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Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 1:51:31 AM   
subnesaa


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/11/2006
From: Vancouver, Canada
Status: offline 		Hi, this is my first post here other than in the introductions.  My question is this:  I was recently contacted online in a chat room by a man who claims to be a lifestyle Dom.  We have spent a lot of time together via the internet and phone.  I have grown to care for him, however since this is completely new to me, I have a few concerns. First of all, I am alarmed at how quickly an attachment has seamed to form.  In less than two weeks, he was telling me that he loved me.  Personally, I have a hard time understanding that. I realize that a lifestyle D/s relationship is founded upon trust, but I have an unsettling 'gut' feeling.  The other thing is that I am 25 and he is 46, we live over 3000 miles apart, and he wants to move here within the next few weeks to live permenantly.  I have done a lot of research about D/s relationships and so I have a basic understanding of what is involved, and certainly wish to pursue this type of relationship, however, I am concerned that something is not right in this situation, or am I just being overly paranoid? I really don't know what to do. I feel as if things are moving far to quickly, and yet due to the nature of the relationship, I don't know how to communicate this with him without upsetting the balance of things.  Your thoughts and advice are most welcome...

_____________________________

~nesaa

'There are no clear paths. Only pitfalls and tripwires and darkness.' -Robert Jordan
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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 1:58:58 AM   
desertdancer


Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline 		~Nesaa,

If your gut or tummy is telling you something is not right, then please listen to it.  You are your best judge for gaging if something is  'off' or not.  If you think you are possibly being rushed, then yes you probably are being rushed, for you.  Each of us has our own set of standards and voices from our tummies, and what may not be rushed for me may be rushed for you. 

I know this lifestyle is exciting and it's almost like a fever washes over us, and we want to be swept away, and gobble up every bit of this that we can.  But sometimes it's better to heed our internal warnings and slow things down.  I am not saying to break off your new found relationship, only saying that if you feel you should slow down, then by all means, slow it down.  Most Dom's will be understanding,  they want to build a trusting relationship with you, so if this one is just rushing head first and not giving you much time to think about things, I would say yes that's a warning flag.

I think it would be in your best interest to sit with him and tell him you are uneasy and why...and by his reactions maybe you can get a better handle on the situation...

Best wishes,
dancer


edited for my lack of sleep and poor grammar skills


< Message edited by desertdancer -- 6/11/2006 2:00:26 AM >

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 2:02:49 AM   
subnesaa


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/11/2006
From: Vancouver, Canada
Status: offline 		Thank you Dancer, I appreciate what you have to say. It is difficult for me because I am completely alone in this.  One of my biggest concerns is 'how' to communicate this with him in a way that will not seem offensive to him. The last thing I want to do is upset him or dissappoint him, but I do feel like things are moving much too quickly.  I don't wish to challenge him on the decisions he is making... I just need to know how to approach this subject.  Thanks :)

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~nesaa

'There are no clear paths. Only pitfalls and tripwires and darkness.' -Robert Jordan

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 2:09:49 AM   
desertdancer


Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline 		I'd approach it carefully and with respect.  If this were me, I would sit down with myself, I'd figure out just what was putting me off side with the situation, I would look into why I feel this way. After that I would ask Him if I may be open and honest and if we could talk.  I would tell him my concerns and why I was feeling them.  You'll be told this lifestyle is about trust over and over again, you'll hear it until it's ingrained and your tired of hearing it, but it's true.  And a good Master will want you to tell him, what is going on with his sub/slave at all times. IMO (not all will agree with me, I'm sure) a Master needs to be aware of your feelings, your joys, your sadness, your health and your emotional state at all times, and in being open and clear with Him, your helping Him to be a better partner to you.
I hope I've helped, I'm so tired I don't know if I'm making sense

~dancer


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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 2:18:35 AM   
TheCaveman


Posts: 16
Joined: 2/27/2006
Status: offline 		You ever seen him? Not a pic, but in real life or even on a cam.

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 2:23:33 AM   
subnesaa


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/11/2006
From: Vancouver, Canada
Status: offline 		I have seen him via web cam.  Caveman

And thank you again dancer, i will take your advice, I guess it will just take some serious thought and care in speaking with him about this. He does tell me that he cares for my well being and is fairly open with communication, he cares how i feel and encourages me to speak with him about what is on my mind.  I guess I am just afraid to say something that he doesn't want to hear.  I don't want to displease him in anyway, but I think that you are right.  I hope he will decide to allow things to move at a little slower pace.


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~nesaa

'There are no clear paths. Only pitfalls and tripwires and darkness.' -Robert Jordan

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 3:13:57 AM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		Well maybe look at it this way...Say you meet this guy at a Club, Church, Munch, Park, Bar Etc. You have never been physically close, never kissed, never even held hands, just spoke when-ever you run into each other. You do seem to have interesting conversations and some things in common.
 
Two weeks after meeting he is professing his love for you and believes you are meant to be together and insists on moving into your place ASAP.
What would you think? Would you think maybe he should slow down a bit? Would you believe in his admission of deep love for you? Would you think he is a bit of a kook? Or would you think him absolutely out of his mind? Would you find yourself agreeing and on your way to his house and help him fill up his van?
 
WIITWD(What It Is That We Do) can be very exciting and enticing when one is first finding one's connection to and in it. But it is also a time when you really need to use common sense and not do anything this pertinent with out much thought and advice(glad you came here to ask and welcome to the boards!).
 
I hope that put's it in some kind of perspective for you. Don't allow "trust"elements of this lifestyle to rule your actions until the trust is earned. Just as you would think it important to protect your ass in any vanilla situation.
Any 46 year old man who claims to be a "Dom" should know better and if he doesn't I would for sure be concerned, Big Red Flag!
 
Good Luck and Be Safe,
 
*Brightspot

Edited to add; I think listening to your "gut" is a very important practice for what it's worth.

< Message edited by brightspot -- 6/11/2006 3:18:35 AM >

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 3:19:37 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		dancer makes a lot of sense.  I agree that if you're feeling at all uncomfortable, you need to talk with him.  There's no eason for him to be upset with you if you approach him with your concerns.  After all, I doubt if he would want to move only to find out that you aren't compatible.  Before anything that serious occurs, you need to meet several times and find out if both of you want to persue the relationship.

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 3:32:17 AM   
mystiquenz


Posts: 330
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline 		subnesaa,

You write so very well, and concisely.  Listen to the "gut" feelings.  They are very important, and a part of who and what you are is guided by your intuition. 

I too would be rather horrified if a Dom that I had not met, intended to visit me, from a long distance, and proclaimed his love to me, sight unseen. 

The internet, has its drawbacks.  The intensity can move too quickly, the desire, his and yours, can appear to be moving so very quickly that something inside you is screaming "check the brakes".  Then put the brakes on my dearest girl, and allow your mind to catch up on the emotional plane.  You can be respectful, and still ask the dominant one concerned to "slow down", that you are frightened at the pace.  What is happening, if it is going to be that good, will still be there tomorrow.  Simple really, not difficult, not hard. 
 
The last thing you need to do, is rush into a situation that you are not comfortable with, and if he is worth his weight in gold, he will be guided by your uncertainity.  
 
Sometimes the lessons of past experience of others, can speak loudly to you, and hopefully, you will not make the same mistake as others have made before you.  
 
I wish you well, when you journey, this road, can be topsy turvey, but this is just the beginning, listen to your inner voice, and follow your heart with a clarity of vision.  Don't be swayed by others opinions too much, but listen to your own guidance.  Seek the wisdom of others, and follow what you see as your guiding light. 

~mystique~ 


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blessings
~mystique~

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 5:27:47 AM   
mayapple


Posts: 22
Joined: 5/1/2006
Status: offline 		Hi subnesaa, I echo everyone here and then I underline it and add exclamation points!!!
 
I wonder if he is just a Dom who is about to get kicked out of someplace else and is desperate for a new home.
 
You say you do not want to displease him in any way.  Well guess what?  You are a human being with your own thoughts and feelings.  There is no way in the world that two people, even two highly compatible people, are going to be thinking and feeling the same way at all times.  It is not right for you to hide your thoughts and feelings from him.  Surely that would not please him either.  Or if he is the kind of Dom who wants you to present yourself falsely to him just so he'll have the illusion that all is well, is that the kind of person you want to commit to, unmet?
 
If it is hard to see clearly from within your own new intense experience, try stepping out of it for a little bit.  Look up the recent "Mistress is worried" thread using the search function.  There are certain similarities, but in that case a male slave is so desperate to serve that he is going to move to another part of his country to live with an unmet Mistress he had known only a few weeks online at the time that the thread began.  There were additional red flags in his situation but the bottom line was that everyone was saying to him, "Slow down!!!!!!  Get to know each other first.  Visit each other several times, at least, before you commit to a move."  Maybe if you can read it as an observer you will start to see how reckless it is for anyone, including for you.
 
I think it is possible to feel love quickly in an online relationship.  But only the test of time will reveal if it is genuine and if it will endure.  You also do not say how you feel about him. 
 
The most important thing of all is to understand that full communication is vital.  But also, if you are new to this lifestyle, you might want to consider interacting with a number of Doms either online or in person to learn more about different styles and what feels right to you before you commit to one person... and to make sure that this lifestyle is really what you want.  You want to feel fulfilled, not intimidated or trapped.  If you have never had a session with him or anyone else, how can you know this is the life for you?
 
Slow down......  not just with him...... but in your whole exploration......  It's a big world out there!
 
mayapple
 

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 6:57:17 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		He may be 20 years your senior in age, but he is clearly juvenile when it comes to relationships.  Run, don't walk from this one.  Bet you dollars to doughnuts the guy has never spent a day in the real world S&M scene and the week after you do, you will see this guy for what he is.

I often date younger submissives and while they look wonderful lying there, they have other priorities in life and building long term relationships with older men isn't always one of them and is certainly not one a sane person would move to explore.

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 8:24:56 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		D/s BDSM relationships aren't all that different than vanilla relationships. The difference is that we know more about each other's sexuality.

So, ask yourself this...if this was a vanilla relationship.....wouldn't you think of this as odd and desperate behavior?

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 8:28:48 AM   
NastyDaddy


Posts: 957
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subnesaa
'There are no clear paths. Only pitfalls and tripwires and darkness.' -Robert Jordan


I'm quoting your sig line...

Your new and forming relationship can only be judged from two positions... your's and his, for you are the only two people who know the full extent of all your interchanges since your initial contact. Despite being online, you have communicated extensively.

Unfortunately there is sometimes a tendency to witch hunt and/or jump to assumptions here and on most other message boards, and the reason is what I said in the preceeding paragraph... not having the whole picture, only pieces of it, and comparing those bits to personal experiences or preferences. While most folks who respond are actually acting in good faith and with good intent, others may be quick to generalize and judge... but no matter what is done or said here, it is you who must decide if this new and forming relationship is compatible to your needs.

You have not said this man has stated an intention to 'move in with you at your place'... but I note that it is being assumed. Has he in fact stated he wishes to live with you as opposed to 'live there in your area permanently'? There is a big difference between the two, and in the 'comparative idea/potential merit' of the man in question. 

Bottom line... convey your concerns directly to this man... get your answers straight from the horse's mouth... then make your decisions.

 

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 9:06:11 AM   
TxBadMan


Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subnesaa

Hi, this is my first post here other than in the introductions.  My question is this:  I was recently contacted online in a chat room by a man who claims to be a lifestyle Dom.  We have spent a lot of time together via the internet and phone.  I have grown to care for him, however since this is completely new to me, I have a few concerns. First of all, I am alarmed at how quickly an attachment has seamed to form.  In less than two weeks, he was telling me that he loved me.  Personally, I have a hard time understanding that. I realize that a lifestyle D/s relationship is founded upon trust, but I have an unsettling 'gut' feeling.  The other thing is that I am 25 and he is 46, we live over 3000 miles apart, and he wants to move here within the next few weeks to live permenantly.  I have done a lot of research about D/s relationships and so I have a basic understanding of what is involved, and certainly wish to pursue this type of relationship, however, I am concerned that something is not right in this situation, or am I just being overly paranoid? I really don't know what to do. I feel as if things are moving far to quickly, and yet due to the nature of the relationship, I don't know how to communicate this with him without upsetting the balance of things.  Your thoughts and advice are most welcome...


It sounds as if you have a firm handle on reality. If your gut is telling you something, I would listen. Often our instincts find problems way before our mind comprehends them.
Tell him the truth. Tell him that you are having second thoughts and wish to slow down a bit. If he truly wants to be with you, he will understand and slow down. If he walks off in a huff; then you know that your instincts were telling the truth.
Never compromise your own safety, no matter what.

_____________________________

Chris



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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 9:46:23 AM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I would be less concerned about the professions of love.  People use that term at different times and in varying degrees.

The issue regarding moving is more unsettling.  I presume he is moving to be with you, not that he was already planning a move and contacted you because you were in the area he was looking at? 

If you care for him, then you certainly want to move to a real time meeting as soon as possible.  This will allow you a chance to interact with him and build a foundation for a potential future relationship.  It will also give you a chance to confirm or alleviate that gut feeling. I would tell him you feel a move is premature and work to arrange a visit as soon as possible. Emphasize how eager you are to spend time with him, but remain firm that you do not support or encourage relocation.  Ultimately that is his decision, but if he chooses to move that does not obligate you in any way.

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 11:28:20 AM   
subnesaa


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/11/2006
From: Vancouver, Canada
Status: offline 		First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your thoughts and words of wisdom. In answer to several of the questions posed here I wish to add an element of clarification on some points.  The situation is that he had decided that we will move in together, set a date and let me know that he would decide if I would come to him, or he would come here.  The situation is even more complex, being that I am in Canada on the west coast and he is in the US on the east coast, there are certainly important factors here which I believe encourage thourough consideration when looking at this type of move.  I have tried to voice my desire to meet him first, before any long term committment such as co-habitation is decided upon, however, I feel from his response that is not my decision to make.  Because I am a novice, I am having a hard time grasping which areas I have am permitted to have a voice in, but after reading and deeply considering all of the advice I have been provided here, I can see that pure logic should be used.  I would never make such a quick and life altering, permanent decision even after meeting someone in the flesh in a vanilla relationship so quickly. 

This morning we had an extensive conversation about the subject, and although I could sense that he was dissappointed or even perhaps slightly hurt, he has agreed to give me the time that I need.  I have been clear that I wish to continue to pursue this relationship, but that for me, it will take longer to make the adjustment and learn to trust implicitely.  He has agreed to come here for a visit, but stated that likely he will not wish to return home and/or that I would desire him to stay.  I must say that I have this little nagging feeling in my gut that makes me wonder: why is he so eager to leave his life and job and family to be with me so far away.  Although he has expressed adimantly that he does not wish for me to support him when he arrives here, I have a feeling that he may not be very extablished professionally (he has told me about numerous jobs he has had, and hasn't seemed to stay at one for very long).  I am not materialistic in the fact that I am looking for a gold mine, in a partner in any relationship, however I am looking for someone who is stable and I am unsure if that is the case here.  I work full time as well as run my own private business, and so I am worried I suppose that I could be a target for someone seeking to capitalize on that.

As far as my feelings for him, I care about him deeply, I enjoy his time, I am obviously attracted to him as I have always been attracted to and dated men several years my senior. We have many similar tastes and things in common, he has a wonderful sense of humor. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I want to love him, but for me it is just to soon to be sure about those types of feelings. I have been forced to live a very independent lifestyle over the years and have had to be cautious in relationships, as everyone else on the face of the planet, I have been burned before in love. The sense I get from him is simply: Is this too good to be true? I have an overwealming feeling that I am being extremely nieve, and yet wonder at what point does one have to take that chance for happiness...

Again, I thank you for all of your advice, I understand that I must use my common sense and listen to my gut. I suppose I just needed a little validation in this.  Thank you.

< Message edited by subnesaa -- 6/11/2006 11:30:14 AM >

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~nesaa

'There are no clear paths. Only pitfalls and tripwires and darkness.' -Robert Jordan

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 12:10:46 PM   
desertdancer


Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline 		Subnesaa,

In my previous posts I was trying to be objective and reserve my personal opinions, however after reading your last posting, I just have to say, that, I would be worried about any man who wanted so quickly to give up home and country.  Vanilla or BDSM, I would be leery, I would wonder what it is he is running from, or perhaps what it is about him that he is afraid of you finding out, if given more time to get to know him from a distance.  I am not saying he is hiding anything, only saying I'd have to wonder.  I would ask you to take things slowly, for your own interests, i would ask you to keep talking on phone, and net, and meet face to face, and maybe not even 'play' the first couple of days when first meeting him.

A very wise man once said (john warren) that you don't really know someone until you've had a fight with them.  I know this isn't the quote word for word, but it was something to that effect.  I have to agree, no-one likes to fight of course, but my point is..have you had a disagreement, of any sort? He wants to move out of country, before he even knows you two are compatible.  Now I KNOW from personal experiences that people who meet online can and do have wonderful relationships when meeting face to face, and can even have that bond on the first meeting, but I think those kind of relationships formed online that secede are ones that have been nourished with time.

It's clear from your writings that you have good common sense, please keep listening to it

Yours,
dancer


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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 12:32:39 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		If the guy is going to leave his fucking FAMILY and you haven't told him to go fuck himself, you really need to assess YOURSELF.

For those reading this, I believe in PC and support being PC...put that in your pipe and smoke it.

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 12:47:23 PM   
desertdancer


Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline 		Nesaa,

I left then got to wondering, is this your first D/s relationship? I wonder how new to the 'lifestyle' you are? Have you spent time at a munch, or with others in your community? I ask, not because I am picking on you, but from my experiences D/s face to face is completely different then online.  What sounds good over the net, and feels good RP'ing may not be to your liking IRL.  It's a whole new playing feel going from typing * I kneel at your feet, peeking up at you* then actually being on your knees, peeking up at someone, who's cock is in your face and your waiting to be allowed to touch.  If your not new, then please disregard my post.  But if you are new, these are things that you should think about, and find people to talk with. (and please don't misunderstand, I am not saying it's bad to actually be on your knees, it's truly beautiful )

~dancer

P.S. these gueastions you don't have to post in response to me, just things to think of on your own


< Message edited by desertdancer -- 6/11/2006 12:48:19 PM >

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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 1:09:36 PM   
subnesaa


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/11/2006
From: Vancouver, Canada
Status: offline 		Yes Dancer, I am new.  I mentioned a little about my experience in my introduction post, but I will ellaborate a little here.  I have always thought of myself as a submissive, in day to day life as well as sexually. From as early back as I can remember (very young - 5 years of age) I have had thoughts, feelings and fantasies about this way of life.  It was something that I desired greatly.  Since I had a very strict religious upbrining, I always regarded these feelings with guilt or shame.  I have been away from that religious lifestyle for more than seven years now and consider myself finally free from it.  As I mentioned I am now 25, and I have been seriously researching and trying to explore this lifestyle, it is something in my heart of hearts that I long for and in fact crave.  That being said, I also don't want to just jump on board with the first Dom who aproaches me, I wish to be smart about this.  I feel that as a human being in general I have a lot to offer, not only in the way of looks, but also maturity, and culture.  I posted here because as an intelligent human being I am questioning the pace of this relationship and from all of your advice I can see that just because the nature of this new relationship is D/s that I shouldn't throw caution to the wind.  I should mention as well, that in all other respects this Dom has been very accomodating and open with me.  He has given me a full bio, ss no., address, names of immediate family members etc, so I don't feel as though he is trying to hide anything, I just question his stability and maturity in the speed at which he seems to be rushing into this relationship. Obviously trust and respect are essential here and I feel a conflict when I question his motives or life situation in making such a quick and permanent committment.

_____________________________

~nesaa

'There are no clear paths. Only pitfalls and tripwires and darkness.' -Robert Jordan

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