The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths.

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths.

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths.

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 7:18:00 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Often times those who are newer to this lifestyle will have a warped view of what they can expect to find here. I have to assume that there are some people out there who are spreading these myths.
"People in the lifestyle understand themselves better", "People in the lifestyle are more accepting.", etc., etc...

One of the most damaging that I see commonly is that somewhere there is a message being sent that people here, especially Dominants, have higher levels of morals, ethics, integrity and honesty.

New submissives are frequently told by Dominants about the importance of placing their trust in them....and of course because they have been told that Dominants are some superior species they blindly buy into that BS and the end result is often times disastrous.

I think that it is important that when we are speaking with someone who is new, that we need to convey to them that this lifestyle is not far removed from the rest of the world. Yes, the beaches may indeed be appealing but there are sharks in the water. No different than any other beach.

We are not proportionately more honest, more morally or ethically superior...or have more integrity than the rest of the world. Reality....I know....it sucks.....

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

Post #: 1

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 7:21:23 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

There really is nothing different within bdsm and Ms than there is in vanilla. The same BS is everywhere.

We are not more sure of ourselves. Our roles are NOT more clear (how often do you see subs asking if it's ok to do/feel/be something?). Doms are not more secure. Our relationships do not mean more.

For people who come into Ds or bdsm as an escape from the "other world" they've lived in, they will find no solace here.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 2

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 7:39:39 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

This is exactly why I ask people about their vanilla relationship patterns.

Captain Platitudes was the other name I considered taking.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 7:39:51 AM

NCSilverWolves

Posts: 123
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline

Damn....... and here I thought I had found heaven.. only to see it's still hell..... LOL

Nicely said Erin...as always.

< Message edited by NCSilverWolves -- 6/1/2006 7:40:27 AM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 7:40:55 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Preachin to the choir, sister. Preachin to the choir.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 5

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 7:53:41 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Often times those who are newer to this lifestyle will have a warped view of what they can expect to find here.

mistoferin:

All excellent points....

In my experience, I have found that this warped view of which you speak is more common to those already practicing bdsm and maybe they are influencing the newbies. So may bdsmers actually do believe that they are of a higher order. I also find that alot of the "educational" websites fill the newbies with these myths and romantisize what really amounts to nothing more than a relationship preference. But when we are green its very easy to see it all through rose-colored glasses.

Sadly alot of newbies will be taken in by doms who use Ds as a way to exploit the naivete of a submissive, and there will always be new submissives who learn this the hard way. Hell, I was one of them.

On a small tangent of that thought.....Its all too common to see bdsmers whine about being judged while they demean others for being 'vanilla'. They talk about this being about acceptance, then judge another's kink. They profess a deeper honesty, a higher form of love, a keener sense of self yada yada yada. We are all fundamentally the same. Good and bad in all lifestyles, genuine and disingenous, safe and unsafe etc etc. It's just common sense.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 6

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 7:54:54 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

There really is nothing different within bdsm and Ms than there is in vanilla. The same BS is everywhere.

We are not more sure of ourselves. Our roles are NOT more clear (how often do you see subs asking if it's ok to do/feel/be something?). Doms are not more secure. Our relationships do not mean more.

For people who come into Ds or bdsm as an escape from the "other world" they've lived in, they will find no solace here.

Well-said.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 7:58:09 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
It's just common sense.

Loved your post. Yes it is common sense and this lifestyle does not require you to leave it or your brain at the door to enter. If people keep both they will likely do OK.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 8

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 8:07:23 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

This is exactly why I ask people about their vanilla relationship patterns.

Captain Platitudes was the other name I considered taking.

CD... yer a hoot!

Yes, all good points here. No, we are not 'more' than our vanilla counterparts, nor better than, either.

Having said that...sometimes I wonder about the naiveté of some of the submissives who come here, however. Good lord, some of 'em don't exhibit the common sense the gods gave grasshoppers! For that reason, it seems likely that there ARE some who come here to prey...hunting on the 'dark side' could be better than in the light. So, it seems to me there may even be a higher percentage of those looking to take advantage of others. <shrugs> A shame, huh? I’d rather put my magic rose-colored glasses back on……………these have wipers I can use! heh heh heh

< Message edited by Bearlee -- 6/1/2006 8:09:12 AM >

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 9

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 8:10:16 AM

lisa1978

Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

I agree with everything said here. This is human behavior 101. Everyone wants to feel they belong and are better than other people. Obviously flaws in those two feelings put together but we humans are flawed creatures. Pride runs through us deeply.

So whether it is M/s, belonging to a certain religion, political views, favorite sports teams and many others, we like being part of a comunity and then tend to look down on other people who are not a part of it. Obviously most people do this with a level of class and perspective but there are always people of extremes.

Just because I find certain common aspects in regular relationships stupid and tough to deal with, does not make regular people stupid or for me to feel sorry for them because if they only knew how truly great M/s is. Just like many regular people would find M/s things that were stupid to them.

No one is better. We are just all different.

_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 10

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 8:15:50 AM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Often times those who are newer to this lifestyle will have a warped view of what they can expect to find here. I have to assume that there are some people out there who are spreading these myths.
"People in the lifestyle understand themselves better", "People in the lifestyle are more accepting.", etc., etc...

I'm warped?

Thanks!

I'm assuming you mean it in a GOOD way.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 11

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 8:26:28 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Often times those who are newer to this lifestyle will have a warped view of what they can expect to find here. I have to assume that there are some people out there who are spreading these myths.
"People in the lifestyle understand themselves better", "People in the lifestyle are more accepting.", etc., etc...

I'm warped?

Thanks!

I'm assuming you mean it in a GOOD way.

Dont feel to bad...I'm warped also...apparently.

Perhaps its that we hope that this Community is more accepting.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 12

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 8:30:56 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66
Perhaps its that we hope that this Community is more accepting.

Well it's a nice hope, and something we should strive towards, but the reality is that we aren't.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MistressSassy66)

Post #: 13

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 8:36:03 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Well, I'm not really sure how anyone could have been offended by that statement. I didn't say that anyone was warped. I said some possess a "warped view". There is a difference between "having" something and "being" something. I didn't imply that it was an intrinsic part of anyone's personality. I also didn't say "all the time" or "everyone".....I said "often times". Geesh!

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MistressSassy66)

Post #: 14

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 8:46:21 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Often times those who are newer to this lifestyle will have a warped view of what they can expect to find here. I have to assume that there are some people out there who are spreading these myths.
"People in the lifestyle understand themselves better", "People in the lifestyle are more accepting.", etc., etc...

I think a lot of this comes from how finding the scene has changed their own lives. I know for me, personally, it was like coming home and it explained so much about what I was feeling and who I really was. People take that experience and extrapolate it to the rest of the world. They think, "If this has made such an impact in my life, imagine if everyone could experience this breakthrough!" They don't realize that for some living a BDSM lifestyle would be like trying to live underwater. They imagine that because they have found the answers (for themselves) in the lifestyle, the lifestyle holds all the answers.

People are people...every lifestyle will have those who are more self-actualized and those who are less. We have our freaks and our criminals...just like everyone else. Yet, for those who really belong, there is no place like home.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 15

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 8:48:37 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Well, I'm not really sure how anyone could have been offended by that statement. I didn't say that anyone was warped. I said some possess a "warped view". There is a difference between "having" something and "being" something. I didn't imply that it was an intrinsic part of anyone's personality. I also didn't say "all the time" or "everyone".....I said "often times". Geesh!

I guess I should have added that LOL afterall.
Warped is GOOD.

LA,I realize that.
All I can say is Oh well and I'm glad I do know people who are accepting.Some are from here some are from other sites and some are vanilla friends.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 16

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 9:06:00 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

There was a study/survey recently here, reported in our newspapers, that people made friends and *bonded* more with what/who they jointly DISLIKED, rather than shared likes...*uniting against the common enemy*. I have no idea how much weight to add to the report.... ( There are so many daft surveys and studies that tell us things we already know...lol) ....but I've seen it in action many times.
It's a way of elevating yourself, in some way.
I've never been part of any *lifestyle* other than my own and that's tough enough....lol

agirl

(in reply to lisa1978)

Post #: 17

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 9:08:45 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

The only real difference I see is that by and large we embrace and are aware of the authority and power issues that are just part of being a human being.

Beyond that it is a matter of how well you fit into the ideals we toss around and see tossed around.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 18

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 9:26:42 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

I find that what we are discussing here can bee found throughout the entire spectrum of himanbehaviour with eacg sector or group having a stronger emphasis or focus on different aspects. Gorean Lifstyle folk (of which I am proudly one), will place a higher expectation on honour, interrety, lotalty and duty as well as courage and selfreliance (especially for the Gorean males) and do believe in the "Batural Order". However in trueth, there are as many flakes, sharletons, users and abusers there as there are elswhere. I also find that each group of people have wonderfull aspects from which to learn, wonderfull adherents with whom to forge friendships and many wonderfull people who are genuine and strive to hold to their ideals and who will make reasonable attempts to help those new to their life.... "Life is like a Pork Chop.. It will either make you violently ill or you will enjoy it.. The choice is yours!"

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 19

RE: The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths. - 6/1/2006 9:46:58 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
Often times those who are newer to this lifestyle will have a warped view of what they can expect to find here. I have to assume that there are some people out there who are spreading these myths.
"People in the lifestyle understand themselves better", "People in the lifestyle are more accepting.", etc., etc...
One of the most damaging that I see commonly is that somewhere there is a message being sent that people here, especially Dominants, have higher levels of morals, ethics, integrity and honesty.
New submissives are frequently told by Dominants about the importance of placing their trust in them....and of course because they have been told that Dominants are some superior species they blindly buy into that BS and the end result is often times disastrous.

The people who portray BDSM as utopia are getting some kind of reward from doing so. They are making money on a pay site, royalties off a book, getting a bigger hand full of partners to play with, more people kneeling at their feet, more orgasms, more clients, a more inflated ego, more attention, more ... something.
It only works because there are morons out there who are buying the BS they’re selling.
So long as they have the consumers, they’re going to continue to market their shit.

I don’t even see it as damaging, nor do I care about the outcome of their interaction. If one person wants to spout bullshit at a price, and the other wants to buy the bullshit, who the hell am I to butt into their deal? If the one buying into the bullshit gets hurt and learns a valuable lesson, I’m of the opinion "It’s about damn time you learned that lesson. The rest of the world figured it out when we were 12."

The longer I stick around in the BDSM "community", the more cold-hearted and callous I become toward idiots. I used to value educating newcomers, but nowadays I'm more along the lines of "whatever". If you want to live in a fantasy-laden world where you believe total strangers, waste your time/money on scams, and buy into bullshit, why should I try to veer you otherwise? I just lack patience for anyone over 8 years old that’s that naïve. I don’t even see it as naïveté anymore. I just see it as flat out stupidity. On a good day I can see it as "one wanker to another".
Naivete, stupidity, wankerism…
I really have no inclination to spend any time on any of it.
If someone didn't get a clue in life before they walked through the BDSM gateway, they're probably not going to get a clue once they get here.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> The Lifestyle is.....and other pervasive myths.

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.092