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RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 10:27:48 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Irish mist you should never talk about subjects or topics that you do not understand leave that for the grown ups...

*snicker*
You want to stick to mature, grown up topics? Ok. How about this?

First....YOU...supposedly at the age of 50...have to yet to realize that your so called 'friend' is supposedly an adult who knows how to make her own decisions. She...or he, if it fits...does not need a pretend mommy calling foul.

Secondly...writing on a forum board, asking for 'help' for a 'friend' is worse than the immature high school drama that really DOES go on in high schools. Not very grown up of you to air another persons dirty laundry on the internet.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to amandie)

Post #: 41

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 10:28:21 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Op you are being very rude. People have given you advice. Unless this woman has begged you to help her escape, you don't know that she didn't agree to this in the beginning.

Just because you wouldn't like this doesn't mean that she doesn't. Some women enjoy this. Others enjoy not the situation directly but they get enjoyment out of being humiliated or degraded. Others get great pleasure from pleasing their owner even if it isn't something they would pick themselves.

Again, has she said anything to you? Has she said that she feels trapped and needs to escape? Or are you projecting your own feelings onto the situation?

Because if it is your belief that everyone else in the world must feel exactly the same way you do, you're wrong. Unless and until she asks for help to escape, you should stop interfering in someone else's relationship.

Now if she does want this to stop, then call the police for her. If you saw this happen, then you can testify about her being raped by multiple people and her partner's complicity.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to MrsT301)

Post #: 42

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 2:40:28 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

The entire story makes no sense.

So what you're claiming is that she is effectively an abused woman.

A) Abused in who's opinion? hers or yours? Do you honestly believe a kink-aware licensed councillor would agree?
B) Who defines what "normal" after care is? You or her? I'm not aware of any standards.

Frankly, the entire thing sounds like made-up high school drama to me. But if that is not true and you actually believe this woman is being abused in a legal sense then you have at a minimum, an ethical obligation to step in. You could do your best to get her to see a councillor. As you correctly guess, odds are that you'll just lose her as a friend, but that doesn't change your obligations in the matter. Just be sure you are so right that it's worth losing the friendship over. People seldom are.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to amandie)

Post #: 43

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 3:00:00 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Amandie, I realize that there is a language barrier and it would be nice if we considered that, but it would also be nice if you considered that as well and stopped with the attitude and snarls. If you want people to read what you say and understand and not respond in the ways that have upset you, then you need to make sure that you are able to express what you are saying without saying the opposite of what you just said sometimes in the same sentence. Your attitude really does suck. People are trying to understand what you are saying and may have to project to put the pieces of your conversation together and then you get upset. However, you are confusing things by saying things that do mean what people are putting together.

What you aren't saying and holding back creates a situation where people have to try to figure it out. No one knows who you are talking about and without details and with confusing details, you really aren't being very nice when you tell people to read what you are actually saying. You jumped on someone for saying something that you said you didn't say and you did say it.

I don't believe that you understand a lot of bdsm relationships and the way of it... even in a general sense and from what you have said, you are talking about an adult that can protect themself, can speak for themself and can do something about the situation if they want to. If you can express that it is hard to leave and be alone and face whatever this submissive would face, I must ask why it is that you cannot see how you are enabling this person by placing them as victim and not able to stand on their own two feet and take care of themself. Isn't that as harmful as someone taking advantage of another person? You do no good to enable someone that may be in a struggle. They must take responsibility for themself and you cannot do it for them. If indeed they have a problem with any of this, your only role can be to support healthy behavior because you do a disservice in justifying helplessness.

When people find it more painful to stay than it is to leave, they will leave. However, your advocacy of your friend isn't going to do anything for them if you enable dysfunction.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 44

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 7:17:36 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

a woman is being given out to different men, and she doesn't know it?

I would go with the silence is golden on this one.

OMG, that is hilarious!!! I always kind of roll my eyes when people say they spew out a mouthful of drink when they read something funny here but I am so glad I wasn't drinking anything when I just read this. Thanks for the belly laugh, Ron. That really cracked me up.........luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 45

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/7/2012 7:40:26 PM

dublinemma

Posts: 57
Joined: 9/10/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie

dublinemma..Not ever thing in life is so black and white there are hues in-between... I realise that without the whole story it is possibly confusing and a little difficult for some to understand what is going on...but you have to read what has been written...

But see you aren't giving the full story, therefore, we are reading what has been written and reaching our own conclusions... You are being vague and mysterious about the situation which led to my black and white response...

(in reply to amandie)

Post #: 46

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/8/2012 4:04:59 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

FR:

All details aside, if she's being abused it's up to her to grow a spine and fucking leave him. If she won't then don't waste your precious few brain cells and efforts trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

(in reply to dublinemma)

Post #: 47

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/8/2012 6:27:46 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

This pretty much...

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

It can be very difficult for an s-type to leave an abusive relationship. Often there is intense emotional abuse that lowers the s-type's self esteem and self regard to such a level leaving does not seem an option.

As her friend, do everything you can to help build her self esteem, and get her into things that will help that. Dance lessons, a massage, a shopping spree, weight loss or exercise program, anything to try and counteract her low self regard. If money is tight, remember a walk in the park is free.

Help her see (w/o being too judgmental pls) what a healthy M/s dynamic looks like. Be willing to spend long hours talking about it.

As the bunny said, be ready with the info she needs (women's shelters, etc.) should she decide she can make the break.

It could take months or even years for her to decide she's had enough, so ANYTHING you do to enable her as a person will help.

Best, Chatte

To me, it would depend on how well I knew the person, and how much support I'd be able to give.

If it were someone close to me I'd consider an intervention.

The police might very well pay attention, especially if there's coercion involved.

A long long time ago, I intervened by having a quiet word with the dom in question, I'm not proud that I offered him a lot of violence if he didn't back the fuck off, but it did do the trick.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 48

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/8/2012 8:44:22 AM

LoreBook

Posts: 257
Joined: 2/22/2012
Status: offline

Talk to her and offer her your help if she wants to leave. If she wants to stay, then there's not much you can do, if you think what is happening is really against her will or coerced in some way, then you can try contacting the police. Other than that, I'm with the "butt out its none of your business" crowd.

The preceding statement represents the views and opinions of the author and the author alone, and should in no way be considered an attempt by the author to define or determine anything for anybody but herself.

_____________________________

WITHOUT "ART" THE EARTH IS JUST "EH"

LLT

(in reply to amandie)

Post #: 49

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 3:09:54 AM

Mr4sg

Posts: 99
Joined: 9/2/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

This pretty much...

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

It can be very difficult for an s-type to leave an abusive relationship. Often there is intense emotional abuse that lowers the s-type's self esteem and self regard to such a level leaving does not seem an option.

As her friend, do everything you can to help build her self esteem, and get her into things that will help that. Dance lessons, a massage, a shopping spree, weight loss or exercise program, anything to try and counteract her low self regard. If money is tight, remember a walk in the park is free.

Help her see (w/o being too judgmental pls) what a healthy M/s dynamic looks like. Be willing to spend long hours talking about it.

As the bunny said, be ready with the info she needs (women's shelters, etc.) should she decide she can make the break.

It could take months or even years for her to decide she's had enough, so ANYTHING you do to enable her as a person will help.

Best, Chatte

To me, it would depend on how well I knew the person, and how much support I'd be able to give.

If it were someone close to me I'd consider an intervention.

The police might very well pay attention, especially if there's coercion involved.

A long long time ago, I intervened by having a quiet word with the dom in question, I'm not proud that I offered him a lot of violence if he didn't back the fuck off, but it did do the trick.

Well that brings back memories ...

@OP:
the difficulty in this is the fine line between at one hand every person having the right to hit a brick wall headfirst and experience their own mistakes and learn from those. On the other hand, sometimes people are confronted with situations in life that they can not deal with without help of friends. Neither of us here online can judge the situation sufficiently to say which one is the better choice in this matter.

@some other posters:
If someone has a serious question they want to ask, dont go frag them from an "hollier-than-thou-art" perspective. Misuse of BDSM to cover up abuse is a serious threat to all of us in the lifestyle. To some, the internet is the only place they can speak about their situation. Give people who come out with a story a bit leeway on their emotions and snappy reactions. If you dont have anything nice to say, just keep your lips sealed.

Peace.

_____________________________

Don't argue with idiots. It lowers you to their level where they beat you with experience.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 50

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 3:43:18 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mr4sg

@some other posters:
If someone has a serious question they want to ask, dont go frag them from an "hollier-than-thou-art" perspective. Misuse of BDSM to cover up abuse is a serious threat to all of us in the lifestyle. To some, the internet is the only place they can speak about their situation. Give people who come out with a story a bit leeway on their emotions and snappy reactions. If you dont have anything nice to say, just keep your lips sealed.

Peace.

That's a might shaky pedestal you're standing on. Good luck with that.

If foolish people make foolish posts, they will be treated as such. If they, or you, do not like the answers they get........please feel free to avail yourself of the hide feature. Barring your inability to do so, please feel free to avoid this little part of the website.

I am quite certain those 'other posters' do not care one iota what you think about their posting style and laugh/ed as much as I upon reading your cute little admonishment. I just love when people, especially relatively newish posters, try to go all 'I am the boss of you' and think they are going to accomplish anything but their own BBQ.

Good morning, looks like it's going to be a beautiful day!

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Mr4sg)

Post #: 51

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 3:56:39 AM

Mr4sg

Posts: 99
Joined: 9/2/2011
Status: offline

Just because someone writes something you dislike, that doesnt mean you have any right to try shut them down with your opinion.'

If you see something you dislike, go use that "hide" button of yours, instead of trying to silence others.

The opinion and writings of the OP added a discussion to this thread. Your words merely try to break things down. Who do you think you are?

_____________________________

Don't argue with idiots. It lowers you to their level where they beat you with experience.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 52

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 4:57:33 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

yes... she can... its clearly not consensual.. she walks or someone calls the police...

I'm going only on the little and confusing and odd information you're giving... but even with that, this seems fairly simple

quote:

ORIGINAL: amandie

Thank-you fallon 0627 but it is not as easy as it may sound...the sub cannot get out of the relationship and it is not a TPE at the moment but looks like it is being pushed in this direction.

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to amandie)

Post #: 53

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 5:01:30 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

and I guess I missed it or you never said.... Is the person in question having a problem with this situation? If not.. then you'd best back off

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 54

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 6:23:23 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mr4sg

Just because someone writes something you dislike, that doesnt mean you have any right to try shut them down with your opinion.'

If you see something you dislike, go use that "hide" button of yours, instead of trying to silence others.

The opinion and writings of the OP added a discussion to this thread. Your words merely try to break things down. Who do you think you are?

Mirror, mirror... on the wall...

You cannot see that you have done exactly what you have told others not to do? Because you don't see the error in communication that the OP has made repeatedly, along with the snappiness you have excused because of emotional upset and then the possible language barriers most could consider... and maybe you haven't read the OP's profile, you feel people on this thread have been naughty/lacking and conducted themselves in a manner for which you think they are trying to shut the OP up or be afraid to ask a question.... doesn't mean your take is correct. I see no where, where anyone told the op to shut up... but many places where they asked for more information or clearer details... however... you told people to shut up, didn't you buddy?

If a number of people found the communications lacking and the story a non story, but a few unclear factoids that could be something and then again, could be something in the mind of the OP and people question it and need more or call the OP on what they ARE doing... then maybe you need to take your own instruction or... to be nice... your own advice.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 3/9/2012 6:26:08 AM >

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to Mr4sg)

Post #: 55

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 6:39:59 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

****some other posters:
If someone has a serious question they want to ask, dont go frag them from an "hollier-than-thou-art" perspective. Misuse of BDSM to cover up abuse is a serious threat to all of us in the lifestyle. To some, the internet is the only place they can speak about their situation. Give people who come out with a story a bit leeway on their emotions and snappy reactions. If you dont have anything nice to say, just keep your lips sealed.

The OP was not speaking about HIS situation. He was speaking about someone else.
Oh, and for the record...me telling him to mind his own fucking business...I was speaking nicely.

quote:

Who do you think you are?

*snicker*
I think that Miss LaT is one hell of a classy lady.

Too bad we can not say the same about you.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Mr4sg)

Post #: 56

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 6:55:41 AM

fucktoyprincess

Posts: 2337
Status: offline

Taking what you have written at face value, I am curious as to how you are aware of what is going on. Are you one of the participants? Is this in public play space? Is either the sub or Master or both known to you personally?

I would think what you would describe would not occur at a public play space. And you could always speak to management if you had concerns.

If you are a participant, and you have these concerns, I think you need to speak to whoever brought you into the group to start and see where that discussion takes you.

If you know the sub personally, I would speak to them, determine the facts from their perspective (this might take some time, even a lot of time), and if it is as you describe, then help them (again over time) develop the psychological strength to get out.

If you know the Master personally, then surely you can speak to them, too.

I'm not sure that I agree with your assessment that there is nothing you can do. You seem to be aware of enough facts that your connection to these things is more than passerby in the street. And what is going on clearly bothers you to the core.

I do not support non-consensual activity under the guise of BDSM.

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to amandie)

Post #: 57

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 7:31:16 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mr4sg

Just because someone writes something you dislike, that doesnt mean you have any right to try shut them down with your opinion.'

If you see something you dislike, go use that "hide" button of yours, instead of trying to silence others.

The opinion and writings of the OP added a discussion to this thread. Your words merely try to break things down. Who do you think you are?

Hello pot.....meet kettle......

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Mr4sg)

Post #: 58

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 11:04:44 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mr4sg

Just because someone writes something you dislike, that doesnt mean you have any right to try shut them down with your opinion.'

If you see something you dislike, go use that "hide" button of yours, instead of trying to silence others.

The opinion and writings of the OP added a discussion to this thread. Your words merely try to break things down. Who do you think you are?

Well aren't you just precious!

The hypocrisy is delightful. Thank you for the laugh. This post, combined with your cute little sig line......Well sugar britches I can only offer this.

Be the change you want to see.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Mr4sg)

Post #: 59

RE: Misuse of a submissive - 3/9/2012 1:37:23 PM

CRYPTICLXVI

Posts: 3907
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

sugar britches

She said "sugar britches", how cool is that?

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 60

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