RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience...

RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (Full Version)

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ClassIsInSession -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:11:46 PM)
littleone, I think perhaps looking at the equation from a slightly different perspective might be good for you. Instead of trying to discover how to not be so open about it, why not discover how to be secure enough in your desires that being open about it isn't such a "sacred" thing? Does it really harm you in any way that another person who is open to this lifestyle knows your desires? It might be better to look at why you view yourself as so vulnerable when someone knows you have these desires rather than trying to find out how to keep them bottled up in secret.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:12:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone14 I have to add this to my original email because I think I'm being misunderstood. Thank you all for your responses, but please understand my question isn't how to I deal with what just happened with this one guy. I am asking how to deal this process, which is very soul baring and difficult for me. I opened up for the first time in my life about this, and with the first one going wrong realized I had opened myself up too much. Please respond on how I can keep that from happening in the future. Thanks!!! =) Hi all, I'm hoping to get some feedback from the more experienced. I just signed up to this site last week. I'm just exploring who I am, what I want, where I want to go with all this. I actually joined because I was browsing the site and came across a profile that spoke to me and I wanted to email him. I did, we hit it off, emailed a few days and met Friday morning. We had coffee in a very public place, but even there, his voice, touch, look brought me to a space within myself that I knew existed, but have never truly experienced. It was amazing, and I couldn't wait to meet with him again, and we had plans for next week. Got an email this morning from him apologizing for the timing, but someone he's had an open relationship with for over a year asked him last night to make it exclusive. He did call me, and we talked, but his apology sounded hollow. To him, it was one meeting with me, therefore no big deal. But to me, to actually open up to someone regarding being a sub was a huge act of courage and trust and soul baring. I feel violated. He asked me never to contact him again, which makes me feel like garbage. I did befriend someone else on the site, and he's been a support, but I'm hoping for other people's wisdom. I'm scared now to go thru the process of finding someone. I don't know how to process this. Can anyone help? You met the guy once for coffee. He wasn't into you and let you know. He could have just disappeared like a lot do after a non attraction meeting. If you are this upset over one meeting not working then he made the right decision. You sound kinda fruit loopy.

DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:13:54 PM)
If you're feeling "vulnerable" because you opened yourself up in the manner you described, I'd say it has nothing at all to do with being new to BDSM/kink/label-of-your-choice. I'd say it speaks more to how you deal with your emotions. If you know you're going to be emotional opening yourself up, then don't! Simple. Otherwise, I'd suggest exploring reasons why you would allow yourself to feel such negative reactions. This has nothing to do with him (or anyone else) but you and how you react. http://www.lifeinmotioncoaches.com/articles_files/page0008.htm

MistressDarkArt -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:14:45 PM)
When I'm interested in someone even before we get to a face-to-face meeting, I ALWAYS ask if they are currently connected with someone. Even if they say they are single on their profile. Even if they say they are free as a bird and looking for 'the one'. It's a fair question and they're welcome to ask me the same. Yes, people can and will lie. Some will answer honestly one way or the other when directly asked. You owe it to yourself to ask the tough questions before proceeding, though. That way if it turns out badly you have done your due diligence and can write it off to that person being a deceiving f*ckwaffle you are better off without. The trick is to keep your wits about you while still letting your heart be open WHEN...and only WHEN... you determine with no uncertainty someone deserves you.

DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:16:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lilcracker Many have been here months and have yet to make it to a first meeting. Try years. ;)

poise -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:18:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone14 I just really am looking for advice on how not to open up so much to someone in this type of situation since I'm so new to this..... Just because you came out as a submissive doesn't make this any different than if you were to have met him in the vanilla world. He had an existing relationship that he decided to focus on exclusively. It happens. So, you can shut yourself away again and never ever ever make contact with a man that you find appealing. How desirable does that sound? Look at the positives here. You stepped out from under your safety rock and met an incredible man and were inspired to initiate a meeting with him. There are many other fantastic men out there, but you'll never get the chance to meet them if you climb back under your rock. You might enjoy spending your time here in the forums. There are lots of great threads to help you as you explore the lifestyle.

littlewonder -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:33:17 PM)
Personally for me in the past when I was still in the dating and meeting stage with men, I didn't open myself up quickly, not even after a few dates. For me it takes me a long time until I get to know that person and know he's going to stick around for awhile and I can figure out who he is as a person. My recommendation? Stop being in such a hurry! Slow down. I know you're eager for a relationship but don't let the frenzy go to your head. Take a deep breath and remind yourself to not be so open until you get to know him better and find out if he even has any interest in you whatsoever. If you don't do this you will find yourself back in this situation time and time again.

littlewonder -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:35:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone14 Thanks for the input. I agree that it is nice he talked to me, but it felt cold and a bit mean. Like he expected me to be all hunky dory (sp?) about the whole thing since he was willing to call, and was pissed that I wasn't. I don't want to feel violated, and I don't want to carry this into my next experience. But this whole process is so soul baring. Much more so than regular dating. How do I not set myself up for this next time??? Of course he thought it would be all hunky dory. You two only met once for some chit chat over coffee. It's not like you two were dating or anything. I think you get way too overly emotionally involved. Slow down.

DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:36:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 You sound kinda foot loopy. What is this "foot loopy" of which you speak. teasing grin Now I want Froot Loops!!!! It's all your fault. [8D]

Aileen1968 -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:38:50 PM)
I'm still trying to figure out what was so soul baring???? Meeting someone for coffee that knows you clicked the box that says submissive on your online dating profile? Please don't tell me that you just finished reading 50 Shades and decided to go exploring. Please.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:40:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 You sound kinda foot loopy. What is this "foot loopy" of which you speak. teasing grin Now I want Froot Loops!!!! It's all your fault. [8D] You fucker.....hoped no one caught my complete mental fart.

littlewonder -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:40:25 PM)
Ya know, I know it may sound mean to the op but.....after reading one story after another after another after another not only here but other singles dating sites in the past, not just bdsm ones, I feel more sorry for men than I do for women.

LaTigresse -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:40:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 You sound kinda foot loopy. What is this "foot loopy" of which you speak. teasing grin Now I want Froot Loops!!!! It's all your fault. [8D] What are Froot Loops?

littleone14 -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:43:02 PM)
No - this is something I've thought about for along time, but never told another person in my life. THAT is why this is soul baring. And I didn't bare my soul to him intentionally. While just talking, he was able to put me into a space I'd never been in before. That's what is upsetting me. Not that this guy doesn't want to see me again after one cup of coffee. Its that I opened up too much, and I don't want to do that the next time around.

DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:43:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 quote: ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 You sound kinda foot loopy. What is this "foot loopy" of which you speak. teasing grin Now I want Froot Loops!!!! It's all your fault. [8D] You fucker.....hoped no one caught my complete mental fart. Hahaha! Hey, we all have 'em. I'll own up to that. You owe me a box of Fruit Loops btw. :) Edited to add: Er....Froot Loops. :D

DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:45:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 You sound kinda foot loopy. What is this "foot loopy" of which you speak. teasing grin Now I want Froot Loops!!!! It's all your fault. [8D] What are Froot Loops? You've been living out in the rural lands for far too long. [image]http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/2/2b/Froot-Loops-Box-Small.jpg/220px-Froot-Loops-Box-Small.jpg[/image]

DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:47:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone14 Its that I opened up too much, and I don't want to do that the next time around. Then don't. Simple. Next case please!!!

LaTigresse -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:47:25 PM)
No, I am sure the grocery here has that, I simply have never eaten it or bought it. What I was unaware of is that they don't even spell it properly. Which I suppose makes sense as it very likely has zero actual fruit in it. It was the froot that threw me.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:49:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone14 No - this is something I've thought about for along time, but never told another person in my life. THAT is why this is soul baring. And I didn't bare my soul to him intentionally. While just talking, he was able to put me into a space I'd never been in before. That's what is upsetting me. Not that this guy doesn't want to see me again after one cup of coffee. Its that I opened up too much, and I don't want to do that the next time around. It's called sub frenzy. Do a search on here. Like Little Wonder said....slow down. And next time, don't look at him like he's a dominant man. View him as a man and act accordingly.

DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 3:54:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse No, I am sure the grocery here has that, I simply have never eaten it or bought it. What I was unaware of is that they don't even spell it properly. Which I suppose makes sense as it very likely has zero actual fruit in it. It was the froot that threw me. Oh I have no doubt that it likely has nothing resembling a fruit as one of its ingredients. Much as I have loved them in the past, I simply can't buy a box of cereal that has that much in chemical content, sugar and "partially hydrogenated vegetable oil", not to mention "natural flavour". WTF is that? (Rhetorical question...sort of.)

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