RE: Desperate need of advice

RE: Desperate need of advice (Full Version)

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JanahX -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 12:34:28 PM)
Him ignoring your question about how many others there are and then telling you "you know what you need to know" is your answer. -That being that there are others. How many? Who knows. Depending on what your boundaries are, and what you want, (some prefer monogamous - some prefer poly) is how you should guide your relationship. Take the D/s out of the equation. And look at this through what you admire and respect in another person. I see so many people that get caught up in the D/s part,-and them thinking that being a sub/slave/bottom - makes it so that they feel they dont have the right to set boundaries. Then they think that the Master/Dom(me)/Top can do or say whatever they want, because the sub puts them on some pedestal that turns them into some kind of god that has the right to defiy human respect and courtesy. The reason he is not answering you is obvious - He is avoiding telling you something so he can avoid conflict and you leaving him. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He is a coward. quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens I would really appreciate any honest, staight forward advice about a relationship I have. I am ashamed to say Im having trouble finding my own answers, and was hoping peoples perspective might open a door. I am a slave without full disclosure from my master. When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. We have a internet/real meeting relationship and live in different towns. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. AM I wrong? He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship. I really wonder how other's whether sub or dom would feel about it. Why somoene would not share information and why, when I say Im okay with whatever the answer is.

OsideGirl -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 1:34:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Two would be that you are fluid bonded and/or not practicing safer sex and you believe he has other sexual partners with whom he also has unprotected sex. That would make it a health issue for you and you would have a legitimate concern. Actually, I disagree with this. I have the right to choose whether I'm involved with someone that is involved with someone else. I can't make that decision without the facts. That doesn't mean that I need the exact details, but it does mean that I should get an answer and make my decision based on that answer.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 1:57:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Actually, I disagree with this. I have the right to choose whether I'm involved with someone that is involved with someone else. I can't make that decision without the facts. That doesn't mean that I need the exact details, but it does mean that I should get an answer and make my decision based on that answer. I agree. Everyone has the right to know where they are in the relationship, even if where they are is: "You are a potential s-type (or d-type) and we are in the getting to know and exploring stage. " And I would add for clarity's sake that the getting to know stage means I might be exploring relationships with others, and that you have no specific right to pry into what I consider my private life. And the same would be true for me, they might be exploring with others, and I would have no right to pry. This would change (for me at least) once we determined we were going to pursue a dynamic. Then that potential is a potential no longer and does have the right to know exactly where they stand. Now, I'm poly, so that is clear waaaaaaay before we get to this stage. It's clear before we talk on the phone. Poly does tend to confuse people, and can make them feel insecure. So I understand and make allowances for the other's need for ongoing clarification as to where exactly they stand.

sheisreeds -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 2:06:03 PM)
If you don't state what you need out of a relationship, you cannot even begin to expect it. Besides asking questions, be sure you are communicating your needs in a relationship. Your exceptions, needs, and desires need to be discussed. You cannot know if he can fulfill your needs without telling him what they are. Question asking can become passive aggressive without the context of how those questions fit into what you need from the relationship.

LadyPact -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 2:10:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Actually, I disagree with this. I have the right to choose whether I'm involved with someone that is involved with someone else. I can't make that decision without the facts. That doesn't mean that I need the exact details, but it does mean that I should get an answer and make my decision based on that answer. Yes, you have the right to choose if you are only able to be in a relationship that is exclusive or not. I think that has much more to do with whether a person can accept being in a relationship with someone who is poly. Let's see if I can get My thoughts out there the right way. I'm looking at this from a dating perspective. When two people go out on their first date, there's no promise that the person does not date other folks casually as well. Unless the person you are seeing says that their status changes at some point later down the line, there's no reason for people to assume there are not other people in their life. No matter how long it's been that there is a date with that person once every three weeks, it shouldn't be assumed that anything has changed since that first date. Longevity (the eighteen months) really doesn't have anything to do with it. Neither does the fact that they are choosing to call each other Master and slave. No promise was made (that I've seen on the thread) that the OP should think otherwise. Coming from My perspective of being poly, unless there is some kind of family unit being attempted, I don't see a thing wrong with V type poly, meaning that the only connection between the two women is their independent relationships with the one man. I'm not seeing that on this thread and I'm certainly not seeing it from this particular OP. She wants him to share with her (very important wording there) information about his other relationships, even though those relationships have nothing to do with her. It seems pretty clear to Me that he is wanting to keep his relationships separate and not talk about one woman to the other woman or discuss his other relationships with her at all. I think that is the part that bothers the OP. The fact the he doesn't want to bring her into that part of his life.

CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 2:15:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact f it were Me that you were seeing, I wouldn't avoid answering. I'd tell you that whomever else I was seeing wasn't your business. That is not evasion though... that is an honest response. Perhaps him stating you know what you need to know is an honest response and not an evasion for him, fuck if I know? Only the OP can decide what she can or cannot accept and if she cannot accept, then I would suggest leave before she get's more entangle. This is why communication up front is important, people do not always adapt well when the rules change...

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 3:17:33 PM)
No promises were made of monogamy and yes I just 'wanted" to know. I suspect he is seeing others. What hurts is he won't share this part of his life, that part of opening up to me and just being straight. I guess this is not who he is or what he wants to do. He reserves the right to keep it private. When we met after awhile he asked me if I wanted to compete for top position. Of course I was dumb as a brick to what that meant, cause I had no experience as to what he was talking about. I said yes I like you enough to compete. 12 months later I was collared. I know more then I did, and I assume he is poly now. I just wanted him to tell me thats all. According to him I am only the second collar he has gave out in his lifetime ahd she died 8 yrs ago and I believe that. I thought that after being collared, he would open up to me. I should have never allowed the collaring to happen until I had complete clarity.

sexyred1 -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 3:38:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse And to ME, it is a game of the wrong kind. To ME, it's a huge sign of weakness on the part of the dominant wanna be person. I enjoy mind fucks tremendously but I don't EVER want a slave of mine questioning my commitment to them, my honesty, my integrity, their trust in me, etc. Thank you, I was just going to say if you think that a relationship is a game, then that is not a game I am interested in. My ex started being withholding about basic information and being very evasive and getting angry when asked anything. Even if he was not doing anything wrong, it made me THINK he was by the controlling way he refused to answer. There is no trust when someone does not communicate and if he is "testing" you, a concept which I loathe, then he is the one who failed the test.

sheisreeds -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 3:39:19 PM)
If you don't understand a question that is asked, it is your responsibility to say so? Do you want monogamy? Say so! Do you have certain needs to be more comfortable with poly, SAY SO! This in the end is less about whether or not your questions are appropriate, and more about being clear about what you want.

LadyPact -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 3:42:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens No promises were made of monogamy and yes I just 'wanted" to know. I suspect he is seeing others. What hurts is he won't share this part of his life, that part of opening up to me and just being straight. I guess this is not who he is or what he wants to do. He reserves the right to keep it private. When we met after awhile he asked me if I wanted to compete for top position. Of course I was dumb as a brick to what that meant, cause I had no experience as to what he was talking about. I said yes I like you enough to compete. 12 months later I was collared. I know more then I did, and I assume he is poly now. I just wanted him to tell me thats all. According to him I am only the second collar he has gave out in his lifetime ahd she died 8 yrs ago and I believe that. I thought that after being collared, he would open up to me. I should have never allowed the collaring to happen until I had complete clarity. We're getting closer here, but I'm just going to ask you straight out. Are you asking him if there are other people in his life because you want to know if there are other women? Orrrr..... Is it more that you want him to discuss the other relationships with you so you will feel "included" in that part of his life? These really are two different things. Particularly if it is the latter and he feels that they are separate relationships and therefore, not willing to share the details with you.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 4:03:48 PM)
Yes I am asking if he has other women in his life. I dont want the details, just the admittance instead of the answer you will know what you need to know. I think knowing if somoene is poly or not is pretty important. Getting further emotionally entangled in a situation is not a persons best interest if they cant make a decision if they dont even know what the truth is.

JanahX -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 4:08:53 PM)
At this point who cares what he says. Youre going to go along with it anyways. Collar-shmaller. "oh Im only the second person he's ever collared, I had to fight other women to be his #1 gal - AND HE PICKED ME!! whoo hooo!!" - How special he must make you feel. Keep kidding yourself. It'll all work out in the end- you'll see. quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens No promises were made of monogamy and yes I just 'wanted" to know. I suspect he is seeing others. What hurts is he won't share this part of his life, that part of opening up to me and just being straight. I guess this is not who he is or what he wants to do. He reserves the right to keep it private. When we met after awhile he asked me if I wanted to compete for top position. Of course I was dumb as a brick to what that meant, cause I had no experience as to what he was talking about. I said yes I like you enough to compete. 12 months later I was collared. I know more then I did, and I assume he is poly now. I just wanted him to tell me thats all. According to him I am only the second collar he has gave out in his lifetime ahd she died 8 yrs ago and I believe that. I thought that after being collared, he would open up to me. I should have never allowed the collaring to happen until I had complete clarity.

SongofSirens -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 4:52:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX At this point who cares what he says. Youre going to go along with it anyways. Collar-shmaller. "oh Im only the second person he's ever collared, I had to fight other women to be his #1 gal - AND HE PICKED ME!! whoo hooo!!" - How special he must make you feel. Keep kidding yourself. It'll all work out in the end- you'll see. quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens No promises were made of monogamy and yes I just 'wanted" to know. I suspect he is seeing others. What hurts is he won't share this part of his life, that part of opening up to me and just being straight. I guess this is not who he is or what he wants to do. He reserves the right to keep it private. When we met after awhile he asked me if I wanted to compete for top position. Of course I was dumb as a brick to what that meant, cause I had no experience as to what he was talking about. I said yes I like you enough to compete. 12 months later I was collared. I know more then I did, and I assume he is poly now. I just wanted him to tell me thats all. According to him I am only the second collar he has gave out in his lifetime ahd she died 8 yrs ago and I believe that. I thought that after being collared, he would open up to me. I should have never allowed the collaring to happen until I had complete clarity. ?????.....not sure where that came from but okay.

JanahX -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 5:28:41 PM)
Im saying it because its been a long term situation - theres been major red flags all along, and the chances of you leaving the way I see it, is slim to none. The fact that you had to come here at all and ask the obvious - when you already knew the answer - makes me think that youre too weak or desperate to leave this person - Youd rather have someone decieve you than be alone. Ive seen this sort of thing so many times with my real life friends its actually kind of staggering. And no - they never leave.

seekingreality -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 7:32:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens I would really appreciate any honest, staight forward advice about a relationship I have. I am ashamed to say Im having trouble finding my own answers, and was hoping peoples perspective might open a door. I am a slave without full disclosure from my master. When I ask certain questions he will either ignor them, or say you will know what you need to know. We have a internet/real meeting relationship and live in different towns. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. The biggest question he ignors is how many others are there, if any. He will not answer. I think this is something he should share with me. AM I wrong? He and I have been through so much and his denial of various questions makes trusting him very difficult. Is not trust the foundation of a healthy relationship. I really wonder how other's whether sub or dom would feel about it. Why somoene would not share information and why, when I say Im okay with whatever the answer is. #1: When people say "I'm OK with any answer," it doesn't necessarily mean they are really OK with any answer. #2: We indicate what is important to us by our actions. If you keep telling him, "I want you to answer this," but his failure to answer doesn't affect how your interact with him, you are really telling him it doesn't matter whether he answers or now. #3: It doesn't sound like you have a healthy relationship. Decide what you really want and make that a deal breaker. If you can't do that. shit, why the hell shouldn't he do whatever he wants? #4: My guess is there are others, maybe others. Why doesn't he tell you? ... Why should he? He's getting what he wants from you as is, so why should he risk telling you anything that will change you the situation? I wouldn't in his shoes.

kalikshama -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:03:20 PM)
quote: I should have never allowed the collaring to happen until I had complete clarity. I certainly would not have, but then, I wouldn't be collared by an out-of-towner either. Domestic service is an essential part of a D or M/s dynamic for me.

OsideGirl -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:10:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens I thought that after being collared, he would open up to me. The vanilla version: "That will change after we're married".

AVegasMaster -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:24:09 PM)
After reading all of these answers, I have to add my thoughts. I can't understand why he would not tell you if he was seeing others or not. You have a right to know. If he is seeing others then you can decide if you can live with that.

kalikshama -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:34:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl quote: ORIGINAL: SongofSirens I thought that after being collared, he would open up to me. The vanilla version: "That will change after we're married". Or "That will change after we have a baby."

lizi -> RE: Desperate need of advice (7/20/2012 9:42:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AVegasMaster After reading all of these answers, I have to add my thoughts. I can't understand why he would not tell you if he was seeing others or not. You have a right to know. If he is seeing others then you can decide if you can live with that. Why is it so hard to understand that he thinks she will walk if he tells her the truth? That's why he won't say, wants everything to continue as is. Is it the right thing to do? No. At the very least she has a right to know how many others are a part of his sex life so she can take appropriate precautions.

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