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RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 6:09:39 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

I'm sure I will get disagreement on this, but it sometimes seems to me that men are hard-wired to tell a women what they think she wants to hear rather than answer honestly. So getting a completely honest answer on any number of subjects sometimes requires a bit of creativity.


I'm not sure about the hard wiring, but this is definitely an issue. I inevitably go for men with very lengthy profiles so I can see what they're into ahead of time. I like a man who owns his sexuality and can articulate it.


So I'm not imagining it. I agree about the profile. Nothing worse than corresponding with someone who has a sparse profile, and then keeps asking me, "well, what kinks are you into?". And guess what? No matter what I say, they'll come back with, "yes, I like that". Well, imagine that. To say the least, I've learned a lot more about how to navigate the Internet dating search process over the years.

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 6:32:52 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I don't even know what is meant by the word "sadist". I love to spank hard and use nipple clamps and clothespins. But I don't do blood and needles. Perhaps I'm a semi-sadist?

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 6:58:44 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I don't think it's about particular implements but if you enjoy hurting with them.

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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 6:59:51 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		FR~

I usually just ask them what their ideal is, if they can't give me a straight answer about what they want without stipulations or conditions, then I don't bother asking more questions. I can't be bothered to waste time on someone who can't be direct and honest about what they are looking for.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 7:01:41 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

So I'm not imagining it.


My casanova ex had the gall to tell someone who was seeking Native Americans that he was one. (He's Norwegian and good looking, but certainly not NA.)

I will burn in hell for teaching him how to use a computer.

(in reply to fucktoyprincess)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 7:36:06 PM   
subbyinlosangele


Posts: 117
Joined: 1/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

When I am talking to a possible potential Dominant/Master I try to ask questions in such a way to not indicate my feelings on the subject because I have found when I do not do so, I get responses that mimic my feelings or desires. After I have asked a question, if the person's response indicates that we are probably not a match, more often than not, they change their response with the disclaimer that they didn't want to scare me off. I find it very difficult to get a honest answer because it seems like most of the people I talk with are just trying to find out what I want to hear. But enough of my rant, my question is actually this and I would like a response from both D-types and s-types. If you are trying to find out if someone is Sadistic or not, (a.) how would you phrase the question or (b.) how would you answer such a question.

Thank you in advance for your replies.

heartfelt



Personally, I don't believe in "interviewing" people. I prefer to have a conversation. If I wanted to find out if someone was a sadist, I wouldn't ask the question. I'd want to them to talk about their experiences, what moved and excited them, and what didn't.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 8:06:48 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I never looked for a sadist. I simply followed and watched what they did with their lives and how they speak, body language. I was never one to really ask questions until I knew more about the person from their own volition of speaking to me and their mannerisms.


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Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 10:54:54 PM   
Pyramus


Posts: 397
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		Is it a sadist who enjoys giving pain but only when that pain is being enjoyed by the recipient?

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 10:56:28 PM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

I have been asking the question straight out and getting back the reply more often than not that they play to the level of the girl. While I understood giving such an answer for me that doesn't tell me anything. Well that isn't quite true, it does tell me something, but I don't think it is what the potential D-type is trying to get across. What I hear when I get such a reply is that I don't lead, I will play to the level that the girl wants so she is in control of how much pain play there will be. And I am fairly certain that is not the message that the D-type is trying to get across. Being who I am, I know that I need someone who will go until He is done, while still being sane, if that makes any sense. If the level of pain during play is only to what I like or desire, to me there is no submission in the play and it isn't as fulfilling. Hopefully that makes some sense.

So when I get the answer that I play to the level of the girl, I find that answer slightly off putting. I would like to know how other s-types would find such a response.

Thank you again for your replies,
heartfelt


Part of me would interpret that the same way as you, and have the same reaction. But I think really, that response would have to be explored further. Because what he might really be trying to say instead is "it depends on what the specific chemistry is between us, what I feel inspired to do" or "I like to get X reaction, but what I have to do to get it is going to depend on the sub". I know my Dom is that way - what does it for him isn't any specific S&M activities, but rather seeing a woman struggle and squirm and suffer a bit for him. And how he gets that reaction is going to vary from woman to woman, so to an extent he does tailor it to each sub. But that doesn't mean he's letting me lead - he still does what he likes, period.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 11:06:19 PM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Also although I am somewhat of a masochist, what I really need from play is a chance to submit. Does that make any sense?


That makes total sense to me. I'm absolutely the same way, except that I'm hardly masochistic at all. What does it for me is submitting in and of itself, not particular activities. If I know they're doing stuff just to please me, it's a total turn-off.

I'm curious - do you start to like and crave things just because your Dom/me likes them, even if they're not things you'd enjoy in other circumstances? (Or even craving things you don't actually like in any circumstances! But you want them anyway because the feeling of submission and pleasing is so good.)

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/11/2012 11:37:50 PM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		Being asked "Are you a sadist?/sadistic?" works for me. The answer is: No, but I can be cruel.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/12/2012 1:21:19 AM   
warlock1935


Posts: 66
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Awhile back I was talking with a pretty girl and a couple of other guys at the Lair here in L.A. The girl was just an acquaintence; I'd never met the other guys. Out of the blue she asked us, " Do you feel you're sadistic?" I answered first: Sure, I'd say I have a sadistic side. Yes, definitely. I looked at the other two guys, who appeared to be thinking. The girl started laughing and said to me, "I get a kick out of guys trying to figure out which answer is more likely to get them into my pants!"

Does that help?

(in reply to Whenready)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/12/2012 10:13:23 AM   
Deliena


Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
Status: offline 		I adore the previous answer, it made me belly giggle (thank you for that).

On the OP's question about "to the level of the girl" I tend to agree with LadyPact (gosh that seems to happen every other post - I really must have an original thought before Christmas) that just because someone is sadistic it does mean they intend permanent harm to come to their partner (be that during casual play or in a full-time relationship dynamic or whatever).

My ex knew I liked some pain, he also knew that I would take more than I enjoyed because I knew he loved it even if I was crying. He also knew when to stop, when it was too much for me. That would be playing to my level in my opinion and as such is valid. If you feel the person that used that response was being evasive perhaps the follow up question is "when you say to her level, what do you mean by that in reality? How do you judge someone's level?" It's a nice open couple of questions and gives plenty of latitude for discussion that could help further understand what they are getting at and whether your needs on that subject match up or vary too wildly to work.

Hope that helps a bit.

(in reply to warlock1935)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/12/2012 11:08:26 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

FR~

I usually just ask them what their ideal is, if they can't give me a straight answer about what they want without stipulations or conditions, then I don't bother asking more questions. I can't be bothered to waste time on someone who can't be direct and honest about what they are looking for.


When I get a question like the above my reaction is going to be something like "I want a slave that is willing to take the time to get to know ME, as a human being, a woman, a dominant woman, and then, and only then.........the kink stuff". If they continue to write, or talk, about kink rather than the mundane and not so mundane aspects of life, the things that determine whether or not we can tolerate one another's company in the larger percentage of time we are together........then I know they are not for me.

As for the question in the OP, if I gave that answer it would have nothing at all to do with catering to the other person. It has every god damned thing to do with the energy that developes with that other person. There is no one special activity that I absolutely must do. What I want, is to get to know her well enough to know what is going to give me the reactions that turn me on. And THAT does depend on the individual. I am not looking to turn her on or be a kink delivery service, I am looking to have an energy exchange that turns ME on. Some of that is going to turn her on and some of it is going to scare the living shit out of her, freak her out, send her to a primal animal place. So yeah, whatever the hell my frighteningly creative evil brain comes up with to get what I want. The details of how, do depend on her. Not because I am catering to her, but instead using her unique and delightful self against her.......so to speak.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/12/2012 11:11:31 AM >

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/12/2012 11:40:26 AM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		LP, you hit it spot on with saying most claim, then when real play comes in, it was all talk. One of My former slaves claimed to be a pain slut. Which for Me, that is awesome. So during a pain session, I started out pretty light, I would say. well about the 6th or 7th tap, she was safewording all over the place. This is not part of the deal, I thought. So after the session, when she could barely sit down, we talked and I think she was able to better explain herself as far as "limited pain slut". Lol

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/12/2012 2:02:54 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

When I get a question like the above my reaction is going to be something like "I want a slave that is willing to take the time to get to know ME, as a human being, a woman, a dominant woman, and then, and only then.........the kink stuff".
-snip-


To me that is a straight answer, and an honest one. But I don't condone people for saying "I want X kink, y kink and Z kink" as long as they can be direct about it. It's the ones who don't know, or won't say, that drives me up the wall.

But the 'get to know me first' answer also implies it's not yet time in the relationship/association to be asking about kink preferences too. Honestly I wouldn't even ask someone what they were looking for until I did know them, and had decided if -I- was interested first.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/12/2012 2:10:58 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Is it a sadist who enjoys giving pain but only when that pain is being enjoyed by the recipient?


I don't think the recipient's enjoyment is a necessary component, in fact, my former play partner especially digs it when women are receiving pain "for him" rather than as something they enjoy. (He did spend a considerable amount of time on the mutually enjoyable stuff, I think the other was frosting on the cake for him.)

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/12/2012 2:16:25 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus
Is it a sadist who enjoys giving pain but only when that pain is being enjoyed by the recipient?

I've heard the term "fluffy sadist" applied to those who only top those who enjoy the sensations.  I've always thought that was a tad derogatory.
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

LP, you hit it spot on with saying most claim, then when real play comes in, it was all talk. One of My former slaves claimed to be a pain slut. Which for Me, that is awesome. So during a pain session, I started out pretty light, I would say. well about the 6th or 7th tap, she was safewording all over the place. This is not part of the deal, I thought. So after the session, when she could barely sit down, we talked and I think she was able to better explain herself as far as "limited pain slut". Lol

I think we've all met those types, K.  Personally, I find that to be disappointing.  I'd rather have somebody be straight up with Me about how much they can take (or give, from the other side) than chest thump, telling Me what a pain slut they are.  It's a let down when they can't live up to their bragging.


_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/12/2012 2:30:54 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subbyinlosangele


quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

When I am talking to a possible potential Dominant/Master I try to ask questions in such a way to not indicate my feelings on the subject because I have found when I do not do so, I get responses that mimic my feelings or desires. After I have asked a question, if the person's response indicates that we are probably not a match, more often than not, they change their response with the disclaimer that they didn't want to scare me off. I find it very difficult to get a honest answer because it seems like most of the people I talk with are just trying to find out what I want to hear. But enough of my rant, my question is actually this and I would like a response from both D-types and s-types. If you are trying to find out if someone is Sadistic or not, (a.) how would you phrase the question or (b.) how would you answer such a question.

Thank you in advance for your replies.

heartfelt



Personally, I don't believe in "interviewing" people. I prefer to have a conversation. If I wanted to find out if someone was a sadist, I wouldn't ask the question. I'd want to them to talk about their experiences, what moved and excited them, and what didn't.


Probably interview was a bad word to use, but the initial series of conversations is really an interview a getting to know the person process. I am having a conversation with them, but also trying to find if they are the kind of person that I know that I need. (if that makes any sense). I know myself enough to know that if the person I am getting into a relationship with only will do in play what I would want and doesn't have any desires of His own that He wants to do, then that kind of relationship won't work for me. Hopefully that makes sense. I am not trying to interview them asking them a series of questions, but rather trying to get to know who they are and what it is that they are looking for.

Thank you for your reply,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Question in the Interview Process - 6/12/2012 2:33:10 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I never looked for a sadist. I simply followed and watched what they did with their lives and how they speak, body language. I was never one to really ask questions until I knew more about the person from their own volition of speaking to me and their mannerisms.



May I ask how one can do that when trying to meet someone online? I can and have done that when meeting someone in the groups that I have attended, but know that my life requires a different way of meeting people am not sure how to get to know a person without asking questions, seeing if there is enough compatibility to go forward with a face to face meeting and potentially move on from there.

Thanks in advance for your reply,
heartfelt

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 60
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