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Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 8:50:09 AM

nashsub4fun

Posts: 20
Joined: 8/13/2011
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My apologizes if this has been addressed at another time.

i am married to a very vanilla man who is not interested in the lifestyle so i get my needs met away from home. For the past few months, i have been in a long distance M/s relationship with frequent times together. i know what i am doing is no different than having a vanilla affair so that part is wrong. What i struggle with is the idea that i am not getting my vanilla/lifestyle needs met at home and trying not to feel guilty because i get ignored at home. i love my husband but am not "in live" with him and not sexually attracted to him. Not only am i not sexually attracted, but i am repulsed by him. During our 12 year marriage he has gained more than 250 pounds and now weighs in excess of 400 pounds. There is nothing there for me. If you have every known someone morbidly obese, you are aware of all that includes.....body odors, public stares, secondary health issues, etc....

He is not interested in changing and i am not interested in a divorce but i want my needs met! i have tried numerous occasions during our marriage to address this issue with him but nothing works. i've tried, crying, yelling, begging, pulling out the parent card, pulling out the "if you love me and our daughter" card, and even scripture. Nothing works. I know his weight has nothing to do with whether or not he loves me, our daughter, or his parents enough but if he loves himself enough. Obviously, he does not. The last conversation we had, i asked him what he intends to do about it and his reply was "nothing". That is when i made up my mind to search elsewhere for my fulfillment.

i struggle with the idea that i am committing adultery although some would validate it because of my husband's lack of care for himself.

Thanks for letting me rant this morning - I just needed to get that off my chest.

Post #: 1

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:00:19 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I don't understand why, if you are repulsed by him, you don't get divorced. If it is because of your religion, it's not against christianity to get a divorce except under catholicism. Most of christianity has no problem with divorce if for the right reasons. I would say yours is a valid reason. If it is because of the children then again I think you would have a valid reason to take them out of the current marriage simply because of his health. Do you want your children to take on his habits and to become like him? Children pick up the habits of their parents many times.

I personally would not want someone to be with me if they found me repulsive and especially if they're cheating on me. It also sounds like he wouldn't care one way or the other if you leave. He's depressed and has self esteem issues. You can't fix him. Only he can fix himself and he has no plans to do so.

The cheating however, is bad, no matter how bad the situation. Either leave the marriage or tolerate your marriage if you won't leave.

_____________________________

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(in reply to nashsub4fun)

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RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:07:53 AM

MrBukani

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Joined: 4/18/2010
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Its like an addiction, as long as the person wont admit there is a problem there is little you can do to change it.
But deep inside all addicts admit it.
The struggle to regain yourself is just too hard.
I remember a guy addicted to speed. And I kept askin relentlessly what was important to him.
In the end he admitted it was love, give and take.
We all want a partner and confidant.
It helped for a while.
He didnt commit suicide.
But he is still lost a bit.
Athough I do remember the good times and what an awesome person he really was.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 3

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:17:41 AM

mynxkat

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Joined: 5/7/2011
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Mostly, I agree with littlewonder here.

I'll also add that staying in the marriage 'for the sake of the children' is not healthy for the kids. Does he pay attention to them, or ignore them like he does you? And hearing the two of you argue is not good for them, even if you wait til they're in bed and supposedly asleep they hear you arguing.

It's also apparent that he doesn't share your religious values, given that he is no longer upholding his own religously prescribed duties in the marriage.

You say that you love your husband, but I'd argue that in that case you're lying to yourself. You may still love the man he once was, but that's not who he is now. And by your own admission, you do NOT love the man he's become.

If you're adamant about not divorcing him, why not try a separation? It might shake him up enough that he actually realizes that he needs to make some changes. I doubt it, and if it doesn't, then you can decide whether to proceed with a divorce or remain married in name only, or move back to him and deal with the unhealthy environment for you and your children.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 4

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:24:58 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
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FR~

The physical and legal act of divorce is often frowned on, and even in christian sects that accept it, it weighs heavily. But I ask you to think long and hard on a different perspective.

If your husbnd has already emotionally checked out of the marriage, if he has ignored the tenants of marriage, the agreement to love honor ect, if he no longers cares to look after you emotionally and physically the way he should, why do you feel it is still a marriage at all?

I would ask you this, if he refuses to go to a marriage counselor with you, refuses to admit anything is even wrong let alone care that something is wrong, then you have two choices: Accept what he is now, and who he is, or leave.

You need not divorce on the spot, but leaving the house and taking the child with you will help you decide if you can be happier without him, than you are with him.

(in reply to mynxkat)

Post #: 5

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:27:36 AM

MsSylverdawn

Posts: 147
Joined: 9/26/2011
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Okay.. if your looking for us to tell you its ok.. ITS OKAY.. but

Clearly you are not okay with it being okay... and thats the rub charlotte..

I would suggest you talk to your pastor.. or a doctor.. or a therapist.. I would suggest you tell you husband that you need for him tocome with you .. because you are having serious life issues that D/s will not solve.. and those issues have little or nothing to do with sex... if you love your husband as you say you do .. you have a partner in crisis.. and a daughter growing up in choas.. focus on your family fix it or find a way to get it fixed ... for the mental phyiscal and spiritual health of your family and yourself.

(in reply to mynxkat)

Post #: 6

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:28:29 AM

Lockit

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If you are struggling now... wait until later on and the guilt has eaten you because you 'did' the wrong thing. Because another is doing wrong... by his addictions or illness and not seeking assistance or change, he has in a sense abandoned you and himself. You cannot justify what you are doing because of what he has done, but you can clear the matter up. I do believe there is provision in the bible for a separation and maybe even divorce. Still, your needs would not be served during that time if it were separation or not being married to whomever you are sexual with. (According to how I read the bible.) However, some view the abandonment equal to cheating on the spouse. It is all in how you look at what you're finding in the bible.

Then of course, there is the aspect of what harm is being done. Is this a spiritual struggle that you find yourself in sin with because of his abandonment? Then you must do what you must do... that is right and good in your eyes and not a sin... so that you don't continue to compromise your walk.

I do believe it is better to make a clean break and face whatever you must face for it than to continuously sin in your own eyes and ruin your life here and the hereafter.

*From a former believer that was in the ministry... been there, done that, had the wounds that proved it... but also... the healing. I got out! I am not sorry and I don't believe I am condemned for saving my children and self. My lack of belief has nothing to do with this.

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(in reply to MrBukani)

Post #: 7

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:29:16 AM

graceadieu

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Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mynxkat

Mostly, I agree with littlewonder here.

I'll also add that staying in the marriage 'for the sake of the children' is not healthy for the kids. Does he pay attention to them, or ignore them like he does you? And hearing the two of you argue is not good for them, even if you wait til they're in bed and supposedly asleep they hear you arguing.

Yeah, that's very true. Kids are more observant than they seem, and can tell that their home is an unhappy one and their parents dislike/resent each other, even if you try to hide the details from them. And that's just not good for them. Yes, divorce is hard on kids - but so is this.

(in reply to mynxkat)

Post #: 8

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:37:46 AM

paulfrmfra

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To put a different spin on this, there comes a point when staying married says something about you. You now have another relationship going on, you're being fulfilled by it. Your husband must know this. Are you still hoping that he can somehow loose the weight and once again become the man that you married? I'm sorry, but that boat has sailed a long time ago. The days of "for better or for worse" are not as absolute as they once were.

Also, I don't want to appear callous. It is not easy what you're going through on many levels. But there comes a time when one must look after themselves, and not continue to be brought down by others effecting them.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 9

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:39:17 AM

hellionsLight

Posts: 241
Joined: 10/18/2011
From: Kearney, NE
Status: offline

I see if it's gonna make things worse to stay married, why not get a divorce?

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(in reply to nashsub4fun)

Post #: 10

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:41:32 AM

bighappygoth39

Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline

I totally agree with what has already been said. I've been in a similar situation, and it's very easy to stay put because of the children, but in the end, they're the ones who will suffer the most if the unease isn't resolved.
You might think you can hide it from them, or things will get better, but from what you've said, they won't. Not unless something is said. That has to be your first attempt, if you feel there is something worth saving.
On the other hand, if you feel that there is nothing there to save, then you have no choice but to put an end to the marriage. Nobody will think bad of you for ending it under the circumstances, but if you keep living this lie, they will.
It sounds like your husband has lost his way, so you have to be the one to sort things out. It might be difficult, but you'll feel much better in the end.
As for the Christianity thing, I can only imagine that it must make things more difficult, but even more important to get things sorted.

I never got to the stage of cheating on my husband, but I knew I'd end up meeting someone eventually, so I had to end my marriage before it got to that. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but for your own sanity, it will be worth it, and for your children's well being as well.

Feel free to message me if you need to and good luck.

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Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

(in reply to mynxkat)

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RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:48:30 AM

MrBukani

Posts: 1920
Joined: 4/18/2010
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I do not really like askin questions in giving advise.
Most will be rethorical.
But to get on the band wagen

Who do you love unconditionly?

That was a another rethorical question.

(in reply to bighappygoth39)

Post #: 12

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 9:56:28 AM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

I would recommend cutting ties with the man you are having the affair with, then deciding whether you still want to be in the marriage or not. Cut ties completely and spend some time alone while dealing with your marriage and making your decision. The rush of excitement that comes with the affair can mask your true feelings or cloud your thoughts.

I don't blame you for what you've done, and I'm not saying cut off the affair because it's wrong. I'm saying, cut off the affair and figure out what you want, first, before you start bringing another man into the mix.

You know you can't continue having an affair. Make it as right as you can, one way or another.

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 3/18/2012 9:57:23 AM >

(in reply to nashsub4fun)

Post #: 13

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 10:10:17 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: paulfrmfra

To put a different spin on this, there comes a point when staying married says something about you. ... The days of "for better or for worse" are not as absolute as they once were.

They are for some of us.

OP - I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you made some vows when you married him. Not sure if you used the standard ones or if you wrote your own, but you made them.

I'm a believer that my word means something. If you aren't going to act as if you are in a marriage, then don't BE in a marriage. He deserves better than a wife who cheats on him, and you deserve better than to be a cheater.

< Message edited by searching4mysir -- 3/18/2012 10:13:00 AM >

(in reply to paulfrmfra)

Post #: 14

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 10:10:32 AM

JeffBC

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From: Canada
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"Adultery" is a biblical word so I leave it to the christians to figure out if you're a sinner.

Lying and deception, however, are not. If he does not know about this and you think he probably would like to know (an almost guaranteed fact), then you are, at a bare minimum, being manipulative and deceptive and dishonorable. Whether or not you think it's excusable is between you and yourself. I do not. I cannot imagine why I would knowingly get involved at any level with someone who fit those words.

No, it is not OK for you to be dishonorable -- not in my book and honestly, not in the book of any honorable man. You might ponder where that leaves you.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to nashsub4fun)

Post #: 15

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 10:15:45 AM

OsideGirl

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Cutting to the chase...

So, you'd rather lie than be honest?

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Post #: 16

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 10:18:18 AM

MrBukani

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Lets get Socrates on this.

Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and protect her/him, forsaking all others and holding only unto her/him?

Somebody who cant protect or honor his loved one has forsaken marital vows.

Can he protect you from lets say a buglar?

"I __ , take thee __ , to be my (wife/husband) to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you.."

Sick?

If someone refuses to get better he is forsakin marital vows.

Cause they want to be sick.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 17

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 10:54:26 AM

JeffBC

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From: Canada
Status: offline

... None of which changes anything.

HIS behavior is his behavior. Her behavior is hers. My own personal view of honor allows her to void the contract due to his non-compliance (or really, any other reason). It's the WAY that she's doing it which is, to me, dishonorable.

If she thinks he's too fat to have sex with I'm really fine with that. If she then wants to get some nookie on the side... kinky or not... I'm fine with that too. What I'm not fine with is the whole deception bit. How about, "You're too fat to fuck so I'm getting my kicks online." as an approach?

You can get Socratic all you want. I'm not enough of an intellectual to rationalize blatant deception and manipulation.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to MrBukani)

Post #: 18

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 10:59:58 AM

MrBukani

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Ok I revise my statement.
I mean you get into a relationship with expectations.
If those expectations are violated there is something wrong.
I mean it like this.
You cant help it if your spouse gets hit by a drunk driver.
You can blame someone for lying, cheating and eating like a pig not caring for themself or another.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 19

RE: Marriage, Christianity and BDSM Conflicts - 3/18/2012 11:03:10 AM

MrBukani

Posts: 1920
Joined: 4/18/2010
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I wonder if this OP comes back to inform us psychology majors.

Seems sometimes we are more into justifying ourselves then really helping another person.
I would never ask for advise on a forum.
I know what some sockpuppets are like.
Trolls and all you know.
Maybe I am just as guilty.

(in reply to MrBukani)

Post #: 20

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