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RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 3:17:48 PM   
timeoutgurlie


Posts: 588
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		You're welcome hun, it's sad to know you think just because of this, no Dom will want you, it's just not true.  Just try and think of it this way, if he's willing to give up on you just because you won't give him head, and he'll look past everything good you have to offer...do YOU want to be with HIM?  If your answer is, "Yes, if he'll have me"...you need to work on your self esteem and self worth first, and worry about what you do in bed later if it's something you want to change.

Honestly, if you already KNOW that you never want to do it, then you need to focus on the things you do enjoy and don't even worry about that one part you're not into.  There's so much more to relationships and sex than just that one act. 

If you actually do WANT to get past it because you think you could come to enjoy doing it, the right man with patience and tenderness would be able to help you.  I was molested too, and I had a lot of hang ups because of it.  I still remember the first boy who tired to kiss me and how badly I freaked out when I felt him trying to shove his tongue into my mouth, it wasn't till a few years later that I even explained to him why I'd flipped out on him like I did...poor guy lol  Anyways, the point is, you can get past it if you want to, I just have this funny feeling you're honest answer is what you said earlier, that you'd be happy NEVER doing it.  I think you're feeling exactly what you said in your reply to me, that you're "not a sub" if you won't do it...don't burden yourself with those feelings, you're worth so much more than that.  If I can tell it and I don't even know you, then the right Dom will definitely be able to tell the same when he gets to know you

(in reply to pinkee)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 4:13:33 PM   
MasterMoody


Posts: 133
Joined: 4/19/2006
Status: offline 		if it is some you can do right now find a dom that get head from you is not inporten at this time and see if it is something he can waite on untell you are ready and to see what happens

(in reply to pinkee)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 4:15:20 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with everyone who's said that you must first decide if this is something you really want to learn to enjoy.  You can't decide to do it because "doms expect it."  Yes, oral gratification has become widely practiced  and enjoyed by multitudes of people, so much so, that many feel that it is a deal breaker.  If that's the case with someone, then you would be forced to reconsider the relationship.

This also something that you can't learn to enjoy with just anyone.  In fact, it may be something that will take much time to learn and only someone who is willing to let you go at your own pace and not pressure you about it is going to be able to work through it with you.  Counseling, talking about it is one thing.  Having the real thing staring you in the face is entirely another. 

Quite possibly too, is the approach you have to it.  I understand this is going to sound odd, but consider for a moment the great pleasure a dominant offers his submissive.  When allowed the freedom to do as she will, a submissive can often create great pleasure for her dominant with her mouth.  It is a very empowering feeling, knowing that she has the ability to make his body tremble, as he does hers so often.  To give him a mindblowing orgasm, as he often does for her.  In a very real sense, during such activity, he has given a certain portion of his power to her.  You are the one with the power at the moment and not him.  He, hopefully, is too involved in what is happening to his own body and relishing his pleasure.

Of course, it's not like that every time, sometimes, they prefer to just use her as they see fit, which is something else entirely.  And some will never be able to allow it to happen this way, simply because they do not wish to release that power, even for a moment of extreme pleasure. 

I hope for you, should you decide you wish to overcome your fears and learn to enjoy this experience, that you meet the kind of dominant who will take the time you need, and release that power to you, allow you to control that particular situation. 

Giving a man oral pleasure is a wonderful and gratifying experience.  I hope you are able to enjoy it yourself, one day.  But even if you are not, that's okay too.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to timeoutgurlie)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 4:32:38 PM   
MasterMoody


Posts: 133
Joined: 4/19/2006
Status: offline 		ever one is right you need to find out if it is something you want to do or not

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 4:40:08 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		enigmabrat,

I'm not interested in going into the depth this subject needs, on a public forum, but I think I have some good ideas to help you.

I'd be happy to chat privately, if you wish. Just email me on the other side.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to enigmabrat)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 5:34:44 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think the obvious solution is to not commit yourself to a dominant unless you are 110% secure that he's ok with this as a limit, possibly forever, and is willing and able to deal with your freak outs in a positive way- cuz my guess is that this oral thing is only one of many things that will cause you to freak out.

Yes, your inability to have oral sex IS going to cut a LOT of people out of your drawing pool.  But that's what narrowing things down and making sure you have the right relationship for you is all about.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to enigmabrat)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 5:41:52 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		You need therapy before you do BDSM in my opinion.  Therapists don't "leave" patients, certainly not therapist after another, YOU are the pattern there dear.  I think "trust issues" is screaming out of your posts.  You want a dominant because you read about how superhuman and perfect we all are and how we create these amazing zones of safety around our treasures.

Sorry, just aint true, YOU have to deal with your trust issues by FACING them, finding a therapist and learning to stick with one and do the hard work you need to do.

Yeah, shitty things happened to you in the PAST, but unless you want to dwell there forever, it is time to grow up and put the past behind you, rather than wallowing in it.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 6:09:20 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:...I have a real issue with oral sex, bassically Im terrafied of it, most Doms insist on it yet it isnt something I am able to do at least not yet, what should i do?


I have a big issue with 'deep throating' so I understand your fears to an extent. For a long time I was scared of giving oral, until a friend told me a secret, take it slow. I spend time licking a cock like its an ice cream cone, long smooth steady strokes; use your hand a bit and if you need more saliva, drink water to help get your mouth wet. No need to be furious when giving oral to begin with; just look at it like anything else that's new, an expereince to be eased into. Now, I LOVE giving oral; I like to wake my partner up by going down on him, no objects so far, tyvm. All have apperciated the 'surprise' and the gesture.
Any top should understand your fears and help you work through them not force the issue and make you more fearfull, thats not safe and its just plain dumb. Take your time.

Do you know why you are fearfull of giving oral?

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to enigmabrat)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 6:13:26 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: timeoutgurlie
Men with penises enjoy oral, it's almost law.


Nothing turns me off more than a woman trying bravely to orally please me who does not enjoy giving me oral pleasure.

Having said that, a woman with skills and a love for pleasing me that way is a treasure.

quote:


I have to echo puella, what about it scares you? 


She stated in her post that she was abused as a child.  I doubt
this is the proper forum to go further into examination.

You will eventually find a Dominant who will accept you as you
are, enigmabrat. 

Just me, could be wrong, etc.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to timeoutgurlie)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 6:33:15 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		I have a friend who does not give oral. With her it's a medical reason--her jaw locks and dislocates.

She's very very happy with her dominant partner. :)

Just sayin' that even if you choose to never go into this issue, there -are- people who are ok with that.


_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 6:54:19 PM   
timeoutgurlie


Posts: 588
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

quote:

ORIGINAL: timeoutgurlie
I have to echo puella, what about it scares you? 


She stated in her post that she was abused as a child.  I doubt
this is the proper forum to go further into examination.



You come off as a quite the arrogant idiot, but I doubt this is the proper forum to go further into examination on that subject either

By the time I had a chance to reply and hit submit, there were further posts made, so I happened to ask the same question that had already been asked.  Hardly reason to jump up my ass, but, whatever

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 8:06:45 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: timeoutgurlie
You come off as a quite the arrogant idiot,

Arrogant, sure.

Idiot?  Not so much. 

And I personally didn't see any intention or indication of someone "jumping your ass."  I thought it was just a simple answering your question.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to timeoutgurlie)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 8:19:57 PM   
timeoutgurlie


Posts: 588
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		It smacked of condescending to me.  Did they think I was asking for a detailed explanation of exactly what occurred?  If so, idiot fits well.  If not, then...idiot also fits well. 

Why else would someone make mention of another's post to give a minilecture?

Fortunately, we don't have to agree on here.  I didn't mention it to start something, just to point out that I noticed the tone it was presented in so as to not read something similar later on.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 8:26:41 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: timeoutgurlie
It smacked of condescending to me.  Did they think I was asking for a detailed explanation of exactly what occurred?  If so, idiot fits well.  If not, then...idiot also fits well. 

Your logic seems pretty lacking there, pretty tinged with emotional knee-jerking.
quote:


Why else would someone make mention of another's post to give a minilecture?

Why do you assume the "mini lecture" was towards you?  I took as a general statement to the "thread readers"
quote:


Fortunately, we don't have to agree on here.  I didn't mention it to start something, just to point out that I noticed the tone it was presented in so as to not read something similar later on.

Cuz calling someone an arrogant idiot would NEVER start anything and is obviously the best and most mature way to express your feelings and try to reach an understanding.

Now THAT was sarcastic condescension.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to timeoutgurlie)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 8:27:14 PM   
xxmstrchasxx


Posts: 423
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		enigmabrat,

Here is the way I feel about this....If you have a problem with it then talk to your Dom.  While I enjoy oral sex if my sub had a problem with it, I'm sure we could find a way to work around it.

If a Dom says you have to do it regardless of how you feel, then find another Dom!  One with a little more understanding.

_____________________________

XxMasterChasxX

(in reply to enigmabrat)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 8:44:33 PM   
timeoutgurlie


Posts: 588
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		I believe in the whole 'you teach people how to treat you' rule.  So far, it's worked well for me.

When someone quotes me, either in text or in real life, call me crazy but I do tend to assume that means it is in fact directed toward me personally.

Anyhow, this is a serious thread about a serious topic so I'll quit posting about this because it's just detracting from the member's initial purpose, and sorry to brat for the slight derail

(in reply to xxmstrchasxx)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 8:56:54 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

Yes...
The fear like I said comes from  years of abuse.
Id be happy to never do oral, at the same time I feel like getting over the fear might help me deal, maybe it wont!!
Id like to hear from the men on this

If you can't deal with it then don't. If you suffered severe abuse you could trigger an episode and make things worse. Find a Dom who doesn't insist on you doing it, there are some out there. If he cares about you truly he WILL Understand.
But if you have to do it, I would suggest go very slowly perhaps just stroking his penis (or a dildo for that matter), kissing it and leaving it at that until you feel comfortable to do more.
~Lashra

(in reply to enigmabrat)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 9:15:33 PM   
timeoutgurlie


Posts: 588
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		Wow.  That's actually a really good idea, trying to see if she can get comfortable with a dildo first.  Wonder if she's ever tried that...sounds like a good experiment.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 9:26:45 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		A dildo is NOT like a male penis. A penis is soft to begin with and grows and gets harder as it become aroused. If I did that, personally, I would never have given a man oral sex. I foudn its best to start when a man is soft and close your eyes; like I said, I was told to act like its an icecream. As logn as he has good hygene and you take things slow and don't force it, it will come, and if not, be patient. If you still don't like it, don't fret, its not the end of the world.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to timeoutgurlie)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Fear of oral - 6/3/2006 9:29:52 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: timeoutgurlie

It smacked of condescending to me. 


That was not my intent, however you decided to take it.

Enjoy your evening,

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to timeoutgurlie)
Profile   Post #: 40
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