RedMagic1
Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: subbyinlosangele
I think it's just as likely, or probably more likely, it was the other way around. That the dom was pushing her to do stuff she didn't want to, and he was trying to fit her into some formula of what he thought a submissive should be, rather than engaging her on a personal level.
Also, the OP made no mention of desire sexual sadism -- not all submissives do. I don't see that your opinion is much related to anything the OP wrote -- seems like you are just projecting based on your own situation, not hers.
I realize this is the more standard interpretation. And, judging from how most of the thread has been moving, there is nearly a consensus position supporting your view. However, you are all wrong. I'll break things down a bit in an attempt to explain myself better. From the OP:
quote:
im more aligned to Ms than kinky sex but im having a problem understanding why im finding it hard to align to a kinky sex relationship when kink is what we all do anyway.
it might be that my submission hasnt kicked in and without it im not so willing so submit to certain things (rimming being a specific) or endless BJ's - frankly it gets boring after half an hour!
There's no dynamic except in the bedroom, she refuses to perform a sex act that vanilla couples perform for each other, and another sex act that he clearly enjoys is boring for her. Assuming he can't/won't change on his own, specific things she could do to improve the situation would include:
1. Helping to inspire an Ms dynamic in the daily routine, for example by asking permission to perform personal things. "May I use the restroom now, Sir?" "Would you prefer the door to the restroom open or closed while I pee, Sir?" Most sexually dom guys would start to move with that.
2. Making rimming into a sensual service. She gets a fluffy washcloth and warm soapy water, cleans him thoroughly, with kisses and nibbles, and then, when the area is disinfected and scent free, she rims him. If the smell returns, she sensuosly cleans some more, then continues. Most guys would be in heaven here. If he wouldn't accomodate that, he's a jackass.
3. Buying a FleshLight and using that for a while too, and/or suggesting they build a reclining chair so he could be seated in a regular chair and she could be seated below him, between his legs. There are couples who have this, so the M can be working at the computer in the home office, and the s can be sucking him off for an extended period of time without neck or back pain.
Instead of discussing things she has tried to offer as solutions, she seems to be saying I'm not feeling it because he doesn't have that dominant energy.
The issue here, in my eyes, is the difference between submission and followership. Submission can be captured by the advice "obey." People say that is all one needs to be a good slave, but I think that is wrongheaded. I consider followership to be at least as difficult a skill to cultivate as leadership. The difference between submission and followership is that submission is passive obedience, whereas followership is an active commitment to build a relationship from below. That's what I see lacking in her OP (and her subsequent posts). And, whether she stays with this guy or not, it's a skill she needs to cultivate in herself if she wants a healthy multi-year Ds relationship.
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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec
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