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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Actually, I'm not voting pro here.  I was thinking more of finding someone in another location that has your kind of endurance level that is based in a city with a few major lifestyle events a year.  If you've ever been to a three day event, you can tell that's where your resource pool is for those who can definitely hack the kind of longevity of play that you are looking for.  (Why do you think we're always so tired when the event is over?)  Also, I think you'd be more likely to find someone with the experience level that you desire, though it may not exactly match yours.  If you could find an arrangement with someone surrounding such events, viola.  Problem solved.

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I don't suppose this was that cool outfit that you started the thread about some time back?  OK, that part is none of My business, but I just wanted to know because it looked neat.

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Even eight hours would have had to be negotiated very well.  I'm thinking of this from the top's point of view.  Being unfamiliar with someone is going to make a difference and you're basically talking about a first play time together, ever.  There's a certain additional level of caution associated with that.

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ORIGINAL: mummyman321


I know the scenrio sounded rather risky for a first time meet. I can say the Domme was well versed with latex outfits. And I can also say she has experience in overnight bondage. We did discuss medical safety. Had a communication protcol setup. I also had a remote alarm I could use (think keychain size). I guess there is always the chance to meet an insane person. I did not feel that this was that risky as this was only to be a tryout of how long I could be in it comfortably. We were not planning any other type of play with this item, this time around.

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha
If it's difficult to meet people to connect with and you were far along with this particular person and your expectations were not met because she backed out of the day-of-bondage, it sounds like you should at least investigate what ruined the chemistry with this particular partner instead of trying to find a new partner. She had all the other qualities you were seeking after all. And if just her desire to do something else for that day means she's "off the list" for future, does that say that basically if a woman isn't ready to put your all-day-bondage at the top of the list for you, they get taken off your list?

Babysitting a man in immobile bondage all day isn't my idea of a relaxing vacation either, and I'm a bondage freak. Find out why she soured on the idea. Were you talking so much about it that she got turned off and felt like she was being used? If she was into it, then wasn't, what went wrong? Isn't this worth finding out? Why throw the baby out with the bathwater?

Many years ago I had planned a few weekend get-away type scenarios with fellow kinksters, and if in our planning stages he became fixated on 'one thing' at the total loss of everything else, including me, (or, he was obviously trying hard to pretend not to, but I knew where his dick was pointing), I removed that one thing. Just like when I am walking the dog and he gets fixated on a plant or another dog, I walk the other way or give a leash correction.

If you had a "transaction" arranged up front, then call it what it is - a $3000 vacation in exchange for one day of bondage, but book it with a pro. If you are embarking on a potential relationship, don't get upset if she pulls the rug out on your bondage day, at least try to find out why she lost interest. If it's salvageable, why start all over again with someone totally new?

Akasha

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ORIGINAL: mummyman321
This is really the heart of what I wanted to ask. How does a very experienced person go find another person that has that type of skill set? And no I do not expect and answer that will solve my particular problem. Really just wanted idea generation for people that in a situation simlar to me. It is not as easy as just attending munches at local events. As you get older the pool so to speak to choose from gets much smaller. Add a particular fetish or two and that pool gets really small. I really had not thought of the large events. Its been a while since I did those things. Too bad I just missed this years NYC Rubber Ball. That event is really kick ass :)

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I know the scenrio sounded rather risky for a first time meet. I can say the Domme was well versed with latex outfits. And I can also say she has experience in overnight bondage. We did discuss medical safety. Had a communication protcol setup. I also had a remote alarm I could use (think keychain size). I guess there is always the chance to meet an insane person. I did not feel that this was that risky as this was only to be a tryout of how long I could be in it comfortably. We were not planning any other type of play with this item, this time around.

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ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Mummy, get your ass and your toy to LA and book a cheap place, I keep you in bondage for a day, but I draw the line at wearing latex or leather in this weather

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I really cannot answer why she changed her mind. It is rather baffling to me.

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Many years ago I had planned a few weekend get-away type scenarios with fellow kinksters, and if in our planning stages he became fixated on 'one thing' at the total loss of everything else, including me, (or, he was obviously trying hard to pretend not to, but I knew where his dick was pointing), I removed that one thing. Just like when I am walking the dog and he gets fixated on a plant or another dog, I walk the other way or give a leash correction.

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ORIGINAL: kalikshama

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I really cannot answer why she changed her mind. It is rather baffling to me.

Do you think what AAkasha mentioned might have been going through her head?

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Many years ago I had planned a few weekend get-away type scenarios with fellow kinksters, and if in our planning stages he became fixated on 'one thing' at the total loss of everything else, including me, (or, he was obviously trying hard to pretend not to, but I knew where his dick was pointing), I removed that one thing. Just like when I am walking the dog and he gets fixated on a plant or another dog, I walk the other way or give a leash correction.

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ORIGINAL: mummyman321

What is an experienced sub to do?

After 25+ years in BDSM I have wants and needs too. I do not consider myself a masochist but on the other hand I have an extreme high endurance level (no I do not mean sex). I am a larger person and can take quite a lot. I have not done everything but I have done a lot. Not going into details here. Lets just say 4 hours to me is a warm up. 6 to 8 hours is a good workout. 12 to 18 is a very good night. I am into more than mummification. So I am not just meaning a mummification scene. I can go the distance on an X-frame or other toys as well.

Here is my question. How the hell does a very experienced submissive find a Domme who can play at his level? You need to read above (not just the bold) to understand what I mean by level.

Before you tell me to attend a munch please look where I live. I am in Cincinnati. And if you have never been here its the most anti BDSM city in the US. You cannot even find a ProDomme in this area that has half my experience. Seriously….where do you go and look to find a Domme that fits this bill?

Okay fire away. Anyone is free to respond as always. But I am interested in responses from people who are more experience and can understand my predicament.

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ORIGINAL: MissToYouRedux

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ORIGINAL: mummyman321

... I was fully willing to accept the risk of meeting someone and there being no chemistry. This might be hard for some to understand but if that did occur, and I did get spend a weekend with the Domme and get to talk about the lifestyle, I would have been okay with that.
...

Um, no you really wouldn't have, would you? It all fell apart because she didn't want to spend one-third of her time with you (or vacation time, if you prefer) having you in bondage. ("1 of the 3 days I would be kept in bondage the whole day"). Two hours into that day she could have just as easily decided she was bored, released you from the bondage, and then what would have been your response?

As disappointing as it was, I personally see it as incompatibility, not necessarily a Domme who can't play at your level. Won't isn't necessarily the same as can't.

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha


Here is my answer to your basic question. What you have to realize is that even if a femdom is into various extreme kinds of play - even at your level or beyond - it does not mean she does so casually, and there is always still a courtship process that cannot be fasttracked in the interest of determining extreme kinky play compatibility.

Vanilla analogy? If a man is wildly demanding sexually in bed, he still can't bed his new lady friend on night one to determine if there's going to be chemistry; it still has to start with kissing, foreplay, candlelight dinners. Unless he is EXTREMELY lucky and met a woman who likes to go straight to third base with near strangers for the rush of it all.

I can't speak for all femdoms, nor can I speak for all women. But when it comes to physical, intimate play, whether it be bondage or anything else, I still like play to "progress" and I don't do extreme things, generally, in early stages of courtship. For one, what's the rush? For two, I like to know a man's reactions. Third, I like to peel the process like an onion, and discovery is a wonderful thing. If I met a man with whom I shared tremendous chemistry who also shared my bondage kinks AND had access to all kinds of crazy gear, I wouldn't go faster - I would go slower. I would relish every little step. Even handcuffs turn me on. A rubber straitjacket. An inflatable gag.

If I got the sense this was "boring" my bondage bon bon, and all he was doing was squirming there pretending to be into it so I would finally zip him into the vacuum bed, which I was still getting my head around, once again, you would see chemistry go POOF. Again, I would be reduced to a prop. When I tie up a vanilla guy who finds "helplessness" to be "strangely exciting in a roller coaster kind of way," his reaction to my arousal is what turns me on - his helplessness is a gift to me. If a bondage masochist can't at least get his head around TRYING to present his helplessness to me in a manner that is not literally oozing in self indulgence, how is a woman who is sadistic, or controlling, or gets off on power, going to get a morsel of enjoyment from that? Unless of course, she is MADLY in love with him and doing it out of sheer devotion - or, being paid.

Women are wired different than men. If you want to go from 0 to 60 with a wildly kinky woman you have to pay a pro for the luxury of skipping the courtship process. And I am not necessarily talking about flowers and dinners, I am talking about bondage courtship - going at her pace. You can't find casual partners for extreme BDSM that easily. Women who have extreme tastes probably also have specific itches that need to be scratched and they will want to know your play style and what you provide them as a bottom.

Akasha

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ORIGINAL: mummyman321


Aakasha,
I do not disagree at all with what you are saying here. Yes the courtship needs to happen. And no I do not expect to play at the high levels right out of the gate. Discovering your partner will guide you and what you do to your partner next. You learn his body, his motions, his reactions. At the same time he learns yours and reacts to the signals you are putting out. I get this. Discovery is half the fun. I have always said this in my other posts.

At the same time I do not want to invest 6, 9 or 12 months into a relationship with a Domme who has no intention of ever going to that level. And I have met Dommes who thought they could persuade me as time goes on that the longer in depth sessions are not needed.

In the particular instance of my weekend getaway. I would not classify the bondage day as a higher level in depth play activity. It was a rather simple bondage activity with no other play associated with it. This is what we agreed upon and had originally planned on. There were to be other activities on the other days and nights. I would be serving a lot as a latex maid on those nights. Nothing in particular was planned. It would have been a play by ear type of thing.

There are Dommes who play at the higher in depth levels and really enjoy it. Finding a place to meet those Dommes is the magic question. And is the question of I have been asking all along in this thread. Lady Pact gave some good suggestions as well Hibbie, hausboy and MIP and others.

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Going a bit off topic but I think it's important to point out. The highlights are mine.

You mention in another post that there were safety measures etc. set up. If the process is intricate enough that it involves safety measures to be set up, or in any way emotionally commits the domina to "the scene," she is involved. Some subs think that if the femdom isn't sweating bullets and waving a whip around in 6 inch heels she's not "working hard" or exerting herself. Or, that something as easy as being served while her slave/slut is dressed as a maid and providing entertainment is 100% leisure -- this is all untrue.

Being in a dominant mindspace is emotionally taxing. There's no other way to put it. It's 12 hours in bondage for you is 12 hours of emotional tax for her. There is no break. tiring. 4 hours of being 'served' by a maid is 4 hours of dominance exerted even if it's in a look, the wave of a finger, the way a word is spoken. Is it a bummer or a drag? Hell no, it's fantastic! But that doesn't change the fact that it is draining and emotionally a woman has to be up for it.

If a submissive or bottom is in a fairly non mobile bondage scene he may be under the impression that the dominant, since she is not "doing anything," has a fairly stress free job. This is 100% not true. If anything, it's more stressful. Because the feedback loop is limited, and because your senses are heightened with regards to what can go wrong. Minutes go by like HOURS.

Sometimes bottoms have no idea what emotionally goes into the process of the mindset of domination, never mind the physical aspects of it. Shackling down, strapping down, buckling the buckles is just a tiny fraction of it; having empathy and awareness can suck the life out of a woman if she is not conscious of her energy levels.

Akasha

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ORIGINAL: mummyman321

Aakasha and Marini,
I never said it was not hard work. I know it takes a very special skill set. So please do not try to put words in my mouth. I did not say or imply these things. I am sorry if you cannot handle longer intense scenes. If it is so taxing to wave your finger at the sub, I think you really need to give it up. Domination requires a little more than finger waving. If you cannot handle the heat, do not agree to do it in the first place.

You can try and twist my words all you want. Bottom line is the Domme and I had an agreement. She backed out of that agreement for her reason's. It is what it is. I am not trying to find fault or cast blame in this thread. I have tried to make this thread about how an experienced submissive can find an experienced Domme who plays at the higher levels.