quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix


I see a lot of people coming into the lifestyle saying they are looking for a good trainer or proper training.
It makes me very curious.

Aren’t relationships more a "learn as you go" kind of thing? We get a little bit older. We try out different relationships. We date people. It works out. Or it doesn’t work out. We go have a good time. Or we get bored. We learn what we like and what we don’t like by exploring and experiencing the world around us.
Some people realize somewhere along the way, that they have a taste for something kinky or a taste for a bit of power exchange in their relationships. And then, out of the blue, comes this notion that they are unable to have a relationship until they’ve undergone this mysterious ‘training’.

To be clear, I’m not talking about someone who is currently in a relationship with their Dominant and the Dominant is training them to a particular kind of service. I’m also not talking about someone who has a specific goal in mind of an activity they’d like to learn (i.e. "I’m looking for someone to teach me the safe way to throw a whip.")
I’m talking about single people, usually those new to the lifestyle, and more often than not, submissives, that come into the lifestyle and say "I’m new and looking for a trainer."
It baffles me.

Where/why is it that you’ve gotten the impression that you need training?
What type of training/trainer exactly are you looking for? Are you looking for someone who is going to teach you how to date other kinky people? Do you not know how to go out and make friends and date?
Have you been informed that there is a "School of BDSM" in which people become certified kink teachers and you have to pass their class before you’re allowed to go out and have an adult relationship?
Do you doubt your own ability to pursue and maintain relationships?

I also wonder…
Did you receive a good trainer and proper training in your vanilla relationships?
I seriously can not ever recall hearing the gals in school saying "My mom says I’m old enough to date now, so I’m looking for a boyfriend who will make a good trainer."
I don’t hear women at the bar saying they are there to pick up a trainer.

I’m very curious why a person would believe they need training or a trainer to pursue a non-vanilla relationship.
Anyone have any insight on this?

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ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala


Some feel they are dominant, but have no practical skills or experience, so they seek training.  Submissives know they must 'act' submissive to be acceptable, but what one Dom wants another might not OR they aren't sure what actions a submissive should take, so they want training.
 

This line jumped out at me. I don't believe a submissive has to 'act' submissive to be acceptable. I'm a submissive, but I do not put on a submissive act ever. I am simply me and you either like me or you don't. Why put on an act or change into what you think, believe, or are told you need to be, to be acceptable? Doesn't make sense. People are people and not everyone is gonna click. Different people have different likes, dislikes and preferences. There is no set certain a way a submissive has to act to be acceptable.

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But a trainer will devine whether you are animal, vegetable or mineral..........

So think about that.

Ron
And erin........I got you pegged for one ahspicy meatballah!!!!!!!!

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ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

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But a trainer will devine whether you are animal, vegetable or mineral..........

So think about that.

Ron
And erin........I got you pegged for one ahspicy meatballah!!!!!!!!

nah she's a tofu ball.. got her pegged for a vegatarian... how ever you spell it.. dont see her as meat whats so ever.

Now Ron.. you'd be a mineral

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

and perhaps it is seen by some as a distinction without a difference, if you want advice....any asshole will gladly hep you to his wisdom........
if you want a trainer, somebody is gonna be attached to somebodys genitailia somewhere

I don't want just any 'asshole's so-called wisdom.  Actually, a wise asshole sounds like an oxymoron.  And no one is going to be attached to anyone's genitalia, unless they want to find theirs nailed to a wall.  There's got to be a few people into BDSM that aren't assholes.

Now, I am sure you don't know me and already don't like me,  but I have actually read your profile......
You are sub and your husband is sub, and you wana learn what.....without sex? are you gonna sit there and say for breakfast?  What do you want.....geez I don't know, how about raisin bran?  Oh, I don't know, is that what you want?  Oh, I don't know.........

We do the 'I dunno, what do YOU want' thing when trying to decide where to go out for dinner.  LOL.  We want a D/s dynamic, not a fuck session.  Domestic/companionship would work as far as we're concerned.  We're actually talking to a Dom couple in CA who would love it if we were closer, since they're not looking for sex partners.  Unfortunately, there's no way we'll be moving anytime soon, so we're just getting ideas and pointers via IM right now.  But even that's been helpful at times.

If you have read this far.............you both have unrequited needs and desires.........that's cool and so normal.

But you are funny..........cause in the end what are you two going to do about it........I see you pushing all the time but your husband is rather silent.  

Who is going to come and tutor you and just give and give..........
Read the 48 laws of power by Robert Greene.......

You would be in a dangerous (within the context of this discussion) place to be in front of a Dom male or female, real-time.........

You  want a couple pointers........mail me...........

But at some point something physical will take place, and it leaves the realm of fantasy............

What we're going to do, is be mature and patient.  We already know that what we want will be hard to come by.  That's fine.  We're neither of us stupid or desperate, so we can wait and search intelligently.

How will you handle it? How will he?
Get me a fuckin' beer..........You need to go to a trainer for that?
Kiss it before you hand it me slut...........
a trainer prepares you for that?

Obviously not.

Sometimes this is like the Beverly Hills guys who are going across the tracks to get some funny.........

If I hit you it is gonna fucking hurt.

Yes, and...?  You lost me here.  What are you talking about?

You are better off than you think you are, and are an extremelby nice and pretty and intelligent person.

Feelings are one thing...........but what is your reality?

That being, of course, my point.  We're still trying to figure out what to do and how to do it.

Sincerely,
Ron

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I’m very curious why a person would believe they need training or a trainer to pursue a non-vanilla relationship.
Anyone have any insight on this?

because Thumpers mother says to eat your greens

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Quivver:  although I ~tend~ to be service oriented, sex makes the world go round. 

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ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

if you truly believe this, then you are not a service oriented submissive.  Nothing wrong with that, but don't claim that which you are not.  Service oriented submissives love the SERVICE; the sex is fun, but it is incidental. 

E.

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ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

Conversely, if you can do it, and do it with some effectiveness, what's wrong with training a submissive to be a sub, and a Dom to be a Dom?

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ORIGINAL: zumala

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ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala


Some feel they are dominant, but have no practical skills or experience, so they seek training.  Submissives know they must 'act' submissive to be acceptable, but what one Dom wants another might not OR they aren't sure what actions a submissive should take, so they want training.
 

This line jumped out at me. I don't believe a submissive has to 'act' submissive to be acceptable. I'm a submissive, but I do not put on a submissive act ever. I am simply me and you either like me or you don't. Why put on an act or change into what you think, believe, or are told you need to be, to be acceptable? Doesn't make sense. People are people and not everyone is gonna click. Different people have different likes, dislikes and preferences. There is no set certain a way a submissive has to act to be acceptable.

Eh, I knew the wording in that section wasn't quite right.  I just was having trouble putting my thoughts down accurately into words. 
 
Let's say you have someone coming from a 'nilla lifestyle who's only recently discovered they're submissive.  They have NO clue what to do.  They can't just waltz off and grab a Master because he could turn out to be someone who abuses them.  They can't answer questions about what they do or don't like, because they've never experienced anything like what is done in BDSM.  So they sit there, wondering how to safely get started...  Ah-ha!  What if I got a Mentor?  Someone to help me figure out what I would and wouldn't like.  Someone to help me ease into my local scene?
 
Sounds logical to me.
 
zuma

quote:

One can get experience at s/m play without being in training with a specific Dom as well.

If I have questions about things, I have friends I can ask and discuss things with. If one wants to learn and grow then the best advice I can give is to get out and involved with real time groups and make friends rather than thinking you need a training relationship, or some certain training so you can do bdsm and D/s "right". 

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala


Some feel they are dominant, but have no practical skills or experience, so they seek training.  Submissives know they must 'act' submissive to be acceptable, but what one Dom wants another might not OR they aren't sure what actions a submissive should take, so they want training.
 

This line jumped out at me. I don't believe a submissive has to 'act' submissive to be acceptable. I'm a submissive, but I do not put on a submissive act ever. I am simply me and you either like me or you don't. Why put on an act or change into what you think, believe, or are told you need to be, to be acceptable? Doesn't make sense. People are people and not everyone is gonna click. Different people have different likes, dislikes and preferences. There is no set certain a way a submissive has to act to be acceptable.

Eh, I knew the wording in that section wasn't quite right.  I just was having trouble putting my thoughts down accurately into words. 
 
Let's say you have someone coming from a 'nilla lifestyle who's only recently discovered they're submissive.  They have NO clue what to do.  They can't just waltz off and grab a Master because he could turn out to be someone who abuses them.  They can't answer questions about what they do or don't like, because they've never experienced anything like what is done in BDSM.  So they sit there, wondering how to safely get started...  Ah-ha!  What if I got a Mentor?  Someone to help me figure out what I would and wouldn't like.  Someone to help me ease into my local scene?
 
Sounds logical to me.
 
zuma

A mentor could go either way for someone so very new though. I'm rather leary of doing the single mentor thing as having a single mentor gives you only that person's perspective rather than gaining many different perspectives in order to find what works for you, and personally I think it's smarter to make friends with other submissives first rather than going straight for a Dominant mentor. Submissives can be wonderful in a mentor/friend way and no dynamic has the potential to cloud the lines as can happen otherwise.

Where did I ever say that I wouldn't want to make friends with other submissives or multiple Doms?  If I just wanted to leap blindly in, I wouldn't spend so much time on these boards watching, learning, and talking.  My profile invites friendships.
 
Also someone very new can more easily get suckered in by a Dominant using the mask of mentor to gain control of them. All that said, just because an adult submissive finds bdsm is no sign they need to lose their intelligence. BDSM isn't some magical world where Dominants are knights in black leather with singletails and floggers and toys to make your heart thump and your panties all wet.

I don't consider a Mentor as one who has control over me.  I consider them to be advise givers.  And I've not lost any intelligence over discovering an interest in submission and BDSM.  I don't need or desire a knight, I don't even know what I think of singletails and floggers since I haven't experienced either one before, and I don't really want to get wet panties unless my husband's the one causing it.

quote:

One can get experience at s/m play without being in training with a specific Dom as well.

If I have questions about things, I have friends I can ask and discuss things with. If one wants to learn and grow then the best advice I can give is to get out and involved with real time groups and make friends rather than thinking you need a training relationship, or some certain training so you can do bdsm and D/s "right". 

I think it's smarter to simply as stated in my other post here, make friends in your local community and they will/can help you find your way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala



A mentor could go either way for someone so very new though. I'm rather leary of doing the single mentor thing as having a single mentor gives you only that person's perspective rather than gaining many different perspectives in order to find what works for you, and personally I think it's smarter to make friends with other submissives first rather than going straight for a Dominant mentor. Submissives can be wonderful in a mentor/friend way and no dynamic has the potential to cloud the lines as can happen otherwise.

Where did I ever say that I wouldn't want to make friends with other submissives or multiple Doms?  If I just wanted to leap blindly in, I wouldn't spend so much time on these boards watching, learning, and talking.  My profile invites friendships.

Also someone very new can more easily get suckered in by a Dominant using the mask of mentor to gain control of them. All that said, just because an adult submissive finds bdsm is no sign they need to lose their intelligence. BDSM isn't some magical world where Dominants are knights in black leather with singletails and floggers and toys to make your heart thump and your panties all wet.

I don't consider a Mentor as one who has control over me.  I consider them to be advise givers.  And I've not lost any intelligence over discovering an interest in submission and BDSM.  I don't need or desire a knight, I don't even know what I think of singletails and floggers since I haven't experienced either one before, and I don't really want to get wet panties unless my husband's the one causing it.

quote:

One can get experience at s/m play without being in training with a specific Dom as well.

If I have questions about things, I have friends I can ask and discuss things with. If one wants to learn and grow then the best advice I can give is to get out and involved with real time groups and make friends rather than thinking you need a training relationship, or some certain training so you can do bdsm and D/s "right". 

I think it's smarter to simply as stated in my other post here, make friends in your local community and they will/can help you find your way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetSarijane

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala



A mentor could go either way for someone so very new though. I'm rather leary of doing the single mentor thing as having a single mentor gives you only that person's perspective rather than gaining many different perspectives in order to find what works for you, and personally I think it's smarter to make friends with other submissives first rather than going straight for a Dominant mentor. Submissives can be wonderful in a mentor/friend way and no dynamic has the potential to cloud the lines as can happen otherwise.

Where did I ever say that I wouldn't want to make friends with other submissives or multiple Doms?  If I just wanted to leap blindly in, I wouldn't spend so much time on these boards watching, learning, and talking.  My profile invites friendships.

Also someone very new can more easily get suckered in by a Dominant using the mask of mentor to gain control of them. All that said, just because an adult submissive finds bdsm is no sign they need to lose their intelligence. BDSM isn't some magical world where Dominants are knights in black leather with singletails and floggers and toys to make your heart thump and your panties all wet.

I don't consider a Mentor as one who has control over me.  I consider them to be advise givers.  And I've not lost any intelligence over discovering an interest in submission and BDSM.  I don't need or desire a knight, I don't even know what I think of singletails and floggers since I haven't experienced either one before, and I don't really want to get wet panties unless my husband's the one causing it.

quote:

One can get experience at s/m play without being in training with a specific Dom as well.

If I have questions about things, I have friends I can ask and discuss things with. If one wants to learn and grow then the best advice I can give is to get out and involved with real time groups and make friends rather than thinking you need a training relationship, or some certain training so you can do bdsm and D/s "right". 

I think it's smarter to simply as stated in my other post here, make friends in your local community and they will/can help you find your way.

Making friends and learning from others is the main reason I'm here.  I'm beginning to suspect that the definition of 'trainer' and 'mentor' varies around here, which is contributing to a communication problem.  I would consider a mentor to be a knowledgeable friend who is willing to answer questions.
 
zuma

quote:

ORIGINAL: zumala