Red Flag attitudes... (Full Version)

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MercTech -> Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 8:57:19 AM)

The topic on the culture of victim-hood discussion over on the General BDSM section got me thinking. There are some things that, to me, indicate a huge amount of trouble and have me walking carefully away from a submissive. I thought I'd toss out what gives me that kind of uneasy walk away reflex and ask what others see as an indication to vacate the vicinity.

Overly compliant, refusal to state an opinion when asked. Face it, no matter how submissive, a person has preferences. Expecting a dominant to be able to read minds is a sure fire recipe for problems. I once had dinner with a person that kept saying "what ever you want" when asked about preferences for a restaurant. You would think that would be a simple thing. And taking someone with a violent allergy to peanuts to a Thai restaurant, they never mentioned an allergy, was a total disaster. Any date that ends in a visit to an Emergency Room constitutes a disaster.

I have no limits. Well, sorry, I DO have limits. And, I need to know where yours are to know if we are compatible for any sort of physical interaction. I may have some dark fantasies that I never plan to act on. But, what I am willing to actually do with a person includes some limits I impose on myself.

I have needs my significant other isn't filling and I'm secretly looking for someone to fulfill them. Nope, not going there. If everyone isn't on board and comfortable with the situation, it is staying platonic.





Kana -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 10:28:01 AM)

I listen real hard to how they talk about their ex's, and also their family.
If they talk trash about everyone they dated, I can be pretty sure that sometime down the road they'll be sitting at another table telling another Dom the same shit about me-I don't have the ego to think I'm special.
I look for folks who have or can build stable relations. Folks who offer red signs that indicate otherwise don't tend to get second dates



sexyred1 -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 10:38:19 AM)

Kana, do you honestly think that because a relationship did not work out, the person is not worth getting to know?

I would hate to think that with all my relationships in my life, I would be considered a red flag just because I am divorced and had a 10 year relationship go south.



Killerangel -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 10:39:12 AM)

In either sex or any orientation, the entitlement attitude is something that will make me disappear asap, and also, bad communicators. I know how much time can be wasted with people who just suck at or don't care to communicate effectively.



Kana -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 10:42:42 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Kana, do you honestly think that because a relationship did not work out, the person is not worth getting to know?

I would hate to think that with all my relationships in my life, I would be considered a red flag just because I am divorced and had a 10 year relationship go south.

I said Ex's, as in plural, for a reason.
I fully understand that most folk end up in a bad relationship or two over their life. That's just part of the game.
But if a person rags on all, or almost all, of their prior relationships, then flags start rising.
Maybe they are that gal we know, the hot chick who always picks lousy abusive guys, or maybe they just play the blame/victim game, but either way, I see it as a real bad omen.
Like I said, I don't have the ego to think I'm special enough to be the exception.



SinFix -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 10:55:41 AM)

Just my quick .02 but I say doesn't matter whatever you want to eat, because I have food allergies, eating out is a pain and it is always easier to just go where he wants and for me to pick what I can eat from there. That way I am responsible for what goes into my body, I can easily ask about something that looks appealing but I may not be sure of what is in it.

(edit for clarity)



sexyred1 -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 10:57:07 AM)

I hear you. I make it a point to never rag on anyone when I meet someone new. Sometimes people ask what happened and I just say it did not work out. I don't go into details at all and if pressed, I always say that it was my fault for staying too long and trying to make it work. But I don't find many men who take ownership; they usually assign all blame to their exes.

I find that many men on a first date, will rag on their past women and to me, that is not just a red flag, but also bad manners.

But, I don't judge anyone normally on how many relationships they had because it is quite hard these days to find something substantial and that increases as we get older.



IrishMist -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 11:11:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech

The topic on the culture of victim-hood discussion over on the General BDSM section got me thinking. There are some things that, to me, indicate a huge amount of trouble and have me walking carefully away from a submissive. I thought I'd toss out what gives me that kind of uneasy walk away reflex and ask what others see as an indication to vacate the vicinity.

Overly compliant, refusal to state an opinion when asked. Face it, no matter how submissive, a person has preferences. Expecting a dominant to be able to read minds is a sure fire recipe for problems. I once had dinner with a person that kept saying "what ever you want" when asked about preferences for a restaurant. You would think that would be a simple thing. And taking someone with a violent allergy to peanuts to a Thai restaurant, they never mentioned an allergy, was a total disaster. Any date that ends in a visit to an Emergency Room constitutes a disaster.

I have no limits. Well, sorry, I DO have limits. And, I need to know where yours are to know if we are compatible for any sort of physical interaction. I may have some dark fantasies that I never plan to act on. But, what I am willing to actually do with a person includes some limits I impose on myself.

I have needs my significant other isn't filling and I'm secretly looking for someone to fulfill them. Nope, not going there. If everyone isn't on board and comfortable with the situation, it is staying platonic.




I am not sure that I would see what you have written here as 'red flags'; but rather as just imcompatibility issues.

Not having an opinion on a date. When I go to eat with someone, I always leave it to them to decide. The reason for this is, before we ever get to that stage, I have already informed them of what my favorite dishes are, etc, etc.
Now, if you are talking having an opinion on IMPORTANT issues like religion, politics, health, mentality, etc...that's different. I am always open to discussions that force me to rethink my own ideas.

I have no limits. Well, in regards to ME, this would be true. I reconciled myself to what I was willing to endure long before I ever met the 'person to whom I am talking with'. On the other hand, what I call limits will most probably differ from what you do. Therefore, instead, perhaps we should regroup and go back to the first issue you raised and instead discuss our opinions on what constitutes a limit.

I have needs my significant other isn't filling and I'm secretly looking for someone to fulfill them Now this, I will agree with you. I would see this as a 'red flag' and very quickly let the other person know how I felt about their dishonesty and cheating.

For me, red flags are things that would cause harm or injury to one or both of us; things that are discussed BEFORE you actually get to know someone really well. A good example would be: Us setting up a coffee date after two conversations in email to see if there is any physical spark. Me telling you during this 'coffee' that I want to be beaten bloody.
THAT is a red flag. BUT, its' a red flag because you do not know me.
If instead, we were to have coffeee today, and I made that mention...I don't think, after having read some of my postings on here, that you would see it as red flag.
I could be wrong, though.

One of the biggest mistakes I see people make in relationships of any kind, is their inability to calmly discuss issues of importance right from the beginning. Everyone is too concerned with 'making a good impression' that they forget ...good impressions are just that...a one time thing.



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 11:46:41 AM)

yeah, the whole cheating thing is a no go for me.



Baroana -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 11:58:19 AM)

What do you mean it's impractical to keep me this way?



[image]http://x.fap.to/images/full/46/177/177009027.jpg[/image]



MarcEsadrian -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 12:10:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech

The topic on the culture of victim-hood discussion over on the General BDSM section got me thinking. There are some things that, to me, indicate a huge amount of trouble and have me walking carefully away from a submissive. I thought I'd toss out what gives me that kind of uneasy walk away reflex and ask what others see as an indication to vacate the vicinity.

Overly compliant, refusal to state an opinion when asked. Face it, no matter how submissive, a person has preferences. Expecting a dominant to be able to read minds is a sure fire recipe for problems. I once had dinner with a person that kept saying "what ever you want" when asked about preferences for a restaurant. You would think that would be a simple thing. And taking someone with a violent allergy to peanuts to a Thai restaurant, they never mentioned an allergy, was a total disaster. Any date that ends in a visit to an Emergency Room constitutes a disaster.


There is a slight (no doubt unintentional) fallacy being perpetuated in this first point. Being too compliant isn't really the problem, for if she were compliant to that extreme, she would have honored your wishes, wouldn't she? I don't find a girl being too compliant ever an issue for me. I find a girl that is on her own channel a problem, however. In that respect, it's passive-aggressive dominance really at play in the scenario you illustrate: she is insisting she have her cake the way she wants it, your wishes be damned. Her phone, so to speak, was off the hook.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech
I have no limits. Well, sorry, I DO have limits. And, I need to know where yours are to know if we are compatible for any sort of physical interaction. I may have some dark fantasies that I never plan to act on. But, what I am willing to actually do with a person includes some limits I impose on myself.


That's reasonable. It makes sense that a slave will inherit, by decree, the limits of the master. This is not to sell short the fact that some human beings do take their servitude and love to a mortal level, however.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech
I have needs my significant other isn't filling and I'm secretly looking for someone to fulfill them. Nope, not going there. If everyone isn't on board and comfortable with the situation, it is staying platonic.


I completely support not going there. Those who wish to cleave to two lives are of little interest to me, for one will (eventually) supersede the other. I don't approach my dominance in the fashion of a front-door salesman vying for exclusivity of rights or peddling my likeness as some sort of sensual service provider for the romantically bored domestic princess who just finished 50 Shades. Anyone approaching me as if I'm some sort of potential relief valve for their poor choices in a relationship insult me greatly. One cannot have two masters. One must choose a stable relationship or take their circus elsewhere.



tj444 -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 12:12:04 PM)

you are a dude, for me some things are different (since I am female).. you get "Overly compliant, refusal to state an opinion when asked" and I get guys that "avoid answering direct questions and change the subject".. I find that very frustrating, since i am trying to determine if they are a good fit to me or not, if they avoid answering half or a significant number of my questions then how can i do that??? what are they hiding?? and that usually happens well before getting to the first date/meet part..

I see guys that state in their profile they want a no-limits slave.. I block & hide them.. they dont get past 1 email to me, let alone a date/meeting..

cheating? if he says in either his profile or email that he is married or involved then its block & hide.. they never get past 1 email ether..

I do ask guys about their previous relationships, why they ended, how long they were together, etc.. i know there are 2 sides but i want to hear what he thinks the problems were & how he answers the questions.. that seems to give me a lot of insight.. (& of course I dont want history to repeat with me [&:] )

I think you can tell a lot from a persons profile.. I seem to be incompatible with most men on here.. thats fine, no point in fitting square peg in a round hole.. (or is that a round peg in a square hole?? I can never remember which.. [:D] )



NuevaVida -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 1:11:23 PM)

I wasn't looking for red flags; rather, I was looking at the big picture and determining if he was someone I felt good moving forward with.

One thing I was very interested in, however, was not the number of relationships he had been in, but how he felt about them now. I asked him what his accountability was in regards to his marriage ending, and I liked his answer. Had he just said, "Well she was a bitch....yadda yadda yadda" I would not have been impressed.

What I *was* paying attention to was his current view on life, how he moved forward from the past, and if he was living an honest life. I also needed to feel free to be myself with him.

Well there were a lot of things I paid attention to, but those are some important ones that stood out. Anything that felt like a red flag, I'd point blank ask him about and we'd talk about it. It was his openness and willingness to talk about anything that was so helpful. Had he evaded, that would have been a red flag.



Kana -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 1:18:38 PM)

quote:

I make it a point to never rag on anyone when I meet someone new. Sometimes people ask what happened and I just say it did not work out. I don't go into details at all


Which is how mature responsible people react. And also why SR1 is a keeper!



CarpeComa -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 4:58:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech

The topic on the culture of victim-hood discussion over on the General BDSM section got me thinking. There are some things that, to me, indicate a huge amount of trouble and have me walking carefully away from a submissive. I thought I'd toss out what gives me that kind of uneasy walk away reflex and ask what others see as an indication to vacate the vicinity.

Overly compliant, refusal to state an opinion when asked. Face it, no matter how submissive, a person has preferences. Expecting a dominant to be able to read minds is a sure fire recipe for problems. I once had dinner with a person that kept saying "what ever you want" when asked about preferences for a restaurant. You would think that would be a simple thing. And taking someone with a violent allergy to peanuts to a Thai restaurant, they never mentioned an allergy, was a total disaster. Any date that ends in a visit to an Emergency Room constitutes a disaster..


I don't see a refusal to state an opinion as a red flag as much as indication that a person is boring. Someone as totally passive as you described probably wouldn't make it far enough to get into a dangerous situation because I would move on out of a lack of interest.

quote:

I have no limits. Well, sorry, I DO have limits. And, I need to know where yours are to know if we are compatible for any sort of physical interaction. I may have some dark fantasies that I never plan to act on. But, what I am willing to actually do with a person includes some limits I impose on myself.


I see "no limits" as a likely sign of not being grounded in reality. I get the impression that most people that say that are either not looking to meet in the real world, or have otherwise lost some connection to it.

quote:

I have needs my significant other isn't filling and I'm secretly looking for someone to fulfill them. Nope, not going there. If everyone isn't on board and comfortable with the situation, it is staying platonic.


I think this falls under the larger umbrella of 'Does not respect and/or has poor empathy for others'. That is a big red flag. Other symptoms of this are;

Nothing good to say about exes
Bigotry
Poor treatment of customer service people
Abusive behavior
"I am always right" attitude
"I don't care what other people think" attitude

Speaking on cheating in particular, I had an evening out with someone who I found out who had a live-in boyfriend. When asked about this, she blithely responded "What he doesn't know won't hurt him". The first thought that ran through my mind was "what are you not or might you not tell me?". Things didn't progress further after that.

Further warning signs for me:

1: Issues with temper
2: lack of stability in personal life
3: Extremely concerned about "being discovered"
4: Zealotry in pretty much any form
5: prominent usage of "True" and "real"
5a: Complaints about 'fakes'
6: The Sydney University warning
7: Excessive quotes from other sources.
8: Asking me to 'prove my trustworthiness'.
8a: Unequal demands for verification. Anything you ask me to provide, you should be willing to provide. Aka: "those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" and "what's good for the goose is good for the gander".










DesFIP -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 5:39:58 PM)

Not accepting responsibility for their own failures including past relationships.

And not being a good parent. I'm devoted to my kids, if you aren't equally to yours I have no time for you.



IrishMist -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 5:40:38 PM)

quote:

And not being a good parent. I'm devoted to my kids, if you aren't equally to yours I have no time for you.

What if they don't have kids?

Just curious



smartsub10 -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 6:04:52 PM)

At my age I have opportunity to meet widowers. I've found that it can go three ways:

1. He tends to compare every woman to his beloved deceased wife. (red flag)

2. He's only been widowed for a few months and not really over his wife's death. He's only looking to get laid (red flag)

3. He's been widowed for a year or more, appreciates the good relationship he had with his wife and is ready to move on.
I had a nice relationship with such a widower and we're still friends. His memory of his deceased wife was endearing.



littlewonder -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 6:21:09 PM)

quote:

I don't see a refusal to state an opinion as a red flag as much as indication that a person is boring. Someone as totally passive as you described probably wouldn't make it far enough to get into a dangerous situation because I would move on out of a lack of interest.


This one I always find kinda funny. I'm the type of person who is "overly compliant" I guess. I have no desire to disagree or fight with someone so I will usually just follow. And many times I am indifferent to most things. I don't care what I do or where to go or what I want to eat because I can go either way. I'm extremely flexible. For me I'm simply happy being with the person I like. Everything else around me makes no difference.

quote:


I see "no limits" as a likely sign of not being grounded in reality. I get the impression that most people that say that are either not looking to meet in the real world, or have otherwise lost some connection to it.


When I say I have "no limits" to people, its the simple fact that I am no limits to Master because I chose someone where our limits match so yeah, because of that, I have no limits with him. But even when I was single, while I never said I have no limits, I did say that the only limits I really had were the normal ones...no death, and all those but even those are flexible depending on circumstances and person I am with. And that's what I always said...it just depends.

So while others may see these as red flags, I like to get more detailed information before I just dismiss the person right off the bat.



FrankAr -> RE: Red Flag attitudes... (8/18/2012 6:25:35 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

And also why SR1 is a keeper!


And SR1 is ????????? Drum roll......



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