RE: Desperate need of advice

RE: Desperate need of advice (Full Version)

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SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:01:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens Yes Maam, that would be correct. He may be doing nothing, and he may, I just dont like not knowing. Even if he was seeing someone else or two or three, thats not wrong to me if he would only be forthright about it. Not leaving me BOTHERED by secrecy. I have been very patient but just as you said the bothering me is increasing. He acts if I am suppose to act on blind faith. The point is that it bothers you. He is being a putz for not addressing your concerns in a way that alleviates them. Instead, he is making it worse. Shame on him. Relationships require trust. He is not earning your trust, he is doing the opposite. Is that the kind of relationship you want??? No its not what I want. It is an unresting state that I am unwilling to continue in the long run. I apprecate the input to all, its helping me to clarify that asking this information is not some violation in the relationship. Someone else maybe they would be ok with it, but for me its not providing the contentment I need to have a solid trusting valuable fulfilling relationship.

LaTigresse -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:01:58 AM)
And to ME, it is a game of the wrong kind. To ME, it's a huge sign of weakness on the part of the dominant wanna be person. I enjoy mind fucks tremendously but I don't EVER want a slave of mine questioning my commitment to them, my honesty, my integrity, their trust in me, etc.

littlewonder -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:06:10 AM)
Exactly, especially at the beginning of a newish relationship. It's just not gonna make the relationship grow strong. It just makes doubts and mistrust and at that point, unless he speaks up now, game over. No win.

CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:07:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse And to ME, it is a game of the wrong kind. To ME, it's a huge sign of weakness on the part of the dominant wanna be person. I enjoy mind fucks tremendously but I don't EVER want a slave of mine questioning my commitment to them, my honesty, my integrity, their trust in me, etc. This bears repeating, read it the hell out loud to your self. The last part resonates.

Kana -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:09:23 AM)
quote: I would really appreciate any honest, staight forward advice about a relationship I have. I am ashamed to say Im having trouble finding my own answers, and was hoping peoples perspective might open a door. I am a slave without full disclosure from my master. When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. We have a internet/real meeting relationship and live in different towns. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. AM I wrong? He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship. I really wonder how other's whether sub or dom would feel about it. Why somoene would not share information and why, when I say Im okay with whatever the answer is. 1-He, like most folks who ain't on a witness stand or being beaten in a police station, has the option to answer any question or not. 2-You, just like anyone else in any sorta relationship, bound or not, have the option of deciding whether you can live with his answers/non-answers. That said, are you really sure you want to know the answer? Cuz I gotta ask, why ask the question? It sounds like you know he has others. Is there a magic number beyond which owning multiple slaves is unacceptable to you? As in five is fine, but six, no way you creepy fucker. Or is this just about wanting him to open up and share? But either way, you are being brought square round to the original problem-do you trust someone who, for whatever reason (And I can think of reasons a guy might refuse to answer, if for nothing else, to drive her crazy and enjoy her suffering :-p), won't divulge 100%? And if so, can you live with what you get? If so, then spectacular-carry on. And if not, well, I am a lot less quick than many to say dump him, especially after 18 months, but I will say you have a problem and a decision to make....

NuevaVida -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:17:48 AM)
~Fast Reply~ My former owner was like this. I never knew how many others there were. It bothered me greatly - I think in part because it was so NOT in my control (imagine that), but more importantly, evasiveness creates distrust. I wanted to trust him, but so much evasiveness kept him at such a distance - there would never be the kind of closeness I needed from him, and every other issue he was evasive about just left a lot of open ended questions that would never be answered. His thought was that as his slave, I didn't need to know - just be property and obey. And I mustered that for years but always felt there was something missing. That type of relationship may very well work for some. It does not work for me. Sounds like it doesn't work for you, either...?

LaTigresse -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:27:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida ~Fast Reply~ My former owner was like this. I never knew how many others there were. It bothered me greatly - I think in part because it was so NOT in my control (imagine that), but more importantly, evasiveness creates distrust. I wanted to trust him, but so much evasiveness kept him at such a distance - there would never be the kind of closeness I needed from him, and every other issue he was evasive about just left a lot of open ended questions that would never be answered. His thought was that as his slave, I didn't need to know - just be property and obey. And I mustered that for years but always felt there was something missing. That type of relationship may very well work for some. It does not work for me. Sounds like it doesn't work for you, either...? The words of a wise woman.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:29:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder For example, how much do you trust him that he as your Dom does not have to say anything at all because he's the dom and can do whatever he wants. If you stay and don't ask anymore, then you trust him. If you leave then you don't trust him. I'm not saying that, I'm saying that's how the game works. Thank you, now I understand. That was exactly the kind of relationship I was trying to develop with him by getting answers to crucial questions. I do not like guess work when it comes to foundation of the relationship. All the rest comes if you get to that place. Testing me as a real slave could give false answers when I dont know the truth.

littlewonder -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:35:53 AM)
The answer would be you don't do anything. You don't ask. You just be obedient and follow orders. If you do that then you're a real slave. If you don't then he sees you as a pushy bitch.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:37:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana quote: I would really appreciate any honest, staight forward advice about a relationship I have. I am ashamed to say Im having trouble finding my own answers, and was hoping peoples perspective might open a door. I am a slave without full disclosure from my master. When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. We have a internet/real meeting relationship and live in different towns. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. AM I wrong? He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship. I really wonder how other's whether sub or dom would feel about it. Why somoene would not share information and why, when I say Im okay with whatever the answer is. 1-He, like most folks who ain't on a witness stand or being beaten in a police station, has the option to answer any question or not. 2-You, just like anyone else in any sorta relationship, bound or not, have the option of deciding whether you can live with his answers/non-answers. That said, are you really sure you want to know the answer? Cuz I gotta ask, why ask the question? It sounds like you know he has others. Is there a magic number beyond which owning multiple slaves is unacceptable to you? As in five is fine, but six, no way you creepy fucker. Or is this just about wanting him to open up and share? But either way, you are being brought square round to the original problem-do you trust someone who, for whatever reason (And I can think of reasons a guy might refuse to answer, if for nothing else, to drive her crazy and enjoy her suffering :-p), won't divulge 100%? And if so, can you live with what you get? If so, then spectacular-carry on. And if not, well, I am a lot less quick than many to say dump him, especially after 18 months, but I will say you have a problem and a decision to make.... We have a good relationship otherwise, but the unsettling evasion is the problem. Its that he himself will not give the information, its really not about if he has others. Its more of the fact he is upfront, that we can share. I sometimes think he is afraid to tell me, that I will leave. But him not telling me is actually what will make me leave.

JeffBC -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:42:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens I would really appreciate any honest, straightforward advice about a relationship I have. It's not working for you. I am a slave without full disclosure from my master. Let's just ignore the whole "slave" thing. That could easily become a rabbit hole of "shoulds" that have no bearing on your actual situation. When I ask certain questions he will either ignore them, or say you will know what you need to know. We have a internet/real meeting relationship and live in different towns. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. The biggest question he ignores is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. AM I wrong? YOu are wrong because you're thinking in terms of "shoulds" which is another way to say entitlements. He does not wish to share this information. You need it for your own stability. There is no right or wrong here. There is only "can the two of you get on the same page or not?" He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship. Sure, but it is YOU who is deciding not to trust here. That may or may not be a good decision but don't think that your own standards for trust are somehow TheTruth(tm). Him declining to share this information is not automatically untrustworthy. I really wonder how other's whether sub or dom would feel about it. Why someone would not share information and why, when I say Im okay with whatever the answer is. I doubt you're OK with whatever the answer is. A bit of honesty yourself would help here. Why not simply say, "I'm not comfortable with how much space I take up in his life. I need more. I may need to be monogamous. He and I need to talk about this."

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:42:20 AM)
I guess you and I have a different definition of 'a good relationship' because anyone who keeps secrets from me, and worse, does so when I have made it clear that it is making me uneasy in the relationship, is a bad match for me. The others have said it pretty well, but I wanted to add this: If my partner was sleeping with other people, I would want to know this for my own sexual health. Don't feel you have to answer this on the board, but are you having safe sex? Because I wouldn't be having any kind of sex without a condom with someone who potentially has any number of other regular or one-off sexual partners. If he isn't telling you, you can't make an informed decision.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 10:02:45 AM)
Thank You i have recieved enough information that I can make the decision right for me. He is important to me, I will ask one more time and tell him the truth. Its not he has others or not, its the lack of sharing and information that keeps me from making informed decisions. If he says no, it is his choice to make and its who he is, but our relationship will need to end. IT is not good to continue on with a communication need unfulfilled. It will fester. Again thank you for the clarity, it has been very helpful.

OsideGirl -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 10:34:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. Did you not discuss expectations before you became committed to him? quote: The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. Again, you got involved with someone that you don't know if he's involved with someone else? Clearly his lack of an answer is a yes, because saying no would be easy. quote: He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship. If I am trusting someone with my life, I need them to be trustworthy. Lying by omission is still lying. He would have been long by now, if it was me.

kalikshama -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 10:35:15 AM)
He may give you information this time as a result of Fear of Loss, but this will not change his inherent nature. He may also lie or say whatever he thinks you need to hear to placate you for the moment.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 11:37:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. Did you not discuss expectations before you became committed to him? quote: The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. Again, you got involved with someone that you don't know if he's involved with someone else? Clearly his lack of an answer is a yes, because saying no would be easy. quote: He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship. If I am trusting someone with my life, I need them to be trustworthy. Lying by omission is still lying. He would have been long by now, if it was me. Honestly no I didn't give him a list of my expectations, I did not even know what they were. He introduced me to this lifestyle and it was an instant attraction mentally and physically, but as far as this problem I am discussing now, no I didnt give him expectations, it didnt come up for awhile, didnt even think about it, I was just so thrown for a loop of the emotions and discoveries, I had no idea what to expect. I was so happy that I was blind for awhile and issues didnt pop up for awhile. It was a frenzy and I just didnt know what rules applied. But I see same rules apply now as with any relationship. It seems now in our relationship, which is stupid I know, now I am getting serious about my needs. Thats my fault, he has never lied to my knowledge. Just fails to answer or says you will know what you need to know for the time. I just feel we are at some turning point and before I go deeper, I need to get things cleared up or walk. He has been reliable. If I need him he is there, always. This is pretty important though to me the sharing part, I hate to end our relationship when we have other things that are so good. I am the one not trusting, he has never proven to be untrustworthy. Its just the evasion breeds mistrust in me. WHich is my problem but still sharing is important to me.

TNDommeK -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 11:45:06 AM)
You need to also remember to make choices for yourself. We do not know what your relationship is like or how he is etc. You know what is going on and how you feel. Every woman has gut feelings, whether she chooses to acknowledge them is on her. Use your mind, go with what you feel. or deal with what is to come. That is the best advice that I know to give.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 11:47:50 AM)
I gotta go with LaT and the ManlyEssence on this one, your "other" (be they dom or sub or whatevah) playing these kinds of games HAS to be a deal breaker, or you are not being true to yourself quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse And to ME, it is a game of the wrong kind. To ME, it's a huge sign of weakness on the part of the dominant wanna be person. I enjoy mind fucks tremendously but I don't EVER want a slave of mine questioning my commitment to them, my honesty, my integrity, their trust in me, etc.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 12:01:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TNDommeK You need to also remember to make choices for yourself. We do not know what your relationship is like or how he is etc. You know what is going on and how you feel. Every woman has gut feelings, whether she chooses to acknowledge them is on her. Use your mind, go with what you feel. or deal with what is to come. That is the best advice that I know to give. Thanks, good advice. I dont plan on letting anyone make the decision for me, but discussing it as really helped me with others ways of thinking about the trust issues. I am chosing not to trust fully because of what is important to me, not because I really have proof of a reason to distrust.

LadyPact -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 12:22:09 PM)
I'm going against the tide here. A lot of these posts are coming across as though you feel you have the right to know. Frankly, you don't. There are only two areas that I believe makes you entitled to have the information that you want. One would be that you have a promise (not just a hope or a desire) of monogamy. I'm not seeing that anywhere in any of the posts. If you had some version of him telling you that you are his only relationship, and you have reason to expect that is not honest, that would give you the right to know. Two would be that you are fluid bonded and/or not practicing safer sex and you believe he has other sexual partners with whom he also has unprotected sex. That would make it a health issue for you and you would have a legitimate concern. I get that it's been eighteen months, but if this was a vanilla relationship and you put it in those terms, you guys have a date every two to three weeks. Getting together every few weeks doesn't necessarily imply that it's anything more. If you got rid of the titles of Master and slave and looked at this as a casual dating situation, would you think you had the right to know? If it were Me that you were seeing, I wouldn't avoid answering. I'd tell you that whomever else I was seeing wasn't your business.

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