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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/9/2012 9:56:52 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		This thread reminds me of my oldest sister when her husband was fatally ill for over 5 years. She never cheated, never went outside her marriage. She loved him more than anything else in the world so she spent all her time being his caretaker, even quitting her job just so she could be with him 24/7. Yeah it was a sexless marriage for them since he was so ill. But they never lost their love and affection and intimacy for one another.

So my question to the op.....how much do you love him?


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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 9:24:22 AM   
Char2688


Posts: 151
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline 		Opinions here are strong....it appears that if you leave a spouse to have sex, because it is important to you, you are to be commended. If you stay with a spouse in a sexless marriage, but cheat to fulfill that need, you are condemned! Are we condemning a woman that is caring for a man that may desperately need her, but cannot take a conversation about her sexual needs?....could be he will not discuss it!

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 9:34:28 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Char2688

Opinions here are strong....it appears that if you leave a spouse to have sex, because it is important to you, you are to be commended. If you stay with a spouse in a sexless marriage, but cheat to fulfill that need, you are condemned! Are we condemning a woman that is caring for a man that may desperately need her, but cannot take a conversation about her sexual needs?....could be he will not discuss it!


She's already said that she has discussed it with him. Just not the D/s part.

The difference between those two things you listed is that one is lying and you're lying about something that would most likely hurt them more than leaving. It's taking the cowards way out. It's doing the easy thing rather than the right thing.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 9/10/2012 9:36:36 AM >

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 1:13:05 PM   
chatterbox24


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Joined: 1/22/2012
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I am going to put a different spin on things. Her husband might not be willing to compromise, he might be very closed minded. If he doesnt follow Doctor directions to aid in his health, I would guess he might just be that type of guy. I think the poster might be going with the "what he doesnt know wont hurt him type thing" He might be the type of guy to lose it, I know about this type first hand. They actually prefer to be lied too. Im afraid it isnt always best to open that can of worms.
Life brings on circumstances that sometimes create the things you thought you say you would never do, and you do them. So many elements come into play. FInances, children, care of someone sick, all kinds of things.
Really no sin is any greater then the other. Everything seems to be based always on consensual. If it is consensual and honest its ok. If someone says beat me until Im half dead, is that ok? In BDSM seems this is acceptable more so then a woman getting her needs met who possibly is with a man she cant discuss this with. I know I have been there! In not all circumstances is honesty the best policy.
I commend you poster for taking care of your husband, and I feel for your situation. Best thing you can do is make your own decision, what you can live with. Most times its just to damn confusing to ask others their input, they dont know your life and needs like you do. Do as you need to do. THats my opinion, do what you need to , to make yourself happy.
If you chose to enter into the life style, get to know the person very well before you meet them is good advice.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 9/10/2012 1:14:29 PM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 4:40:38 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you. The reason I worry about munches is kind of the same problems that arose here..I don't want someone who knows me to find out and "do what they think is right". The thing with my husband is not so much about me having an affair-while I would not "throw it in his face", part of my agreement to staying to make sure he is ok and that he maintains a relationship with our kids was that I was going on with my life (yes we discussed my sexual identity and wanting to be sexual again). It is hard to explain being the responsible party for someone so depressed that he is almost catonic, he doesn't leave the house nor get out of bed much, I have to prod him to take his meds, bathe, shave... His depression (they say he has malignant depression, not responsive to meds but at least the meds keep him from attempting suicide again) is all consuming. he doesn't interact with me or the kids unless we go to his bedroom. My kids are at the age where they know he is sick and still want him in their lives. My youngest gets satisfaction going in there to watch baseball, my oldest will use the computer in there and talk to him...they are still young enough not to realize that he isn't watching or listening to them and he will make enough of an effort to make some small talk. The thing is, I know if he had to make an effort to see them, he wouldn't (this isn't an assumption, I have confronted him with it. He says he wishes it was different, they deserve better but that he can't do anything about it and he just has to accept it and so do we.) Also, he is not mentally stable enough for me to leave them with him-I hire a babysitter if I am not here because he won't make them anything to eat, stop them from fighting. He doesn't even notice if they come home from school or not. Anyway, all of this is why I don't confront him with what I want (I know it would be one more thing he would add to his list of "failures". Also, frankly, with his mental state I don't trust that at some point he wouldn't use my "kinky sex life" against me in a custody issue... When the person you married and knew so well is entirely "gone" and you deal with a stranger you stop trusting that he might not change again.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 4:51:00 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you Chatter box, I almost cried. That is part of it. He is not who I married 13 yrs ago, many things I thought he would never do, he has done (including attempting suicide & that was BEFORE any of this arose). One of his issues with the meds is he doesn't think they work (& granted after trying different ones and different doctors...for 8 yrs, I might agree) but one thing is they keep him at a stable level of unhappiness (sounds miserable but it is better than how far he sinks without anything) I don't trust him as far as to not use this against me if at some time he decides I wronged him (you would be surprised at how someone thinks when they are so miserable). I have reasons (& yes I have a counselor & she knows everything, been to marriage counseling...) which are solid for staying at least for a few years.

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 4:54:01 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

Thank you. The reason I worry about munches is kind of the same problems that arose here..I don't want someone who knows me to find out and "do what they think is right".
If they're at a munch, its for the same reason you are. That's something to keep in mind.

quote:

The thing with my husband is not so much about me having an affair-while I would not "throw it in his face", part of my agreement to staying to make sure he is ok and that he maintains a relationship with our kids was that I was going on with my life (yes we discussed my sexual identity and wanting to be sexual again).
This is where the rubber meets the road, and you've done the right thing. In this case honesty between spouses, just means general knowledge, he doesn't need to know the details. Just that you're not lying or doing something behind his back.

quote:

It is hard to explain being the responsible party for someone so depressed that he is almost catonic, he doesn't leave the house nor get out of bed much, I have to prod him to take his meds, bathe, shave... His depression (they say he has malignant depression, not responsive to meds but at least the meds keep him from attempting suicide again) is all consuming. he doesn't interact with me or the kids unless we go to his bedroom. My kids are at the age where they know he is sick and still want him in their lives. My youngest gets satisfaction going in there to watch baseball, my oldest will use the computer in there and talk to him...they are still young enough not to realize that he isn't watching or listening to them and he will make enough of an effort to make some small talk. The thing is, I know if he had to make an effort to see them, he wouldn't (this isn't an assumption, I have confronted him with it. He says he wishes it was different, they deserve better but that he can't do anything about it and he just has to accept it and so do we.) Also, he is not mentally stable enough for me to leave them with him-I hire a babysitter if I am not here because he won't make them anything to eat, stop them from fighting. He doesn't even notice if they come home from school or not. Anyway, all of this is why I don't confront him with what I want (I know it would be one more thing he would add to his list of "failures". Also, frankly, with his mental state I don't trust that at some point he wouldn't use my "kinky sex life" against me in a custody issue... When the person you married and knew so well is entirely "gone" and you deal with a stranger you stop trusting that he might not change again.


That sounds really severe and I'm kind of surprised that he's not in a care home or institution. But, those are more personal questions and I'll leave those to you.


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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 5:36:01 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

Thank you. The reason I worry about munches is kind of the same problems that arose here..I don't want someone who knows me to find out and "do what they think is right".
If they're at a munch, its for the same reason you are. That's something to keep in mind.
I might be wrong here, Oside, but I think the OP means telling her husband about the cheating factor. Everybody at the munch is interested in kink and/or D/s. Not everybody is there to find someone to have an affair with.

We had a thread a while back about how many people would, if they had knowledge that if the spouse of their friend was having an affair and if they had evidence, would they tell. After seeing the results on that one, I'd have to say the concern about an outside party telling the OP's husband is within the realm of possibilities.



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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 5:37:37 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

It is hard to explain being the responsible party for someone so depressed that he is almost catonic, he doesn't leave the house nor get out of bed much, I have to prod him to take his meds, bathe, shave... His depression (they say he has malignant depression, not responsive to meds but at least the meds keep him from attempting suicide again) is all consuming. he doesn't interact with me or the kids unless we go to his bedroom. My kids are at the age where they know he is sick and still want him in their lives. My youngest gets satisfaction going in there to watch baseball, my oldest will use the computer in there and talk to him...they are still young enough not to realize that he isn't watching or listening to them and he will make enough of an effort to make some small talk. The thing is, I know if he had to make an effort to see them, he wouldn't (this isn't an assumption, I have confronted him with it. He says he wishes it was different, they deserve better but that he can't do anything about it and he just has to accept it and so do we.) Also, he is not mentally stable enough for me to leave them with him-I hire a babysitter if I am not here because he won't make them anything to eat, stop them from fighting.


My brother is mentally ill. I think I'm going to go to a NAMI meeting for the first time next week. They've been a very useful support group for my mother.

National Alliance on Mental Illness
http://nami.org/

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 6:03:11 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

Thank you. The reason I worry about munches is kind of the same problems that arose here..I don't want someone who knows me to find out and "do what they think is right". The thing with my husband is not so much about me having an affair-while I would not "throw it in his face", part of my agreement to staying to make sure he is ok and that he maintains a relationship with our kids was that I was going on with my life (yes we discussed my sexual identity and wanting to be sexual again). It is hard to explain being the responsible party for someone so depressed that he is almost catonic, he doesn't leave the house nor get out of bed much, I have to prod him to take his meds, bathe, shave... His depression (they say he has malignant depression, not responsive to meds but at least the meds keep him from attempting suicide again) is all consuming. he doesn't interact with me or the kids unless we go to his bedroom. My kids are at the age where they know he is sick and still want him in their lives. My youngest gets satisfaction going in there to watch baseball, my oldest will use the computer in there and talk to him...they are still young enough not to realize that he isn't watching or listening to them and he will make enough of an effort to make some small talk. The thing is, I know if he had to make an effort to see them, he wouldn't (this isn't an assumption, I have confronted him with it. He says he wishes it was different, they deserve better but that he can't do anything about it and he just has to accept it and so do we.) Also, he is not mentally stable enough for me to leave them with him-I hire a babysitter if I am not here because he won't make them anything to eat, stop them from fighting. He doesn't even notice if they come home from school or not. Anyway, all of this is why I don't confront him with what I want (I know it would be one more thing he would add to his list of "failures". Also, frankly, with his mental state I don't trust that at some point he wouldn't use my "kinky sex life" against me in a custody issue... When the person you married and knew so well is entirely "gone" and you deal with a stranger you stop trusting that he might not change again.


quote:

I am interested in any advice and friends. My only friend in this lifestyle is a master Dom I met online (not involved, too far away...but I do trust him & respect his opinions)&, he says he helps and "mentors" me but he has his own relationship to deal with and he can only understand so much.


I can see why you want to stay with this guy - he sounds like a lot of fun, lots there to love. Good influence for your kids to emulate. Good job.

I can see that you already made up your mind up about doing your thing - with or without him, and you already had it made up before you came here on the boards (about not telling him), so Im not sure what you were looking for. Sympathy? - someone telling you that its okay to to fuck around on your husband because of the circumstances? Well it wasnt all that surprising that it was CHATTERBOX to give you that big thumbs up. Makes me wonder if youre not another one of CHATTERBOX'S SOCKS.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 7:44:27 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		First of all, you need to get him into a nursing home or mental institution. You can't help him unless you're a nurse or professional caregiver. I'm assuming you're not. Then wait...if he doesn't get better over a period of time then look into a divorce or what you can do about a divorce if he is not mentally capable of signing papers or understanding. Then sit down with your children and explain to them what is happening and that they can still see their dad when he is allowed visitors. As of right now they are not in a safe or productive environment nor are they receiving any kind of support or role models.

You need to do the work on your marriage first before you think about cheating and/or lying to him.

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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 7:45:21 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX
Well it wasnt all that surprising that it was CHATTERBOX to give you that big thumbs up.


Yeah, a cheater telling someone else that it's okay to cheat is not shocking.


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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 7:57:48 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Especially if its the same person.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX
Well it wasnt all that surprising that it was CHATTERBOX to give you that big thumbs up.


Yeah, a cheater telling someone else that it's okay to cheat is not shocking.




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The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/10/2012 11:04:54 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Dear OP,

I find it interesting that you would identify with cheating, given the circumstances.

Were everything you said true and provided it was a mutual agreement and not the case of you walking into the room and declaring one-sidedly that you're going to look for sex elsewhere from now on thanyouverymuch (as is so often the reality in these stories), then in all but legal technicality you and your husband are mutually divorced and it is not considered cheating-- your new information also contradicts your initial premise that you are pursuing this without his knowledge and participation, but lets chalk that down to miscommunication and take your story to mean that you have had the "I need xyz" talk properly and reached the mutually agreeable conclusion for you to look outside of the relationship, you've just been vague about the D/s aspect, which is a fair enough situation provided the lack of D/s excitement is not the ONLY issue between you.

So either you and he are not the mutually agreed roommates you've painted, and you are in denial when you say that your sex life is none of his concern, or you still consider yourself married to him and are looking for, among other things, the thrill and vengeance that comes with the idea of "cheating".

Sort your relationship status out.

Personally, were I in your shoes, I would seek a divorce, although like you, I would almost certainly stick around to take care of the family. You don't need to still be married to do that.

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/11/2012 1:02:08 AM   
amaidiamond


Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline
quote:

. It is hard to explain being the responsible party for someone so depressed that he is almost catonic, he doesn't leave the house nor get out of bed much, I have to prod him to take his meds, bathe, shave... His depression (they say he has malignant depression, not responsive to meds but at least the meds keep him from attempting suicide again) is all consuming. he doesn't interact with me or the kids unless we go to his bedroom.


I just wanted to say I have been in this situation. With my ex fiancé, now I am still his full time care giver but he is slowly improving and in the last 2 years has gone from as you described to a man who, whilst he cannot manage to go out amongst people, will get himself out of bed and come talk to me and will walk to the corner shop if I go with him. It does eventually in my experience improve.

He needed poking and prodding 3 times daily to take his meds (epilepsy, depression, anxiety and psychosis symptoms ) but slowly he started being motivated enough to.

I cannot stress how important caring for you emotionally is and highly suggest a support group. It is do draining g caring for someone who won't help themselves.

On the cheating or not issue - no comment

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/11/2012 2:42:16 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

blah blah blah consensus blah blah blah


That word... I don't think it means what you think it means...

Either you don't understand it or you just don't pay attention. Either way...


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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/11/2012 3:18:09 AM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		FR
It's hard to imagine a judge giving
sole custody or even shared custody
to someone with his problems which
includes a suicide attempt. If he is in
the near stupor you describe he has a
long way to go before he could have
the wherewithal to pursue such actions.
And there's no need to go into the
kinky thing with him.

Sorting the marriage out before you
make a complicated situation even
more complicated seems the most
sensible course. I don't think you're
doing your kids any favors in keeping
things as there are now, I don't know
that you're doing your husband any
favors either.


If I decided to stay married and keep
the family together then the marriage
and family would be my focus. I wouldn't
be piling complications on top of dysfunction.
I tend to think of being married as
something you either are or you aren't.
If I decided staying married was best
for everyone involved I would try and
make peace with that choice and not
check out in everything but name only.

You're solution to your situation isn't
giving anyone in it a reprieve but you.
The children are stuck in a dysfunctional
home and your husband is just existing
while you're out discovering yourself.
Divorce isn't always the most selfish
action a person can take.

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(in reply to amaidiamond)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/11/2012 3:34:58 AM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		I should add I know what it is like to
be involved with someone who is
mentally ill. We weren't married and
didn't have children but I remained
friends with him.

If there had been children I would
have felt obligated to see they were
growing up in a healthy environment.

_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/11/2012 4:58:24 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Absolutely think of this:


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

First of all, you need to get him into a nursing home or mental institution. You can't help him unless you're a nurse or professional caregiver. I'm assuming you're not. Then wait...if he doesn't get better over a period of time then look into a divorce or what you can do about a divorce if he is not mentally capable of signing papers or understanding. Then sit down with your children and explain to them what is happening and that they can still see their dad when he is allowed visitors. As of right now they are not in a safe or productive environment nor are they receiving any kind of support or role models.

You need to do the work on your marriage first before you think about cheating and/or lying to him.



Someone that seriously depressed needs more than meds. What kind of role model are you two being for your children by allowing his depression to continue w/o adequate treatment? If you really love your husband, if you ever loved him, for fuck all's sake, help him.




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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/11/2012 5:56:42 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I am not telling the poster to cheat, I am telling her to take care of herself and do what SHE needs to do to do and make HER OWN decision.
SHe might not decide to cheat at all anyway. I hope she finds a dom who is supportive of her emotionally, stablizing her, and she might find she doesnt need sex at this time.
But its her business, I knew what I said would not be popular. SHe can do what she needs to do in private, her kids dont have to be exposed, and under the circumstances I would not advise her to tell her husband. She cant make him do the right things for himself, its his responsiblity besides, she can just try to lead him there. Why is it all on her to fix him?
ANyway poster, you ever need to talk message me. Im super busy these days, but Id be glad to talk with you.
GOOD LUCK IN YOUR DECISIONS.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 60
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