settle for not being happy? Who gives a rip if your preferences are not as deep as his, and if you label yourself as being more vanilla? There isn't a contest to see who can be more true to any one role. There is only acknowledging what works for you and going to find the person who feels the same as you do.

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RE: How important is a sub's self-esteem to a dom? - 1/6/2012 11:04:19 AM

Xracerschrissy

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I've made it very clear to my slave that my training of her is never meant to lower her self esteem . In fact, my goal is to build that up, as it enhances the gift that us her submission .
There are certain things I command that she likes,some she doesn't. What she doesn't like, but still does for me, is seen as a gift. One that I appreciate more because she wouldn't do it for herself.
So,while she may do some things that may embarrass ,maybe even humiliate her, she knows it is never to lessen her view of herself. It is to enhance that view.

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RE: How important is a sub's self-esteem to a dom? - 1/8/2012 6:57:45 AM

ConnossuerofPain

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the idea is finding those feelings/triggers(which of course is done by COMMUNICATION)and slowly explore them, exploit them over time, after trust has been built/established.

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RE: How important is a sub's self-esteem to a dom? - 1/16/2012 9:38:08 AM

leatherlaceglove

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I think that if a sub has low self-esteem, he/she should first be MENTORED....so that he/she understands the value of his/her gift....for it is a fact, even if we don't often say it out loud, that the sub has all the power. And they are the ones who have given the gift of their submission, for however long they choose to give it. There are so many "train wrecks" out there....a result of Masters/Mistresses who didn't really "GET" the whole D/s truth....some come into it simply because they are bullies (unfortunately)..so they abuse the privilege. Others come into it, having no clue what they are really doing and what it is like to be on the "other end". I have mentored young (and I mean that in terms of the lifestyle) Dom/Dommes and have always stated that unless they have experienced the other side of D/s, if I were to mentor them, they would, as part of their journey, be required to spend some time as a submissive in order to understand and appreciate what the submissive are giving...how beautiful it is...how precious we should consider it to be....how fragile the human soul, mind and spirit really is. How thrilling and frightening it can be...and how much can depend on the Dom/Domme that they have 'given' themselves to. How INCREDIBLY huge a responsibility we, as the Dom/Domme have....to not crush that beautiful little one who has entrusted themselves to our care.

For many Dom/Dommes that is a hard limit.....and I have to ask....why? I think at this point it is very important for that person to ask themselves....what do they fear? Perhaps there is a part of themselves that they should do some work on before they take the next step in the journey. Because D/s isn't just about the experience ... it is about discovering who you ARE. Or at least, it should be.

I have found that those who are willing to be on the other side....discover things that they never would have had they simply just pulled on the D pants and started walking. Those who choose to walk on the other side have a tender regard for their little one(s) simply because they TRULY understand ..... and therein lies the greatest gift WE can give to the little ones we love and care for.

< Message edited by leatherlaceglove -- 1/16/2012 9:42:23 AM >

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RE: How important is a sub's self-esteem to a dom? - 1/17/2012 9:27:14 AM

Arturas

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

What do doms here think about doing things that seriously damages the sub's self-esteem.
I mean, of course bdsm is about verbal humiliation and lots of physical humiliation too, some may be also into public humiliation.
But as with every different sub, there has to be humiliations that is enjoyable, and don't make you think badly of yourself. And there are those, which will always hit a sensitive spot.

What do doms think?

Exactly. Sort of. Subs are foremost very sensitive to what their Dom thinks of them. A harsh word can destroy their entire day. Calling them a name can make them go into a fairly deep depression if they feel you mean it and are not simply exercising your right humiliate them while they are bound and flogged and so forth, you know. So, be careful how you talk to them, leave them with a positive idea or word (this is important in your relationships with all types of women, actually) but if you put them down and mean it then you can easily destroy a submissive's self esteem and it will not be a pretty thing. Conversely, you can get a flower to bloom with a little warm rain and sunshine, understand?

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