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RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 11:35:10 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		The more responses and opinions which I've read here, I am fairly sure that I need to adjust my attitude. Yes, I do fear that if she decided she wanted Him back, He would go. And, I told Him that and He vehemently denies it. It's the "He felt lightning and she didn't" part that concerns me. What if she realizes what she lost and feels the lightning?

Bottom line - anyone have tips on how to squelch jealousy?

(in reply to Winterapple)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 11:45:21 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		I wanted to thank you Winterapple because what you've written makes me think I can do better than this. Give it time... and see if I can gain more clarity about what their relationship really means to ours.

He just wrote, so I have some immediate tasks to tend to, but I will check back later to see if there is more insight offered.

Thank YOU everyone!

(in reply to Winterapple)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 11:47:49 AM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		Jealousy is poison.  D/s or not.  It tears relationships apart.  I don't think there are any fast and easy fixes.  There are really only two possibilities here: your jealousy is warranted because he is being dishonest with you OR you are letting your insecurities get the better of you with a man you should trust.  Only time is going to tell which it is.  But, if it's the latter, and you can't curb your jealousy you could push him away.  Don't turn this into a self-fulfilling prophesy.  

(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 11:55:21 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedHisPleasure

Oh, I see. Ummm, well, I guess it's that she does what He advises, checks for his approval and she has not responded to my email to her, wishing her well and saying that I could be counted on to support their friendship. She's not that busy!


That's not D/s. That's two friends inter-acting. He's not giving her orders with consequences if they're not followed. He's providing requested advice, she's taking that advice and she's verifying whether it worked.

As to the email, you never know what is going on in someone else's life or inbox. Chances are she's probably aware of how you feel about her and quite frankly, if I had received an email like that, I'd think it odd and set it to the side.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
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RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 12:28:39 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedHisPleasure

Is there anything that either He does or that you do or that His ex does, that
1) lets you know that it is only a friendship now
2) that frees you from jealousy (if you tend to be that way at all anyway)?



1) I've spoken with her on the phone occasionally. I hear the way that he speaks to and about her. There is no D/s there.

2) I don't tend to be jealous because jealousy stems from insecurity. As a monogamous woman, he knows a lack of fidelity is a hard limit. I am secure enough in who I am and my value that I know that I DESERVE someone who is monogamous as well. I wouldn't tolerate an emotional or sexual affair. I've often "joked" (warned?) with him that if I find him in bed with another woman that she would go home with his testicles in her handbag.



_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 12:48:53 PM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks Everyone! I've concluded that this is my insecurity, to get a grip on my jealousy, to learn more, to give it time... and then, if it is warranted - end it. Meanwhile, the multiple perspectives here have helped immensely. I love Him - I must be on a learning curve.

Again - my sincerest thanks to each of you who took the time to read, consider and reply to my confusion.

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 12:50:40 PM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		LOL - well, that was very clear! And, helps me. Thanks.

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 12:55:27 PM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks. I see what you mean... about the "no consequences," unless they are emotional ones - of which I am not yet sure.

As for the email, I meant it in the spirit of "sisterhood." That was weeks ago. He told me she asked for my contact information and when she didn't follow through, I thought perhaps she might feel awkward. So, I made what I thought was a friendly gesture. Perhaps, a mistake. I make lots of those. I appreciate your input. Truly, it helped.


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 1:34:07 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedHisPleasure

The more responses and opinions which I've read here, I am fairly sure that I need to adjust my attitude. Yes, I do fear that if she decided she wanted Him back, He would go. And, I told Him that and He vehemently denies it. It's the "He felt lightning and she didn't" part that concerns me. What if she realizes what she lost and feels the lightning?

Bottom line - anyone have tips on how to squelch jealousy?


Squelching jealousy is hard, I'm not always the better person I'd like to be.
I think it comes down to being absolutely honest with yourself as to whether or not he's given you anything to be on edge about. Many times you just have to take the leap and say I could be jealous over pretty much anything, and I have to now make a concerted effort to just accept what we have unless I get some incontrovertible piece of evidence that points to the contrary.

What makes it hard is that finding out someone is involved elsewhere most of the time includes lots of little pieces of things that add up. Which is why I advocate for looking at everything you have and see if it really points at anything or not. Then depending on that, if you need to just put it aside, do that. It might still come back to bite you in the ass but you have to take that risk if you're going to have anything real with the man, or forever be holding back on him because of being insecure.

(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 1:44:02 PM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		Hi OsideGirl, I just wanted to comment on your "quite frankly." THAT is why I asked the wise women here. Thank you.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 1:46:39 PM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you, lizi. I have to agree - some soul-searching, plus some paying close attention are what I intend to do. I have never loved anyone as I love HIM. I may be over-sensitive or just plain confused. Time will tell.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 3:23:22 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I wish I could give you advise on squelching jealousy other than to talk to him and just sit back and hope and do your best to just be the best partner you can. I know, it's definitely hard. I still have troubles with it even though I know it's irrational and there's no reason for it but it still eats at me sometimes. When it gets really bad I ask him if we can talk and it helps a lot until the next time I start feeling like that again. There are times I hate bringing it up time and time again but thankfully he doesn't mind and wants me to talk to him about my problems.

So keep the communication open and love one another.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 4:33:53 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I am going to say something that might not be taken well.

And that is that I am a big believer at a certain age, that you should listen to your inner voice that sees red flags.

Now, I agree that insecurity can create jealousy where there may be no reason to have any and I also believe that actions of other people often confirm something that their words do not.

So, in this and any case, it is not for us to tell the OP how to get rid of jealousy, more that she needs to get a grip on her emotions and fear and listen to her head.


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 5:21:55 PM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you littlewonder. Tonight, I did just what you suggested (before I got to read your post) and I discovered that my Dom is patient and available to answer my questions, even if I need to ask the same ones again.

He also "educated" me more about how BDSM community relationships may end, or transform. That helped.

And, finally, yes - the jealousy/insecurity feelings are not completely gone, but I decided to give myself a little time to just integrate new knowledge. He has never given me a reason to not trust Him. And, we do adore each other and fit so well...

Thank you

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 5:24:00 PM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		sexyred1 I agree with you about listening to yourself. My head, though, seems to have been full of ignorance in this case. I do appreciate your thoughtful input and what you have offered has been "taken well."

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 5:37:24 PM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		I agree, it's a situation that requires a cool head.
Don't let jealousy take over and destroy things
but don't bury your head in the sand either.

There are women who may not want their
ex back but they don't want him to be happy
with anyone else either. And there are
women who like to keep an ex in reserve
if their new relationship doesn't work out.

I think exes can be friends with no monkey
business. But I also think you should respect
your partners feelings and have clear
boundaries. Reminds me of Princess Di's
line about there were three people in this
relationship from the beginning so it
was a bit crowded.

You can't drive someone out of another
persons heart. You have to make your
peace with it the best you can or leave
the relationship if it's intolerable to you.

Risking being hurt is the price we pay
for taking a chance on love and intimacy.


_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud




(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/6/2012 7:25:02 PM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline 		About squashing jelousy.....I've learned it can not truly be squashed at least not for me. But having security in myself, eases it because being secure in myself, I find security in my relationships. With that said, sometimes the green eyed monster appears for whatever reason and I simply admit that it's there. I tell my partner, when I experience jealousy. Most of the time, I laugh when I admit it, but admitting it relieves me of the feeling. I never hide it, never beat around the bush, never hold it in, I just let it out....for me it helps. Admitting it gives me security....and it strengthens our trust. He can trust me to let him see my negative feelings as well as my positive ones, I get trust in return because he takes my feelings into consideration.

And personally, if my partner had a friendship with another woman, unless I knew her personally, I would not call her, or email her. I'd simply trust that he could handle it...if she was trying to rekindle things, I would trust him to SQUASH it. For me, if I emailed her or called her without personally being introduced, I'd feel like I was trying real hard to NOT show my jealousy and being cool with their friendship even though I might not be.

I agree with Osie and if I were the friend, I'd personally ignore emails or phone calls, unless of course we'd been properly introduced. As a matter of fact, I have a former Dom who I am very close to. He lives nearby and we do on occasion get together to chill as friends, we break bread together, hang out watch a movie or whatever. If his current submissive emailed me, I'd ignore it perhaps say something to him about it because I would feel like it was drama waiting to happen...but personally he is one of my best friends and I do on occasion ask him for advice about things, and there have been times, that I really needed him for something and because he is my good friend, I know he would move heaven and earth to do for me if I needed him. He is really like family to me. And frankly, I'd think it silly for anyone to be jealous of our friendship. There is never any ill intentions with our friendship....we are NOT together as a couple for a reason but we both embrace our friendship and that is as far as it will ever go.

< Message edited by lilcracker -- 8/6/2012 7:26:24 PM >

(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/7/2012 7:44:24 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Jealousy for me occurs when my needs are not met. If he meets her needs but not yours, then yes, he's overinvested in the past relationship.

I also need my partner to be my best friend. If he got a raise or learns a family member is having serious health issues, who does he turn to for support primarily? You or her? For me, if it's her, then it isn't the right relationship for me. Irregardless if this is just a friendship, the fact that he is more invested in the relationship with the friend than with me would be something I could not get over.

I don't make someone a priority when they make me an option.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lilcracker)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/7/2012 8:19:37 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Using FR:

These kinds of questions (should I be jealous of my man or not?) drive me truly nuts. For me, the answer is always going to be, no. No woman should ever feel jealous towards a man, it is an exercise in futility. When in comes to sex, men pretty much always do whatever they are going to do regardless of how their women feel, so the best thing you can do is find one who won't cheat on you, init?

And no, I'm (mostly) not kidding.

Find one with a sense of integrity, then stop worrying. If you're still worrying, that's on you.

Personally I've found men who are so wonderful they have great relationships with the ex tend to be keepers. It does mean you have to have enough personal self worth not to be jealous of the ex.



_____________________________



(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/7/2012 10:11:51 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Well, I didn't consider my ex a keeper :), but we do have a great post D/s relationship. I cat-sat for him numerous times and he drove my car 1500 miles after I moved back to MA. We text frequently.


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(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 40
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