RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (Full Version)

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ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 6:58:48 PM)

This:


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

You took a risk. It didn't work out.
You got hurt a bit. Now you're learning some wisdom.
So you are growing.


And trust me here, if you think this was horrific, you have no clue.




DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 7:05:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

This:


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

You took a risk. It didn't work out.
You got hurt a bit. Now you're learning some wisdom.
So you are growing.


And trust me here, if you think this was horrific, you have no clue.





Gee, I was wondering when you would show up. There's a train wreck on aisle 6. :D

Oh wait...I see you're already over there too. Nevermind. :D



Edited to add:
Aw damn! The mods got to it. And here I was looking forward to seeing you snap. *gleeful grin*



DesFIP -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 7:20:29 PM)

Try some therapy.

You need to learn how to share appropriately. Not to open up and drown a guy on the first date, but to give little bits of info as trust develops on both sides.

I'm not sure he really did decide to make another relationship exclusive. It sounds more like you were overly needy and he sought a nice way to let you down gently.



littleone14 -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 7:26:50 PM)

I know my post reads as needy, but it really wasn't that. I'm not upset that after a cup of coffee he didn't want to see me again. And its not that I told him too much. I'm upset that a part of me was accessed before it was appropriate and I want to learn how to keep someone from accessing that before I'm ready to let him access it!



kalikshama -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 7:36:59 PM)

quote:

I'm upset that a part of me was accessed before it was appropriate and I want to learn how to keep someone from accessing that before I'm ready to let him access it!


I'm not sure that you've received the message that both the problem and the solution lie within you - you seem to still be blaming him.

Try learning about non-attachment:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Detachment_(philosophy)

Detachment, also expressed as non-attachment, is a state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment to desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened perspective.

Detachment as release from desire and consequently from suffering is an important principle, or even ideal, in the Bahá'í Faith, Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Jainism and Taoism.

In Buddhist and Hindu religious texts the opposite concept is expressed as upādāna, translated as "attachment". Attachment, that is the inability to practice or embrace detachment, is viewed as the main obstacle towards a serene and fulfilled life. Many other spiritual traditions identify the lack of detachment with the continuous worries and restlessness produced by desire and personal ambitions.



DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 7:37:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14

I know my post reads as needy, but it really wasn't that. I'm not upset that after a cup of coffee he didn't want to see me again. And its not that I told him too much. I'm upset that a part of me was accessed before it was appropriate and I want to learn how to keep someone from accessing that before I'm ready to let him access it!


Oh please! Then what was "He asked me never to contact him again, which makes me feel like garbage." all about?

Despite your claims to the contrary, he didn't access anything. This was all you. Your interpretation, your projections and your feelings. This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with your perception of the events.

I tend to agree with DesFIP. It's possible he saw you going a little overboard and decided to end things before they started.



DeviantlyD -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 7:39:27 PM)

Yeah, I tried telling her that earlier kalikshama, but I guess that wasn't the answer she was looking for. ;)



littleone14 -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 8:02:49 PM)

No, I agree, it is totally me. I really am not blaming this guy. That's why I've been asking for help on how to go about this. I allowed myself to be accessed but don't want to in the future until it's appropriate!



lizi -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 8:03:57 PM)

Something that helps me is to meet quickly for a short public meeting so I can see if I am attracted, and would like things to continue with someone. I tend to get more attached with lengthy online/phone things. I believe that online tends to create a falsely intimate coziness with someone that is inappropriate early on, and in order to prevent myself from falling into that, I meet fairly soon if I think i am going to grow into liking someone.



OsideGirl -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 8:07:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

You took a risk. It didn't work out.
You got hurt a bit. Now you're learning some wisdom.
So you are growing.


And trust me here, if you think this was horrific, you have no clue.


I'm going to agree with Kana here. Chalk it up as a learning experience. I understand that it left you feeling bruised, but I think in a few days you'll realize it wasn't really horrific. I actually think that a lot of what he did was manipulation by the other woman in his life.....which means that he really wasn't what you thought he might be after all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Try some therapy.

You need to learn how to share appropriately. Not to open up and drown a guy on the first date, but to give little bits of info as trust develops on both sides.

I'm not sure he really did decide to make another relationship exclusive. It sounds more like you were overly needy and he sought a nice way to let you down gently.


Actually, she and I have been talking and I don't get that off of her at all. He's the first person that she admitted her submissive feelings to, they made plans to see each other again and then he rebuffed her. It was a feeling of acceptance and then a rejection, which I can totally understand leaving her feeling like she made the admission to the wrong person.



DomMeinCT -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 8:27:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14

I know my post reads as needy, but it really wasn't that. I'm not upset that after a cup of coffee he didn't want to see me again. And its not that I told him too much. I'm upset that a part of me was accessed before it was appropriate and I want to learn how to keep someone from accessing that before I'm ready to let him access it!


What is bolded above is not this:
I'm upset with myself that I disclosed a part of me before it was appropriate and I want to learn how to keep myself in control before I'm better prepared to share it.

See the difference? The first doesn't take responsibility. That's what some of the feedback is you're seeing.

I can completely understand your disappointment and unhappiness - after the excitement of thinking you were going to see him again, he decided not to pursue you further - BUT the only thing you can change in any of this is you.



evesgrden -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 8:30:17 PM)

Littleone, you don't have to worry about this happening again like this.

You opened up about your submissive feelings for the first time.That's a big deal. But.. your first time talking about it is done and the good/bad about firsts, is that they only happen once.

You will meet someone else, and when you tell him about how you view submission, it will be the first time you tell HIM, but it will not be the first time you've opened up because that's already happened.

This is not going to be the last time you get hurt. Some pretty raw feelings get going, and when you do the internet thing it's all too easy to idealize the person on the other end of your pixels.

One last piece of advice. You don't trust someone because they tell you to. You trust someone based on your experience of them; trust is a feeling and a process, not an event. So, trust a little, see how that goes, and then trust a little more. It takes time to find out if someone is trustworthy. I think we've all been there when things seem to be going oh-so well, and you can just TELL that you're on the same wavelength... and then you get the rug pulled out from under you. That's the internet, because you only got to know enough of that person for them to be whom you wanted them to be, as opposed to seeing them for who they truly are.

You can't know who someone really is until you're doing the daily with them.



littlewonder -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 8:54:58 PM)

Your big problem is accepting yourself....not that you disclosed too much too soon, not that he didn't want to see you again and you feel horrible now. It's that you don't accept yourself and your submissiveness.

Learn to like yourself, learn to simply let your submission be a part of you like any other part of you and you won't even have to worry about you thinking you're divulging too much. It will be just like "yeah, btw, I'm pretty submissive <shrug>". See? Not a big deal.

I think you seem to think there's something wrong with being submissive or that others will not want to be with you because of it which just isn't true. Men won't want to be with you because you're insecure and not confident with yourself.

So maybe it's time to take some time for yourself and take control of your life and be happy about yourself first. Others will follow the lead then in liking you.



DesFIP -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 9:56:58 PM)

This is something you learn through therapy. Not something that can be taught on a message board. You need to figure out why you overinvest way before it's appropriate.

I had a friend years ago who was asked for a date by some guy and started imagining what would happen if she married him. That's inappropriate. Where it comes from is your family of origin. But identifying what are the things that taught you to do this, and learning newer and healthier ways requires hard work with a trained professional.



DarkSteven -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 10:05:17 PM)

Congratulations. You've met someone that seems to be able to ring your sub chimes, AND has a sense of honor. So he's not a romantic match for you - how ELSE could he be of use?

Ask the guy if he knows any other local Doms that he would recommend. Ask him if there are any things he'd recommend for you. He knows your deep dark secret and may have local contacts, and be able to help.



sexyred1 -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 10:22:19 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14

@Lockit - It was more the fact that this is the first time I've ever opened up to anyone in my life about this that makes me feel violated. I totally understand what you are saying that I violated myself, and that's why I'm here asking the question how not to let that happen.......


You will not get an answer on how to not let that happen again unless you just never try to meet anyone.

I would say that you are overreacting after such a short time chatting with someone and meeting them once.

To me, the best thing for you to do is to not have such high expectations and to not open up so much when speaking to someone new.

Let things unfold slowly and keep your dignity.



PrincessDonna11 -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 10:37:55 PM)

Read this and said how lucky is she that she met someone on C.M. that wasnt a scammer, didnt abuse her and was honest with her. Move on, continue the same system of meeting in public, and ASK if there are any other relationships! I know way too many people that deny their true nature because things didnt go the way THEY expected, or they had a fantasy that when we met we were going straight to a sex scene. REALLY? You will do fine, remember how well it felt opening up in the first place? You did, it was good practice and that person isnt around to take advantage of what you shared,his loss not yours, get back up in that saddle and ride baby girl!



JeffBC -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 11:10:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone14
No, I agree, it is totally me. I really am not blaming this guy. That's why I've been asking for help on how to go about this. I allowed myself to be accessed but don't want to in the future until it's appropriate!

I guess I don'tt completely understand. I can understand this with Carol or any of the other generally submissive subs (the doormats). But you mention this was the first time this part of you was accessed so you can't be generally submissive. Are you a fairly dominant sort in the rest of your life?



littlewonder -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 11:48:27 PM)

quote:

Ask the guy if he knows any other local Doms that he would recommend. Ask him if there are any things he'd recommend for you. He knows your deep dark secret and may have local contacts, and be able to help.


He told her to never contact him again.



Okeanos -> RE: Very new to this - horrible first time experience... (7/8/2012 11:59:55 PM)

I do not have the time to read all the responses, so I am sorry if someone has covered this before me.

What may have happened is that he may have not liked you appearance-wise. It happens, and it is bound to happen when people are not clear to each other about their physical appearance as early as possible. So, be sure to fill-in your profile, (which is currently completely empty,) answer all the important questions like height and weight, and try to include, if you can, some pictures of yours. If you are uncomfortable with posting pictures of yours on collarme.com, then at least be sure to exchange pictures with each person you communicate with immediately after the first couple of messages.



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