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ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Sounds to me like it's not just him but both of you causing this problem. He needs therapy for his depression and probably meds and you both need to hire a hoarder type counselor who will come into the home and teach you both how to keep it clean not just physically but mentally. They will teach you what such squalor will do to a person and the way they view the world. You two really really need to find someone like that.

If you both can't do these steps then you both will be living like the hoarders in about 10 years like you see on the tv shows.

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ORIGINAL: IrishMist


I was going to comment, but I think. instead, that I will just keep my mouth shut.

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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

So, you are saying that he's TALKING about working but too lazy to work around the house, and he admits it. Which part is his, exactly?

It sounds like even SMALL things like throwing away his trash will make a big difference. Work on that. I am reasonably certain that after work breaks he is not allowed to leave his mess at his workstation or in the break room.

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ORIGINAL: ShaharThorne

TFB, we are still dealing with my father's shit and he passed on about 5 years ago. I finally got Mom to sell the farm equipment that we were never going to use that was just getting rusty. I admit that I am similar to a hoarder, especially with books, crochet patterns and yarns. I learned it from my father thinking that I will use it one day. (He learned it from his dad who survived the

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One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to ShaharThorne)

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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

There is a difference between clutter and GARBAGE. He has to learn that. I hate to use this word, but you are enabling his bad habits, and using depression as an excuse. My meds and I get shit done. He can too.

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ORIGINAL: mynxkat

Make it a rule NEVER to buy anything cute or crafty on the spot. When you're looking at some oh so cute craft item, make it a rule that you never buy it right then. Wait a week. Then, if you still feel that you just MUST have that piece of fabric, then you can go get it. If you haven't bought ANYTHING cute or crafty or useless in a week, then put $10 (or 15 or 20, depending how how much you're spending NOW on stuff that you won't actually ever use) into a jar or tin or something. Combine that with the money you get from recycling bottles and cans, and treat yourself to a spa day or something once or twice a year.

When you're clearing stuff out, if you're worried about possibly throwing out something useful to someone, donate stuff to a charity shop. Freecycle is great, but it can result in stuff continuing to sit around and clutter up your space forever.

As for the mess and clutter your man makes, I gotta admit I'd be strongly inclined to let my inner bitch out to play. He doesn't put his stuff away? Fine, it gets tossed. He leaves trash all over the place? Pile it on his side of the bed. Not on the floor, ON THE BED. When he just sweeps it onto the floor, put it back on his side of the bed, under the covers. Next, put the trash under the fitted sheet AND under the covers. When he screams about it tell him "It's going to stay on your side of the bed until YOU throw it away. All of the trash you leave around will be put on YOUR side of the bed, from now on, until you throw it away." However... these sorts of tactics are really seriously not acceptable if YOU'RE doing the same things. So get yourself together and learn some new habits before you even start to consider retribution tactics like this.

Rule: I've done something similar a couple of times. Picked up and moved halfway across the nation with no more than would fit into my car and still leave room for me and my cat. The first time was traumatic, I just couldn't imagine how I was going to live without all the stuff I was getting rid of.

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ORIGINAL: mynxkat

TFTB, I hate to say this, but I think Killerangel may have nailed it.

You need to decide, for yourself, what kind of environment you want to live in. If you want to live in a clean home, then YOU (not him, not us, not a hired maid) need to figure out what YOU need to DO (not just talk about, not think about, but actually get UP and get moving and DO) to achieve it. Find a friend who is willing to come and be moral support for getting the place clean. Don't ask them to do anything but be in the same room and chat with you while you work.

Remember that it takes at least ONE MONTH to establish a new habit. For some people it can take longer (I know that for me it takes nearly two months to get a new habit truly well established). Keep after doing a bit here and bit there picking up every single day for at least a month. Maybe start a journal of what you've done that day to help remind you and keep you motivated. I skimmed the FLYLady site and there are really great techniques for establishing new good habits there. Give it a try.

Make it a rule NEVER to buy anything cute or crafty on the spot. When you're looking at some oh so cute craft item, make it a rule that you never buy it right then. Wait a week. Then, if you still feel that you just MUST have that piece of fabric, then you can go get it. If you haven't bought ANYTHING cute or crafty or useless in a week, then put $10 (or 15 or 20, depending how how much you're spending NOW on stuff that you won't actually ever use) into a jar or tin or something. Combine that with the money you get from recycling bottles and cans, and treat yourself to a spa day or something once or twice a year.

When you're clearing stuff out, if you're worried about possibly throwing out something useful to someone, donate stuff to a charity shop. Freecycle is great, but it can result in stuff continuing to sit around and clutter up your space forever.

As for the mess and clutter your man makes, I gotta admit I'd be strongly inclined to let my inner bitch out to play. He doesn't put his stuff away? Fine, it gets tossed. He leaves trash all over the place? Pile it on his side of the bed. Not on the floor, ON THE BED. When he just sweeps it onto the floor, put it back on his side of the bed, under the covers. Next, put the trash under the fitted sheet AND under the covers. When he screams about it tell him "It's going to stay on your side of the bed until YOU throw it away. All of the trash you leave around will be put on YOUR side of the bed, from now on, until you throw it away." However... these sorts of tactics are really seriously not acceptable if YOU'RE doing the same things. So get yourself together and learn some new habits before you even start to consider retribution tactics like this.

Rule: I've done something similar a couple of times. Picked up and moved halfway across the nation with no more than would fit into my car and still leave room for me and my cat. The first time was traumatic, I just couldn't imagine how I was going to live without all the stuff I was getting rid of.

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day or something once or twice a year.

When you're clearing stuff out, if

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ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Tftb,

You can not change anyone.
You can not make him want to help out.

I gave you suggestions.

Did you even look at the first website I posted?

Because what I heard from you was you needed help to get it to that point.
No you don't.
She gives you a plan on how to get there.

You said you found someone who would be willing to help fold and put away your clothes as part of cleaning help?
Why can't you fold and put away your clothes yourself?

You say he agrees that both people should be pitching in.
No, he doesn't, not really.
You want him to pitch in and when you tell him he just points his finger at you and your clutter and mess...and you point your finger at him.

There is no agreement on what he believes he should help with.
His words don't have the actions to back them up with but then again, neither do yours.

Who does the laundry?
If you are the one who does it (or is that something your mother does?) then don't pick up his clothes to wash them.
Sooner or later he will learn that if he wants clean clothes he has to put the dirty ones in the hamper... .

The only person who is responsible for any of your mess is you.
Keep your mess cleaned up and stop using his messiness as an excuse to have clutter.
If you haven't used something in a year, then you need to find another permanent home for it... and that means not putting it into storage.

Don't buy new fabric when you have old fabric, don't buy yarn or crafty things.

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a country thing, as an excuse that was pretty weak and I suppose I could hav