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Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 9:29:36 AM

conflicted

Posts: 140
Joined: 10/31/2004
Status: offline

I am hoping someone can give me some good old fashioned advice.
I have been with Master for 10yrs, and everything seemed to be great, even to the point of Him saying to me 3 months ago that he is thinking of marrying me. All through our relationship He has been in contact with His ex (due to the kids), and has now left to go on a "family holiday" with them for 3 weeks. There wasn't much of a discussion with me about it, only he didn't want to hurt me.....
I feel gutted, and when I try and explain my feelings, I am met with hostility and threats of Him moving on from me. I can't seem to get my point across. I know if I smiled and agreed, I wouldn't be having this problem, but it hurts me sooo much. I am doubting myself for being such a fool, for giving myself to Him as I have, I'm questioning wether his training was becoming increasingly harsher and more severe because of this....I'm just so lost, I don't know what to do, what I'm expected to do. I don't trust easily, and feel that that has been obliterated too. Each time I've spoken with him he gets angry at me, and I cannot ring him because he will not answer my calls in his ex's company. I know I will not deal with it very well at all......but maybe this is the beginning of the end?

Post #: 1

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 9:30:35 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

BEGINNING of the end?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

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Post #: 2

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 9:34:03 AM

conflicted

Posts: 140
Joined: 10/31/2004
Status: offline

The onset of the relationship failing

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 3

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 9:34:55 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

Yeah, this is neither communication nor mastery.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 4

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 9:37:06 AM

DomMeinCT

Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

BEGINNING of the end?

Exactly!

OP, he threatens to leave you when you want to discuss your feelings? You've been with him 10 years?
(And it's clear from your profile updated from 2008 that this isn't the first time you've had some major unhappiness with him.)

You've got a great opportunity right now: three weeks without him to think about whether your life would be better continuing to live as you are, or by making it better for yourself.

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 5

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 9:47:00 AM

conflicted

Posts: 140
Joined: 10/31/2004
Status: offline

Thank You for your post, I just have to get passed the lack of self worth that I feel and the hurt, I just hurt so badly and I can't stop crying, but Your advice is good. I have stuck it out because I always believed he loved and respected for who I am, but it seems he was just a really good liar

(in reply to DomMeinCT)

Post #: 6

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 10:09:50 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Please take a moment and ask yourself...

Why after ten years, do I feel I have little worth? And... Is this something in me that I need some help with or a result of the relationship, partner or what has or has not happened?

In ten years, as a dominant, a woman and an adult that pays attention to the well being of others I am around, issues of self worth would have been seen by me and addressed. If in ten years it wasn't addressed, where ever it was coming from and the response is what you are suggesting it is... then you may need to consider that professional assistance is in order and it all needs to be addressed. There is life after the loss of self worth. YOU must find it. You must seek to heal on your own as it seems it isn't happening and after ten years it ought to be much better.

Whatever you have to do in the relationship... your first need is addressing what may have been the reason you stayed so long... or why you are so hurt and afraid he is moving on. Only you can decide what is acceptable in your life and when so caught up in self worth issues... you cannot make a good decision.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to conflicted)

Post #: 7

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 11:36:05 AM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

When I try and explain my feelings, I am met with hostility and threats of Him moving on from me.

For me this would be a MAJOR issue...

It is basically emotional blackmail - stop talking about it or I will leave you - he appears to be using your desire to stay with him as a way to hide/cover things...

In my M/s relationship I do have no say at all, for example if my Owner wanted to go away with his ex I would have no right to complain about it BUT he would never brush me off or try to emotional blackmail me. He would simply tell it like it is.

I believe that whilst a slave is property an Owner/Master has the responsibility to maintain that property and threatening to leave after 10 years instead of communicating/discussing is really not doing that....

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation... I can find the way all by myself!

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 8

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 11:48:40 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amaidiamond

When I try and explain my feelings, I am met with hostility and threats of Him moving on from me.

For me this would be a MAJOR issue...

It is basically emotional blackmail - stop talking about it or I will leave you - he appears to be using your desire to stay with him as a way to hide/cover things...

In my M/s relationship I do have no say at all, for example if my Owner wanted to go away with his ex I would have no right to complain about it BUT he would never brush me off or try to emotional blackmail me. He would simply tell it like it is.

I believe that whilst a slave is property an Owner/Master has the responsibility to maintain that property and threatening to leave after 10 years instead of communicating/discussing is really not doing that....

This is the point I am hoping the op can see. Self esteem or worth issues are often played upon by those without the wherewithal to be all that they could be and rather be refined and emotionally balanced, they abuse because they can. There is a difference between a healthy d/s relationship and abuse and from the sounds of it... this, as it is currently being explained or felt... is abuse.

Going to dark places within the mix of this type of torment, will get ugly. It is best to find a way to heal and evaluate... but any time someone brushes off feelings... feelings are out of control or they simply are neglecting or abusing you.

Whether or not he has a right... whether or not emotions are out of hand or there are other things at the root... by this point so much damage has been done, that its going to get uglier before it gets prettier. One cannot ignore this type of situation or go into romance or honeymoon period to ignore it and just keep on going. It will take a concentrated effort to repair and it doesn't look like enough effort has been put into it, thus it is now where it is at.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 6/26/2012 11:49:36 AM >

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to amaidiamond)

Post #: 9

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 12:16:05 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amaidiamond

When I try and explain my feelings, I am met with hostility and threats of Him moving on from me.

For me this would be a MAJOR issue...

It is basically emotional blackmail - stop talking about it or I will leave you - he appears to be using your desire to stay with him as a way to hide/cover things...

Yeah, but we don't know HOW she's trying to explain her feelings and how often. For all we know it could be all up in his face drama which he's tried to handle or doesn't know how to handle and is reacting out of frustration.

It's clear that the OP is feeling threatened by his contact with the mother of his children.

She's insecure, even after 10 years. At this point, I would say she needs to take ownership of that insecurity. If he's not making her feel secure and she's stayed for 10 years....she has volunteered for that treatment. If he tries to make her feel secure and she's still insecure...then the issue belongs to her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: conflicted

Thank You for your post, I just have to get passed the lack of self worth that I feel and the hurt, I just hurt so badly and I can't stop crying, but Your advice is good. I have stuck it out because I always believed he loved and respected for who I am, but it seems he was just a really good liar

So, basically you're crying and feeling hurt because he decided to take a vacation with his children that includes his ex-wife?

And because he decided to take that vacation you believe he no longer loves you or respects you?

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/26/2012 12:20:15 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to amaidiamond)

Post #: 10

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 12:42:10 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: conflicted

I am hoping someone can give me some good old fashioned advice.
I have been with Master for 10yrs, and everything seemed to be great, even to the point of Him saying to me 3 months ago that he is thinking of marrying me. All through our relationship He has been in contact with His ex (due to the kids), and has now left to go on a "family holiday" with them for 3 weeks. There wasn't much of a discussion with me about it, only he didn't want to hurt me.....
I feel gutted, and when I try and explain my feelings, I am met with hostility and threats of Him moving on from me. I can't seem to get my point across. I know if I smiled and agreed, I wouldn't be having this problem, but it hurts me sooo much. I am doubting myself for being such a fool, for giving myself to Him as I have, I'm questioning wether his training was becoming increasingly harsher and more severe because of this....I'm just so lost, I don't know what to do, what I'm expected to do. I don't trust easily, and feel that that has been obliterated too. Each time I've spoken with him he gets angry at me, and I cannot ring him because he will not answer my calls in his ex's company. I know I will not deal with it very well at all......but maybe this is the beginning of the end?

This is either a perception or is a fact. If this is the case, then this is why I say I see it as abuse. When is the answer to a domestic issue harsher treatment, anger, etc.? Typically when things have gone too far or are not in balance... or someone is way out of line. An adult has a choice to allow it to go there or to stop it however that might happen, but consistent anger and harsher treatment is problematic for me.

The whole answer is... the op working on her issue. This is her issue no matter what part he is playing in this and she must decide how to deal with it. It always starts with self. Not the pain and pity or blame game... but the real facts of who you are, where you are and what you are going to do that is healthy and not leading you further into that dark abyss of emotional trauma unhealed.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to conflicted)

Post #: 11

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 2:56:41 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Are you two real time or online? If it's online, move on. If it's real time then consider if this has been the first time you have felt like this. If it's not then ask yourself why. If it's due to your own insecurities and problems not involving him then get some therapy. If it is because of things he has said or done then you two both need to sit down and talk rationally...no drama...zero...just plain old fashioned back and forth communication. If one of you refuses to do so then that's your answer....move on.

Now as for his vacation...have you seen the divorce papers? If he is actually divorced from her and is going on vacation with her and the kids then I don't see that as all that unreasonable. I actually think it's commendable. It shows he wants to be a good father to his children and is not looking for drama and anger in his life. It shows that family life is important to him and he believes in those children having both parents active together in their lives. If you can't handle that then that says to me that you again, need therapy and he's tired of your drama.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 12

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 3:33:37 PM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: amaidiamond

When I try and explain my feelings, I am met with hostility and threats of Him moving on from me.

For me this would be a MAJOR issue...

It is basically emotional blackmail - stop talking about it or I will leave you - he appears to be using your desire to stay with him as a way to hide/cover things...

Yeah, but we don't know HOW she's trying to explain her feelings and how often. For all we know it could be all up in his face drama which he's tried to handle or doesn't know how to handle and is reacting out of frustration.

That is very true, but I must admit that I don't view making threats to end the relationship as productive in any way

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation... I can find the way all by myself!

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 3:37:45 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amaidiamond

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: amaidiamond

When I try and explain my feelings, I am met with hostility and threats of Him moving on from me.

For me this would be a MAJOR issue...

It is basically emotional blackmail - stop talking about it or I will leave you - he appears to be using your desire to stay with him as a way to hide/cover things...

Yeah, but we don't know HOW she's trying to explain her feelings and how often. For all we know it could be all up in his face drama which he's tried to handle or doesn't know how to handle and is reacting out of frustration.

That is very true, but I must admit that I don't view making threats to end the relationship as productive in any way

I agree, but I think there's a breaking point in all of us where we say "Stop, or I'll end it" when it comes to being browbeaten. My ex DH did this to me. Just constantly on me, thinking that I was cheating. I said those exact words......and eventually did leave him.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to amaidiamond)

Post #: 14

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 3:45:21 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

It is very possible for divorced parents to be active together in their children's lives without taking a 3 week vacation together that excludes the new significant others. He won't answer her calls when he is with the ex? Your first thought on whether the divorce decree exists seems more likely.

Raising children and being divorced is difficult. However, after 10 years, the OP should have met the children and the ex should know of her existence. It sounds like neither has happened.

Instead it sounds as if he spent the last 10 years chipping away at her self esteem so now she feels without him she is nothing, so he can have his cake and eat it too.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 15

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 4:09:19 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

It's hard to say what the deal is. It would be easy to say the guy is an asshole and call it a day, but then again perhaps the OP is a drama llama - who knows? I am one person who has stayed in close contact with the ex to raise our children, and we have the same close relationship today to be with our adult children as a family unit. We both have significant others who know that although our marriage dissolved, our family did not. Yes, we have taken trips as a family for very important occasions. There is that, but the guy could also be married - not even taking her calls in front of the 'ex' is kind of odd unless the OP gets upset and makes problems when he does.

Do you suspect he's lying about the marriage? Have you ever been to his home or been introduced to family or friends?

Whatever is going on, the OP seems distraught, that actually means more than the mystery behind why. If she's that upset over things, then I'd have to say that she and her relationship of 10 years aren't cutting it anymore, and perhaps its time to question if it's the right thing to continue with.

(in reply to conflicted)

Post #: 16

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 4:14:03 PM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
Status: offline

I do not know what to tell you, except to say that the voices in your head are there for a reason. No good has ever come to me when I ignored mine.

Your profile does confuse me though.

quote:

**NOT LOOKING & PROUDLY OWNED **
what started off as an over the knee spanking over 4 years ago has escalated into a D/s relationship. We are on a journey together and have both discovered parts of ourselves, wants, needs, and desires that we never knew existed within ourselves. He has brought forth emotions that are so strong, that at times i have trouble dealing with them, quite often everything inside is conflicted. Hence the name i chose :)

update 05/01/08: if only the heartstrings would sever i would then be free from this heartache :(

Was it written 6 years ago? And, if you have been miserable since 5-1-08, I would say it is time to move on.

Are you dependent on him for money or a place to live? I really am confused.

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to conflicted)

Post #: 17

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 4:32:35 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

It is very possible for divorced parents to be active together in their children's lives without taking a 3 week vacation together that excludes the new significant others.

It's also possible to take a vacation that includes your ex, especially if it's the only way for the kids to have a vacation or if it's something really special.

My parents are still really good friends to this day. Both parents were always invited to functions and vacations without their current spouses. (That eventually changed when my father and stepfather became friends)

quote:

He won't answer her calls when he is with the ex? Your first thought on whether the divorce decree exists seems more likely.

My first thought is either the ex wife really dislikes the OP or the OP makes the conversation horrible when he's with the ex.

quote:

Raising children and being divorced is difficult. However, after 10 years, the OP should have met the children and the ex should know of her existence. It sounds like neither has happened.

It's entirely possible that the ex and kids know the OP and don't like her.

quote:

Instead it sounds as if he spent the last 10 years chipping away at her self esteem so now she feels without him she is nothing, so he can have his cake and eat it too.

Or it could be that she's massively insecure and no amount of coddling provided by him changes that.

Or it could be he's an asshole.

We only have one side of the story here.....and it's extremely limited at that.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/26/2012 4:34:17 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 18

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 5:08:46 PM

Baroana

Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: conflicted

I am hoping someone can give me some good old fashioned advice.
I have been with Master for 10yrs, and everything seemed to be great, even to the point of Him saying to me 3 months ago that he is thinking of marrying me. All through our relationship He has been in contact with His ex (due to the kids), and has now left to go on a "family holiday" with them for 3 weeks. There wasn't much of a discussion with me about it, only he didn't want to hurt me.....
I feel gutted, and when I try and explain my feelings, I am met with hostility and threats of Him moving on from me. I can't seem to get my point across. I know if I smiled and agreed, I wouldn't be having this problem, but it hurts me sooo much. I am doubting myself for being such a fool, for giving myself to Him as I have, I'm questioning wether his training was becoming increasingly harsher and more severe because of this....I'm just so lost, I don't know what to do, what I'm expected to do. I don't trust easily, and feel that that has been obliterated too. Each time I've spoken with him he gets angry at me, and I cannot ring him because he will not answer my calls in his ex's company. I know I will not deal with it very well at all......but maybe this is the beginning of the end?

These are the facts I have inferred from reading your original post:

1. His "ex" does not know about you.
2. He is a bit closer with his "ex" than a divorced guy should be.
3. Despite your supposed ten year relationship, and the fact that he has indicated an interest in marrying you, he neither wants nor allows any input from you on the subject of his going on vacation for three weeks with the kids and the "ex."
4. He does not love you.

There's much more I'd like to know (out of morbid curiosity), but I've heard enough to give you my opinion on this.

This isn't a healthy relationship. Get counseling.

(in reply to conflicted)

Post #: 19

RE: Emotionally broken - 6/26/2012 5:12:42 PM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

If my Owner went away with his ex for 3 weeks and refused to take my calls.. i would struggle..

But then you are right we don't know both sides

10 years is a lot to give up on

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation... I can find the way all by myself!

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 20

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