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Freaked out - 2/12/2012 3:58:22 PM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		I need some advice, or some thoughts because I am kind of freaked out right now.

I met a dominant who had a wife, we met two times going to coffee (all of which I was early for). Everything started out fine, the wife seemed to be not sure about things at all, her husband kept D/s from her. He was starting to tell her.
I really liked his dominant style, but eventually something upset him. Sometimes, I was stupid and wrote "would of" instead of " would have" in text. He told me to change it, and I did, but SOME I missed on accident still, but my grammar was getting a lot better. A LOT better. When I made a mistake he would say " you are either careless or stupid, so which one is it?" He had to keep correcting it, which I know is bad, but I was trying, it's an automatic habit. This was the first red flag though because he was judging everything about me based off of my grammar. He would say " if you can't fix something simple like this, what else can't you do?" I know little things show a lot, but I think other stuff shows a lot also. I worked my whole entire schedule around to get my STD tests in, I went the day he asked me, to ME that shows a lot also. I was on top of things. He kept telling me he wanted me in his life a very long time, he wanted poly. I believed him.

Well, I was going to his house yesterday finally him and his wife and i were all going to just hang out. Well, he was mad at me about the grammar again, he was implying I was dumb, which upsets me he was telling me I had to prove to them I'm not. (Which is dumb because I'm doing a lot in school and the internship I have I could not get if I was dumb). So I was flustered (I was already nervous), and I forgot the papers. I was half way there and told him I forgot them, at first he said we are going to have to reschedule, that I was acting like I really don't want this . I wasn't late to ANY of the coffee dates at all. I told him i am usually never late... and because of the grammar and this he goes " you keep telling us you aren't like this yet that is what you are showing." Anyway, he decides to let me come. We just play pool, it goes well. Then he goes and talks to his wife, he comes out and talks to me, and he says " i want you and her to play together, do you want to?" I'm like... I don't know I feel nervous , i said i'd have to get alcohol to give me that extra push. Well, we ended up drinking, and everything was going great. He told me to play with her... so I did.

Well, when I was fingering her, she started to bleed. I felt really badly, but I don't understand because I've fingered many girls like I did her and they didn't bleed. Anyway, I thought it was still a good night, they were acting like it, they kept going, and I felt bad and wanted to stop. But, also, she was really drunk, and so was I .

Anyway, I leave that morning, I never receive a text. I finally say to tell me even if there is something wrong. He goes " yeah it's not going to work, we feel that where we need you to be would take too much time and we are in the process of moving and it's just too much, we don't have that time. And, my wife is still bleeding, we got her a doctors appointment for tomorrow."

I feel kind of violated, I trusted him, I did what he asked, I played with her.. I feel really badly, I did NOT mean to hurt her. But, I opened myself to him.

Did I do something wrong? Is there a reason I should be feeling so uncomfortable? I feel like if you decide to play with someone, something might happen, you consent to that. Also with drinking you don't know what could happen. He always told me he was smarter than me and more educated, but his thought process isn't very sharp? Why try to get two people to play together the first night we really hang out ? Should of said no to me asking for alcohol, and stuff like that happens, that doesn't mean i'm a bad person.

Can you please tell me your thoughts? As dominants? I feel bad, but I did what he said. And he was really mad I was 20 minutes late, but I was flustered and nervous. I feel they didn't even give me a chance, or was I the one, who really messed it up? Would you guys judge me off of this stuff too?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:02:20 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		You guys aren't right for each other. Everyone has the right to change their mind, and fairness is irrelevant. Learn from it, move on, and don't be hard on yourself. It's just one of those things.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:04:55 PM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		I'm just freaking out because he knows my whole name..


and he knows a lot about me..


:/

(in reply to Baroana)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:07:26 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		What are you concerned about? Have they threatened you?

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
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RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:10:04 PM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		No....

but he's kind of manipulative.

There is something about him i really don't trust...like REALLY don't trust. I have a REALLY bad feeling.

(in reply to Baroana)
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RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:11:45 PM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		I'm just really freaked out about the whole entire situation ..:/

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
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RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:12:48 PM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		My take on the situation, from what I read, is that he was manipulating you into a place where you wouldn't be right no matter what you did. No dominant worth his salt would call you stupid or treat you in that manner.

Everyone takes time to learn what is expected of them and in this instance it sounds like a good case of sub frenzy. You wanted to please him so much you were willing to do whatever he asked of you, even if it meant drinking alcohol to do so.

Chalk it up to a lesson learned. Next time if you are feeling pressured and not treated as you feel you deserve, kick him to the curb until you find the one you are compatible with.



_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
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RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:16:12 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		He probably has more to be worried about than you. He's got a wife, a reputation, and so on. Unless you get a threat, I suggest not worrying yourself over it.

(in reply to MsLadySue)
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RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:18:37 PM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		Ok, hopefully i am being just paranoid. Just hard for me to have someone know so much about me... freaky.



And, i am hurt, but am trying to just move on and think positively.

(in reply to Baroana)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:20:39 PM   
AndreSanThomas


Posts: 21
Joined: 1/4/2012
Status: offline 		I would also say just not a good fit. You came off to him like you didn't really care and pay attention to details (being on time, the grammar thing, forgetting the paperwork). He comes off to you as nit-picky. Both are probably valid and they just don't mesh.

I recommend spending more time getting a feel for each other before you schedule in person play dates. And I'd stay away from a guy whose wife isn't on board yet. She should be on board before he even starts talking to you. Otherwise, I'd say you're doomed to have problems of one sort or another.

_____________________________

Andre'
andresanthomas.blogspot.com
Explicit romances of lust and passion found at the feet of the master.

(in reply to MsLadySue)
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RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:21:00 PM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		I think i'm just freaked out that I was so dumb. That i thought drinking would be a good idea when i had a gut feeling things weren't going to work.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
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RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:22:16 PM   
AndreSanThomas


Posts: 21
Joined: 1/4/2012
Status: offline 		Oh, and if you can't hang out together without needing a drink, that's your brain telling you that something's not right. This isn't the right guy, or things are going too fast or you're just not ready or something.

_____________________________

Andre'
andresanthomas.blogspot.com
Explicit romances of lust and passion found at the feet of the master.

(in reply to AndreSanThomas)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:22:59 PM   
lilmisssubmiss


Posts: 284
Joined: 9/29/2008
Status: offline 		Lol, no he said he wasn't interested this morning.

Because i am too much work. and she is still bleeding.

(in reply to AndreSanThomas)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:23:19 PM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		No need to continue freaking out. He would be stupid to make threats or do anything since you know where he lives. Nothing like walking the police to his door.

edited cause I don't type worth a damn.

< Message edited by MsLadySue -- 2/12/2012 4:24:09 PM >

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:28:24 PM   
strangedesire


Posts: 360
Joined: 12/23/2008
Status: offline 		Is your intelligence important to you? Then don't play/date/fuck people who call you stupid.

You seem incompatible, and he seems awkward and creepy. Find someone who won't obsess over your faults, and consider yourself lucky that this one hasn't tried to manipulate you further.


_____________________________

On that other site as Exegesis.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
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RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:30:11 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmisssubmiss

Can you please tell me your thoughts? As dominants? I feel bad, but I did what he said. And he was really mad I was 20 minutes late, but I was flustered and nervous. I feel they didn't even give me a chance, or was I the one, who really messed it up? Would you guys judge me off of this stuff too?

You didn't do anything wrong. You're NOT stupid. And this so-called "Dom" is an emotionally abusive prick.

Stay the fuck away from him.

K.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:30:30 PM   
MrBukani


Posts: 1920
Joined: 4/18/2010
Status: offline 		Yeah look at the positive side

Lessons learned:
1 dont give out your adress too fast
2 dont tell your last name too fast
3 Married men = problems a lot of the time
4 woman bleeds and is hospitilized
5 alcohol is a bad advisor and thins the blood
6 Trios can be uncomfortable
7 etc.

Seems like you went through a wild adventure.
Imagine you learned one thing each time pfff.
I would worry most about a possible STD perhaps.
Sorry couldnt let another one pass up.

(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:36:41 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		I'm sorry you had a bad experience. I hope you learn from it. I don't think you're stupid, but you might be naive.

For next time, please consider:
1. NO ONE should be drinking or using drugs before/during play sessions. That's just basic sense. All of you were guilty of this one.

2. You got tested and were willing to show them papers. Did they? DO NOT exchange fluids (even oral sex) with people whose long-term history you don't personally know. Even with tests in hand, I'd use barriers until I was certain whom I was dealing with and that might take months or years.

3. Re: bleeding: she might have started her period. She could have an infection. She could be miscarrying. There are any number of reasons she could be bleeding and it isn't likely that normal fingering methods caused this. Btw, use gloves if you are the finger-er and insist they be used on you if you are the finger-ee. There is so much crap under people's fingernails even thoroughly washing your hands before isn't really good enough.


4. IMO, each of you handled this interaction irresponsibly. It sounds like there wasn't enough clear communication ahead of time among the three of you so everyone was clear on the guidelines and expectations. Did you previously discuss what you needed to know/see/hear about these people to feel comfortable playing with them? Did you exchange bdsm checklists and agree to play where you all overlapped?

Also, just an opinion here. If you are willing to be a unicorn, you can have your pick of hundreds if not thousands of couples. There is no reason you should be interacting with anyone who makes you uncomfortable.

That you are submissive does not excuse you from being responsible for your safety and comfort level. You need to make informed decisions about what you will accept before you are ready to actually do this stuff. Good luck and enjoy the journey.

(in reply to lilmisssubmiss)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:37:09 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, he was to blame for much of what happened.
BUT
so were you.

Blame for this train wreck belongs solely on BOTH of your shoulders. Instead of focusing on what HE said went wrong and why, try focusing on what YOU might have done wrong, and why.

And then next time, make sure you don't make the same mistakes.

edited to add:
When I mention what you could have done wrong and why, I am referring to all the big, huge, red flags that even from the distance of just reading what happened...I can see clearly.

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 2/12/2012 4:38:16 PM >

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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RE: Freaked out - 2/12/2012 4:50:35 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		OP:
If it had been me? I wouldn't have attended a second coffee date with the way you describe his behavior. Being submissive doesn't mean being a push over. If he treats you in a way you do not like, don't take that shit. Period.
If you want to be humiliated or degraded over grammar, great, go for it, if you don't? Then don't put up with it for one minute, let alone through multiple meetings.

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 20
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