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RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/7/2012 10:42:49 AM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		I'm friends or friendly with my exes and have
become friends with their wives and new
partners. I respect that they have a new
primary relationship. If I send a Christmas
card I address it to both of them.
I have had private talks with an ex
but usually not anything that I would
care for them sharing with their new
partner.

On the other hand I've experienced
a partners ex who didn't want him anymore
but didn't want anyone else to have
him either.

And I've had men be jealous of my exes.
My first love is gay and has a longterm
partner but I've had men be threatened
by our closeness as has he.
I've had men be jealous of my boyfriend
who died or were jealous of the place
he will always have in my heart.

Jealousy is corrosive. When I'm centered
I can usually head it off. But if I'm stressed
or feeling insecure I can wallow it sometimes.
But whatever happens in a relationship
I know I can survive it, as the song says
my heart will go on and as the poet said
it's better to have loved and lost than to
never have loved at all.




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A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud




(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/7/2012 1:12:55 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedHisPleasure

The more responses and opinions which I've read here, I am fairly sure that I need to adjust my attitude. Yes, I do fear that if she decided she wanted Him back, He would go. And, I told Him that and He vehemently denies it. It's the "He felt lightning and she didn't" part that concerns me. What if she realizes what she lost and feels the lightning?

Bottom line - anyone have tips on how to squelch jealousy?


She ended the relationship 5 years ago.

She is involved with someone else.

She is not going to suddenly decide that she is now "hit by lightning".

As for her not responding to your email, chances are she was picking up on your feelings and just didn't want to deal with it.

She is his friend.
That doesn't make her yours automatically, and she probably knows she doesn't need your permission.

Perhaps she felt it is best you work your issues out with him without including her?

Dealing with jealousy means you have to deal with your own fears of inadequacy and insecurity about the relationship.

It is hard and it sucks.
The alternative is to find someone without a best friend of the opposite sex.




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(as deemed by He who owns me)

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(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/7/2012 1:23:21 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Well, I didn't consider my ex a keeper :), but we do have a great post D/s relationship. I cat-sat for him numerous times and he drove my car 1500 miles after I moved back to MA. We text frequently.




Yeah, that didn't quite come out right, did it?

LOL

Well, you *know* what I meant. And iffen you didn't, you're not a real true sub or dom or somethink.



_____________________________



(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/7/2012 4:13:12 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

It is hard and it sucks.
The alternative is to find someone without a best friend of the opposite sex.



Or someone who doesn't go on and on about how wonderful his ex was and how he would go back to her in a New York minute.

He set it up as a competition between a fantasy in his mind and the op. And the fantasy always wins.


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(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/11/2012 6:46:28 PM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		And, now, ladies, - here's how the conflict ended. "She" wrote a very beautiful letter to me. It included the "I won't trust you and will be suspicious of you for a little while. Protective of her friend's heart. Then she expressed the hope and interest to extend her hand in friendship to me. Isn't she awesome!
Yes, I talked to my Daddy Dom twice about my feelings and perceptions, and one by one, he just told me how he saw, and experienced the relationship, and now, I understand. A very patient and loving Dom, MY Sir William is. No one has ever treated me better. I was just a very stupid newbie subbie - insecure, don't know things yet.

Thank you each and every one of you. You each gave me something to think about, and trust me, I WILL.

Be Well!

(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/12/2012 2:25:00 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Wow, just wow.

However, it isn't about how she feels about you. It's about how he feels about this. Is he more happy that she feels like this about him or is he more upset that she would treat you this way? Because it doesn't look like you're ever going to be her best friend, which is fine as long as you only have to see her on rare occasions, hopefully with other people around. But you're in a relationship with him and his reaction to this is important.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/13/2012 10:47:25 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		Hi DesFIP, Yes, I agree that she and I do NOT have to become friends, but I thought it was classy and warm of her to extend her hand, and to be honest about her misgivings for a while. I think any of us whom have someone they love, and have watched their heart get broken, over and over... would feel protective for them.

From what I can surmise, so far... is that Sir does maintain a quasi-protector role with her. And, that she is the same with him. This is no threat to our relationship and no cause for jealousy. At least, not to me. Sounds like a vanilla friendship with a D/s history that simply wasn't compatible in that way. So, now they are as good, close friends are - just watching out for each other. Sir is taking us to the other end of the country to meet her, and her subbie.

My Sir has, and is, doing all he can to be certain that I know it - to my core- that he has never loved anyone as he does me. I'm who he has been waiting for and searching for his whole life. It wasn't her - it's me.

Really, I was being an insecure and silly newbie. My Sir is a faithful man, a monogamous man and also a man who is hopelessly in love with me. We'd make people sick with how close we are.

Even IF, when we visit her, I can feel a bond - it's unlikely to bother me a bit. Guys, of all sorts, need friends of both sexes. And, you know how that goes-once you've had a sexual relationship with anyone, that never goes away.

To me, this is a matter of newbie ignorance, misunderstanding and flat out, ugly jealousy. I am at peace now. My Sir is as dedicated to me as I am to him. As for her, she is marrying her subbie soon. It really does appear that I was wrong.

Thank you for giving me more to ponder, though.

Hugs,
Sir William's submissive

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/13/2012 11:11:54 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		Wow, Winterapple, you really are a deep thinker and it appears that you have run the gamut with types of jealousy after and during D/s relationships. Thank you for telling me about them.

When she first called, she had just finished a 1500 mile journey (further away from us) and was very ill. That is why she didn't respond to me quickly. Sir was going to be calling her the next day anyway, just to be sure the drive went safely and that she got moved in with her subbie there. It was with my Sir that she discovered she is really a Domme. So, that didn't work for them.

That day, I told him I was going to leave the room to give them some privacy and he said, "No, there is nothing we would say that you can't hear." That wasn't D/s of me - I'd have offered anyone my departure to afford them privacy.

I have the gift of 4 childhood friends, who remain my "real" family and there are things they would tell only me - and feel certain that I am always here as a confidant. I am referring to platonic, yet intimate, relationships. Sacred space, you know?

I even went so far as to explain this to my Sir - that she may need the privacy with him, knowing I'm not in the room while she speaks. He said the only "sacred space" he needs is with me. Also, he said that to her, they might still be more than friends (like family-ish), but to him, she's a friend and he just wants her to be happy. And, that she is - with her fiance'. I dont know what more he could say to me!

But, yesterday, was "pampered princess" day. He surprised me with doing the laundry, grocery shopping, while I rested with cucumber slices on my eyes. He dyed my hair. He shaved me from the waist down, filed my toe nails and then painted them. Then he gave me a full-body massage, put on mellow music, lit candles and surprised me with a lobster feast and cheesecake. Then he held me and kissed me and spent hours telling me how much he loves me and how we are forever bonded and he will never let me go. And, that went on and on and on and on, until he fell asleep mid-sentence.

So, yeah, me - newbie, made a mistake, got insecure and jealous. Wrong!

(in reply to Winterapple)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/13/2012 11:40:27 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
is he more upset that she would treat you this way?


I don't think the ex treated her in a manner to be upset about. She wrote a nice letter and nicely did the "I'm protective of my friends" routine, which all of us have done at some point.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/13/2012 11:55:01 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		OsideGirl, I think you caught this one right from the beginning when you suggested the possibility that my view may have been "slanted." That's exactly what I know now.

And, yes, my friends are watching him closely, too. And, of the 4 friends (true family) I wrote about here, one of them and I had a brief fling, but it was me who got him and one of the other 4 friends together. Over 20 years now, and we are all deeply close friends. So, I can handle this, even if in a way, she is still hooked on my Daddy Dom.

What I know is that I just had to do some soul-searching, and seek the advice here - because it's me who "owns" the jealousy. I'd prefer not to get that way. It feels un-loving in a way. Something spiritual I will be working on...

Thanks again, OsideGirl
Sir William's submissive

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/15/2012 11:16:22 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks lilcracker.

Your honesty and generosity in describing your own challenges with jealousy gives me food for thought.

As for my email to her... He told me she asked Him for my contact information so she could email me. The time between her request and (no email from her) made me think it was possible she might be feeling awkward, so I sent her a very warm and friendly and inviting email.

Again, it took a bit for her to respond, but by then, I found out she moved over a thousand miles and became very ill - THAT was why she delayed in responding to me. Her email to me was also friendly and inviting, with the usual caveat, "I'm watching... I hope you are true and don't break His heart." My friends have Him under the same scrutiny and friendly reserve. She expressed a hope that all is well and that she and I may become friends, too.

I really feel convinced now that even if He is pseudo-Domming her from afar, it has nothing to do with OUR bond. He's a protective, nurturing man by nature. He is faithful, loving and constantly re-assuring. I can't count how many times per day He tells me how much, and in how many ways He loves me, that I am the ONE He has been waiting for his whole life.

What can I say? I've been a very silly subbie. It is with the purest of hearts that I thank you for your (and each of the other women here) candor in your response to my (apparently all in my head) confusion. All is well is an understatement! smiles

(in reply to lilcracker)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/15/2012 11:23:44 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		DesFIP,
It is me who He turns to. He couldn't possibly give me more attention or care.

I was jealous because I realized, that she (as His best friend) is who He might turn to if He needed to talk about me or us. That invades my sense of privacy and sacred space. So, I told Him that this was my fear and He promised to protect our privacy. With that, I am calm and secure.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/15/2012 11:48:04 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Using FR:


quote:

Personally I've found men who are so wonderful they have great relationships with the ex tend to be keepers. It does mean you have to have enough personal self worth not to be jealous of the ex.


Hi ChatteParfaitt,

I have found a man who lives with integrity. I do, too, so I cannot submit to anyone who offers less. However, I'm glad you wrote it, because you've given me some clarity about my judgment - it always boils down to character and values. I hit the jackpot with my Daddy Dom!

What just happened is I had some maturity to regain (or learn).

This may sound pathetic... but I'm 51, and my life has been full of beauty and horrors. He is turning each of my past horrors into dust. Aside from friends (who are my real family), He is the first man (vanilla or D/s) who has truly loved me.

I agree with you that men who are this wonderful do "move on" in a very gentlemanly way - and that may include a lifetime friendship with an ex.

By the way, you and Dark Steven write my favorite posts to read! I simply adore clarity and find that I benefit from your experience, respectively.

That's my way of saying, "Thanks for being you!" (even if you don't give a damn - LOL)

Sir William's submissive,
tricia

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/15/2012 12:08:01 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		never mind, comment was answered elsewhere.

< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 8/15/2012 12:17:22 PM >

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(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/18/2012 6:06:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't think I'd appreciate having someone say she would be suspicious of me and her first reaction is that I'm not a good person. I think it's lovely that you weren't offended by that. I would have been.

It's just a really rude thing to say. Beyond that, if she's engaged, isn't her fiance her protector? D/s roles don't matter, think devoted knight and Queen as an example.

I'm glad you're talking things out with him, because that's what matters.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/18/2012 6:47:35 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Isn't she awesome!


Sure. As long as she's not hiding a knife behind her back!

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- Albert Einstein

(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/19/2012 8:34:01 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		Naaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww! It "sounds" like she and I actually share many interests, and I am open.

I also feel like since He and I have been through such deep heartaches, BOTH of our sets of friends are watching closely. I am not in the least bit offended by any of their feelings of caution.

If any knives are involved, we'll all be preparing a feast together! LOL


(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/19/2012 8:53:20 AM   
NeedHisPleasure


Posts: 31
Joined: 7/1/2012
Status: offline 		DesFIP, I'm not offended by her saying she would be basically, 1) really hoping that I mean what I say and do love her friend/ex-Dom...2) that he's a great man and she just doesn't want to see him taken advantage of...3) that she hopes it is all true and that one day she and I might build a friendship.

She's watched him go through some hurts and is just looking out for him as my friends do, me. He's under the same scrutiny because my love life was a sad thing to watch, until him!

Ultimately, He and I did a lot of talking. We do live together and He simply puts in the time, attention and care to help me through confusion and inexperience. His continuing care for her, does not feel like it could ever be any kind of threat to our relationship. Ever. But, I needed to know more before I could feel secure about that. So, that's what He gave me...more information.

As for her fiance - he's her submissive. She switched from subbie to Domme - which is why the D/s didn't work out for them

It's all good now.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/25/2012 5:57:21 AM   
Johngalt10


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/22/2012
Status: offline 		I see from this discussion that the sub loves the master (or Dom). That it also may be deeper than vanilla. If you love someone and they are intimate (physical and/or mentally) with another you get jealous and sick.
A lesson to me is don't see proDommes if you are likely to fall in love with them. Duh!

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Jealous of Daddy's old sub/friend - 8/25/2012 7:49:38 AM   
PrincessDonna11


Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline 		Everyone wants to talk about you may be jealous of this or that but you are saying you have this feeling and it bothers you because you suspect that more is going on then friendship. My advice is to examine that feeling, do NOT ignore your gut instinct, you may turn out t be totally wrong BUT I cant tell you how many subs I know that felt the same way you do, acted on it, and found out they were right! Being a Dom makes no oe perfect and he may have insecurities about YOUR relationship too and not be willing to let go of a friendship that worked for him in the past. Why isnt she willing to accept YOUR friendship too? He should let her know that you are together and when they talk YOU will be included.

(in reply to NeedHisPleasure)
Profile   Post #: 60
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