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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:14:43 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

There isn't really much room for listening and empathy although I've seen it happen plenty of times even with the shortcomings of this venue being geared toward the rapid fire burst of interaction.

I often see empathy and listening in your posts :)

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:15:00 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

.......I went 3 years with nothing but a wank when my partner was dying. I'm glad I did. It was a 100% relationship from day one to day done.

But when I went to a support group, most people there were either in an affair or looking. These things leave you stripped bare.

If someone asks me for survivor spouse advice, I give it. If someone asks me for kinky boyfriend on the side advice, I give it.

If they don't ask me for advice or my opinion on their misery, I tend to just leave it alone.

I'm not here to fight with anyone or criticize how they post. Every voice here is valuable. But I do hope this nice person googles that site I suggested.

No one here is fighting with you, I'm really sorry it seems that way to you. We are disagreeing with your take on things, I think that is allowed

I went twice as long as you did in a sexless marriage and he was the one who left in the end, not me. I wouldn't have left him, I was staying with it. I am so glad i did not cheat. To this day we have a strong friendship and no baggage between us as I did the right thing in that regard. We are able to do family events and even go on trips together for family reasons- would i be able to do that had I cheated on the man? I'm only able to advice the OP and others like her from my own experience, which was that I was glad I never cheated. That is my truth and in retrospect it was the best thing I could have done. I don't always choose the right thing, but i did this time and i dont mind sharing my life with others if I think it might help them.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:15:47 PM

kalikshama

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OP - also do read The worst Dom you've ever met and don't hesitate to use the Report, Block, and Delete features.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:28:19 PM

Salinedion

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Thanks for your thoughts, lizi. I don't feel aggrieved by anything that anyone here has posted here and am likewise sharing my opinions for the benefit of strangers.

Long term sexlessness will def. do your head in. Aint nobody gonna disagree with that.

Whether you cheat or not, OP, take care of yourself. You are probably more depleted than you know.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:29:13 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I often see empathy and listening in your posts :)

Thanks Kali, that was very kind of you and I appreciate it.

I wasn't intending to go this route, but I think with the turn of the thread I will. I do remember the times when people share things from their heart and it always makes an impression on me. One poster here that hasnt' been in for a while shared what a mistake it was for her to cheat in her marriage, and she regrets it.

I was in a sexless marriage for over 6 years, the marriage itself was 15 years long at that time. He had a medical condition that led to ED and refused to be treated for it, so I paid the price. I never signed up for that as a healthy middle aged woman in her late 30's to live without sex, but there it was. I was so angry during that period because none of it was my choice, but I had no choice but to go along with it - or go outside the marriage. I got fat. I didn't want to cheat on my husband so I gained weight to remove temptation from my way- I don't recommend doing that btw. But that's how I coped with it. If i was heavy then no one would want me anyway and I'd not have to struggle with remaining celibate more than I already was.

I waited for sex till we were done with the marriage and went our separate ways, then I waited some more till I had a healthy mental outlook on life. Then I started seeing other men and went crazy for a while when I found out there were a lot of men out there that wanted what I had to give. Now, as I said i see the ex often and we consult on all family matters together as well as many personal ones. I'm able to hold my head up and know through and through that I did the right thing. I know that my kids can respect me and that there aren't any skeletons for them to dig up. It's my truth, I was just trying to share it with someone so that she could see if it would help her or not. Or anyone else who reads this. It's just something I wanted to offer. I am definitely NOT judging anyone. It was a freakishly hard thing to live with, but I'm glad I did it the way I did. All of my past interactions and memories are intact and unsullied. I have no burden of guilt to lug around. It worked out well for me although at the time I thought I would die.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:56:26 PM

angelikaJ

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http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:-7nK7IxgnYYJ:www.xeromag.com/making_relationships_suck.pdf+how+to+screw+up+a+poly+relationship&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=us&client=firefox-a

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/elise.shtml

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 4:19:11 PM

peppermint

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A large part of submission for me is serving others. With that in mind I served my invalid husband for years. He knew about my submissive desires. He even gave me permission to find a Dom. However, I owed him for the good years we did have. It just didn't seem right to look for a Dom. So I served him and took care of him and washed him and fed him and the last thing I did for him was to tell the EMTs that he was a DNR.

My advice is to buy some really good toys. Go read in literotica, get horny, and use the toys to relieve yourself. It works very well. Then act like a submissive and get back to serving your family.

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Post #: 27

RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 4:22:47 PM

DeviantlyD

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

Long term sexlessness will def. do your head in. Aint nobody gonna disagree with that.

I will.

Please expand on what you mean by "do your head in".

While sex is grand, etc., etc., it is by no means necessary to live out life in a happy way.

To the OP: I think most of the posts here have given good advice. The key elements being:

1.) Being honest with your spouse about what you want. He is the man you married and the father of your children, doesn't he deserve the honour you swore you would give him when you married him? Doesn't he deserve respect and honesty from you?(Rhetorical questions)

2.) Without having the ability to say your husband is aware of what you are looking for, you're so much more likely to attract an undesirable man who may end up being as dishonest with you as you would be with your husband.

3.) If you're completely new to this, you can't discount S&M entirely. I was always put off by spanking and masochism in general - until I tried it. Who knew I'd relish it so much? I certainly didn't. Now spanking (not to mention other "activities") is one of my favourite things to do! :)

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 4:34:59 PM

LadyPact

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I'm just back to say two things. The first is thanks to angelikaJ for the awesome links. The other is to say some of the folks on this thread have restored My faith in people today.

Y'all don't hear that second one very often.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 7:06:17 PM

Winterapple

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Being a caregiver is a draining and stressful experience without the added stresses of
being a parent and being sexually frustrated.
That you're looking for a respite from
your daily life is understandable.
But you're very likely only going to
add to your misery instead of getting
a respite from it.

The kind of man you would find who
would go along with this sort of thing
would be in my estimation more trouble
than he could ever be worth. A man
without his own boatload of issues and
troubles would be unlikely to be interested
in this sort of thing. Your savior will
likely be just another stress on your tit.

You think this sexually excites you don't
know if it does. The actual experience
may leave you quite cold. Like a lot of
people fantasizing about a sexual
experience I think there's the probability
that what you're really yearning for
is nurturing, understanding, comfort
and to be emotionally close to someone.
Taking out a kink tourist passport is
unlikely to bring you those things.

Try working on yourself before you
begin entangling yourselves with others
and getting yourself in situations that
are over your head. You need a therapist
or a counselor more than you need a Dom.
You need a good friend more than you
need a lover. The fantasy and the online
dallying is giving you an outlet, a place
to go, a place to get away from reality.
It's also probably numbing you to an
extent and separating you from your
good sense. You're someones wife,
you're a mother. You're not a free agent.
What looks like an escape can be just
another prison.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 7:48:52 PM

TieMeInKnottss

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I appreciate the responses. My situation is more along the lines of "lizi" than a terminally ill spouse. He makes choices to not get better (not consistently getting help or taking his meds, not doing what the doctors and therapists tell him to do, most of my trust & respect was lost by other things he did--not leaving is something he knows I chose to do and, I have told him that I was moving ahead with my life (heck even his family knows). The part I don't discuss with him is the part I don't talk to anyone about...I am not built like that. I am exploring, reading, researching... I don't type well enough to go into lengthy details.

Anyway, it is something that I have been quietly investigating for many years--I am just now comfortable with admitting it to others and actually getting "first hand info" from people directly. I know I could realize that I am wrong & this isn't what I want which is why I am very upfront about that. I believe asking questions doesn't hurt anyone. I actually didn't mean to cause such a firestorm but I asked for advice and opinions and I am actually grateful because some of the stuff I have read from you all are things I didn't consider and I believe the more info I get -whether I like it, don't like it, agree or disagree with it-help me think things through.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 8:48:59 PM

graceadieu

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

Long term sexlessness will def. do your head in. Aint nobody gonna disagree with that.

I will.

Please expand on what you mean by "do your head in".

While sex is grand, etc., etc., it is by no means necessary to live out life in a happy way.

I don't know... I haven't been there myself, but I've seen it cause other people a lot of heartache. But I think, in those cases, it wasn't even so much the lack of sex, as the lack of the intimacy and affection that went with it.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 8:52:43 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Agreeing with Graceadieu. I can give myself all the orgasms I want. Closeness and affection are what I miss.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 9:14:35 PM

peppermint

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quote:

He makes choices to not get better

Mine was like that too. He kept thumbing his nose at the doctors to prove they were wrong.

quote:

most of my trust & respect was lost by other things he did

Yep, been there, done that too.

quote:

I believe asking questions doesn't hurt anyone. I actually didn't mean to cause such a firestorm

Actually no firestorm is happening. When you read one you'll know what I mean. This is just people giving their opinion. If you had explained your situation better in your OP then people might have responded in a different manner. We get people who write in here regularly trying to get everyone to agree that they "have" to cheat on the spouse and that it's okay because the spouse isn't into BDSM. Your OP sounded just like one of those.

Asking questions is always good.

I know what it is to live in limbo. I didn't know if he'd live for 10 years or die the next day. It's difficult to plan a life when what you do depends on someone else and their living or dying. Not being able to make plans for next year or next month was upsetting many times.

When push comes to shove you have to do what you have to do. It's YOUR choice. It's best to not ask if people agree with your choice on a public message board unless you expect that many will argue against your choice.

As others have brought up, many Doms will never consider you unless the Dom talks with your husband first to make sure it's okay with him. Trust and honesty is a BIG thing. Also, I know of several married people who have Doms or subs and their spouses know and approve. Under the right circumstances this can work out very well for all involved.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 9:34:09 PM

Alecta

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Totally agree with peppermint above, and with OP that there is no harm in asking questions. Asking questions is important in life, and in the lifestyle.

But with this new information, OP, I do not feel like it is in your best interest to get yourself involved with a Dom or Master of your own at this point. The capacity for further complications in your life, as Winterapple pointed out, is significant and the chances of you meeting someone good for you under the circumstances can be quite slim. Proceed with caution.

Instead, at this point I would encourage you to make friends: just friends, with no "see where it goes" agendas or strings. Through this you will hopefully learn about the community and the sort of people you want to be around in this lifestyle, because anyone can give you a checklist and all manners of gab, but in the end, what you like and what you want are things you have to decide for yourself. And when you're comfortable, I would encourage you to get involved in your local community. Attend munches and workshop events to learn and experiment with the physical aspects. (Don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you aren't ready to do though!)

In regards to your marriage, you have my sympathy. I'm sure what reasons you have for staying are good enough for you, but again, do try to keep a good healthy perspective about it so as not to destroy yourself. Being a martyr for a dead relationship is one of the worst things a woman can do to herself.

ETA: Many submissives lead happy and fulfilling kink lives without a Master/Dom/Domme by exploring through the community and kink-friendly friends. Having a particular Dom/Master is not a prerequisite for identifying or experimenting as a submissive.

< Message edited by Alecta -- 9/8/2012 9:42:32 PM >

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 9:41:01 PM

Winterapple

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You didn't cause a firestorm, the responses
have been pretty mild.

So, you're staying in the marriage
for the sake of the kids? Financial
reasons? Reluctant to leave the
security of a marriage even if it's
an unhappy one? Those are all
things to consider. If a marriage
was broken beyond repair it would
be hard for me to stay in it but I
realize that's an individual thing.
But I think it's hard to get on with
ones life chained to husband you
no longer respect.

It just seems like it has the potential
to become a very volatile situation
with all sorts of shit hitting the fan.
All of which might be avoided if you
and your husband sat down and each
answered the question "Why are we
staying married to one another?"

It's hard to give someone advice
in how and what to seek in a lover
when the better advice would seem
to be you're not in a good place
to become involved with someone.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 9:56:17 PM

Winterapple

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There's nothing wrong with asking questions.
Is there any reason you don't think you
can go to a munch. Meeting and making
friends with female submissives
could be a very positive thing.

Don't get all your info from Doms
especially online ones. You usually
find that the questions and struggles
and feelings you're having are ones
that others before you had.

And I think for the most part people
are going to tell you that it's good
when a Dom expects full disclosure
to everyone involved in situations
like this. I have a hard time seeing
a guy content to scrounge around
off the side as very domly.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 11:21:53 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

A large part of submission for me is serving others. With that in mind I served my invalid husband for years. He knew about my submissive desires. He even gave me permission to find a Dom. However, I owed him for the good years we did have. It just didn't seem right to look for a Dom. So I served him and took care of him and washed him and fed him and the last thing I did for him was to tell the EMTs that he was a DNR.

My advice is to buy some really good toys. Go read in literotica, get horny, and use the toys to relieve yourself. It works very well. Then act like a submissive and get back to serving your family.

This is absolutely wonderful!

I was actually thinking the same thing.

I commend you peppermint.

ETA: Op, have you thought about you both going to marriage counseling? I think you both need to do so and who knows where it may lead. If he refuses then you may want to think about a divorce. Yeah, you said you stick around as his caregiver but that's exactly what he knows. He knows as long as you are there to care for him he doesn't have to do anything. By divorcing him he may finally see that he needs to change if he wishes to keep you around.

So speak to a marriage counselor...or an attorney.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 9/8/2012 11:28:59 PM >

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/9/2012 12:48:05 AM

DeviantlyD

Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
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quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu

quote:

ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD

quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

Long term sexlessness will def. do your head in. Aint nobody gonna disagree with that.

I will.

Please expand on what you mean by "do your head in".

While sex is grand, etc., etc., it is by no means necessary to live out life in a happy way.

I don't know... I haven't been there myself, but I've seen it cause other people a lot of heartache. But I think, in those cases, it wasn't even so much the lack of sex, as the lack of the intimacy and affection that went with it.

Considering that poster specifically used the word sexlessness, I'm not going to make the assumption they are equating that with intimacy and affection.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/9/2012 8:29:20 PM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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Our situations sound similar. I was raised the same and daily tasks require me to be dominant - which can be exhausting and unfulfilling if you're naturally submissive - having to constantly act like someone you're not. In my own situation, I chose to work with my husband to help meet my needs in lieu of looking for some "excitement" elsewhere. I'm happy to report, although slowly, he's getting there!

The difference may be that HE is willing to try as hard as I am to see that BOTH of our needs are met. He can't be dominant 100% of the time, and I'm okay with that. Marriage needs compromise. I've found other ways to fill the void in-between (pushing myself in a workout helps a lot).

If he's capable of meeting your needs, but unwilling, and you have tried to work things out, then the healthy thing to do may be ending the marriage. For everyone involved.

Additionally, if you do meet a great Dom that you click with, chances are you will only want more. The kink and excitement are great, but the feelings are addictive.

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