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RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 6:12:05 PM   
angelikaJ


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Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:


Or you are completely making stuff up.  Either way, you are posting things that are very contradictory.

I don't see anything that is contradicting. The condition to moving back in now is if I would be willing to play with other dom/sub couples with him and as well as him introducing another sub into our play. Public display is another thing I must agree to. That's why I am kicked out, cuz his always bulldozing me into agreeing things I am uncomfortable about and this time I am not budging on those things as I just really can't do it. And that's why I am out. And am sad that our entire relationship is filled with ultimatums from day one.



Then unchoose: don't accept any more ultimatums as part of your relationship.
To go against something that is in line with violation is soul murdering.

Take what you have learned, spend some time on your own and then go forth.

Don't jump into another relationship until you are sure of what you want and are unwilling to compromise yourself.
Compromise is important in relationships but there are somethings that should not be movable unless you are willing to move them of your own volition.

Love is wonderful, but if words and actions don't match, it likely isn't love.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 6:23:17 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:


About your therapist. He/she may very well be kink aware.

My gut on my therapist, she's female, is that, she is quite conservative. It may not be unusual in the US or UK or even Australia, but where I am in..., it's still a very conservative society, where homosexuality is illegal, don't even talk about kink. I'm afraid I will be confined to a mental institution for self-harm or something if I told my counselor.
quote:

As far as why you should change your passwords, it's to protect yourself. Hasn't it occurred to you yet that he could use your profile to solicit people to harm you? He could set it up easily so that you would think he was entering your place when instead it's some stranger he's gotten to believe you want a no strings encounter with extreme brutality. Or some ten strangers.

I have been with this man as close to a 24/7 basis for 2 years. The only time we don't see each other is if we are at work. One thing he is opposed to is causing any kind of physical harm, and he is religious about that. Emotional harm is something he cannot grasp. He doesn't see it as hurting a person as long as his not hurting the person physically. He also has keys into my place. I trust him 110% on my physical welfare. I thank you for those concerns, and I know they are very real, I knew someone whom I trusted who would have been capable of doing that to me in the past and nearly had.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 6:24:11 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR

Greta. it seems to me you are trying to convince yourself to stay and trying to get us to talk you into it.

My Master knows what my hard and soft limits are. The soft ones he reads me on how hard to push, the hard ones he doesn't touch. Period.

If nude photos were a hard limit for me, my Master wouldn't pick up the camera once I was naked. He loves me and doesn't want to harm me. He can't play with his toy (me) if he breaks it (and breaking me isn't just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well). If he were to push my hard limits, that would be a sign that he no longer respected or loved me and would affect my ability to submit to him.


(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 6:28:48 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		Greta, letting go is never easy. You are grieving and when we do that, we tend to look at what we consider were the good things and try to figure out how to get that back. But here is a fact, as I believe it: Love does not conquer all.

It seems you guys were in a vicious cycle of distrust and broken limits. If i was the one that was told to move out, i would see it as over, not punishment. And then to be told if i wanted to come back, there would be changes that i know would not work out..... i couldn't do it.

Him telling you to leave may be the best thing that ever happened to you guys. Grieve. Breath. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. And look forward. You can't move forward when you are always looking back.....you just keep running into more crap.

It's a new year....ease your mind and your heart. Go find yourself again because you sound like you lost you along the way somewhere. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 6:34:16 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:


He didnt break a hard limit, he gave you a choice. Him or the pictures. You could have always said "bye". You agreed. True, it was a shitty way of him doing it... but you did agree.

He broke it by taking the pictures first, and I was in shock that he just did that. And then later getting angry at me for getting mad at him for taking the pictures and told me if he can't take pictures, I can leave.
He did break it.
I couldn't have said bye at that time. Saying bye is easy when there is no emotional attachment. So at that point, saying bye was not easy, and I did not manage to say bye.



From your original post it seems you guys didn't really discuss limits, you just jumped into playing. Did he KNOW that nude photos were a hard limit? When did you have that discussion? After he took the photos or before?

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 6:37:42 PM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:


Greta. it seems to me you are trying to convince yourself to stay and trying to get us to talk you into it.

I am talking here because it's been so difficult. My vanilla friends have all met him, and we do alot of vanilla things together with them and they're all asking me what's wrong, what's so bad that cannot be mended. He told my vanilla friends the he loved me very much and could see his whole life with me privately, without me present there, and of course that made them totally thrilled with him and are rooting for us to get back to together. But I can't really tell them the truth of what's going on. It is lonely in the bdsm world, so I am talking here.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/3/2012 6:39:23 PM >

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 6:50:03 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:


From your original post it seems you guys didn't really discuss limits, you just jumped into playing. Did he KNOW that nude photos were a hard limit? When did you have that discussion? After he took the photos or before?

Yes, he never told me he was into nude photos until he took it. I never knew or thought he could be into nude photos. So it was a shock when he did it. I dunno why he thinks I would be okay with nude photos. We did not discuss it, but it was hurting that it was instantly used as an ultimatum, again. It was bad start.

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 7:06:27 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:


Then unchoose: don't accept any more ultimatums as part of your relationship.
To go against something that is in line with violation is soul murdering.

I will have to work on achieving this.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 7:29:06 PM   
Ishtarr


Posts: 1130
Joined: 4/30/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

I don't know him well enough then to know if he is capable of commitment towards me. Besides, won't any of you think it's incredulous if someone asked you for exclusivity from day on he met you, and this is after only knowing each other for only 48 hours? Or is this suppose to normal? And it just seem abnormal to me. For commitment to me usually involves taking the time to know each other better before making that commitment.



I consider that normal.
I grew up and Belgium and it's considered normal there, and as far as I know, in the rest of Western Europe also.

Couples don't ask for "exclusivity" in Belgium.
Exclusivity is implied and assumed by the fact that you're steadily dating somebody.
When a relationship is not exclusive, and it's fuckbuddies or one-night-stand only, that is which is specified and exclusivity is assumed otherwise.

Moving to the USA, I was shocked to learn that here, it's reverse, and dating does not imply exclusivity unless otherwise, literally agreed and specified.

However, none of that really matters in your case, because in your case, exclusivity was agreed upon from the start. You lied to him.
You made a commitment you had no intention of keeping.
What is or isn't "normal" when it comes to exclusivity is irrelevant to you, because you broke your word.

Unless you consider making false promises to people you date to be normal, in which case, you deserve whatever you're getting and are unhappy about.


_____________________________


Du blutest für mein Seelenheil
Ein kleiner Schnitt und du wirst geil
Egal, erlaubt ist, was gefällt

Ich tu' dir weh.
Tut mir nicht Leid!
Das tut dir gut.
Hör wie es schreit!

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 7:42:29 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Greta, I have to say that nothing you have ever written about this relationship in any thread that you've joined in on seems happy, uplifting, or beautiful. Everything you've ever said about being with this man has a current of sorrow running through it; it's like a one of those dreary movies about surviving somewhere in wartime, filmed in black and white, where people never have enough to eat, and it's always freaking raining. I keep wondering why you feel so compelled to stay?

I know that you have the vanilla life and activities going on, but what is telling to me is your bleakness about the whole thing. You mention the activities and the friends, but they seem to take second place to how miserable you are with him forcing the punishment scenario on you over and over. Good God, if someone made me feel that badly about myself I'd find the strength somehow to forge a life without them and finally get some happiness going for myself. Take this opportunity to get rid of this man, he's shown you exactly what life with him will be like, you would be stupid not to pay attention to what he has shown you.

Who cares about what to tell your friends and that they're rooting for you! Think of something they will understand and that will make them leave you alone about it and tell them that, who cares what it is exactly6? Tell them you made some mistakes early on in your relationship with talking to other men, and he didn't like it, and chooses to be cruel to you about it, and you can't take it anymore, end of story.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:09:05 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


Unless you consider making false promises to people you date to be normal, in which case, you deserve whatever you're getting and are unhappy about.

We were not dating though. It was not a date. It was suppose to just be a mutually consensual one night stand, until we both enjoyed it, but he'd like to continue this sexual relationship with the condition that he is exclusive. And the reason why he wanted exclusivity was just because he wanted to be able to stop using condoms. That was the only reason. There was no romance building up at the start, it was just a mutual sexual arrangement.
Does that make him my boyfriend? No it doesn't. It just means, he wants to be my fuck buddy but don't want me fucking anybody else. No I don't do this to people I date. But we were not dating.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/3/2012 8:24:11 PM >

(in reply to Ishtarr)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:14:15 PM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:


I keep wondering why you feel so compelled to stay?

Because I enjoy bdsm with him and I can 100% trust him to take care of my physical well-being. All he lacks is the emotional part. Because I want bdsm in my life but lurking around Singapore collar me are alot of fake doms who are in it for real non consensual rape and physical batter, who blackmail women, and lots of these women hide in fear and never report them. It is very dangerous scene out here, and he is the safest bdsm person I know that I feel safe with.
quote:

I know that you have the vanilla life and activities going on

Vanilla life is vanilla life, it's a place where I am someone else and not myself.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:24:33 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:


However, none of that really matters in your case, because in your case, exclusivity was agreed upon from the start. You lied to him.
You made a commitment you had no intention of keeping.
What is or isn't "normal" when it comes to exclusivity is irrelevant to you, because you broke your word.



Yes, this is messed up, no doubt. But my question would be "when" did he find out? IMO if he knew this before moving in together, he needed to forgive her and let it go. If he decided to move forward with the relationship after finding out, he has the responsibility of forgiving and to not hold it against her for the rest of their relationship or as an excuse to push hard limits. People screw up and people forgive.

But, truthfully, i'm thinking he found out after this point. Maybe the OP will tell us.


_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to Ishtarr)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:26:48 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:


I keep wondering why you feel so compelled to stay?

Because I enjoy bdsm with him and I can 100% trust him to take care of my physical well-being. All he lacks is the emotional part. Because I want bdsm in my life but lurking around Singapore collar me are alot of fake doms who are in it for real non consensual rape and physical batter, who blackmail women, and lots of these women hide in fear and never report them. It is very dangerous scene out here, and he is the safest bdsm person I know that I feel safe with.
quote:

I know that you have the vanilla life and activities going on

Vanilla life is vanilla life, it's a place where I am someone else and not myself.



Sounds like you are allowing yourself to be ruled by your pussy. People never make wise choices when their genitalia are making their decisions for them.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:30:13 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


Yes, this is messed up, no doubt. But my question would be "when" did he find out? IMO if he knew this before moving in together, he needed to forgive her and let it go. If he decided to move forward with the relationship after finding out, he has the responsibility of forgiving and to not hold it against her for the rest of their relationship or as an excuse to push hard limits. People screw up and people forgive.
But, truthfully, i'm thinking he found out after this point. Maybe the OP will tell us.

When he told me he loved me, I confessed to him some but not everything. Later he found out more by going through all my smses. We were not living together yet. The move in happened after all this mess. When I asked him how everything is so fucked up now, how will he forgive me? And he said, the only way is to just move forward and focus on what's good between us and it will take time. So we continued, we started living together, and tried and tried and tried.

(in reply to anniezz338)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:41:03 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
he asked me for exclusivity from day one and he said if i don't agree to it, then he won't see me again.

this was where i fucked up.

i agreed, but had no intention of keeping my word. I just wanted to play with him again.

Anyway, obviously when he found out, he was livid. BDSM between us has turned into him punishing me for my sins constantly.

Perhaps it was doomed from the start like this.


I only read the OP and you'll please forgive me if I seem harsh but you promised something that you admit you weren't prepared to deliver from the very start. You not only were dishonest but your dishonesty took away his right to make an informed decision about whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship with you.

You stole from him - you stole his time which is our most precious resource because it can never be replaced and, even as you post this, I don't get the feeling that you are truly remorseful. You seem to be full of self pity that the relationship is no longer serving you but you seem to be okay with lying from the outset.

This relationship was doomed to fail. I am having a bit of trouble with your use of the word "perhaps".

The best suggestion I can give you is to get out, any way you can and take some time for yourself. Examin who you are and who you want to be. Then, when you meet another guy, make sure you are open and honest with him (even the fact that you were dishonest in the recent past). It may take you some time to find what you want but, at least the time you'll be burning will be yours to burn and not someone else's.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:44:55 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

Greta, I have to say that nothing you have ever written about this relationship in any thread that you've joined in on seems happy, uplifting, or beautiful. Everything you've ever said about being with this man has a current of sorrow running through it; it's like a one of those dreary movies about surviving somewhere in wartime, filmed in black and white, where people never have enough to eat, and it's always freaking raining. I keep wondering why you feel so compelled to stay?

I know that you have the vanilla life and activities going on, but what is telling to me is your bleakness about the whole thing. You mention the activities and the friends, but they seem to take second place to how miserable you are with him forcing the punishment scenario on you over and over. Good God, if someone made me feel that badly about myself I'd find the strength somehow to forge a life without them and finally get some happiness going for myself. Take this opportunity to get rid of this man, he's shown you exactly what life with him will be like, you would be stupid not to pay attention to what he has shown you.

Who cares about what to tell your friends and that they're rooting for you! Think of something they will understand and that will make them leave you alone about it and tell them that, who cares what it is exactly6? Tell them you made some mistakes early on in your relationship with talking to other men, and he didn't like it, and chooses to be cruel to you about it, and you can't take it anymore, end of story.



Then Greta, lizi summed it up well. I'd read this a couple of times if i were you.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 8:46:32 PM   
Ishtarr


Posts: 1130
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:


Unless you consider making false promises to people you date to be normal, in which case, you deserve whatever you're getting and are unhappy about.

We were not dating though. It was not a date. It was suppose to just be a mutually consensual one night stand, until we both enjoyed it, but he'd like to continue this sexual relationship with the condition that he is exclusive. And the reason why he wanted exclusivity was just because he wanted to be able to stop using condoms. That was the only reason. There was no romance building up at the start, it was just a mutual sexual arrangement.
Does that make him my boyfriend? No it doesn't. It just means, he wants to be my fuck buddy but don't want me fucking anybody else. No I don't do this to people I date. But we were not dating.


Even worse.
That means no only did you break the promises you made him. A promises that you didn't have to make at all.
You also put his life at risk by sleeping around when you promised to be exclusive with the EXPRESSED PURPOSE of being able to have sex without condoms.

You knew he was counting on you to be faithful because you had given him your word that you would be and you lied and allowed him to engage in dangerous sexual behavior, not only while withholding information from him, but while DELIBERATELY giving him false information, making sure he couldn't make the right decision and protect himself.

You deserve the misery you made for yourself.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

Because I enjoy bdsm with him and I can 100% trust him to take care of my physical well-being.


HE obviously can't say that he can trust you 100% to take care of HIS physical well-being.
In fact, he can say 100% that you will lie and deceit him while actively jeopardizing his physical well-being.

You absolutely 100% selfish in everything you've told us about this relationship.
He was open, honest and told you from the start what he was offering and what he was expecting.

You lied to him and jeopardized his health out of purely selfish concerns. The only thing you where worried about was you, your playtime, your pussy, your opportunity to have BDSM interaction with him again.
You didn't give him squad in return, aside from a bunch of heartbreak, and a lot of wasted time.
Selfish, selfish, selfish... and yet, here you are, again complaining that it's not all about you enough...
Sounds to me like it's been ONLY about you from the start.





< Message edited by Ishtarr -- 1/3/2012 9:05:05 PM >

_____________________________


Du blutest für mein Seelenheil
Ein kleiner Schnitt und du wirst geil
Egal, erlaubt ist, was gefällt

Ich tu' dir weh.
Tut mir nicht Leid!
Das tut dir gut.
Hör wie es schreit!

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: struggles - 1/3/2012 9:03:29 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ishtarr


You lied to him and jeopardized his health out of purely selfish concerns. The only thing you where worried about was you, your playtime, your pussy, your opportunity to have BDSM interaction with him again.
You didn't give him squad in return, aside from a bunch of heartbreak, and a lot of wasted time.
Selfish, selfish, selfish... and yet, here you are, again complaining that it's not all about you enough...
Sounds to me like it's been ONLY about you from the start.


Brava!!!

(in reply to Ishtarr)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: struggles - 1/4/2012 3:17:25 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


You also put his life at risk by sleeping around when you promised to be exclusive with the EXPRESSED PURPOSE of being able to have sex without condoms.

Let's just be clear that he wanted sex without condoms, and not me.
quote:

You deserve the misery you made for yourself.

You and him would really get along.
quote:

You absolutely 100% selfish in everything you've told us about this relationship.

How am I 100% selfish if I was the only party constantly compromising in the end? If everything was only about me, then..., I wouldn't have compromised anything at all.
quote:

You didn't give him squad in return, aside from a bunch of heartbreak, and a lot of wasted time.

Not giving him squad in return means refusing to participate in his kinks that I'm not comfortable about isn't it? Which means, my only value to him is what I can do for him in bdsm? Is this how all you doms look at subs?

I do agree that my moral value is not straight. Because I thought he was just a player, I didn't take my commitment to him seriously. I didn't know him then, I didn't take him seriously. That's just me. You can't just ask a stranger you just met for loyalty, it has to be earned. I expect him to understand how I work, and that's just how I work.
The fact that I am inept on the bdsm department with this man, and he was able to stick around for so long, tells me, there got to be more than just bdsm he liked about me to waste so much of his time on someone so obviously lacking in the bdsm department.

As I said, our lives are more vanilla than bdsm together. I am happy that he has people on his side in here. I expected it. I tried to be fair and paint a balance view, and didn't want to go all out to paint myself as the good guy and him the bad guy, so I know he will appreciate what you said.


(in reply to Ishtarr)
Profile   Post #: 60
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