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Being needy... - 8/10/2012 11:00:29 AM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		A friend and i had a conversation about being needy, and how just by being a submissive we are naturally needy. I got upset by this because i dont want to be needy or clingly, it makes me(notice i put me) feel weak..true i do miss Sir very much when he's gone, for example now i do feel a little lost, but that doesnt make me needy...right? To all of the Masters/Dominants what is your take on this? Do you Masters/Dominants like for your subs to be needy?
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 11:12:21 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		Everyone has needs, regardless of dynamic, so phooey on your friends opinion.
I think the only time that being needy becomes ugly is when those needs are irrational and unreasonable.
For example, you miss your Master right now, which is normal, but you aren't on your last breath without
him, and you aren't texting him/calling him every hour to make sure he is still thinking of you. That would be needy.


Or are you?

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to ohsobroken)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 11:38:13 AM   
MercTech


Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline 		Being "needy" or "clingy" is a serious problem when it starts interfering with getting work done.

143 text messages while I am at work is an invitation to become part of history.

(in reply to poise)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 11:48:58 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		And of course, the true irony is that needy people, they never need what they think they do.
Why?
Because they are looking for externals to fill an internal void, and that just don't work.
Oh maybe it will for a lil while, months, maybe even years, but over the long run? Nada.
Their need is within. So is their solution.
But try convincing them of that :-)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 12:05:36 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Carol is traveling right now and I'm pretty put out by it. But like you, that's not "needy" it's more like "needing the woman I love".

To me, "needy" is a pejorative. It means "too much need" and so is automatically a bad thing.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ohsobroken)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 12:12:56 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I'm going to make one of those off the hip judgement calls and say anyone willing to call themselves "ohsobroken" has serious self esteem issues.

Address those, and perhaps you won't feel so needy. I agree with Jeff, needy means feeling too many needs, as let's face it, everyone has need.

It will always serve you well to have as many needs as can be addressed internally, that is, by your own self, as externally, that is, someone else has to do it, this is what Kana was saying, in his own obtuse yet Calvinistic way.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 8/10/2012 12:13:43 PM >

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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 12:16:26 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		There are times I am needy. During those times he can usually tell and we talk about it. I am not needy because I'm submissive. I'm needy because I love him.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 12:34:16 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

And of course, the true irony is that needy people, they never need what they think they do.
Why?
Because they are looking for externals to fill an internal void, and that just don't work.
Oh maybe it will for a lil while, months, maybe even years, but over the long run? Nada.
Their need is within. So is their solution.
But try convincing them of that :-)

Totally agree with the bolded part.

But if someone as needy as I used to be could figure it out, anyone can, when in a place of having to.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Kana)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 12:42:53 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		I wouldn't say I'm needy and I think those I have been in relationships with would attest to that. I have needs, of course, but I'm no more needy than the next woman. Besides, I would feel like a nuisance if I was, which is kind of the opposite of what I try to be.

I don't think feeling a little bit lost without the man in your life is being needy. It can be a pleasant sort of pain to acutely remind you of how important he is to you. Now, if you can't function enough to make a cup of coffee or pay your bills unless he's there to guide you through it, then yes, I would say you are needy. But feeling a bit lost without him? To paraphrase Jeff, you are not being needy. You are just needing your man.




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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 1:05:55 PM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		FR
I agree with what Kana said as I often do.
Unhealthy neediness comes from the inside
and another person can't fill that hole up.

All human beings have needs. I don't
think it's unhealthy to long for your
man when you're not with him. To miss
his presence, to want to hear his voice.
But if you're completely dysfunctional
without him and there's never enough
reassurances for you then you need to
take stock and work on yourself.

_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud




(in reply to Kaliko)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 1:48:01 PM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		Woah! Thats not fair at all. My username was chosen way before i met Sir, and fyi..i no longer feel that way.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 1:55:41 PM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

And of course, the true irony is that needy people, they never need what they think they do.
Why?
Because they are looking for externals to fill an internal void, and that just don't work.
Oh maybe it will for a lil while, months, maybe even years, but over the long run? Nada.
Their need is within. So is their solution.
But try convincing them of that :-)


I agree 100 percent :)

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 1:58:33 PM   
ohsobroken


Posts: 20
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		Thank You!!! Thats what i thought lol i can function and everything else..but damn..i didnt think just missing his voice or his laugh made me needy lol

(in reply to Kaliko)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 2:07:46 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken
Woah! Thats not fair at all. My username was chosen way before i met Sir, and fyi..i no longer feel that way.

Good, 'cause if you did I was going to refer you to the "culture of victimhood" thread going on *laughs*.

Your friend who thinks submissives are naturally needy is absolutely in my camp of "ticking time bomb waiting to go off". She's also in my camp of "toxic influences I want Carol to avoid at all costs." I am dead serious that if I was having that conversation with some woman in real life and she said that I'd be backing away quietly and quickly. I'd be working hard not to speak with her again -- not about BDSM, not about lunch, not about the weather.

Bluntly, I see her as at least a potential predator.

There's my real and unmoderated opinion of your friend's statement.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ohsobroken)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 2:32:12 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I also think that being needy is subjective in some respects.

It boils down to communication skills. If someone knows the other person likes to be in touch a few times during the day and the other party only needs once a day, be flexible, don't just ignore that need.

Sometimes a person says someone else is needy because they don't feel the same way about that person, so it is an easy catch all phrase. I have a friend whose husband will stay out all night with not a single call and when she tells him she worries about him, he just says, ah, you women are needy.

In reality, he is a selfish asshole.

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 2:37:24 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I also think that being needy is subjective in some respects.

Well sure. But we're not talking about one person alleging that another is "needy" here. We're talking about someone embracing that term for themself. Now.. there is still subjectivity in communication to be considered... but still...

I see the OP's friend similarly to how I'd see some dom saying something like, "Well, all us doms are selfish and lack self-discipline." Uh yeah... back away slowly.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 2:39:08 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, generalizations are never helpful!

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 2:44:48 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

Everyone has needs, regardless of dynamic, so phooey on your friends opinion.
I think the only time that being needy becomes ugly is when those needs are irrational and unreasonable.
For example, you miss your Master right now, which is normal, but you aren't on your last breath without
him, and you aren't texting him/calling him every hour to make sure he is still thinking of you. That would be needy.


Or are you?


I laughed out loud when I read this. When we're not chatting, I do tend to text my girl about once an hour, but not with any expectation of reply. What I send are little positive messages to make her day better, and maybe to help her smile, like, "I'm thinking happy thoughts of you.", or "*strokes your cheek*". If she ever asked me to stop or slow down I would, of course. Sending little thoughts her way makes the day a little better, and it goes by nicer, like a long lazy drive down an open stretch of highway.

Then again, I'm always thinking of her, and writing does seem to be a habit of mine.

And yes, I do miss her at times, and I do need her. She is a wonderful partner and I adore her. She inspires me and makes me a better person. It isn't that I can't breathe without her, though; rather, that when I'm with her, there is nothing else.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 2:50:37 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am a sucking black hole of need, and incredibly high maintenance.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: Being needy... - 8/10/2012 4:00:43 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

Everyone has needs, regardless of dynamic, so phooey on your friends opinion.
I think the only time that being needy becomes ugly is when those needs are irrational and unreasonable.
For example, you miss your Master right now, which is normal, but you aren't on your last breath without
him, and you aren't texting him/calling him every hour to make sure he is still thinking of you. That would be needy.

Or are you?


What poise said.

Being needy carries more baggage in a vanilla relationship because you're sposta be on equal terms with your partner. But when submissive defers to Dominant's will and choices, it's reasonable, even logical, that the sub becomes dependent on the Dom for guidance. And that can manifest negatively if the Dom isn't there.

I think it's just a case of a negative vanilla term that's irrelevant in the D/s lifestyle - like "humiliation". I think the average sub is a bit clingy and needy and I like that; I want that. What manner of submissive mindset would desire to be owned without a healthy level of dependence on the owner's or Dominant's presence and decisions. Hell, even co-dependent works in D/s....

As others have said, as long as she's not melting down when I'm away or ringing me every hour or two, "needy" is fine. It's the vanilla context that you need to get past.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to poise)
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