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The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 12:01:19 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I thought when clicking on the other thread I could learn something about everyone's idea and such. I also found out a few people shared My thoughts as well. So here is one we can actually comment on and learn from.

Aftercare..your thoughts?

Edited because a period goes after a sentence and I seemed to have forgotten that.

< Message edited by TNDommeK -- 8/12/2012 12:04:20 PM >

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 12:28:02 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline 		i never called it "aftercare", just cuddling. "aftercare" presumes there's some trauma that needs tending to, and i don't like that connotation.

i love it, and the women who are attracted to me seem to also love it. it's never even been a question, just automatic.

EDIT & disclaimer: i'm obviously not into play that needs bactine or any type of medical attention or aftercare.

< Message edited by Karmastic -- 8/12/2012 12:30:08 PM >

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 12:37:53 PM   
LexVinco


Posts: 7
Joined: 6/16/2012
Status: offline 		I desperately need to be left alone, especially depending on the severity of the scene. Usually I become so exhausted I have to nap. And before that, I have a quick 10-minute cry. No emotions attached to the tears, but definitely tears. Lots of them.

But when we're finished, it's all I can do not to chase the tops out of the room/apartment/wherever we are. Or collect myself immediately and make a dash for it. Not for avoidance, but I really would love to just be left alone to think through what occurred and deal with whatever I need to deal with on my own.



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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 12:38:22 PM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline 		Aftercare doesn't always happen immediately after a scene for us. In fact the first thing I want as soon as He is finished is to put my slippers and my jacket on (if we are out at the local dungeon) and go out back to curl up in the lawnchair and smoke a cigarette slowly <alone>. This  means He is staying behind to clean the equipment we used and pack up the bag and move so other people can take thier turn.

I used to feel really guilty about this, but then I saw a few of the other older couples that do the same thing. The one couple in particular that I'm thinking of who were there last night in fact it went like this: They scened for about an hour and a half, He really worked her over (as usual because that's how they scene) When He was done. He waved over a DM to help get her wrapped up in a blanket and deposited her on a nearby couch so He could clean up. When He finished with that little task, He went over to the couch, shuffeled her around a little bit so she was kind of draped over His lap with her head on His shoulder...and they sat there like that for an hour or so until she "woke up" and then they went home. The only difference between them and Mr and I is that I go smoke and when I come back in, He has found a couch to park on and I drape myself over his lap for an  hour. *sometimes* we can go for a second scene, depending on the flavor of the evening (lots of train wrecks there last night, I wasn't in the mood to stay)

Last night however, before Mr would let me get up (I was on a massage table), He forced me to lay there and let Him rub me down from head to toe. I was in a very dreamy state from scening, He knew my legs wouldn't have held me had I tried to get up right away like I usually do. I remember a couple of times trying to get my arm underneath me and try to lift my head up and that just didn't go so well. So Mr pushed me gently back down and rubbed the circulation back into my body until everything was stimulated and awake enough to not fall on the floor as soon as I got off the table. Sometimes that happens...most of the time I don't want to be touched right away after He gets done working my ass over. Last night was a pretty intense scene for us though. As most of you know, my nerves have been on edge all week.  He had to take me to a MUCH deeper darker place last night to get me to where I can usually get to right away and it took a lot longer and it took a lot of harder "play" for me to get anywhere near it. Technically I should be all marked up today, I should be feeling sore and tender today...no marks, and I can sit just fine LOL.

Sometimes I'm not interested in any kind of aftercare at all. The rubbing and cuddling can pull me out of the deep dark place I like to go to and I really need to be left there to deal with whatever mental torment I am dealing with at the time on my own. I honestly have no idea how it is that Mr reads these things out of me. He just seems to know, and get it right every single time, where my head is at when he is finished beating my ass. I am not one for giving off very good cues/ques...wtf lol (that I'm aware of) nor am I even remotely decent at voicing what my needs are right after a scene. Bowl of warm jello is a good analogy to describe what my brain does. I would have hopped right off that table  to go have a cigarette and fallen flat on my face had He not been able to read me as well as He does.

I'm still a bit foggy today. So I don't think I can finish this post...but there's a good part of it anyway.

Lucifyre

 

< Message edited by Lucifyre -- 8/12/2012 12:40:55 PM >

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 12:52:44 PM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		Well, a big part of aftercare falls under the heading of planning. If they get cold after play, have a blanket readily available. If they have a health condition and will need specific care like food or drink, make sure it is available and in a form that they can handle. If they need solitude, then make sure they will be in private when they drop. Knowing the submissive, the environment, and planning accordingly is essential. After the fact is not the time to have to be scrambling for this or that or to suddenly realize the situation is not a good fit for the needs.

SD

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 1:02:46 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm always, well almost always, ice cold. So I've been known to need a heavy quilt even in summer. Plus a nap. Half hour minimum but can be longer.

I bring water into the bedroom for us. So it's there when needed, which it always is.
After the nap, I need food. Cheese and crackers minimum, but hopefully a full meal.

Cuddling after the nap please.

He's always hot during play so in addition to a glass of water, a towel to mop the sweat. He doesn't nap right after. He's more likely to nap after I get up, once he's fully cooled down.

Oh and if it's been a real rough session, then a cup of tea. And if I'm shaking, he needs to help me hold it. In winter I sometimes bring tea in a to go cup in along with the water. Because afterwards, every minute counts.

The one thing that's guaranteed to make me drop is if I have to drive right after.

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 1:09:59 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		This is an interesting thread.

Threads like this always make me think I'm not experiencing things in the same way as everyone else here. I've never experienced sub-space as I see it described, or sub drop. I've never needed aftercare beyond maybe a hug - I may be tired but that's about it.

I've never been to a play party to compare us with others, so when I read things like this I always wonder... do we play so much lighter than everyone else that this never comes up? Are we missing something?

We must be even wimpier than I thought.

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 1:12:41 PM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		Nah!

I have had my own experience vary and it wasn't the play. It was things like how rested I was, hydration, what I had been eating, where we were, etc.

SD


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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 1:21:01 PM   
BambiBoi


Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline 		I treat aftercare like a debriefing. Rank gets checked at the door, and we figure out what was right, what was wrong, ... Apparently I do a SWOT test. Strengths, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat. Please don't ever tell anyone I stole corporate training documents to better my kinky sex.

Immediately after, as a bottom I like to be reassured that what I'm doing is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. "Just lay there" or "Come help me clean these off" or "Go outside and smoke a cigarette alone." As a top, I try to be supportive. Usually its silence and cuddling with a gentle back rub. One of the things that turned me away from topping is the inexplicable crying after play. Emotions scare me, and none is more petrifying than that smiling, laughing, sobbing, crying, shaking, hugging, pushing away thing. That's the thing with dames, sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets, later there's no way you'd know.

I suspect Athena might identify with that, as I've never experienced the earth moving or earth shattering "space" or "drop." Maybe I'm broken. Maybe I don't take chances. Maybe everyone else is an emotional wreck and I'm perfect.

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 1:38:20 PM   
CeriseNin


Posts: 286
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline 		After an intense scene, I just want to be left alone for a little while - - half an hour or so, then I want food and coffee. Cuddles or any type of coddling is the last thing I need or want during that time.

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 1:47:52 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

This is an interesting thread.

Threads like this always make me think I'm not experiencing things in the same way as everyone else here. I've never experienced sub-space as I see it described, or sub drop. I've never needed aftercare beyond maybe a hug - I may be tired but that's about it.

I've never been to a play party to compare us with others, so when I read things like this I always wonder... do we play so much lighter than everyone else that this never comes up? Are we missing something?

We must be even wimpier than I thought.


Don't worry about it or compare yourself. You never really know what others are doing, right? After all, it is the internet so sometimes people like to puff things up.

Whatever works for you is fine.

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 1:50:44 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic
i never called it "aftercare", just cuddling. "aftercare" presumes there's some trauma that needs tending to, and i don't like that connotation.

But I DO like that line of reasoning. I might just be on a jag now with this culture of victimhood thing but your comment just made me perceive the word "aftercare" as one of the victimization tools. In this case one with undoubtedly benign intent and of minimal damage but still... your point remains. Why are we presuming some trauma? What message is that sending?

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 2:28:08 PM   
DeviantlyD


Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic

i never called it "aftercare", just cuddling. "aftercare" presumes there's some trauma that needs tending to, and i don't like that connotation.

i love it, and the women who are attracted to me seem to also love it. it's never even been a question, just automatic.

EDIT & disclaimer: i'm obviously not into play that needs bactine or any type of medical attention or aftercare.


Except that "cuddling" can be only one aspect of aftercare it isn't all of it. I'm guessing, since you have previously stated you aren't a sadist and don't do that sort of play, that you are mistaking the definition of what exactly aftercare means when applied in the kinky/BDSM context.


quote:

ORIGINAL: SacredDepravity

Well, a big part of aftercare falls under the heading of planning. If they get cold after play, have a blanket readily available. If they have a health condition and will need specific care like food or drink, make sure it is available and in a form that they can handle. If they need solitude, then make sure they will be in private when they drop. Knowing the submissive, the environment, and planning accordingly is essential. After the fact is not the time to have to be scrambling for this or that or to suddenly realize the situation is not a good fit for the needs.

SD


Well said.



quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic
i never called it "aftercare", just cuddling. "aftercare" presumes there's some trauma that needs tending to, and i don't like that connotation.

But I DO like that line of reasoning. I might just be on a jag now with this culture of victimhood thing but your comment just made me perceive the word "aftercare" as one of the victimization tools. In this case one with undoubtedly benign intent and of minimal damage but still... your point remains. Why are we presuming some trauma? What message is that sending?


I didn't read the victimization thread so I'm in the dark there. I don't see how aftercare can be seen as a victimization tool at all. Could you explain what you mean? I don't see the connotation between the words "aftercare" and "trauma". During any play I've ever done, I've never experienced any form of trauma whatsoever, other than tissue trauma from a good whacking. *grins*


To the OP: It's sort of a vague question. If you mean how it applies to each of us posting, then I would say "love it!!!" Although I could probably come down off the high I get from playing without it, it does help. What I am most curious about is the mindset of those who don't want any aftercare, such as how LexVinco and CeriseNin mentioned it.

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 2:30:34 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic
i never called it "aftercare", just cuddling. "aftercare" presumes there's some trauma that needs tending to, and i don't like that connotation.

But I DO like that line of reasoning. I might just be on a jag now with this culture of victimhood thing but your comment just made me perceive the word "aftercare" as one of the victimization tools. In this case one with undoubtedly benign intent and of minimal damage but still... your point remains. Why are we presuming some trauma? What message is that sending?

lol, funny since i've been thinking of you sometimes, when i make my typical replies that don't shoot everything through the BDSM culture or prism, and instead, just answer from the POV of a 48 year old adult with plenty of very "diverse life experiences" (or should that be "perverse" ).

good observation, that the entire tone of the narrative is subtly affected by the lexicon and words people choose. e.g., i can watch two news stories about the same event from two different sources, and it's easy to see how the words they choose subtly affect the narrative.

and yes, the message we are sending is that BDSM causes some damage that needs to be repaired. i guess as the rubber hits the road, or as leather hits skin, there are real aftercare issues for some. more worrisome are those using BDSM for non-physical "repair", but that's another topic.


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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 2:40:11 PM   
DeviantlyD


Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic
i never called it "aftercare", just cuddling. "aftercare" presumes there's some trauma that needs tending to, and i don't like that connotation.

But I DO like that line of reasoning. I might just be on a jag now with this culture of victimhood thing but your comment just made me perceive the word "aftercare" as one of the victimization tools. In this case one with undoubtedly benign intent and of minimal damage but still... your point remains. Why are we presuming some trauma? What message is that sending?

lol, funny since i've been thinking of you sometimes, when i make my typical replies that don't shoot everything through the BDSM culture or prism, and instead, just answer from the POV of a 48 year old adult with plenty of very "diverse life experiences" (or should that be "perverse" ).

good observation, that the entire tone of the narrative is subtly affected by the lexicon and words people choose. e.g., i can watch two news stories about the same event from two different sources, and it's easy to see how the words they choose subtly affect the narrative.

and yes, the message we are sending is that BDSM causes some damage that needs to be repaired. i guess as the rubber hits the road, or as leather hits skin, there are real aftercare issues for some. more worrisome are those using BDSM for non-physical "repair", but that's another topic.




Who is "we" and who is being sent this message?

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 2:44:10 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Wow.... I'm a noob.

I don't do any really hardcore stuff but it's
all relative, the friends I've told a bit of my
experiences to think I'm a freak but reading
Luci and the others on here make me feel
tame.

Aftercare for me really just is understanding
that being in a relationship with me can be
emotionally and physically demanding at times
and reading my partner to know when they
need downtime or affection.

This will sound like a contradiction or an
anomaly, but I am extremely empathetic and
at the same time I am almost totaly unaffected
by emotion, both mine and others... A way I
could describe it is, I know that I should feel a
certain way but most of the time emotions are
very pale to me, they lack reality and I
connect emotionally, on an intellectual level if
that makes any kind of sense.
Or possibly, I feel complex subtle emotions and
not strong simple ones...

Almost everything I do emotion-wise is like
playing a part, not acting exactly but if I was
totaly true to myself, I'd probably be very
boreing. Has anyone seen Dexter...

Most of the time, the things I say and do that
make me seem caring are just me
understanding what to say or do to make
someone feel better and doing or saying them...
It's no effort for me to do it so if it makes
someone feel better I do it.

Hmmm, I think you can be empathetic without
relating what other people are feeling to
yourself, I guess I relate how people are feeling
to other people and I think this is why I have
such a strong sense of "justice" (maybe not the
right word), but I do see what isn't right and see
that It should be put right.
If my partner is unhappy, I will make them
happy because I want them to be happy.

I'm not like a robot, I have a sense of humour
and make jokes and laugh, but emotional highs
and lows are extremely rare for me.

I strayed away from aftercare a bit... I think the
key to aftercare would be, being intouch with
your subs emotional state so empathy seems like
a major part and if anything there are many
roads to empathy.

-ARIES

PS, I almost didn't post this, I know it's
confusing and I'm not very good at trying
to explain this sort of stuff.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 8/12/2012 3:14:28 PM >

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 2:51:44 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD


quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic
i never called it "aftercare", just cuddling. "aftercare" presumes there's some trauma that needs tending to, and i don't like that connotation.

But I DO like that line of reasoning. I might just be on a jag now with this culture of victimhood thing but your comment just made me perceive the word "aftercare" as one of the victimization tools. In this case one with undoubtedly benign intent and of minimal damage but still... your point remains. Why are we presuming some trauma? What message is that sending?

lol, funny since i've been thinking of you sometimes, when i make my typical replies that don't shoot everything through the BDSM culture or prism, and instead, just answer from the POV of a 48 year old adult with plenty of very "diverse life experiences" (or should that be "perverse" ).

good observation, that the entire tone of the narrative is subtly affected by the lexicon and words people choose. e.g., i can watch two news stories about the same event from two different sources, and it's easy to see how the words they choose subtly affect the narrative.

and yes, the message we are sending is that BDSM causes some damage that needs to be repaired. i guess as the rubber hits the road, or as leather hits skin, there are real aftercare issues for some. more worrisome are those using BDSM for non-physical "repair", but that's another topic.




Who is "we" and who is being sent this message?


"we" all are speaking generally here, aren't we?

so "we" is obviously us, or those who use that word. and lord knows who is being sent the message over the interwebs, but it's obviously those who read these threads, and then spread that lexicon and usage while communicating with others.

was that a trick question?

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 2:56:32 PM   
DeviantlyD


Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline 		Yeah, that's pretty much what I thought you meant.

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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 3:02:59 PM   
Karmastic


Posts: 1650
Joined: 4/5/2012
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD


quote:

ORIGINAL: Karmastic

i never called it "aftercare", just cuddling. "aftercare" presumes there's some trauma that needs tending to, and i don't like that connotation.

i love it, and the women who are attracted to me seem to also love it. it's never even been a question, just automatic.

EDIT & disclaimer: i'm obviously not into play that needs bactine or any type of medical attention or aftercare.


Except that "cuddling" can be only one aspect of aftercare it isn't all of it. I'm guessing, since you have previously stated you aren't a sadist and don't do that sort of play, that you are mistaking the definition of what exactly aftercare means when applied in the kinky/BDSM context.



yes, it's pretty obvious that simple cuddling is one small possible aspect of aftercare.

yes, you're correct, I'm not a sadist.

my position is that you don't know what my level of knowledge or experience is with what we're calling aftercare. i.e., i know more about what it is that i know, than some person that doesn't know me on the internet. i'm sorry if i said something that would compel you to think otherwise.


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RE: The real aftercare thread...No jokes this time. - 8/12/2012 3:04:07 PM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		I think Jeff is referring to the term itself, not the attending to the needs of the partners in the aftermath of the scene. Why can't we just call it "clean up", or "snuggle time", or or or....

I think the more words imply harm, the longer it's going to take to ever get rid of the idea that being submissive, sadistic, masochistic, or having fetishes means we have some sort of diagnosable mental illness. I am on the fence on the word "aftercare" because I don't know really a word or phrase that properly identifies what goes on during that phase.

SD

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Profile   Post #: 20
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