RE: Fear of oral

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enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 7:50:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom So the choice between getting counseling to move past trauma so you can learn to give a common and greatly loved sexual pleasure is too much to ask of you? Best of luck dearie but this would be a giant red flag for me. I never said it was too much to ask of me and if you would have read anything I wrote you would have seen i said that I am in counsling have been for 5 years... its not easy to get past and I may never be able to... I wonder how well you would deal with it if it had happend to you

enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 7:52:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub quote: ORIGINAL: iliv2servher quote: ORIGINAL: enigmabrat Ok here goes I have a real issue with oral sex, bassically Im terrafied of it, most Doms insist on it yet it isnt something I am able to do at least not yet, what should i do? I know a woman who was sexually violated at an early age, and oral copulation was a part of that violation. The aftermath and the fear of those awful images has spanned over 30 years of her adult life. I do not know if the trauma of that experiences is so powerful in her mind that she cannot or will not do it. She's a female submissive and obviously needs to face and come to terms with that issue. I believe that, with therapy, patience and kindness, and a willingness to move beyond that horrible incident which caused the phobia, it can be conquered. However, it is not up to me or anyone else to work toward that breakthrough. It is her decision to make, and her decision alone. i am in the same exact situation, i was sexually abuse as a child and it also included oral. And to this day, i have a rather high gag reflex and some emotional issues as a result. However, this is an area that i do want help with, to over come the results of the abuse (similar to the thread on overcoming rape). So for prospective Doms and with the Top that i currently play with, i explain the situation and expect that my eventual Master will help me with this situation. In fact, the Top that i currently play with, does from time to time, help me with this, pushing the limit a bit, (ie some oral to the point of gagging, then backing off) and helping me with the emotions that come up. It can be dealt with, it is a matter of whether you wish it to be dealt with or not. i do not want to stay victimized by events in my past, so i want to get past it. But how you deal with it, is up to you. heartfelt yes my gag reflex is so bad I cant even suck on a lolly that is bigger then those tiny dum dum

enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 7:55:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterStoney442 In reading all this , I see some thing that is wide spread in this . There are so many women out there that say they are abused or have been in the past . I think that is the issue. But then why if that is what it is are they in this life style ? There are many that say this life style is nothing but abuse. I am confused. Some say that when they were kids the got spanked and that is abuse lol. Some say that they where forced to have sex,and that is abuse > some say that some one in there family made them do things to have with sex . Why are they in this life style ? The only abuse I can see is being here when you have these issues or some like them . As a slave there are only the rights that are given you by your Master/Mistress. As a sub that differs . You tell me . just because people say this lifestyle is abuse doesnt mean it is you cant live by what others say

enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 8:00:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub quote: ORIGINAL: MasterStoney442 In reading all this , I see some thing that is wide spread in this . There are so many women out there that say they are abused or have been in the past . I think that is the issue. But then why if that is what it is are they in this life style ? There are many that say this life style is nothing but abuse. I am confused. Some say that when they were kids the got spanked and that is abuse lol. Some say that they where forced to have sex,and that is abuse > some say that some one in there family made them do things to have with sex . Why are they in this life style ? The only abuse I can see is being here when you have these issues or some like them . As a slave there are only the rights that are given you by your Master/Mistress. As a sub that differs . You tell me . Let me get this straight, you are saying because of experiences in our past that were not of our choosing (ie being raped, sexually or physically abused, etc.) we are not allowed to be interested in a BDSM lifestyle or have a submissive need. Am i reading that correctly? After reading your comments, i am having a rather difficult time holding on to my temper, but i will try to calmly reply to your statements. Let me see if someone held you down as a small child and either gagged you with what to you was a HUGE cock or raped your ass, if you wouldn't classify those things as abuse and wouldn't be experiencing post traumatic shock as a result of those experiences, the same way that many returning from Vietnam suffered post traumatic shock as a result of their experiences in Vietnam. When most of us are talking about being abused, we are not talking about being spanked, but rather being physically beaten or raped, there is a HUGE difference. And to say that we should not be in this lifestyle because of things that were done to us by others is not only assinine, but also would keep us in a victim's place something that most of us who have been abused in the past fight like hell to get out of. This lifestyle is not about abuse, and those of us who have really been abused usually know the difference. As for your comment about slave and sub, the OP who started this thread does not claim to be a slave and therefore by your own words has the right to make oral a limit. And no I am not slave In fact I know slaves that would fight and tell you that it isnt true that there only right are what their Masters tell them in fact I find as a hole there are very few sub slaves that give away taht type of controll in fact all of them i know have a few limits that their Masters exepted when getting involved it take a pretty big idiot to think that they can say what another can or cant do or have

enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 8:02:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterStoney442 First off let me say this to you . We all have trauma in our lives. But does that mean we should let that take over us ? I can see you only read what you want . So the only thing that is asinine is your comments on that in itself. If you will talk with more then one person in this life style ,you will see that ,in most cases there has been some form of abuse done to them . So for me ,when they complain of it , Means that this is not for them . But like you , I have my opinion and you have yours . That is fine go on and be you LOL. those that say that there are no effect on their present from their past aspecaily tramatic pasts are lieing to themsevls Im sorry but people that were abused maybe can get past it but you NEVER get over it

maybemaybenot -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 9:06:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: enigmabrat those that say that there are no effect on their present from their past aspecaily tramatic pasts are lieing to themsevls Im sorry but people that were abused maybe can get past it but you NEVER get over it enigmabrat: I would disagree with you on this one. You can get past it and you can get over it. You may not forget it, that is true. At some point in our lives we make a concious or unconscious decison whether we are going to let past events control us, or are we going to take control of them. I choose to take control over them and they have absolutely no power over me. Your answers won't come from this MB or a Dominant, they will come from within you. You need to make a concerted effort to be an active participant in your recovery and therapy. You need to feel whole and complete, which I get the feeling you do not. Have you gone to support groups or met with other survivors? Often times that is where we get the most knowledge. Similar to AA, you have a support group of people who have walked a similar path and are at differeing stages of recovery. mbmbn

LadyHugs -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 9:34:57 PM)
Dear enigmabrat, Ladies and Gentlemen; As a dominant, I don't require any sexual behavior that is uncomfortable for the slave, submissive and or bottom. There is more to pleasure and service than "oral" sex and or any other sort of sex. I take my thoughts about sex, as it seems to be what people dream about and base relationships on rather than the total package of a person. My mind's eye asks, if I would value the person even if they were suddenly sexually dysfunctional. I need to be able to say yes--otherwise, I put too much value on 'sex' rather than the person. Everybody has sexual preferences. Some would love to be able to do oral but, the mouth is so tiny its impossible or severe gag reactions. I know I do gag on orange juice pulp or something like that, so that is a consideration. Abuse or not, you need to be comfortable with your sensual self and or sexual self. Personally, if another person isn't enjoying it--then I don't want to do it. A lot of women in my age bracket were exposed to the sudden exposure to oral and anal sex, due to the movie "Deep Throat." A lot of excited men didn't know what they were doing and ruined the experience due to lack of patience and communication and research. I also remember how men wouldn't do oral on women--it was so one sided then. Things have changed in many ways. I think once men got it into the arse and had to do oral, they now have a clue (in general terms) how so many men in the past ruined a beautiful act of love and or sex. It is ok to say 'no' to a certain sexual act and or technique. As a dominant, I reject prospects if they think the lifestyle is about sex and or sex driven kink. Sex doesn't tow my cart of gear, the body does. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

CrappyDom -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 11:13:00 PM)
WARNING - I AM VENTING Oh how nice and fluffy but what a load of horseshit. There is a VAST difference between a physical limitation and a mental one, and if you can't tell the difference you REALLY have no business doing BDSM. Since you clearly missed the point of the ENTIRE conversation, we are not talking about over eager men watching porn, we are not talking about women with mouths too small, nor or we talking about orange juice pulp for gods sake. We are talking about a woman who clearly has trauma from childhood abuse, if this is news to you as it certainly seems, please reread the OP and the resultant threads, delete your post and try again. Then you ramble on about how many of us are poor sex addicts are unable to craft full relationships based on something more than sex. NO FUCKING SHIT. That is why many of us are saying being unable to deal with trauma like this is a red flag for someone being unable to deal with the past and move forward. It ain't about sex, it is about maturing and growing into a fully functioning adult able to distinguish between the past and the present. And YOU have the gall to hand out a CD? I think you need a name like mine but a REAL one!

fullofgrace -> RE: Fear of oral (6/11/2006 11:24:17 PM)
mbmbn...i have to disagree with you. some people never fully get past it or over it. it's possible, but not everyone is able to.

mons -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 3:19:53 AM)
greeting em I too was abuse by my brother someone who was suppose to help me and do thing for not to me. He was so yeck he abused me when i was little and again when i was 20 just after my mother passed away and to this day i have fear and i am a black woman of black men it is so sad not all are like that they have many of them who are great but i can not stand one to touch me and looking at a their penis makes me so ill i feel faint. I wonder if you made need therpay I never got over my fear. Abuse does that too you and i am so sorry you went through that if the abuser know how they desptry us they would not do it . best wishes mons/jane

sabswife -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 5:09:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: enigmabrat those that say that there are no effect on their present from their past aspecaily tramatic pasts are lieing to themsevls Im sorry but people that were abused maybe can get past it but you NEVER get over it i am assuming you mean about never getting over it, that you never forget it? if i am incorrect please let me know. as a result of an abusive relationship i had a terrible fear of oral, to the point of no chance am i ever going there EVER. no how, no way. then i met the right Dom who has guided me and taught me at my own pace, gotten me through a lot of issues and helped me understand what exactly what was going on in my mind. now i can and enjoy doing what i never thought i possibly would. i still can't swallow, but i do enjoy the act itself. i guess what i am saying is that i identify with your fear and wanted to let you know with the right partner and patience, it can be overcome.

slavejali -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 5:22:49 AM)
You gotta let go of the past lovey....do that by whatever means necessary. You dont want to live life as a dysfunctional woman, you are missing out on so much pleasure. I didnt read this entire thread, its too long....so whoever did whatever to you has put you in a cage of fear..are you gonna let them keep you trapped in it for the rest of your life? Go get some help... get over it and start to live like you deserve...happily and fear free.

maybemaybenot -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 5:24:53 AM)
fullofgrace: I agree that some do not get over it or past it. The point I was trying to make is exactly as you stated: It is possible. enigmabrat: I hope my post was not misunderstood. I was trying to say, that it does not always have to feel as it does now. That there is hope to live at peace with yourself. Keeping along the words slavejali said: Until you "let go" or come to peace with this, your abuser is still abusing you. Do not let one sick individual have power over your entire life. You couldn't stop himback then, you were a child. As an adult you now have the ability to reclaim what he took from you. mbmbn

ADomDoc -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 6:02:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom Oh how nice and fluffy but what a load of horseshit. There is a VAST difference between a physical limitation and a mental one, and if you can't tell the difference you REALLY have no business doing BDSM. Don't hold back, Crappy Dom ... tell us what you really think! :-) I've read the orig post & several others from enigmabrat ... also a few random posts to get the gist of the thread. It ain't worth it to me to read 5 pages of dribble. But in the smattering of posts I've read, I haven't seen one particular relevant idea. (Though, admittedly, the point may have been made & missed in my sampling.) IF & WHEN you get into a relationship that is important to you, and IF that Dom's happiness becomes a tantamount importance to you, then you might find you can get past this gradually. Example: My last slave of 9 yrs was sexually, emotionally & physically abused by her father from her age of 2 yrs thru 14 (when she beat the snot out of him). Her stories would compete w/ the worst stories any of you might have of your own. She would gag if her lips just touched a cock. So I never demanded oral from her. But, with time, and wanting to please me, she made small & gradually increasing efforts. Frankly, it was nothing I ever noticed until we talked about it years later. By that time she had taught herself to be incredibly good at deep throating. Lots of examples & stories I could tell, but they would only be detours from the point. What it comes down to was her personal incentive to get over her past & my patience along the way. It all could have been ruined by my grabbing her head & fucking her face. Nothing wrong w/ the counselling, but counselling won't keep you from panicking or gagging on a real cock. Once you get into a real relationship that means a lot to you, then explain it all to your Dom, and agree that if he doesn't force you or make any demands, you'll do what you can to get over the past & gradually (maybe over years) learn what he likes. Best of luck to you, ADomDoc San Antonio

mnottertail -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 6:26:42 AM)
I have a fear of even posting to people that have a fear of oral...... But here I am, if I can get over the fear, you can get over yours. You just gotta wanna.

fullofgrace -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 11:11:00 AM)
what bothers me is that this thread has spawned into 5 pages of people talking to hear themselves talk and having excuses to one-up each other. while i think that's great (and i've been guilty of it on other threads many times) this is a very serious issue and this poor woman is getting way too much confusing and sometimes irrelevant information. this is really not a question any of US can answer. it's something you HAVE to talk to a therapist - yours or a sex therapist - and your dominant (or future potential dominants) about. people who have never been through it and people who have but not exactly what you have with exactly the same psyche you have cannot tell you what you need to do. people who have been through sexual violence might be able to understand more, but still, what we have been through affects us differently than what you have been through affects you. the vast majority of us are not professionally trained in mental or sexual health, either. so...if i were the op, i'd disregard most of these posts, take away from the stories the hope that she can get past this fear (if she even wants to get past it) and go seek out someone she can really talk to one on one and come to trust who at least has some real chance of helping her with this particular issue.

candleTC -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 11:20:30 AM)
quote: Sweetheart, that's definitely a solid reason to stay away from oral. Any man who wouldn't respect that is not the kind of man you want to give yourself to in any way, you deserve better than to be forced into doing anything that brings back terrible memories and feelings. OooO.. do i have to ever disagree with this comment. This is not to start an arguement by ANY stretch of the imagination, so please take what i am going to say as merely my own views and opinions. The fact that she was abused as a young child is never a reason to "stay away" from something that, may later in life, be beneficial to her or her relationship. That goes with many other things, besides, just oral. Using her abuse as an excuse, is never a good thing. Please understand that my comments come from the heart and from experience. enigmabrat, hun... i have been there... i have stood right where you are now. In fact, when i came to oral, before EVER doing it for the first time, i had a complete list of rules that were to be adhered by, and at any time, ONE of those rules were broken, pushed or even violated, i was done. Blue balls, eh, i don't care. My rules were just this... : Do NOT touch my head for any reason whatsoever. Do NOT speak at all Do NOT move Do NOT and i mean DO NOT EVEN think you are going to cum anywhere on my face, let alone my mouth. Mainly, now that i look it on hindsite, what i was saying is " You may enjoy my mouth around your cock, however, this will not really be fun for either one of us. " Now with all of this being said, please understand that even up until the Master previous to Master TC, at least one or two of these rules still stood true, even though i was becoming more of a oral slut, then ever before. This all leads to the previous thread of " letting your past go" and the numerous "trust" threads that are around. i no longer have rules set out in regards to ANYthing of sexual nature or otherwise. i trust Master enough to know that He is not going to allow me to be left emotionally harmed in any situation. i trust Him enough for me to know that when He touches me during the "act of oral pleasure", even for His own benefit, it's nothing that i can't or won't get over. Nothing He does ever reflects on the people that have hurt me in the past. He is not them. I think alot of this comes with experience and yes, even growing up and understanding a few things about oneself. Yes, it takes going through a whole helluva lot of crap to get to the point, where you can leave your past, right where it belongs.... the past.... i am getting closer, everyday, with the guidance of Master. i am able to throw many of my fears and inhabitions to the curb, allowing myself to grow more and more everyday. enigmabrat, please heed these words if you have not read anything else i have said..... give yourself time to grow and heal.. work on finding a Dominant who understands these things about you and He is willing to help you grow and heal. When finding a Dominant, it is ABSOLUTELY crucial you hold nothing back from Him. It will then be up to Him to find it in Himself, to either send you away, due to His own selfish reasons, or even if He feels like He isn't capable of helping you deal with your "baggage" ( which is a very NOT selfish reason to send someone away ). But, you will eventually luck out and find a Master, who will take this as an opprutunity to help you. It takes time, patience, trust, understanding, trust, love, honesty, did i say trust?? i wish you well on your journey, and always around if you need to talk. beth

NastyDaddy -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 12:07:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: enigmabrat yes my gag reflex is so bad I cant even suck on a lolly that is bigger then those tiny dum dum http://www.deepthroatexpert.com Anna, just a normal 21yo girl from the Netherlands made DeepThroatExpert.com for people that love to see and (would like to) pratice deep throat. quote: ''I learned to deep throat a few years ago. And it gave me and the men I was with ;-) a lot of pleasure. You can find here all sorts of info, images and stories on Deep Throat. I hope you'll enjoy your stay here!'' The site above is by a girl named Anna, perhaps it may help?

candleTC -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 12:18:40 PM)
Did she not come to a public forum asking for public opinion, advice or whatever... did she not come here hoping she could find someone that she could possibly relate too, easing her fears of feeling alone in this matter?? Yes, i understand that alot of people have taken this to add thier snide comments and what not, however, we must remember that we are in a public forum.. everyone is going to add thier own "twist and turns" to the OP's original post. It is up to her to take what she needs out of it, and run with it. And sometimes, believe it or not, therapy is not always the best solution.. it's finding the right person to hold her hand and walk her through and aid her in her OWN healing... sometimes, that's not even in sympathy, but empathy.... big difference.....

enigmabrat -> RE: Fear of oral (6/12/2006 4:27:28 PM)
Ok I feel I need to clarafie a few things here. One is that I am not disfunctional or unhappy.. I am a straight A B student thriveing in school and am for the most part happy. Another is that it isnt that I CANT get past this because time heals all what i think those that have responded to this is that the abuse though it starrted when I was 5 didnt end till I was nearly 21 and I just turned 22 in April so in fact it hasnt been very long at all since the abuse has stoped and I havent had a lot of time to heal. it takes more then 2 years and some therapy to heal the damage that 15 years of abuse does to a person.

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