Fear of oral (Full Version)

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enigmabrat -> Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:34:09 PM)

Ok here goes
I have a real issue with oral sex, bassically Im terrafied of it, most Doms insist on it yet it isnt something I am able to do at least not yet, what should i do?



puella -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:37:45 PM)

Hello enigmabrat,


I guess firstly.. you want to decide if this is something you really want to get over.

Then I would ask... what about it causes you fear?  What bothers you?



enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:42:32 PM)

Something bad hapend to me as a child
I was abused badly growing up by someone I was supposed to TRUST!!
I honestly would be happy to NEVER give oral it freaks me out, but Doms want it



timeoutgurlie -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:45:25 PM)

I think it's safe to say, even though I don't have a penis and therefore can't say I truly KNOW this to be true, that men will want a partner who enjoys giving them oral regardless of whether they're Dom, sub, neither or whatever category they place themselves into.  Men with penises enjoy oral, it's almost law.

I have to echo puella, what about it scares you? 

There are women, believe it or not, who have never done it and never will, and they don't have too much trouble finding men who love them and cherish them despite that...so if you feel it's something you never want to do, then you just have to make sure you let your partners know that.  If they try and force you...they're not worth you in the first place.



enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:48:26 PM)

Yes...
The fear like I said comes from  years of abuse.
Id be happy to never do oral, at the same time I feel like getting over the fear might help me deal, maybe it wont!!
Id like to hear from the men on this



BrattyBottomRN -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:48:34 PM)

Regardless of what scares you... EVERYONE has limits.  My Master and I are going through this right now.  He's pretty much INSISTING on anal which is my one big limit.  I'm basically telling him no fucking way, like we agreed on from the get-go.  Just because a Top wants you to do something doesn't mean you absolutely have to.  The key I think is setting limits from the beginning.  I agree with timeoutgurlie, if someone will force you to do something you truly do NOT want to do, they're not the Master you want to be collared by anyway.  Like I'm trying to argue with my master right now, a D/s relationship is a two way street.  It's gratification for both.



angelface183 -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:48:53 PM)

Realize that the man before you is not the one who hurt you.  Wait until you are with a man that you trust enough to share this with.

quote:

 If they try and force you...they're not worth you in the first place.  


But if they will work with you to find out what scares you and gently take you through that then they are worth it. 



iliv2servher -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:50:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

Ok here goes
I have a real issue with oral sex, bassically Im terrafied of it, most Doms insist on it yet it isnt something I am able to do at least not yet, what should i do?


I know a woman who was sexually violated at an early age, and oral copulation was a part of that violation.  The aftermath and the fear of those awful images has spanned over 30 years of her adult life.  I do not know if the trauma of that experiences is so powerful in her mind that she cannot or will not do it.  She's a female submissive and obviously needs to face and come to terms with that issue.  I believe that, with therapy, patience and kindness, and a willingness to move beyond that horrible incident which caused the phobia, it can be conquered.  However, it is not up to me or anyone else to work toward that breakthrough.  It is her decision to make, and her decision alone.



enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:50:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrattyBottomRN

Regardless of what scares you... EVERYONE has limits.  My Master and I are going through this right now.  He's pretty much INSISTING on anal which is my one big limit.  I'm basically telling him no fucking way, like we agreed on from the get-go.  Just because a Top wants you to do something doesn't mean you absolutely have to.  The key I think is setting limits from the beginning.  I agree with timeoutgurlie, if someone will force you to do something you truly do NOT want to do, they're not the Master you want to be collared by anyway.  Like I'm trying to argue with my master right now, a D/s relationship is a two way street.  It's gratification for both.


dont give in on the anal thing!! He is trying to manipulate you, he agreed to anal when he collard you he feels now he has you he can break that and it isnt right dont let him win.

Sorry that was off topic but I needed to say it :D



timeoutgurlie -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:50:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

Something bad hapend to me as a child
I was abused badly growing up by someone I was supposed to TRUST!!
I honestly would be happy to NEVER give oral it freaks me out, but Doms want it


Sweetheart, that's definitely a solid reason to stay away from oral.  Any man who wouldn't respect that is not the kind of man you want to give yourself to in any way, you deserve better than to be forced into doing anything that brings back terrible memories and feelings.

I'm sincerely sorry to hear you had to even have those experiences in the first place and wish you the best of luck finding a man who will love you despite any issues you have...we ALL have them, the key is finding the right person so those things don't have to be a burden on either of us.



enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:52:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: timeoutgurlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

Something bad hapend to me as a child
I was abused badly growing up by someone I was supposed to TRUST!!
I honestly would be happy to NEVER give oral it freaks me out, but Doms want it



thanks

its just so hard, I am not the best sub in fact Im not really a sub Im more of a brat/bottom so things are harder to begin with throwing in the no oral really really limits anyone who would want me
Sweetheart, that's definitely a solid reason to stay away from oral.  Any man who wouldn't respect that is not the kind of man you want to give yourself to in any way, you deserve better than to be forced into doing anything that brings back terrible memories and feelings.

I'm sincerely sorry to hear you had to even have those experiences in the first place and wish you the best of luck finding a man who will love you despite any issues you have...we ALL have them, the key is finding the right person so those things don't have to be a burden on either of us.



HollyS -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:55:09 PM)

Hi Enigma,

If oral sex is a hard limit for you, for whatever reason, you can say so and most Dominants will respect it.  Everyone has hard limits and childhood abuse is a perfectly reasonable reason for not wanting to give orally.  If you are up front about not wanting to serve that way and a Dominant chooses to look elsewhere, that's okay -- they weren't the right person for you.

That being said, I would consider whether there are other ways where, after establishing trust with a Top, you might be able to incorporate some of the elements of oral sex without getting to the point of distress.  Would genital kissing be okay with you? How about licking your fingers before touching him?  Perhaps a Dominant who was aware of your past issues would be willing to go slowly with you and take small steps to whatever point you are comfortable.  A bit of creativity might be called for in this case.

If you decide that this is an important issue for you to overcome, then I would suggest getting with a good therapist first.  Doing it for someone else isn't going to be enough to carry you if things get very stressful for you -- you have to be doing it for yourself before you can give it to someone else.  Desensitization therapy could work, but seeing someone for help with those old feelings that come up whenever oral sex becomes an issue would likely have more effect long term.

Good luck.

~Holly



enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:55:46 PM)


While I know he is not the one that hurt me the moment I kneel down with his cock in my face I transform into that 5 yo the one so terrafied of whats to come I freeze. They are called flashbacks and Im unfortunate enough to suffer from them!!




fullofgrace -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:57:29 PM)

i'm guessing you've gone through some type of counseling or trauma recovery for this abuse? if so, is this something you could bring up to a counselor? i have been raped, and i know that that has had lasting effects on certain s/m acts for me (though i love giving oral). but if you talked to a mental health professional, or perhaps a sex therapist who has experience dealing with trauma victims, they might be able to more adequately help you figure out how to get over this fear.

though, as puella put it - this needs to be something you WANT to get over. if your desire to serve is such that you want to be able to do this to please a dom, that's one thing...but if you really, really do NOT want to do this and it is a hard limit for you, don't compromise yourself. there are SO many other ways to serve a dom, both sexually and non, and any dom worth his salt should be able to find worth in a submissive or slave outside of her oral capabilities. also (and i think this is the weirdest thing ever) there ARE men who don't get a huge thrill or sexual gratification from oral, and are rather ambivalent about the act. i don't know how many of them there are, but i've met two or three, and i'm sure there are more...so there is always a chance that you'll meet a dom for whom that isn't even an issue at all.

edited to add: i also suffer from flashbacks...again, i think this is more something that you might want to explore with a therapist, especially a sex therapist who has experience dealing with post traumatic stress disorder patients, because i am sure not everyone here has had the experience of ptsd and even for those who have, it's hard to give such personalized and specific advice to one person who has experienced a specific trauma and has specific triggers that cause them to flash back.



Quivver -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:57:45 PM)

Hug's for you Brat.... abuse is a tough one to over come. 
The only thing I wonder is if you possibly were a thumb sucker....?
I swear there is a corolation (sp?), some oral fixatition (again sp?)
that some never out grow.  (blush, he hee)  I'd sure never push it
if it's caused you pain, but possibly a train of thought from a different
angle...




enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:58:13 PM)

Holly

I have thought about that, and I am willing to try, but what happens if I freak out???



enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 1:59:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver

Hug's for you Brat.... abuse is a tough one to over come. 
The only thing I wonder is if you possibly were a thumb sucker....?
I swear there is a corolation (sp?), some oral fixatition (again sp?)
that some never out grow.  (blush, he hee)  I'd sure never push it
if it's caused you pain, but possibly a train of thought from a different
angle...




OMG ok were did you get that thumb sucking thing.
I never thought about it but yes I am a thumb sucker and even at the age of 22 it is not something I can stop doing its sad a 22 yo that sucks her thumb!!



torsionman -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 2:01:07 PM)

I certainly don't fear oral though giving it to a Mistress is what I do at the drop of a hat(panties). Don't force yourself to DO it, find a Dom who is comfortable with you edging closer and closer as time goes on and NOT forcing you. Abuse while young leaves major scars and dealing with them is hard. It's been shown that a wild cat won't let you get near them out of fear of harm, place food out for them and keep doing it regularly as it sees you nearby. Slowly the cat will let you get closer until one day you can pet it. BE the cat.



enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 2:05:00 PM)

full of grace

Yes I am in counsaling have been for about 5 years
but Im shy and havent managed to keep the same therapist for long enough to really get into it, they keep leaving me :( Iv been through about 12 therapists in 5 years!!!



pinkee -> RE: Fear of oral (6/3/2006 2:07:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

Ok here goes
I have a real issue with oral sex, bassically Im terrafied of it, most Doms insist on it yet it isnt something I am able to do at least not yet, what should i do?


i'm right there with you --- except my fear is anal sex.  My attitude is if i am collared, it is only because i greatly Trust and Respect my Dom or Master.  i would exect Him to acknowledge my fear and either avoid anal sex, or be very, very slow in introducing it to me.  Even then, if i found i could not bear it, i would expect Him to accept that it was a hard limit for me.
 
i have two additionsl points for you.  First, if you fear (giving, i asssume) oral sex because of a past bad experience (get Your f**king hand offa my neck!) then this is something that you could discuss with your Dom, and possibly work through. 
 
Alot of Doms say They are into face-fucking, and that's fine, but i sometimes wonder how Many have the skills necessary not to asphyxiate the woman/man.  Face-fucking isn't a skill that's innate; it must be learnt.  The giver must be permitted enough air not to panic -- or die.
 
Second, if this issue is coming up with alot of Doms, perhaps you might reconsider whether you are really at ease discussing your personal sexual preferences with strangers.
 
pinkee



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