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Aswad -> RE: A mature submissive? (8/18/2012 12:53:48 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lamale
I don't visit the forums trolling for partners, and I don't feel part of the "community", having been attacked here several times for being married, including in this thread.
I don't care whether or not you're married. As of a few hours ago, I have now been with the same woman for 14 years. We've both played with others. We're both fine with that. We talked about it, figured out what our respective comfort zones were, and laid out some ground rules for it. We've stuck with that, and there have been no problems with that. A couple of occasions when talking together about a particular partner, but no prolems. I have an ad for a live-in. If I find the right one, we'll make that work as well.
In fact, other people's marriages aren't any of my business.
As far as I'm concerned, a woman that says yes to me has made her choice, and if that choice is inappropriate, that's between her and her spouse. I never vowed anything to either of them. I'll avoid pursuing one that is married, and be miffed if a married woman neglects to mention being married, but only because I don't want some idiot giving me a hard time because his relationship isn't solid enough for his woman to care if she hurts him. I fully expect a number of posters to be upset with this view, and I'm ready to account for myself on this point. I think most of the people which have followed my posting history will realize I'm sensitive to the potential issues, such as how a divorce might affect children, or how there are times when a person might not be able to make a good decision about such things, or any number of other issues that might be applicable.
In short, my perception of you is unlikely to be colored by your marriage. At the same time, I'm sure you realize it is something that can be expected to upset some people, and that you need to try to be graceful about that in order to be treated with respect by those that are upset by it. That is not specific to this site, or to kinksters generally.
quote:
I do get annoyed when someone with almost 25,000 posts says that berating women is my style when they don't know me and can't possibly have any evidence to support that because it's simply untrue. It was a slimy thing to say, and if she has any class at all, she'll apologize at some point.
It may be scant grounds to make a statement about you, at least offline, but it does take some effort to maintain an emotional and intellectual distance that allows one to be non-judgmental about someone whose posting history one reacts to. I generally try, but fail like everyone else. I don't think it is a requirement for constructive participation, but it is a good thing when people are able to do so. The best rule of thumb I have arrived at is, when possible, to stick to replying to the content of the post, rather than to the poster. I don't always stick to this rule, but I try to keep it in mind.
The reason I mention this is, when I do stick to that rule, it will defuse most budding arguments and lead to less hostility. It also has a tendency to result in people responding better to me in the future and seeing me as having taken the high ground. Some of what has been posted to you here can be considered opportunities to choose this approach, and you've not taken those opportunities. I think you will find it useful to try this strategy in the future as a way to remediate the problems you have been experiencing here.
I can see that some of the things you have said have been read in a negative light. I can also see that some of them lent themselves to being read that way. For instance, to me, the statement you made about pirhanas seemed to be a reference to clique behaviors, not to named posters, nor to a specific gender, nor to everyone in a relationship. However, I can see how it might be read in such a way. If you go back and reread your posts, I think you will see how some of what you've said is apt to cause the behavior you are referring to. This doesn't necessarily excuse any inappropriate replies, but it does make them more understandable, and does illustrate some potential for improving your communication and the experience you have on this board.
I would consider it a personal favor if you would- in the interest of the general atmosphere on the board and in particular this thread- have a look at your posts, find some things that have been misinterpreted that you could have worded in a different manner, and acknowledge the potential for misinterpretation and consequent hostility. That will encourage other posters to go back to see if there are things they could have done better, as well. If they don't, you will still leave people with a much better impression than would otherwise be the case. As such, it will be a win-win for you.
It may be worth noting that some of the posters that compliment me with some regularity, I have butted heads with in the past. Should you ever revisit some of the old posts in the Gorean section, for instance, you'll find me at the throats of people with whom I now have a relationship of mutual respect and understanding, as well as a good and constructive tone. Kirata and Leonidas are two whose names spring readily to mind, partly precisely because we've butted heads quite violently on occasion. On the rest of the board, and somewhat relevantly to this thread, I seem to recall having had a less than amicable relationship with LadyHibiscus, but I could be confusing her with someone else. As far as I can tell, we currently have a good tone, and I have solid respect for her.
When one gets off on the wrong foot with people, it's inevitably going to take some effort to restore good relations. But it will usually be worth the effort, unless one never intends to have anything to do with them, online or off, in which case you should probably use the ignore/hide function. Sometimes, one won't be able to establish good relations (I doubt barelynangel is ever going to respect me, let alone like me, for instance). But making the effort will be useful. Particularly since most of the people you've a problem with, and the ones watching those problems unfold, are active in the scene. Showing an ability and willingness to make the effort, whether successful or not, can only be positive for your prospects.
I'm just trying to encourage y'all to sort this out to a civil level. You have an opportunity to lead by example in that process, if you care to. As to the actual content of the argument and disagreements, I'm not getting in the middle of it, as I have no horse in this race, and I don't think I've said anything inappropriate to anyone in this thread. If I have, I would appreciate having it pointed out to me.
ETA: Pardon the wall of text format.
IWYW,
— Aswad.
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