RE: Fear of oral (Full Version)

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Sinergy -> RE: Fear of oral (6/4/2006 7:43:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

OK lets say Im NOT interested in EVER doing oral,
to the Doms out there, is that something you could live with??


I did answer this.

I could live with it.

Although, how do you look in a cheerleader outfit?

Sinergy



enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/4/2006 8:23:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

OK lets say Im NOT interested in EVER doing oral,
to the Doms out there, is that something you could live with??


I did answer this.

I could live with it.

Although, how do you look in a cheerleader outfit?

Sinergy


LOL that all depends you like fat girls in cheerleader outfits??



juliaoceania -> RE: Fear of oral (6/5/2006 10:08:09 AM)

Egnima,

I have read many of the responses to your thread and I would definitely do as many here say and continue down the road to see if you can heal yourself. It sounds as though you may have PTSD, which can be treated very successfully and even fairly much "cured" in some people. I experienced a trauma as a young teen and discovered I had PTSD a couple of years ago. Although the triggers for PTSD are different, I never suffered abuse as a child for example, they still leave the same symptoms.  It sounds as though this problem with oral that you have may be a phobia. I say this because of your description of having flashbacks, which is common with PTSD. Because it may have a phobic component to it I would STRONGLY recommend you tell your therapist about this, they cannot help you get to the root of your problem unless they know what it is. PTSD is a physical disorder in which your brain chemistry is even altered, it is accompanied by depression and severe anxiety. At my worst I would jump out of my skin if someone startled me, I always felt angry and I did not know why. I had something "trigger" this in me in my mid 30s, and I had to deal with issues I had repressed for over 20 yrs. PTSD is grief and shock suppressed and it seems to me that childhood abuse could set you up for this condition. If you do not tell your therapist of your flashbacks and what triggers them, well they cant help you honey. They only know what you tell them.


I want you to know that even though it is very hard PTSD can be overcome and they are developing effective treatments. I am happy and mentally healthy today. I suffer no symptoms of PTSD anymore other than sometimes anxiety is still an issue (but not panic attacks). Oral is not your problem, the flashbacks you get while giving it are. I would seriously consider putting off a committed relationship until I worked on making myself whole if I were you. You may not have PTSD, but it is worth exploring with your therapist.

Good luck to you, you will be in my thoughts enigma



Sinergy -> RE: Fear of oral (6/5/2006 8:26:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinkee

Alot of Doms say They are into face-fucking, and that's fine, but i sometimes wonder how Many have the skills necessary not to asphyxiate the woman/man.  Face-fucking isn't a skill that's innate; it must be learnt.  The giver must be permitted enough air not to panic -- or die.
 


Actually, from a Dominant's perspective.  The general rule I keep to involves mastication and skin tone.  If she has not bitten Mr. Tiny off my body, and her skin color is still a lovely pink, then I assume she is enjoying the feeling of him slithering down her throat.

I personally think most men are born with an innate ability to stick their member into various orificidae.  The skill is really something which the recipient needs to have in order to take said member wherever the pervert she is with deems important to have it stuck in.

Having said that, I will reiterate that I am one of those weird people that feels if she is not enjoying what I am doing to/with her, Im not really going to demand she do it.

Just me, could be wrong, etc.

Sinergy



RavenMuse -> RE: Fear of oral (6/6/2006 3:16:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat
OK lets say Im NOT interested in EVER doing oral,
to the Doms out there, is that something you could live with??


Personaly no but they ARE out there sweetie, just a matter of finding them.



CrappyDom -> RE: Fear of oral (6/6/2006 7:49:03 AM)

So the choice between getting counseling to move past trauma so you can learn to give a common and greatly loved sexual pleasure is too much to ask of you?

Best of luck dearie but this would be a giant red flag for me.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Fear of oral (6/6/2006 8:39:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: iliv2servher

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

Ok here goes
I have a real issue with oral sex, bassically Im terrafied of it, most Doms insist on it yet it isnt something I am able to do at least not yet, what should i do?


I know a woman who was sexually violated at an early age, and oral copulation was a part of that violation.  The aftermath and the fear of those awful images has spanned over 30 years of her adult life.  I do not know if the trauma of that experiences is so powerful in her mind that she cannot or will not do it.  She's a female submissive and obviously needs to face and come to terms with that issue.  I believe that, with therapy, patience and kindness, and a willingness to move beyond that horrible incident which caused the phobia, it can be conquered.  However, it is not up to me or anyone else to work toward that breakthrough.  It is her decision to make, and her decision alone.



i am in the same exact situation, i was sexually abuse as a child and it also included oral. And to this day, i have a rather high gag reflex and some emotional issues as a result. However, this is an area that i do want help with, to over come the results of the abuse (similar to the thread on overcoming rape). So for prospective Doms and with the Top that i currently play with, i explain the situation and expect that my eventual Master will help me with this situation. In fact, the Top that i currently play with, does from time to time, help me with this, pushing the limit a bit, (ie some oral to the point of gagging, then backing off) and helping me with the emotions that come up.

It can be dealt with, it is a matter of whether you wish it to be dealt with or not. i do not want to stay victimized by events in my past, so i want to get past it. But how you deal with it, is up to you.

heartfelt



heartfeltsub -> RE: Fear of oral (6/6/2006 8:41:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat


While I know he is not the one that hurt me the moment I kneel down with his cock in my face I transform into that 5 yo the one so terrafied of whats to come I freeze. They are called flashbacks and Im unfortunate enough to suffer from them!!




You are also not alone in that. Again as i previously stated, to me, not making myself deal with it keeps me a victim of the person who sexually abused me, and i want to be free. What you and your partners do is up to you.

heartfelt



LL1aintbehavin -> RE: Fear of oral (6/6/2006 9:04:33 AM)

enigmabrat.
i feel the pain that you feel as i also had a hard sexual limit from the beginning.  i was raped anally from my husband, and medical complication ensued after.  i stated from the beginning that anal was a hard limit and would always remain so.  Many Dom's and Masters said that all holes will be used, no hard limit would be allowed.  well i walked away from them.
i met my Dom and told Him about my limit and why.  He understood and agreed and said that a good relationship was more important to Him than one small limit like that, and if He had to go the rest of His life without anal that was no problem as there was so many other things that could be enjoyed.
before moving in with Him real time, i ended up having two surguries to alleviate the problems i was still having.  He still never mentioned anal, was still respected as a hard limit as it was not just a physical problem it was an emotional one also.
it was me that began talking about the possibilities of trying it, slowly, with the knowledge that i had the control and was able to stop it at any time.  He agreed to slowly get me used to thinking of it not as a brutal painful act, but one that may be pleasureable.
with lots of time, tenderness, love and lots of lube i was able to do it and enjoy it.  the first time we did it i cried and cried after, as it felt like i had overcome the fear and the memories.  it is something i can do, but still have to go very slow.
my husDom is very proud of me, and i am proud of myself, but He states that He would be fine even now if i said i couldn't do it again.
it takes the desire that YOU want to be able to do this and someone that is okay even if you don't or that it doesn't work.
overcoming things that have happened in the past is not easy, and the desire to do it has to overcome the fear, and if that never happens then that is okay too.
be well and happy in whatever you decide to do.  there is so much more to any relationship than any one particular act.
aintbehavin




DelRey -> RE: Fear of oral (6/6/2006 10:47:34 AM)

No oral............ ack !!!!!

No Anal............Eeeeeeeeeeeks !!!
what is this board coming to?


Listen, If your not into giving oral to your Master then you just need to find a Master that don't enjoy getting head (good luck with that).   Point is its about your choice also, and if your choice is not to then you should stick to your guns just like you advised the sub that wasn't into anal, And you should also be up front about this issue like she was.

Personally when I know or when I can tell if a woman is not into giving head but "trying" anyway, I hate it. I know the underlying fact is "it's not a desire of hers" and frankly if a woman doesn't have the desire I don't want her down there and it's generally a big disappointment compared to the natural who has passion and wants it as bad as I want to get it. Which leads me to my last point:
   You can try, but you can be someone or something that your not.
   You should not expect someone else to be something they are not no matter how bad you need them to be.

Good Luck





MasterStoney442 -> RE: Fear of oral (6/7/2006 4:06:29 AM)

In reading all this , I see some thing that is wide spread in this . There are so many women out there that say they are abused or have been in the past . I think that is the issue. But then why if that is what it is are they in this life style ? There are many that say this life style is nothing but abuse. I am confused.
Some say that when they were kids the got spanked and that is abuse lol. Some say that they where forced to have sex,and that is abuse > some say that some one in there family made them do things to have with sex . Why are they in this life style ? The only abuse I can see is being here when you have these issues or some like them .
As a slave there are only the rights that are given you by your Master/Mistress. As a sub that differs . You tell me .



becca333 -> RE: Fear of oral (6/7/2006 4:11:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

OK lets say Im NOT interested in EVER doing oral,
to the Doms out there, is that something you could live with??


My first Dom gave the most brilliant oral, but didn't want to receive it - which totally suited me fine!  He was perfectly happy with anal instead, which was also fine by me.  Men are sweet, simple creatures - substitute one fun experience for another, and so long as he's getting plenty of action he'll be perfectly happy.



cuddleheart50 -> RE: Fear of oral (6/7/2006 4:11:56 AM)

The only fear of oral that I have is not getting any!



becca333 -> RE: Fear of oral (6/7/2006 4:15:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50

The only fear of oral that I have is not getting any!


MMMM yesssssssssssssss.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Fear of oral (6/7/2006 5:14:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterStoney442

In reading all this , I see some thing that is wide spread in this . There are so many women out there that say they are abused or have been in the past . I think that is the issue. But then why if that is what it is are they in this life style ? There are many that say this life style is nothing but abuse. I am confused.
Some say that when they were kids the got spanked and that is abuse lol. Some say that they where forced to have sex,and that is abuse > some say that some one in there family made them do things to have with sex . Why are they in this life style ? The only abuse I can see is being here when you have these issues or some like them .
As a slave there are only the rights that are given you by your Master/Mistress. As a sub that differs . You tell me .


Let me get this straight, you are saying because of experiences in our past that were not of our choosing (ie being raped, sexually or physically abused, etc.) we are not allowed to be interested in a BDSM lifestyle or have a submissive need. Am i reading that correctly?

After reading your comments, i am having a rather difficult time holding on to my temper, but i will try to calmly reply to your statements. Let me see if someone held you down as a small child and either gagged you with what to you was a HUGE cock or raped your ass, if you wouldn't classify those things as abuse and wouldn't be experiencing post traumatic shock as a result of those experiences, the same way that many returning from Vietnam suffered post traumatic shock as a result of their experiences in Vietnam. When most of us are talking about being abused, we are not talking about being spanked, but rather being physically beaten or raped, there is a HUGE difference.

And to say that we should not be in this lifestyle because of things that were done to us by others is not only assinine, but also would keep us in a victim's place something that most of us who have been abused in the past fight like hell to get out of. This lifestyle is not about abuse, and those of us who have really been abused usually know the difference.


As for your comment about slave and sub, the OP who started this thread does not claim to be a slave and therefore by your own words has the right to make oral a limit.



MasterStoney442 -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 5:49:12 PM)

N0 it was not . It was for the OP . So sorry .



MasterStoney442 -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 6:00:58 PM)

First off let me say this to you . We all have trauma in our lives. But does that mean we should let that take over us ?  I can see you only read what you want . So the only thing that is asinine is your comments on that in itself.
 
If you will talk with more then one person in this life style ,you will see that ,in most cases there has been some form of abuse done to them . So for me ,when they complain of it , Means that this is not for them .
But like you , I have my opinion and you have yours . That is fine go on and be you LOL.



mastersayed -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 6:03:55 PM)

I say everything is worth a try, try to overcome your fear, i know its hard but its possible. if you cant on your own, see a psychologist. if that doesnt help either, then list it as a hard limit. I enjoy my slave sucking on me but its not key to me, I think its not really key to alot of men, there are plent y of doms out there who wont mind.
Good Luck



theRose4U -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 6:17:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: enigmabrat

Ok here goes
I have a real issue with oral sex, bassically Im terrafied of it, most Doms insist on it yet it isnt something I am able to do at least not yet, what should i do?


Practice with popcicles. There are doms out there that won't care about oral but frankly the first time I heard a man moan in pleasure I knew I'd found something worth learning to do well.

Popcicles are non threatening objects...at least most think so. Find your favorite flavor and practice. If you ever decide to try it out make it clear that the man shouldn't put his hand on your head (leverage from the back allows their control of depth and may cause a gag reflex) then flavor your popcicle. Something that looks and tastes like a banana split it a lot less threatening than a giant trouser snake.

If it's something you really want to learn and still feel afraid turn the tables and tie him up then have your way...not terribly sub but very effective. 



juliaoceania -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 6:25:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterStoney442

First off let me say this to you . We all have trauma in our lives. But does that mean we should let that take over us ?  I can see you only read what you want . So the only thing that is asinine is your comments on that in itself.
 
If you will talk with more then one person in this life style ,you will see that ,in most cases there has been some form of abuse done to them . So for me ,when they complain of it , Means that this is not for them .
But like you , I have my opinion and you have yours . That is fine go on and be you LOL.


To answer your question... Most of my friends from the time I was in high school were sexually abused or physically abused as children. I think the ratio is probably the same from vanilla to bdsm. No one has done a definitive study I am sure.. but seeing that one girl in 4 will be sexually abused before she becomes an adult, it is a fairly ubiquitous problem. I wish someone would start a thread for those of us that were not abused as kids (I wasnt sexualized or abused as a child and I am a submissive) to see how many of us there are out there.. get a head count if you will



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