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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/11/2012 7:14:10 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		OP,

Have you thought that perhaps legal divorce or separation but still living in the same house might be an option in order to protect your finances? As long as you are married you will be responsible for his bills (including medical). If you divorce now (and you can still be his caretaker after a divorce) and if you are in a community property state you can get half the assets to protect them from future medical bills for you and your children's sake.

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(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/11/2012 10:20:09 AM   
culareD


Posts: 762
Joined: 8/16/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

What do you find to be "red flags" when speaking with a Dom


Here's an in depth discussion: Red Flag attitudes...

Here are my red flags and turn-offs when in comes to profiles/initial contact:

Profile
- His profile is very short and/or entirely kink based, contains text speak, spelling and grammatical errors.
- No pictures - worse if his primary pic is of a woman, even worse a cartoon Bondage Barbi. I put these profiles on Hide.
(If he attaches a pic in his first email that somewhat makes up for it. I had a minister do this.)
- He's an Expert in everything

First email
- Did not read my profile/wrote even though I want single, local guys only, etc
- Too short/text speak/spelling and grammatical errors/boring, e.g., "hi how r u"
- Presumes a relationship we don't have "kneel bitch"
- Wants my off site contact information (YIM, phone, etc) way too early. I'll give it when I'm comfortable.
- Is otherwise in a rush - looking to meet that or next day.
- Otherwise comes across as pushy. I need to know that he will respect my boundaries when he has me bound and helpless.

I have found that people who swoop in with a tornado of faux intimacy swoop out just as fast.

If someone claimed to be a Shibari expert but was not a member of his local community, that would give me pause. I guess it's possible to learn this online but I would form negative judgments about people who were not willing to learn technical skills from others IRL. I've always lived in areas where lots of education was available at reasonable prices.




OP...ALL of these things DO happen...stick around the boards, ask questions and LISTEN. This WILL help you discern who is legit. Most of the folks here on the boards will listen and give their honest opinions which you can take or leave.

As far as the other issues...consider carefully the consequences of your choices!!! Ultimately, it is YOU that must live with them. There is simply no rush to do anything you may regret. Good luck!

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(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/11/2012 2:08:34 PM   
VideoAdminGamma


Posts: 2233
Status: offline 		Fast reply

Some posts had to be pulled for Off Topic and the string of replies to them. If you did not get a mail, but want a copy of your post, then please contact me.

Thank you for being a part of CollarMe,
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(in reply to culareD)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/12/2012 5:02:44 PM   
whydoyoucheat


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/1/2011
Status: offline 		I have my profile hidden righ now but this is what it says:

There is a phrase: If he/she will cheat with you then he/she will cheat on you.

I've been both the cheater and the cheatee and let me tell you, it's a LIE when the person says: what my significant other doesn't know won't hurt them.

LIE. LIE. LIE.

Trust me - someone DOES get hurt. Think about it.

Using the lifestyle as an excuse to cheat, just cheapens the beauty of the life. Yes, I'm talking to you Dominant men and women: poly is often an excuse to cheat. Or a way around it. Think about it.

I have been on both sides. The guilt ate me up. The Dom ate me up. Promises broken and oh, what a smooth talker. I never see or date anyone, lifestyle or not, that is married. If he says he is separated I tell him to call me when he is divorced. If he says he is divorced, I ask to see his papers. Amazing who disappears. When I cheated on my ex, I justified it in so many ways. You have a sad situation, yes, but you are legally and morally comitted to your husband. Just my thoughts.

(in reply to VideoAdminGamma)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/12/2012 5:29:09 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

I am not telling the poster to cheat, I am telling her to take care of herself and do what SHE needs to do to do and make HER OWN decision.
SHe might not decide to cheat at all anyway. I hope she finds a dom who is supportive of her emotionally, stablizing her, and she might find she doesnt need sex at this time.
But its her business, I knew what I said would not be popular. SHe can do what she needs to do in private, her kids dont have to be exposed, and under the circumstances I would not advise her to tell her husband. She cant make him do the right things for himself, its his responsiblity besides, she can just try to lead him there. Why is it all on her to fix him?
ANyway poster, you ever need to talk message me. Im super busy these days, but Id be glad to talk with you.
GOOD LUCK IN YOUR DECISIONS.


Her decision involves her family because she is married, she has others to think of that are an intrinsic part of what her reality is. She is not single or childless, therefore she cannot really make a decision that affects only her in some kind of an isolation bubble, everything she does will have ramifications to the ones she is tied to. She has been encouraged to think of those ramifications and where they might go, what they might lead to. You are encouraging her to act as though she were single, but she isn't. It's not simply that what you said is unpopular, it doesn't actually even exist.

Saying that her kids don't have to be exposed is rather like wishful thinking. Of course they're exposed. Just because she's not bringing the guy in for public displays of affection doesn't mean that once again what she does exists in a vacuum. She is their mother, whatever she does is part of their world, plus there is always the chance that she'll be found out.

It's on her to fix him because:
-He is ill and cannot actually manage fixing himself.
-She can make decisions and think things through.
-Part of his illness means he has no interest in fixing things.
When one part of the equation isn't functioning, it's up to the other part to take up the slack. She can say it's on him to do his part and then when it's not done she'll end up with it all anyway. It's not like this seriously ill man is going to snap out of it because he's asked to 'fix himself'.

I'd just like to suggest to the OP in general that sometimes it helps to find out why some people post the way they do. You can always go to someone's profile and click on the 'view forum posts' button to get an idea of why they post the way they do, and why they may hold certain opinions.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/12/2012 5:38:38 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
Saying that her kids don't have to be exposed is rather like wishful thinking. Of course they're exposed. Just because she's not bringing the guy in for public displays of affection doesn't mean that once again what she does exists in a vacuum. She is their mother, whatever she does is part of their world, plus there is always the chance that she'll be found out.


1) Children are actually very good at figuring it out. They may not know exactly what it is, but they know when something is wrong.

2) There's no way that the kids won't be exposed if he finds out.

3) She's already said that she's afraid that he would use BDSM against her to get custody. If that's your fear and you go ahead and do it anyway....you're saying that kinky sex is more important than your kids.


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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/12/2012 9:45:47 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

SHe can do what she needs to do in private, her kids dont have to be exposed, and under the circumstances I would not advise her to tell her husband. She cant make him do the right things for himself, its his responsibility besides, she can just try to lead him there. Why is it all on her to fix him?


First of all, it is already affecting their children. Do you really think that children can't sense what's going on, that the moods and actions of the parents don't sway the children?

And it's up to her to be a responsible wife and help him...put him in a nursing home or divorce him just to have him fear what he will do without someone there to take care of him. If he really loves her and she loves him then this threat may be an eye opener for both. If he still doesn't care then the nursing home will take better care of him than his wife. He's not going to get any better at home. Life will stay exactly like it is and never be healthy ever again.


Ya know, when you get married you have responsibilities towards your spouse...that includes helping to keep him healthy and to stand by him in times of difficulty and choose the right decisions for him since he cannot do it for himself.

Then again, I'm old fashioned and believe that marriage is sooooo much more than a piece of paper.


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Everything has changed

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/13/2012 12:44:10 AM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

Her decision involves her family because she is married, she has others to think of that are an intrinsic part of what her reality is. She is not single or childless, therefore she cannot really make a decision that affects only her in some kind of an isolation bubble, everything she does will have ramifications to the ones she is tied to. She has been encouraged to think of those ramifications and where they might go, what they might lead to. You are encouraging her to act as though she were single, but she isn't. It's not simply that what you said is unpopular, it doesn't actually even exist.


If you recall, chatterbox was in, like, pretty much exactly the same situation as the OP (or at least married w/ kids and cheating with some selfish Dom), so of course she's going to say it's ok.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/13/2012 2:50:52 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu


quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

If you recall, chatterbox was in, like, pretty much exactly the same situation as the OP (or at least married w/ kids and cheating with some selfish Dom), so of course she's going to say it's ok.


Yes, I remember that and do every time she posts; I was picking my words around it and encouraging the OP to see for herself where CB is coming from. Plus, I'm not sure what CB's situation included as far as if her marriage included any illness, or just her cheating. While other poster's have said that except for the actual illness, that they were in the OP's situation pretty closely.

I think what I said earlier on in this thread about how people can only post from what their experience is and their opinions on the subject bear that out pretty well when you think of the answers she got and who they were from.

Just as a general announcement for the lurkers here, if a particular posting on a meaningful subject to you here on the boards resonates, then take the time to check the person's posting history to see if that is someone you actually want to listen to.

(in reply to graceadieu)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/13/2012 10:23:20 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		OP, if the medications are not getting him out of the depressive state, discuss with his psychiatrist about ECT.

Because if you get hit by a bus tomorrow, your kids will wind up in foster care as he won't take care of them.

Some people need to be hospitalized in order to decide that they don't want to live this way, and to be pro-active in seeking treatment. And I speak from the perspective of a chronic, clinical depressive who spent years suffering from the disease and always wanted out of it.

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Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/13/2012 11:20:50 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Absolutely think of this:


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

First of all, you need to get him into a nursing home or mental institution. You can't help him unless you're a nurse or professional caregiver. I'm assuming you're not. Then wait...if he doesn't get better over a period of time then look into a divorce or what you can do about a divorce if he is not mentally capable of signing papers or understanding. Then sit down with your children and explain to them what is happening and that they can still see their dad when he is allowed visitors. As of right now they are not in a safe or productive environment nor are they receiving any kind of support or role models.

You need to do the work on your marriage first before you think about cheating and/or lying to him.



Someone that seriously depressed needs more than meds. What kind of role model are you two being for your children by allowing his depression to continue w/o adequate treatment? If you really love your husband, if you ever loved him, for fuck all's sake, help him.





There are all sorts of options in your state:
Psychiatric Day Treatment Services
Psychiatric Rehabilitation Programs
Residential Rehabilitation Programs
Respite Care Services
Therapeutic Group Homes
Group Homes for Adults with Mental Illness

http://dhmh.maryland.gov/ohcq/MH/default.aspx

You don't have to do this alone (and NAMI is an excellent suggestion also).
http://www.nami.org/MSTemplate.cfm?Site=NAMI_Howard_County
(local chapter)


< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 9/13/2012 11:23:07 AM >

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(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/13/2012 5:38:54 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I have to agree with DesFIP and angelikaJ - insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/14/2012 4:56:49 AM   
toto68


Posts: 16
Joined: 9/10/2012
Status: offline 		OMG! I just posted to the wrong place! I too am in your situation, I am married and have found someone also married who is a DOM. I am trying to learn this lifestyle as well. Read my post under General BDSM. Now I know where I need to be reading posts and hope to educate myself via these posts. Can I ask..............how did we get "Vanilla" posted to us? How does the site know via our posts?

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/14/2012 5:14:33 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		toto - everyone gets the vanilla cone until you post 25 times. Don't worry, there's no mindreading going on!

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/14/2012 5:36:39 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I too am in your situation, I am married and have found someone also married who is a DOM.


Have you read this whole thread or just the OP (opening post)? If you are married and cheating, you can expect similar chastisement on your thread. If you are being ethical and seeing the Dom with the consent of all the spouses involved, do clarify that on your thread post haste.

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(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/14/2012 5:45:35 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		Get permission from your husband and his wife and you all can jump into a pile guilt free. No sneaky cheating allowed, but if you all agree, its totally sin free and allowed. THis is rule number one here. SMILING SO BIG MY FACE HURTS!!!! LMAO.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/14/2012 5:55:56 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Thank you angelika. As ever, you are so much less judgmental and so much more informative than I was.

But I can't help but add, just in case it's not clear to the OP, someone that seriously depressed CANNOT pull themselves up by their bootstraps (as my granny used to say) and fight their way out of the depression. I imagine he's on a cocktail of drugs that are not helping. It's up to his wife to get him the treatment he needs.

That she's thinking of cheating and blaming his depression might be understandable to some. Okay, so poor baby girl hasn't been getting her needs met. What her husband is dealing with is far worse, IMO.

The decent thing to do from an adult standpoint is to pull her head out of the sand, realize how seriously ill he is, that it's not his fault, and get him real help.



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Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/17/2012 6:48:30 AM   
loveseat


Posts: 28
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
My marriage is a caretaker/invalid thing so I don't have a home sex life. I don't want to tell him but, we lead such separate lives that as long as he and the kids are cared for, I live a pretty single life.



What you think your marriage is and what your partner think your marriage is can be two completely different things. My husband and I had an 'open' marriage for almost a decade. It was only when I objected to him bringing a woman to stay with in our house for an extended period of time did I learn that in his mind our marriage had been over for years. Silly me, up until that point I had been completely invested in our relationship.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/17/2012 1:50:40 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
No sneaky cheating allowed, but if you all agree, its totally sin free and allowed. THis is rule number one here.


That's exactly right, and this is exactly why:


quote:

ORIGINAL: loveseat

What you think your marriage is and what your partner think your marriage is can be two completely different things. My husband and I had an 'open' marriage for almost a decade. It was only when I objected to him bringing a woman to stay with in our house for an extended period of time did I learn that in his mind our marriage had been over for years. Silly me, up until that point I had been completely invested in our relationship.


It's not about GUILT, it's about being clear about what you want and where everyone's at, and being accountable and taking responsibility for what you want.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
SMILING SO BIG MY FACE HURTS!!!! LMAO.


Not getting why you thin it's funny...?

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/19/2012 4:47:10 AM   
YesDaddy12


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/14/2012
Status: offline 		I have been married for 25 years. We have been in the lifestyle for the last 3 years. For the past few months we have been talking of having an open/poly relationship with the freedom of seeing other people. He currently has a girlfriend he see's a few times a week and I am looking. We spend a lot of hours communicating about how we feel and what we need. Ive helped him fill out profiles on dating websites and he goes with me when I meet someone new. Its very open and very honest and we have never been this happy. Communication is the key.

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(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 80
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