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RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/6/2012 11:03:56 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Has this woman said something to you that worries you?

If so, then you can do some research on her behalf, finding out about abuse hotlines, women's shelters, that sort of thing. You can also offer to help her get away if that that's what she wants.

But if she wants to stay, then there's not much you can do except be there in case she changes her mind.

She's a grown-up, and has the right to make her own choices. If she wants to stay with someone that you don't approve of (and maybe she doesn't either), then there's nothing you can do.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 1:05:36 AM   
amandie


Posts: 31
Joined: 9/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

others join in without the subs knowledge (if said sub is tied up by said play partner there is not a lot she can do to object, if others are added to the equation.)

assume that the sub knows that the first person she is to play with and agrees to it....then eventually others will ask to join in the Master says yeah why not...but does not inform the sub
....(this is classed as not having knowledge of others taking part.if you are tied up and gagged you are not going to have a lot to say.)OK! does that make it a little clearer??
I have written an extra little bit in red for those who could not understand what is going on.

And who said the sub is being raped...you have to stop and think about what is been written.
and not assume.

There is a minimum requirement for after care...its called taking care of your submissive..in which ever way she needs..Which as you alllllll know is normal aftercare???
and controll board was intended as a joke...if this was just cyber then there would be no point in asking the question.

dublinemma..Not ever thing in life is so black and white there are hues in-between... I realise that without the whole story it is possibly confusing and a little difficult for some to understand what is going on...but you have to read what has been written...

OsideGirl,poise,Killerangel,angelikaJ,SilverBoat
Thanks for your comments and at least taking time to assume that it is a serious question...and asking questions..and it is My business, but it is a need to know and at the moment I choose not to elaborate
I was hoping that there may have been others who have been through the same situation..obviously not..??

(in reply to dublinemma)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 1:10:50 AM   
amandie


Posts: 31
Joined: 9/21/2010
Status: offline 		myotherself thank-you probably one of the best answers I have had so far...

(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 1:11:23 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		There may well be others who have experienced the same thing, but given that you are obviously not going to tell us what we need to know to figure out if we HAVE gone through it, guess you'll be disappointed.

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
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(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 1:18:13 AM   
amandie


Posts: 31
Joined: 9/21/2010
Status: offline 		GreedyTop without sounding ironic/sarcastic there is enough written about it here..without Me having to go into to much detail.
Everyone can understand the situation as a whole if they read what has been written....
Really..

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 1:35:11 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		It's rape if it's non-consensual. So if she did not consent to having sex with those people, then it is rape. The only time it is not rape is if she at that point, in sound mind and judgement, consents to sex with them. This also applies to object rape. If she had agreed as part of her overall D/s relationship to be shared out that way, then that is consent.

What do you actually have in mind with "escape"? Every government resource in this situation is on the side of the un-consenting sub. Yea, things could get quite convoluted in litigation, but she doesn't have to press charges, and regardless, they would help her get away from him.

Unless she refuses to see her situation as a problem. In that case, leave her to it, she's obviously, in her own way, happy.

(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 1:37:34 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie



How does anyone else cope when they see this going on...just ignore it or???

I hate to see one of my friends hurting. I want to help them, too, but oftentimes they just won't accept any sort of help. You have to set your own boundaries though. You can be there for this sub and still have a good relationship but if the toxic relationship starts to affect you, you really need to access how much of a friend is someone who is going to constantly put you into a position where you have to hurt for them? You deserve a good friendship as much as the sub.. so make sure that's what you are getting and not just a lot of continual drama with little reward for the amount of risk you are willing to put on your heart for that person. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 2:00:47 AM   
amandie


Posts: 31
Joined: 9/21/2010
Status: offline 		Alecta, play does not always refer to the sexual act....there are other ways you can be used...honestly..and there is no agreement for it..
and sometimes the hurdles seem so very big that we do not attempt to over come them or it is sometimes called complacency.

BitaTruble: thanks it seems that you understand the problem I have....thank-you..


(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 2:21:50 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie

quote:

others join in without the subs knowledge (if said sub is tied up by said play partner there is not a lot she can do to object, if others are added to the equation.)

assume that the sub knows that the first person she is to play with and agrees to it....then eventually others will ask to join in the Master says yeah why not...but does not inform the sub
....(this is classed as not having knowledge of others taking part.if you are tied up and gagged you are not going to have a lot to say.)OK! does that make it a little clearer??
I have written an extra little bit in red for those who could not understand what is going on.

And who said the sub is being raped...you have to stop and think about what is been written.
and not assume.

There is a minimum requirement for after care...its called taking care of your submissive..in which ever way she needs..Which as you alllllll know is normal aftercare???
and controll board was intended as a joke...if this was just cyber then there would be no point in asking the question.

dublinemma..Not ever thing in life is so black and white there are hues in-between... I realise that without the whole story it is possibly confusing and a little difficult for some to understand what is going on...but you have to read what has been written...

OsideGirl,poise,Killerangel,angelikaJ,SilverBoat
Thanks for your comments and at least taking time to assume that it is a serious question...and asking questions..and it is My business, but it is a need to know and at the moment I choose not to elaborate
I was hoping that there may have been others who have been through the same situation..obviously not..??



IF she is being filmed and it is being shared to others without her knowledge or consent that might be illegal.
If she is being used and is not aware of how she is being used and you are pretty sure it is something she would object to if she knew, then I would tell her and have her options (legal and otherwise) laid out for her.
IF you aren't sure what the legal options are you might consult with a kink aware attorney.

When I said there is no such thing as "normal aftercare" you have to understand it is because we often get posts, threads and questions regarding and debating what is "normal".
Some people have gone into great detail how they require little or no aftercare and any aftercare beyond something to drink and possibly a blanket spoils things for them. For other people the aftercare they enjoy is looking after their dominant partner or top.
Some people are incredulous regarding such assertions hence my answer.

I have been in the position of being friends with someone whose relationship with her dominant partner was not what I believed to be fulfilling to her or even emotionally safe given what I knew about her.
The only thing I could do was be her friend and sometimes (but not always) that meant giving any discussion regarding that relationship a wide berth.
Eventually she left that relationship when she realised it wasn't giving her what she needed.


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(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 2:49:02 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie

Alecta, play does not always refer to the sexual act....there are other ways you can be used...honestly..and there is no agreement for it..
and sometimes the hurdles seem so very big that we do not attempt to over come them or it is sometimes called complacency.

BitaTruble: thanks it seems that you understand the problem I have....thank-you..




Whether it is sex or pain play, if she doesn't consent it is assault, and possibly battery. She has legal recourse SHOULD SHE CHOOSE TO USE IT. She has to decide, for HERSELF, if she is willing to leave the situation. There ain't a damn thing you can do until she does. As long as she freely chooses to stay in the situation, she is consenting to it. You can give her legal options and a safe place to run to, but that is all you can do.

As to normal aftercare? What is normal? Isn't any aftercare dependent upon who the dom/sub are?

(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 2:50:58 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		It can be very difficult for an s-type to leave an abusive relationship. Often there is intense emotional abuse that lowers the s-type's self esteem and self regard to such a level leaving does not seem an option.

As her friend, do everything you can to help build her self esteem, and get her into things that will help that. Dance lessons, a massage, a shopping spree, weight loss or exercise program, anything to try and counteract her low self regard. If money is tight, remember a walk in the park is free.

Help her see (w/o being too judgmental pls) what a healthy M/s dynamic looks like. Be willing to spend long hours talking about it.

As the bunny said, be ready with the info she needs (women's shelters, etc.) should she decide she can make the break.

It could take months or even years for her to decide she's had enough, so ANYTHING you do to enable her as a person will help.

Best, Chatte



_____________________________



(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 5:20:13 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie

quote:

others join in without the subs knowledge (if said sub is tied up by said play partner there is not a lot she can do to object, if others are added to the equation.)

assume that the sub knows that the first person she is to play with and agrees to it....then eventually others will ask to join in the Master says yeah why not...but does not inform the sub
....(this is classed as not having knowledge of others taking part.if you are tied up and gagged you are not going to have a lot to say.)OK! does that make it a little clearer??
I have written an extra little bit in red for those who could not understand what is going on.

And who said the sub is being raped...you have to stop and think about what is been written.
and not assume.

There is a minimum requirement for after care...its called taking care of your submissive..in which ever way she needs..Which as you alllllll know is normal aftercare???
and controll board was intended as a joke...if this was just cyber then there would be no point in asking the question.

dublinemma..Not ever thing in life is so black and white there are hues in-between... I realise that without the whole story it is possibly confusing and a little difficult for some to understand what is going on...but you have to read what has been written...

OsideGirl,poise,Killerangel,angelikaJ,SilverBoat
Thanks for your comments and at least taking time to assume that it is a serious question...and asking questions..and it is My business, but it is a need to know and at the moment I choose not to elaborate
I was hoping that there may have been others who have been through the same situation..obviously not..??



Responding to the bolded part...nope. I receive no aftercare and I'm perfectly fine with that.

As to your OP....Your writing style is very disjointed and hard to follow and it's hard to give advice without a lot of facts.
If he had me tied and gagged and then brought others in without my consent, the minute I was free my next stop would be the police station.
If she has chosen not to do that then she has accepted what has happened and I stand by my first response of it being none of your business.

_____________________________



(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 5:38:26 AM   
amandie


Posts: 31
Joined: 9/21/2010
Status: offline 		ChatteParfaitt I really would like to thank-you because you are one of the few who has understood the situation.

searching4mysir and of course you are right to a certain extent nothing anyone can do as long as it is accepted...and now we come back to the old cliche "what is normal"

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 6:24:52 AM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		All you can do is offer your assistance if she elects to leave. Be realistic about what you are able to offer, though, and don't make her promises you can't keep. The rest is up to her. There is no way to intervene in what sounds like a consensual relationship.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 7:00:06 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie

ChatteParfaitt I really would like to thank-you because you are one of the few who has understood the situation.

searching4mysir and of course you are right to a certain extent nothing anyone can do as long as it is accepted...and now we come back to the old cliche "what is normal"



Normal is a fallacy. If the person in question isn't willing to remove herself from the situation, there isn't much you can do about it. Or, perhaps, should.

For myself, if I personally saw someone I cared a great deal about, being destroyed (and that is completely subjective).......I would do something. Perhaps within the law, perhaps outside of the law. But I would absolutely consider the repercussions and whether or not I could live with the worst possible outcome. Whatever that may be.

Unfortunately the person doing the destroying is the person being destroyed. And that's when your ability to help is pretty fucking limited.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 3/7/2012 7:01:02 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 8:32:24 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie

I need some advice but do not think that anyone can really answer the question..
No this is not intended as a silly one..
I know a sub who is being given out to different people and her Master is then letting others join in without the subs knowledge the sub is suffering because of it....and no they are not into it either.

Is there anything that can be done...talking to the Master will only get the sub in trouble.
but just to watch how the sub is being misused is difficult..
The sub does not even receive normal aftercare..
I just need to get this off of My chest because it stinks and there is not a thing I can do about it..

Is there not a controll board that I can complain too??

How does anyone else cope when they see this going on...just ignore it or???

And, what exactly, does this situation have to do with you?

Mind your own fucking business...that's my advice


_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 8:48:36 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

It is not happening in Germany.


Your profile says you are in Germany...is this someone you know in real life or is she a cyber friend?

(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 9:13:46 AM   
amandie


Posts: 31
Joined: 9/21/2010
Status: offline 		Irish mist you should never talk about subjects or topics that you do not understand leave that for the grown ups...
Kalidshama both...at the moment.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 9:33:05 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie

Irish mist you should never talk about subjects or topics that you do not understand leave that for the grown ups...
Kalidshama both...at the moment.


Quit being a snobby snot. (unless you want to make a bigger fool of yourself than you already have) Irish probably has more hands on experience on the topic I THINK this convoluted mess you created is about, than you hopefully ever will.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to amandie)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 9:33:36 AM   
MrsT301


Posts: 48
Joined: 2/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie

I know a sub who is being given out to different people and her Master is then letting others join in without the subs knowledge the sub is suffering because of it


How is she being given out to different people and have no knowledge of it? If she has no knowledge of it how is she suffering because of it?


Yeah this made no sense to me either.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 40
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