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My Dilemma - 8/17/2012 11:01:29 PM

subgtrplayer

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

My Dear Friends -

I'd like some advice from the only people (you all) who might reasonably be able to understand my problem. I just celebrated my 28th anniversary. My wife is awesome in every way, but our sex life is dead, and has been for a long time. She has tried to understand what it means that I am submissive, but she just doesn't get it. I'm afraid that when I explained it to her, it really freaked her out and turned her off, although she never acted like it did. Furthermore, she's not really interested in vanilla sex either. Our marriage has largely been about everyday things, raising kids, and making a household work for a long time now. And we are both very proud of what we have accomplished in those areas.

I honestly think that I could have lived with a "vanilla sex only" compromise, but our life together has been difficult on that front. Since we had kids, she's not about sex at all, vanilla or otherwise. We've done therapy, doctors, etc., and there has been no change at all. On the other hand, in every other way, she is absolutely my soul mate. We are best friends, crack each other up, and have raised two great kids, the youngest of whom is two years away from leaving the house.

Here is the question: obviously, as you all know, we are who we are. She is not very sexual or affectionate, but has many great qualities. I'm a submissive, and that's who I am. Of course, I'm an unfulfilled one, and largely, I'm a sexually frustrated human being in general. My wife had a fucked up childhood, and doesn't express affection verbally or physically in any meaningful way, although she does in other ways, like doing the hell out of my laundry and folding it up for me, doing little things for me.....that's how she expresses love. She sucks at affection. I've stuck around because of the kids, and because I love her, and because, on balance, everything else is so good.

So many of you are in, or have had fulfilling BDSM relationships. When my youngest leaves, I would still arguably be young enough at 57 to leave my wife and look for submissive bliss in a new relationship. But I would be leaving everything I have here: 30 years of history, the laughs, the love, the family. My career is awesome, too. I'm not an Adonis anymore, but I think I have a realistic possibility of attracting someone nice. I'm nice, intelligent, funny, a published author, and I've won a couple of those golden statuettes that you see people get on those yearly TV shows with the red carpets.

So, please tell me: how great is it out there? The few times in my life that I had a domme friend and we spent time together, it was the greatest physical/sexual/psychic connection in my life. But the guilt of lying and sneaking around and the knowledge that by acting outside of my marriage I was being someone I really didn't want to be was enough to make me be the one to end it, and after a short time, as well. It seems like all of the other relationship stuff would have to work too, right? And I already have that! But it's REALLY hard to live without intimacy, and as a sub, it's been a nightmare to deaden that part of myself. Of course, there's porn and masturbation. And that has helped a lot all these years. But I feel that I've missed so much as well.

What do those of you who have been brave enough to be yourselves think? I'd be really rolling the dice. With my whole life. And I could come up snake eyes. I need to know if this lifestyle is as amazing in the context of a long term relationship (especially for someone my age) as I'm thinking it could be.