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RE: struggles - 1/2/2012 8:23:21 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If he wants you out of his life, then he no longer gets transparency from you. He can't have it both ways. Change your passwords, block his number, send his emails to junk mail. Hell, get a restraining order against him if he keeps harassing you.

If he does want to be with you, then marriage counseling because the constant punishment will end everything soon enough from your side.

Both of you have made mistakes upon mistakes. Both of you need to sincerely wish for a good relationship and be committed to working towards that end. If you both aren't, then it won't ever happen and you might as well move on now. Mourn, grieve, cry, and take your time becoming ready to look for someone new. And next time, don't make commitments you can't keep. And don't ever accept an ultimatum. When someone tells you that it's my way or the highway, always pick the highway. It's the only healthy choice.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: struggles - 1/2/2012 8:24:54 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


What do you want at this point?

I wish I could stop feeling for him, and then there would be no dramas. I would not be in pain, and I can just forget about someone who is never gonna forgive me.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: struggles - 1/2/2012 8:42:00 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


If he wants you out of his life, then he no longer gets transparency from you. He can't have it both ways.

The reason why I haven't changed my passwords is because I've decided, I've got nothing to hide from him in this collarme account, or emails that I correspond with fellow bdsm folks. It took me a long long while for me to feel 100% comfortable with him looking through all my private conversations and internal feelings I have when I am pouring out honestly to someone else. But at this point, I don't care, and have reach the state where, I am serious about us, and he can read everything and if after seeing everything, his decision is to finish this for good, then I will have no choice but to be  forced to accept it.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: struggles - 1/2/2012 9:24:47 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		you both fucked up from the very moment you were even just chatting with him and rushing into meeting.

The problem is neither of you know each other at all.

I'm not saying break up with him but what I am saying is move out, on your own, get your own place, don't be owned or collared by him...just be two people, two normal everyday people, date, get to know each other...start over again and do it right this time.

If you both can't do that then you're screwed and not in a good way.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 12:14:12 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		There is something about the dynamic of him punishing and you accepting it that is ok with the two of you and it also works for you both on some level or the two of you wouldn't have made it to two years of being together. His boundaries with it are wider than yours however, and you're reaching the end point where you can take it, while he is still interested in punishing you because it still fulfills him. I can't really see a happy ending here.

You can keep being a martyr and stick around for more of the same or leave. It's clear that he's not interested in ever changing to accept you asking for forgiveness and then forgiving you. I couldn't live with that hanging over my head as a constant reminder of my mistake. You say you've forgiven his mistakes, but he hasn't forgiven yours and doesn't even seem as though he wants to.

Loving someone isn't a cure-all for a bad relationship, and saying you'll stick around till you can't take it anymore is martyrdom. Why choose misery? If you know it's going to end at some point because you can see that he's not ever going to change, then why not take what's left of your self-esteem and positive outlook on life and get out now so you can get some upward momentum going on here for yourself? You are obviously struggling with this and have come here to the boards to ask questions and gather information on things that trouble you. If you are so troubled and unhappy why the hell are you staying with something that destroys you? Loving someone is not irreplaceable...there will be another person you can and will love. Love is not some noble ideal that people should sacrifice themselves for, love is something, in my opinion, that should uplift the person who finds it and make their life better...not worse. Trust me, there IS someone else out there that you can and will love.

What you've got going on here is a sick dynamic in a sick relationship and it's not going to change - it's not changed so far and he's not interested in changing. You're the one going to the counselor, and he keeps perpetuating the things that bother you. The only thing you can do with it is choose to stay or leave. Staying will mean that you need to accept his constant and continual punishment. If you want to live with the soul-deadening reality of always being at fault, then by all means stay with the man. So if you stay and get married and then have kids do you want them to be raised in the toxic environment that you are in with this man? Do you want your children to know that Dad punishes Mom continually and have them model that in their own lives? Sure, it's a stretch to imagine, but children do generally come about in a marriage, and you've said in past threads that his intention for you is marriage. It seems that you're enough of a martyr to actually marry the guy- if you do the children scenario isn't so far fetched then is it? Get out now, find yourself a healthy relationship and a future that you can look forward to instead of wondering how long you can take what is happening to you now.

< Message edited by lizi -- 1/3/2012 12:18:02 AM >

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:19:27 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		Lizi, I appreciate you taking the time to write a thoughtful reply.
I think..., yes I feel guilty. When he told me he loved me, I've already done those things, which I can never erase. I never really believed he would love me, at the point where I did those things, I never believed me and him had any real future together, I thought I was nothing to him, just a body he uses, and exclusivity is all about HIV. Because I feel guilty, I tolerate alot of his bad behaviour more than I ever did with any man in my life. I tell myself I broke his trust, and he is going through a hard time and I had to be more understanding constantly about it. And he feeds on it, telling me I'm never sorry enough, that I barely had any consequences, and he wants to make sure I get consequences so I can truly feel bad about what I did.
And I feel guilty his behaving this way, and I blame myself for what I did that caused him to behave this way towards me. In another post, where I wanted to show him hurting my self-esteem in play is not okay. But I believe it's just another of his way of punishing me for the past.



< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/3/2012 8:21:07 AM >

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:53:11 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75


i agreed, but had no intention of keeping my word. I just wanted to play with him again.
So, you lied right from the get go.

quote:

I BDSM between us has turned into him punishing me for my sins constantly.

Perhaps it was doomed from the start like this. I start beginning to be unable to take  pain. Before, when he hits me, he always marked me, I would be very bruised but big smiles and great satisfaction  out of it, I enjoyed the pain, but that was when we were both doing it for fun. When his beating me becomes punishment instead of just mutual joy, his not even left a single mark on me and the pain became excruciating for me. I can't enjoy bdsm as a punishment. And he claims it's not punishment, and it's all psychological with me now, I always think his punishing me.
Could be your guilt coming through or it could be his anger coming through. Hard to tell.

quote:

But ever since he told me he loved me, I never ever met anybody else from online again. And have been faithful ever since. It's been more than 2 yrs since he told me he loved me.


quote:

But one thing he wanted me to do was stop chatting too.
This kind of sends up a red flag. Although, there's a difference between chatting and flirting. Which are you engaging in?



quote:

I know most people say, it's too hard, just walk away and move on.
I don't believe in walking away easily, but there are so many issues in this relationship for BOTH OF YOU, that it's going to take some serious effort. Start by being honest with each other.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:54:43 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I am seeing a counsellor, but it's a vanilla counsellor, I could not tell her the extent of going ons. How will she understand?


My counselor was vanilla when we met but open and kink-aware by the time we were done.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 4:05:19 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

So, you lied right from the get go.

I was commited to keep this promise until 2 weeks later when he broke a hard limit, which was nude pictures. Not only did he break it, he gave me another ultimatum again, that nude pictures or it's over. I decided since he did not keep his word, then I will not keep my word. I know two wrongs don't make one right but I wish he would share the responsibility of the problems between us, and not lay 100% blame at my door.

quote:

This kind of sends up a red flag. Although, there's a difference between chatting and flirting. Which are you engaging in?

Chatting usually involves simply exchanging views on what we're into in BDSM. I don't flirt and I'm not a flirty person, I am actually very serious and only interested in serious discussion. But he says the only reason why anybody is chatting with me is because they wanna steal me off him, and they can be manipulative, so he said, eventually one of em will successfully convince me to play with them behind his back, that's his fear.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/3/2012 4:07:11 PM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 4:12:27 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		well being you slept around on him, I'd say he has every right to be suspicious.

Look it's simple...you either work it out with him or you leave him. Your choice.

But to be honest it sounds like neither of you are compatible since neither of you bothered to even learn about each other.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 4:19:50 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		All I've read so far is blah blah blah, I cheated - blah blah blah, he betrayed a hard limit - blah blah blah, I want to justify my behavior, blah blah blah, I want him to stop justifying his behavior- blah blah blah.

So, my response is blah blah blah...meh...hmph....blah.  This should just about clear things up for you.

WinD

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 4:26:53 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I was commited to keep this promise until 2 weeks later when he broke a hard limit, which was nude pictures. Not only did he break it, he gave me another ultimatum again, that nude pictures or it's over. I decided since he did not keep his word, then I will not keep my word. I know two wrongs don't make one right but I wish he would share the responsibility of the problems between us, and not lay 100% blame at my door.


He didnt break a hard limit, he gave you a choice. Him or the pictures. You could have always said "bye". You agreed. True, it was a shitty way of him doing it... but you did agree.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 4:53:08 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Wow....this is one majorly fucked up relationship. Neither of you are behaving like adults.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 4:53:17 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		This is the same guy you said this about?

quote:


Yea, the thing is, I do enjoy humiliation, and can take alot of verbal abuse and humiliation, but...., I think, because I enjoy it, it was alot of fun at first, as time goes by, it becomes less enjoyable for him, then he starts want to focus on areas where his getting genuine humiliation out of me. There lies the issue. And anyway, things are not straightforward when emotions are involved. The other thing is, or it could be coincidence that the things he enjoys more are stuffs I genuinely feel humiliated about. But I really posted this for him to see what other doms think, because in his opinion, he believes that humiliations is suppose to hurt self-esteem, that's the point of humiliation.

 
Sounds to me like this relationship was doomed from the start.  First, you outright lie to him in the hopes of continuing to play with him, you break your promise on the assumption he isn't exclusive (although I saw nothing saying you asked him if he would be).  You move in together and have very different ideas on self esteem, humiliation and BDSM; the things you post in the other thread make him appear very abusive.

Now you are saying he asked you to move out, he can't accept you, but because he doesn't tell you he no longer loves you, you can't move on?  Seems like he did damage your self esteem over the last two years and a vanilla therapist is a very good place for you to start rebuilding that. 

Or you are completely making stuff up.  Either way, you are posting things that are very contradictory.


(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 5:12:46 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


He didnt break a hard limit, he gave you a choice. Him or the pictures. You could have always said "bye". You agreed. True, it was a shitty way of him doing it... but you did agree.

He broke it by taking the pictures first, and I was in shock that he just did that. And then later getting angry at me for getting mad at him for taking the pictures and told me if he can't take pictures, I can leave.
He did break it.
I couldn't have said bye at that time. Saying bye is easy when there is no emotional attachment. So at that point, saying bye was not easy, and I did not manage to say bye.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/3/2012 5:22:26 PM >

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 5:17:05 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


Or you are completely making stuff up.  Either way, you are posting things that are very contradictory.

I don't see anything that is contradicting. The condition to moving back in now is if I would be willing to play with other dom/sub couples with him and as well as him introducing another sub into our play. Public display is another thing I must agree to. That's why I am kicked out, cuz his always bulldozing me into agreeing things I am uncomfortable about and this time I am not budging on those things as I just really can't do it. And that's why I am out. And am sad that our entire relationship is filled with ultimatums from day one.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/3/2012 5:19:32 PM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 5:20:50 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:


He didnt break a hard limit, he gave you a choice. Him or the pictures. You could have always said "bye". You agreed. True, it was a shitty way of him doing it... but you did agree.

He broke it by taking the pictures first, and I was in shock that he just did that. And then later getting angry at me for getting mad at him for taking the pictures and told me if he can't take pictures, I can leave.
He did break it.



If someone broke a hard limit of mine, I would walk. You didnt. Couldnt have been too hard of a limit.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 5:31:24 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


If someone broke a hard limit of mine, I would walk. You didnt. Couldnt have been too hard of a limit.

Because I trust him not to abuse the pictures, if I did not trust him, I guess I not only would have walked, I would have reported him to the authorities to protect myself, as nude pictures is no joke, could ruin my entire life if he uses it blackmail or fuck me over if he was the real life sadistic sort.

But it hurts my self-esteem, I think lowly of myself allowing him to have those pictures. And I justified it to myself that, relationship is about give and take, he said this is really one of his major kinks, so I let him have it. But he stop enjoying taking those pictures eventually because I can't relax, I get so tensed up and unhappy when his doing it. I really hate doing it. I'm just doing it cuz he wants it. And it's gonna be exactly the same if he brought another girl in, I'd be all tense and mad at him about it, gritting my teeth. I try to give what I'm not into but I can't do it perfectly.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 5:49:15 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		And I stand by what I said in your other post.  If someone believes that lowering your self esteem is part of BDSM, that is bordering (and I believe that is an understatement) on abuse.

Why would you want to be with someone who isn't compatible with you and makes you uncomfortable on a regular basis because he thinks it is a "good thing?"  Perhaps enjoyable for him, but not good, or healthy for you. 

Consider yourself lucky he "threw you out."  Use the vanilla counselor to help you get your self esteem back and move on with your life.  Nothing is ever going to improve with this guy, based on the information you have given. 

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 6:09:23 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		About your therapist. He/she may very well be kink aware. It's unusual in this day and age to find someone who is not knowledgeable about alternative sexuality. They haven't mentioned it because you haven't said that it matters to you. Ask them. They're not going to call anyone and out you. Either they will feel capable of still being your therapist or they'll recommend someone more knowledgeable.

However, kink isn't something that is causing this relationship to fail. Unreal expectations, unrealistic demands, lies and betrayals and constant hurting the other person go on in vanilla relationships also.

As far as why you should change your passwords, it's to protect yourself. Hasn't it occurred to you yet that he could use your profile to solicit people to harm you? He could set it up easily so that you would think he was entering your place when instead it's some stranger he's gotten to believe you want a no strings encounter with extreme brutality. Or some ten strangers.

Considering he doesn't respect your limits or appear to care if he causes you real harm, it might well not bother him to set up such a scenario. Especially as he thinks he is entitled to do whatever he wants to you, no matter the cost, as long as he gets revenge on you for what he perceives to be deserving of such treatment.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 40
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