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personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 9:34:19 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		does personality affect whether a person is dominant or submissive? Meaning if a person is naturally outgoing with they automatically think they are dominant, and vice versa?
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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 9:38:35 PM   
desertdancer


Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline 		My public side is very outgoing, which is a big facet of my personality, however I am very submissive, so perhaps they balance each other out.  I have a silly, sarcastic sense of humor and tend to be outgoing at work or at parties, but on the other hand I keep all deeper levels of me under a lock and key for only people I really love.  There are parts of me that feel very shy at times then there are parts of me that are so outgoing I surprise myself.  So my answer to  your question? I have NO idea.

~dancer


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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 9:40:58 PM   
CrescentLuna


Posts: 89
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline 		This has been covered in similar threads multiple times, but I think it is going to boil down to who you ask: To some people, being submissive or dominant is as natural to them as being a brunette or redhead - you change it to suit you, but naturally you'll always be a natural dom/sub/whatever.
To others (like myself) it is an aspect of you - you can appear to be dominant and in command of some situations, but once you get to the bedroom you desire to be on your knees. Or you spend all day being subserviant, and putting others needs before your own, and need to, upon arriving home, order whoever is waiting you to strip. I think it quite a personal thing.

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 9:56:30 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
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Status: offline 		I ask this question because i was once told i do not have the personality of a submissive. I was confused by the comment and wanted to know the opinions of others.

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 10:03:12 PM   
CrescentLuna


Posts: 89
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline 		I'm curious as to why they made that statement - what was telling them you weren't? (And, was it online? Because I get tons of messages from various places telling me I am X or Y and need Z - but they're just stupid). did they give any reason?
And honestly - I can perfectly imagine the mousiest girl getting a real kick out of putting on a leather pantsuit and whipping the hell out of someone. Same as the big, loud, beefy guy doing the most subserviant things - your outward personality isn't always how you ARE inside, nor how you always are. :P

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 10:15:15 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		I have a naturally outgoing personality, and we were talking on the phone. I guess our conversation reflected that. I can totally agree with you thinking the mousiest girl putting on leather, and whipping some guy into submission, and the same goes for the biker guy being sub.

I suppose it all goes back to 'looks can be decieving.'

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 10:41:18 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
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Status: offline 		Cool...don't have the 'personality' of a ________. Ok, so first, this individual needs to get into a discussion on how they define personality; is it just a portion of behavior they've seen? C'mon...I personally don't always gravitate towards the center of groups until I get to know them some; unless, I choose to turn off the 'I give a shit what they think' lever and then I tend to do obnoxious things...just to watch reactions; most of the time I just ignore people. My personality, some say I'm introverted, some think I'm outgoing, others don't care...am I a dominant? Again who do you want to ask, in what manner, in what situation...I AM ALWAYS A DOMINANT I hear alot; does that include when the cop has pulled you over and is looking at you suspiciously with one hand on the butt of his handgun? or when your youngun is asking for ________ and you're trying to figure out how to juggle finances to make it happen? Or for that matter, when your mother calls to see how you're doing?

I think we tend to behave in patterns, perhaps from inertia and that is how alot of people define us, including ourselves...


C


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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 10:52:08 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I think males are naturally dominant and females are naturally submissive when it comes to relating to the other on an intimate basis in relationship. However I think each sex has a little of the other in them..so maybe when people are taking on different roles they are just tuning into that little bit of the other side and embracing it...or something... I dunno...all I do know is that I feel my submission deep inside my femininity so its the only thing I can relate to. So its not really about personality and how we portray ourselves to an outside world, in most cases, I think we are what we need to be in any given situation generally. Example: If I see a kid about to walk in front of a bus I'm gonna become really dominant, shout and yank the child outa harms way. If I need to make a business decision, I take control. If I see someone suffering I feel compassion. If I'm in the presence of someone who knows more than me about something, I will be submissive etc etc etc.......




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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 10:58:12 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
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Status: offline 		Maybe it's not so much about personality, but how you react in a given situation. I can see where a dominat side of a submissive might come out (the child grabbing example was excellent).

I know i'm submissive, but i've talked to dominants who believe personality should reflect that. Ex. if you're submissive, you should be meek, and quiet, only speak when spoken to etc etc.

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:02:20 PM   
slavejali


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quote:

I know i'm submissive, but i've talked to dominants who believe personality should reflect that. Ex. if you're submissive, you should be meek, and quiet, only speak when spoken to etc etc.


That's a load of rubbish "unless" its referring to a dominant you're truely interested in having a relationship with ..then facts like that become extremely important cause that particular dominant is letting you know what type of submissive they are desiring.

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:06:53 PM   
litleone8620


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Status: offline 		Ah, but W/we were never in a committed relationship, and just discussing random things. I can see how the behavior of a submissive is important to a dominant, especially in a 24/7 RT thing. In that case, it's understandable, and might even be expected (on the dominants part. but who knows, maybe even the submissive's too).

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:08:40 PM   
ownedgirlie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

I know i'm submissive, but i've talked to dominants who believe personality should reflect that. Ex. if you're submissive, you should be meek, and quiet, only speak when spoken to etc etc.



It is a matter of preference.  I know dominants who like submissive women to "behave submissively" all the time, in anyone's company.  They like to see that in a girl, and believe anyone who does not fit their ideal must also not fit the definition.  In my Master's case, however, the stronger I am in public, and the more I hold my own, the more value he places on my submission when I grovel at his feet in his presence.  He believes anyone can dominate someone who is weak and submits to anyone.  So for him there is no pride in that.  I think it would be interesting for my Dom friend and him to get together and discuss it, as they are both quite set in their beliefs. 

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:14:41 PM   
sweetinnocence41


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quote:

To others (like myself) it is an aspect of you - you can appear to be dominant and in command of some situations, but once you get to the bedroom you desire to be on your knees. Or you spend all day being subserviant, and putting others needs before your own, and need to, upon arriving home, order whoever is waiting you to strip. I think it quite a personal thing.


This is pretty interesting conversation.  I've even had similar questions.  I've been told by quite a few dominants that I am by no means a submissive.  I know I have a very dominant personality and am very confident in who I am as a person.  I've even had my own submissives.  However, as stated above, bedroom behavior can be different from everyday living.  Or, after spending the entire day being the boss, upon arriving home, I enjoy relinquishing control.  Yet, there are times that, for sake of variety, I have to fulfill the role of dominant if that is what my partner seeks at the time and I have no problem with that.  So, I agree that it is quite personal.

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:17:15 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I am extremely extroverted. I am also confident. I can debate my way out of a paper sack (most of the time..winks)... I can be aggressive when going after what I want. I am also very submissive.

The dominant I am seeing is a sensitive person. I adore this about him and it makes him more domly in my eyes. He only tries to take what I have freely given.

The interesting thing is that we both took the same personality test, and came up with the same personality type...lol.

So I guess personality type does not define dominant or submissive. People define themselves...

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:20:45 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

I ask this question because i was once told i do not have the personality of a submissive. I was confused by the comment and wanted to know the opinions of others.


I was once told this by someone that I knew from political circles after I found out she was domme. It blew her away I was a submissive...lol. I think sometimes we buy into stereotypes about ourselves. I am only submissive to my dominant and no one else. I am extremely submissive to him and it would have a feeling of wrongness to me for it to be any other way.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/12/2006 11:22:40 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:21:27 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		I read somewhere that being submissive does not mean you're weak. I take that to heart. I have met a couple of dominats who like to dominate weak-willed women, becasue they find it easier. But, i've met more dominats who enjoy dominating a strong-willed woman.

Even though i am submissive, i can understand why any Master would enjoy dominating a woman who can hold her own. 

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:24:14 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		So, do dominats think that just because a person is submissive she's not confident in herself or her actions?

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:32:50 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
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quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

does personality affect whether a person is dominant or submissive? Meaning if a person is naturally outgoing with they automatically think they are dominant, and vice versa?


I suppose it must but I don't see a correlation between a woman being sexually submissive and having a submissive personality. The subs I have had dealings with are only submissive in an environment where they feel safe and protected. Well even I can relax my guard in such circumstances, anyone can. So while a woman might see herself as submissive because when all things are right, she enjoys being sexually submissive, I don't think that makes her submissive. You can take the sex out of it, if a woman is submissive in a domestic environment where she feels safe to be submissive, that doesn't mean she is submissive, it means she can allow herself to be submissive. We are all humans and mould ourselves or grow into particular situations. We might not feel comfortable with certain types of behaviour but that could be as much to do with socialisation as personality.

I've said it before, I've never met a submissive submissive. As for the correlation between dom and personality, I haven't had a relationship with one other than friendship but I'm thinking there is a lot ot do with socialisation here too. When I go to America, there are obviously more social pressures on a man to be macho than in Europe and as a result I get the impression their are more doms per capita than Europe (personal observation here but I'd bet money on it.). The way some American men hold themselves, in a very macho and assertive way, they would be laughed at in Europe, in the same way an American friend said she felt many European men looked and acted effeminate. Well I know that the men she was pointing out as an example could mix it with the best of them. Actually, if you ever see any Brit soldiers on the news, compare them with how American soldiers hold themselves, they are less demonstrative and probably more disciplined.

So I guess I don't see a correlation between personality and role in BDSM, not entirely anyway.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 6/12/2006 11:34:56 PM >

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:33:52 PM   
aellea


Posts: 91
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		i couldn't count the number of times i've been told i'm not submissive, don't act submissive, asked if i'm a domme or just that i'm not of the lifestyle.  until they walk in my shoes and feel what my soul feels, they have no right to say such things. those comments used to tear me apart however i have learned to handle other's criticisms, knowing that if they knew me indepth, they would change their mind.  in their obnoxiousness... they will never get that close- their loss!

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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/12/2006 11:46:52 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		So, there might not be any correlation between personality and dominant/submissive. But are there not stereotypes attatched to each? And because of this, many women act submissive outside a scene, or whatever. And the same goes for a Dominant. They act macho because they have that stereotype attatched to them.

Here's a vanilla Ex: I am a natural blonde, so i've had the 'dumb blonde' stereotype following me all my life. Because i felt the pressure to be a 'dumb blonde' because that's what everyone expected of me, that's what i was. And if followed me to high school, and even in the beginnings of college.

Does that not happen with stereotypes of Dominants and Submissives?


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