RE: Desperate need of advice

RE: Desperate need of advice (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 10:39:48 PM)
OP, I'm sorry, but I'm leaning with Janah here. You knew all along there were "others". The man even basically asked if you wanted to compete to be the first girl. How do you possibly think that makes you the only girl? The only thing that is lacking here is the man turning into Captain Obvious so he can just look at you and say five words. "Yes, I date other women." If you go back and read your own posts, it's very easy to see that the man has never promised you otherwise. I know what you said earlier, but I have this sneaking suspicion that, if you did get those five words out of the man, it wouldn't be good enough. I could be wrong, but I don't see you as being able to accept that he has parts of his life (his dating of others) that he doesn't want to share with you. ETA - I hate to say it, but what you are experiencing right now is because you didn't know what you signed up for. Never enter into agreements in relationships if you don't know what they mean.

sheisreeds -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 5:09:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens Honestly no I didn't give him a list of my expectations, I did not even know what they were. He introduced me to this lifestyle and it was an instant attraction mentally and physically, but as far as this problem I am discussing now, no I didnt give him expectations, it didnt come up for awhile, didnt even think about it, I was just so thrown for a loop of the emotions and discoveries, I had no idea what to expect. I was so happy that I was blind for awhile and issues didnt pop up for awhile. It was a frenzy and I just didnt know what rules applied. But I see same rules apply now as with any relationship. It seems now in our relationship, which is stupid I know, now I am getting serious about my needs. Thats my fault, he has never lied to my knowledge. Just fails to answer or says you will know what you need to know for the time. I just feel we are at some turning point and before I go deeper, I need to get things cleared up or walk. He has been reliable. If I need him he is there, always. This is pretty important though to me the sharing part, I hate to end our relationship when we have other things that are so good. I am the one not trusting, he has never proven to be untrustworthy. Its just the evasion breeds mistrust in me. WHich is my problem but still sharing is important to me. You never told him what you needed or expect, now those needs are incredibly important. This is less about questions you have, and more about stating what you need and why. Some those needs come in the form of knowledge from him. It is about: Now that things have gotten more serious, I feel I need to know more about you to continue trusting you. Along with all the other needs you have. Needs are needs, he's either gonna meet them or he is not. Then you have decisions to make. I am with Janah though, it seems like you do not want to make these decisions. For whatever reason the status qup is uncomfortable, but not a deal breaker. What draws me to that conclusion is not having ever discussed your needs directly. No relationship can survive like that.

Rule -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 5:18:19 AM)
You'd be wise to hire a detective.

givemyall -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 5:22:40 AM)
FR I empathise with the way you are feeling, it is so hard being in a relationship where one person is being evasive. Its that feeling of not being let in on all the facts and that can hurt and eventually will kill off any trust you have between you. I've recently come out of a relationship with someone who was diagnosed as a compulsive liar (I didnt know this when I met him), so I know how much it can affect you when someone is being evasive and you get that horrid feeling in your stomach that you are being lied to. It becomes a constant worry as to why you are not being told the truth and your mind starts to race and come up with all sorts of things - believe me, the only way forward is for him to be completely honest and open with you - if he cant be that, then you have to think long and hard about how long you want to feel like you do now. I've lost about 50% of my hair over the past couple of months and I put it down to the stress he has caused me - no relationship is worth your health. I hope you manage to find some common ground where you both feel happy being 100% honest with each other

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 5:53:43 AM)
Thank you givemyall. I wish you a healthy recovery and a future fulfilling relationship. lol, I don't need a detective, because the evasive behaviour is good enough for me to make a decision and less expensive. Last night I asked the same question and I got the same answer. I stated how I felt and how I couldn't get past it and his response was "YOU WILL AND YOU CAN, quit overthinking everything" translation to me was "JUST DONT THINK" That response felt like a devaluing of how I feel. So I will return the favor and he will just not be able to get ahold of me anymore. Wanted to leave me guessing, he will also get the same treatment. He doesnt even know I wont be seeing him anymore, the evasion should give him a clue. I really liked the man, and wanted myself to give the chance for a possible solution but its not going to work. It is a deal breaker. I am not afraid of being alone, I wont be I already have a date lined up. I have tired of the nawing in the pit of my stomach, and not being true to myself.

KnightofMists -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 5:54:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens I would really appreciate any honest, staight forward advice about a relationship I have. I am ashamed to say Im having trouble finding my own answers, and was hoping peoples perspective might open a door. I am a slave without full disclosure from my master. When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. We have a internet/real meeting relationship and live in different towns. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. AM I wrong? He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship. I really wonder how other's whether sub or dom would feel about it. Why somoene would not share information and why, when I say Im okay with whatever the answer is. I really only have questions for you Before you found this current relationship.... What kinda of relationship did you imagine having? Is your current relationship what you imagine? Is it possible that can be what you imagined? Was what you imagined realistic? What did you imagine? Do you feel fulfilled in the current relationship? Do believe this relationship gives you what you want and need? I think you have the answers already..I just think you are scared to take the steps in direction the answers tell you to go

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 6:04:41 AM)
Okay, that is good you have come to this decision. You now know what you need in a relationship. But um, don't line up dates (please). You won't be okay with someone unless and until you are okay with yourself. That means being okay with being alone. Very hard to do. You really should spend some time thinking about why YOU, YOU chose to get so involved with someone who was not willing to communicate with you on a basic level. Sure, you can go on bad mouthing him for being a dick or whatever, that won't change who HE is. How about you? You can change you. You can decide to stick up for yourself and be true to yourself. But that won't happen unless you take the time to reflect and ponder and uncover some things about yourself you may not like. I've had to do it (more than once). It's tough work. I came so close to losing someone great b/c I was too screwed up to deal with him. It took me several months of therapy (again, not for the first time). Please get help with this.

givemyall -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 6:05:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens Thank you givemyall. I wish you a healthy recovery and a future fulfilling relationship. lol, I don't need a detective, because the evasive behaviour is good enough for me to make a decision and less expensive. Last night I asked the same question and I got the same answer. I stated how I felt and how I couldn't get past it and his response was "YOU WILL AND YOU CAN, quit overthinking everything" translation to me was "JUST DONT THINK" That response felt like a devaluing of how I feel. So I will return the favor and he will just not be able to get ahold of me anymore. Wanted to leave me guessing, he will also get the same treatment. He doesnt even know I wont be seeing him anymore, the evasion should give him a clue. I really liked the man, and wanted myself to give the chance for a possible solution but its not going to work. It is a deal breaker. I am not afraid of being alone, I wont be I already have a date lined up. I have tired of the nawing in the pit of my stomach, and not being true to myself. Thank you! It sounds like you have decided to take charge of the situation in a very positive way - I really hope you can stick to your guns and not fall back into the trap of wondering 'what if'. The response you received lastnight made me smile, liars have set comments they like to throw at you when asked a question they dont want to face up to or answer. I always used to get 'oh ok' which translated to, 'im not happy but I wont tackle you about it, because I will lose' or 'think what you want' - that one translated to 'OMG shes found me out and I have no excuse'. I have used humour to get over it, it helped and stopped me going mad, its sometimes good to look back and laugh at how gullible we can be :) Believe me, when that gnawing stops in your stomach, you will feel so much better. Good luck with your future and enjoy your date!

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 6:21:19 AM)
I already have been going through the "what ifs" for awhile now. I dont even know if he is lying about anything, I just know I am the type who requires straight answers and he doesnt feel he needs to give them. He doesnt have too, but I know its not right for me. No happiness or fulfillment in not getting your needs or wants met. You might have a glimmer here and there but it never lasts, and the gnawing questions come up again. The date I have is with a very good friend.I feel I shouldnt be alone right now because I will get sad and needy. Getting out and just having fun is what I need, staying busy and not dwelling. I will be lining up alot of Gf nights too!!!

sheisreeds -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 6:23:17 AM)
Figuring yourself out, and learning from your own behavior is equally important. Otherwise you're likely to end up hitting repeat in another 6 months.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 6:35:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Okay, that is good you have come to this decision. You now know what you need in a relationship. But um, don't line up dates (please). You won't be okay with someone unless and until you are okay with yourself. That means being okay with being alone. Very hard to do. You really should spend some time thinking about why YOU, YOU chose to get so involved with someone who was not willing to communicate with you on a basic level. Sure, you can go on bad mouthing him for being a dick or whatever, that won't change who HE is. How about you? You can change you. You can decide to stick up for yourself and be true to yourself. But that won't happen unless you take the time to reflect and ponder and uncover some things about yourself you may not like. I've had to do it (more than once). It's tough work. I came so close to losing someone great b/c I was too screwed up to deal with him. It took me several months of therapy (again, not for the first time). Please get help with this. I appreciate this advice but I'm sorry I dont feel I need therapy. I know why I got myself into what I did now. First BDSm relationship, overcome with new feelings and somehow I threw everything out the window for awhile, very basic needs. I somehow felt different rules applied and I liked the new feeling so I just wanted to leave it alone and enjoy it. Since I ignorred basic needs and felt we were getting more serious, my own needs popped up and I started realizing the reality of them not being met. I just needed a push and some input to help me resolve things. I just dont feel screwed up, I just feel I made a wrong choice which is easily remedied by ending things. I am curious, do you think I am the one screwing up the relationship?

LaTigresse -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 6:44:54 AM)
The relationship was screwed up before you had a chance to screw it up. Your responsibility was figuring out how screwed up it was, before entering it. You didn't, you paid the price.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 6:52:40 AM)
I will just rack it up as 18 months of a valuable learning experience. I had some fun so it wasnt a total loss. Just making a clean break from a bad match.

kalikshama -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 6:55:26 AM)
quote: I am curious, do you think I am the one screwing up the relationship? He started screwing it up, but you allowed it to continue. Next time express your needs much sooner.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 7:02:09 AM)
I think everyone needs a questionare they hand out in the beginning of relationships before you EVEN think about pursuing something. I dont care how cute they are or hot or smart or witty or loaded. Once you get involved its really easy to fool yourself because you want too. If they cant hit on the minimum needs, move onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Those minimum needs become HUGE later, you cant over look them for long. and if you do you become unhealthy, the longer it goes on the more unhealthy. If someone is not a good match, doesnt matter how bad you want the match, it makes you unhappy or it did me.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 7:14:15 AM)
You know yourself better than anyone else here. So, do as you see fit. But if you see yourself repeating a bad pattern, stop that shit in it's tracks and take yourself to a professional for some sorting. How does that sound? As far as your relationship, you both worked to screw it up. He by being evasive, you by letting it ride. Best, CP

givemyall -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 7:21:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens If they cant hit on the minimum needs, move onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Those minimum needs become HUGE later, you cant over look them for long. I wish my ex's 'minimum needs' had been HUGE - but alas he failed in that department too......ahhhh! Sorry, couldn't resist that one :) Naughty me....slap on the hand :)

RaSad -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 7:35:00 AM)
To be honest is the basis of any relationship. If you have asked such a straight forward question, i think you should get a straight forward answer. The question of how many persons are involved in a relationship, to me, is critical. Are you interested in sharing or being shared? The answer to that is basic to you, and your Masters feelings on that issue should be known to you going into the relationship.

LadyPact -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 9:08:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens I think everyone needs a questionare they hand out in the beginning of relationships before you EVEN think about pursuing something. I dont care how cute they are or hot or smart or witty or loaded. Once you get involved its really easy to fool yourself because you want too. If they cant hit on the minimum needs, move onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. Those minimum needs become HUGE later, you cant over look them for long. and if you do you become unhealthy, the longer it goes on the more unhealthy. If someone is not a good match, doesnt matter how bad you want the match, it makes you unhappy or it did me. Negotiation; It's not just for scenes.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/21/2012 10:13:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt You know yourself better than anyone else here. So, do as you see fit. But if you see yourself repeating a bad pattern, stop that shit in it's tracks and take yourself to a professional for some sorting. How does that sound? As far as your relationship, you both worked to screw it up. He by being evasive, you by letting it ride. Best, CP Absolutely, agreed. Thanks all. and GIVEMYALL..........hahahahaha........his need wasnt that HUGE anyway.....funny shit.

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