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RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/13/2006 10:33:21 PM

zero69u2

Posts: 107
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

would you ask your submissive to submit to anyone other than yourself?
i don't think i ever would..

but sexual submissive play with others i'd want some guideline controls on acceptable behavior before entertaining the idea of playing with others.
mostly just safety netting and having a open fun time without getting into jealousy issues.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 81

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/13/2006 10:40:46 PM

mastersayed

Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

I've heard a lot of comments saying a person is only submissive to their dominant.

so my question is this:
Submissives: would you submit to anyone other than your dominant if he asked it of you?

Dominants: would you ask your submissive to submit to anyone other than yourself?

I would never let my slave submit to another man, and she doesnt want to anyways. She's mine and only mine. I dont think think its kinky to have her serve another man sexually, but thats just me and if anybody else is into it, its a free country.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 82

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/13/2006 10:45:13 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I can tell you that I know many subs who lack empathy, are very low intelligence and huge egos, and slaves with large egos as well.

I have a box for them. They are workers.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Perhaps the reason you can't fathom some things is because the world doesn't fit into your pre-formed boxes.

Indeed. It bothers me. I have six primary boxes and another four for more complicated minds, but there are many more boxes missing. Only a few people fit into my boxes. So most types of people are as yet unfathomed by me.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 83

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/13/2006 10:59:21 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have seen many newbies both Dom and sub ask the question of "how should I act?" The point is, you shouldn't be acting at all. You should be yourself. Many buy into the fallacy that Doms or subs should act a certain way. If you have to act, then you are probably not what you pretend to be.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 84

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/13/2006 11:10:04 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
So, you what i'm getting from your post is that if a person doesn't act submissive, they're not submissive, and the same goes for dominants?

No. I have made a specific distinction. By analogy: people used to call everything in the sea that swims and has fins a fish. Later they realised: "Hey, these seals and dolphins and whales and such are not fish at all! They are mammals!"

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
I am submissive, and i have an outgoing personality. Some might even call it *shiver* dominant. Does this make me dominant. I certainly hope not.

I do not know, for lack of information.

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
And if what you say is true, there will be a lot of confused submissives around here.

There are a lot of green things. One of them is a frog. That does not mean that all other green things are not green. It simply means that they are not this species of frog.

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
As far as ego is concerned, why do you say a slave has no ego?

Why do we say a boar has tusks? Why do we say the sun provides heat and light? Why do we say a desert is defined by a lack of water?

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 85

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/14/2006 5:49:04 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
I've heard a lot of comments saying a person is only submissive to their dominant.

so my question is this:
Submissives: would you submit to anyone other than your dominant if he asked it of you?

Dominants: would you ask your submissive to submit to anyone other than yourself

http://www.collarchat.com/m_377083/mpage_1/key_share%252Csub/tm.htm#377083
How many dominants share their subs?

To answer your question- many subs and doms enter into relationships where service (in any form) can be extended to others beyond the submissives actual dominant

And many do not.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 86

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/14/2006 7:10:13 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

Posts: 1672
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
so my question is this:
Submissives: would you submit to anyone other than your dominant if he asked it of you?

Yes, and I've done so in the past. Then again, the person who asked me to do so - made it plain exactly what HE expected of me in regards to any orders issued by the person I was "loaned" to, and didn't do so lightly. Nor did he "loan" me to someone who hadn't earned a great deal of HIS trust and respect, as well as MY trust and respect. The loanee knew what was and wasn't acceptable, had been thoroughly briefed on all my limits both hard and soft, had been briefed on my safety signals and words, and had been briefed on what the loaner would do to him if he screwed up and crossed certain lines. All of us who were involved in the situtation knew exactly where the others stood on various issues. The person I was loaned to understood implicitly that I had the right to tell him NO in no uncertain terms if I wasn't comfortable with the situation or if an order he issued was at odds with any standing orders from my partner. All of us were aware of, and had agreed upon, the time frame wherein this loan was valid - and were aware that once that time frame was up, I was no longer under any sort of obligation towards obedience to the extra person.

Those are really the only circumstances under which I will allow myself to be loaned out to someone at my partner's request. And I make damned sure that my partner understands that right from the start of a relationship. Now, I have to add here that doing a limited scene at the local dungeon with a different SM play partner doesn't generally enter into this type of consideration where I'm concerned. It's public play in a setting where some types of things Can't be done due to the rules of the location, where time constraints are very obvious, and where there are dungeon staffers to put a stop to things forcibly if I safeword and it's ignored. And of course, while I'm single, all of it is moot anyway - I'm my own boss until I enter into an agreement with someone, and will play/not play as I choose.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 87

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/14/2006 7:29:54 AM

hizgeorgiapeach

Posts: 1672
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Perhaps the reason you can't fathom some things is because the world doesn't fit into your pre-formed boxes.

Indeed. It bothers me. I have six primary boxes and another four for more complicated minds, but there are many more boxes missing. Only a few people fit into my boxes. So most types of people are as yet unfathomed by me.

*Digs out her trusty and well sharpened box cutter, and gets to work shredding cardboard*

People are not "types." We are each unique individuals, complex and convoluted in our makeup and personality, formed by our own specific set of both inherently genetic and environmentally induced circumstances.

It is the people like yourself - who expect others to conform to neatly stacked, boxed up sets of circumstances and personality traits - whom I believe engender and foster the misconception that stereotyping somehow works, or that if someone doesn't fit YOUR preconcieved notions that they "can't" be who they are. This is the fallicy of certain lines of modern psychological theory - and it simply doesn't hold true.

And just for clarification of my most recent responce to this thread - JuliaO is correct in that there is a huge gulf of difference between someone Dominating, and someone Topping, another person. That's one of the reasons that I do not consider SM play at the local dungeon to be a matter of being "loaned" by my partner. One of the things that I generally reserve to myself is the right to determine whom I will and won't allow to top me in a limited scene setting. For circumstances that I would consider it a matter of being loaned out to someone else for them to dominate me it would be outside of a strictly scening venue : how I was to dress/present myself for a function, whether there were eye contact restrictions, how I was to speak to them, etc. And it Does take a particular mindset to agree to such. For myself, I find it's easiest to view the person I'm temporarily loaned to not as an individual, per se, but as an extention of my partner - no different, in this context, than I would view an extra arm that he had temporarily grown. When viewed in that light, it is not "someone else" that I am submitting to at all - it is simply my partner in a rather unusual choice of costume.

_____________________________

Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

(in reply to Rule)

Post #: 88

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/14/2006 10:27:54 AM

FloridaISIS

Posts: 235
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

First, I want to apologize for this being a long post, but for those who read it I hope to give a glimpse into at least one switch's mindset.

quote:

ORIGINAL: irishbynature

But if it's just personality, then how does one explain "Switches?" Those who are subs for years and say they've grown/changed and are now Doms or vice versa?

Switch to the rescue. Littleone, get out your beret cos Frenchie La Switch is giving lessons--lmao.

I've been a Dominant for three years and love it. My subs tell me I'm gentle, tender, and compassionate and treat them humanely. For the most part, I am only harsh when their behavior dictates it. It's not about being the almighty Domme. I prefer to nurture and guide them down their natuaral path of submission. I love what they become under my care, and they respond to My "Mother Hen" way of domination. It's a win-win situation.

Now for the switching. I attended my first play party Feb 05 and was in awe. The Doms just drew me in as I watched them working their magic on their subs. One of my Domme friends knew one well known Dom who has won recognition for his flogging and whip skills. Anyway, I ended up getting a hot, sensual, erotic flogging from him and loved it. I went home that night and was like a crack addict--jonesing for my next fix. I was almost on the verge of a panic attack- it was that bad. For about 2 weeks afterwards I was a wreck. Not sure what it all meant, and why as a Domme I loved handing over myself to another Dominant? Took a couple months to set in. In my 16 months as a switch I've found that I will only submit to a gentle Dom who is very nurturing. I do horribly with the more intense Alphas. Call me too "soft" for their liking if you will. I hate humiliation and am not into pain. I'm a darn hedonist!

As to what brought me to this point? Master Roissey must've been reading my mind, and I find this true for the males who are very Dominant in their careers, but behind closed doors will fall at your feet. We're a stressed nation for the most part, and life gets too much and sometimes we just have to have an outlet. I'd rather have D/s than hit the bottle or turn to drugs.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterRoissey

or simply a single mother or business woman who runs her world with total control and responsibility...they feel no relief, they are always "on"...becuase they must be!
often it is the "strongest", the most competent, even the "fiercest" who must give into their true nature , to completely give up their power and control to anOther , to find any relief and release.
the gift that these "subs/slaves"offer is a far deeper gift than that the weak /abused doing the only thing that they have ever known.

I tend to over control every detail of my life. I have to, as I have no one else to rely on as a single parent, so heck yes, sometimes I just want to fall into a strong Daddy's arms, or kneel at his feet with my head in his lap and just say, "take Me Daddy I'm yours." I need the nurturing a Dom can bring. I need that outlet (cathartic cleansing of the mind, heart, body and soul, so to say). As for being "the 'fiercest' who must give into their true nature , to completely give up their power and control to anOther , to find any relief and release."(Master Roissey). Yes, to this day I still sometimes break out in tears because I'm so afraid to just "let go" and hand over that control to another. It flips me out sometimes. It's like I've programmed myself to always be on and in control at all costs, but now at the proper Dom's feet I can relinquish that control.
________________________________
Live, Love, Laugh, and Play Safe,
Peace and Love,
Isis

edited: I want to thank irishbynature, littleone and Master Roissey for bringing this topic out in the open. It helped me writing this more than anyone could know. It was very eye-opening, and helped to finally put it all into perspective. Master Roissey, you said exactly what I've been feeling for months, but was never quite able to pinpoint. Thank you Sir, very much.

< Message edited by FloridaISIS -- 6/14/2006 10:36:52 AM >

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 89

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/14/2006 1:46:42 PM

melnkolybabydoll

Posts: 39
Joined: 5/17/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

I know i'm submissive, but i've talked to dominants who believe personality should reflect that. Ex. if you're submissive, you should be meek, and quiet, only speak when spoken to etc etc.

There are sooo many facets to one's personality. If we always respond to everything in the same way, we would be terribly predictable and boring. People tend to toss aside that with which they are bored.

On a personal note, i show what i want others to see. i am a very strong and outgoing person to most. With my husband away for long periods, i've had to be perceived as strong in order to deal with the general headbutting that comes with everyday life (esp. with kids). Keeping my submissive side under wraps in a given environment is often a matter of self-protection. There are too many who see those attributes and take it as license to ridicule or abuse. The ones who know and love me, see and accept all sides to my personality...although they might not like a few of them.

ISIS struck a definite nerve with me with the statement, "...I find this true for the males who are very Dominant in their careers, but behind closed doors will fall at your feet." Thank you for pointing that out. In our situation, he feels that most of the time he has no control whatsoever, in his job. Even though i often (egotistically) think beforehand that i could do something better, i hand him the reigns and give him the control of his home. It gives him the sense of power he needs, and gives me relief from having to make the decisions. When i don't fight the "natural (feeling) order" of things, it works beautifully for us.

< Message edited by melnkolybabydoll -- 6/14/2006 2:01:43 PM >

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 90

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/14/2006 8:37:24 PM

FloridaISIS

Posts: 235
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

melnkolybabydoll, Ladies, and Gentleman,

Sometimes what I mean to say doesn't always come out the way I intend it to. So I'd like to try and clarify what I intended to originally convey.

I have served 2 alphas who both had high profile careers, and they we're far from the fall to their knees kind of men. I in no way meant to demean any of the Dominants who have the inner fortitude to not only handle a stressful career, but who still have that innate ability to oversee and control all areas of their lives as well. It amazes me how they manage to stay so strong and focused, and seemingly never burn out, or if they do they are darn good at hiding it.

On the flip side, I have known doctors, attorneys, accountants, engineers, etc and the stress of their jobs had the opposite effect to where it was too much for them, and outside of the office they wanted nothing more than to relinquish all control.

As you stated, "When i don't fight the 'natural (feeling) order' of things, it works beautifully for us." (melnkolybabydoll)
This is the essence of D/s letting each partner follow the natural order of things. I find when this isn't the case nothing but turmoil ensues between me and my partner.

< Message edited by FloridaISIS -- 6/14/2006 8:38:54 PM >

(in reply to melnkolybabydoll)

Post #: 91

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/14/2006 8:49:56 PM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

OK, but do people who have high stress job feel like they HAVE to come home and be submissive? And does the opposite go for submissives?

(in reply to FloridaISIS)

Post #: 92

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/14/2006 8:59:13 PM

FloridaISIS

Posts: 235
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

Each person is wired differently, so I would say they are only doing what comes natural to them. It's just who they are.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 93

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/15/2006 5:56:30 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
OK, but do people who have high stress job feel like they HAVE to come home and be submissive?

Some yes, some no.

We all feel the need sometimes to chill out and relax. Since submissive so often gets equated with "passive and not having to think or worry" then it's a normal shift for people to be attracted to submission.

But, as most of us know, being a submissive in a relationship is anything BUT passive and not having to think or worry about stuff.

quote:

And does the opposite go for submissives?

Nope.

Just depends on the person.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 94

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/15/2006 6:07:01 AM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

I know i'm submissive, but i've talked to dominants who believe personality should reflect that. Ex. if you're submissive, you should be meek, and quiet, only speak when spoken to etc etc.

So my first question is always this.... how many long term fulfilling relationships have you had with a submissive? Because these my friend are the assholes who know it all.. they should have the background to back it up. I find most who believe the world is black and white are usually unable to keep a long term relationship..(but am I not being black and white in this respect??? hmmm boggles the mind)
jessie

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 95

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/15/2006 6:09:55 AM

JessieMe

Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

OK, but do people who have high stress job feel like they HAVE to come home and be submissive? And does the opposite go for submissives?

What does a high stress job have to do with the dynamics between partners in a D/s relationship? Do I have to come home and act like I havent had a stressful day? No.. not realistic.. but am I expected to maintain my submissiveness to my Master.. you betcha.. or there are consequenses.. No one said being a submissive was easy... only that it was worthwhile to those who belong there.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 96

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/16/2006 9:32:52 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

Unfortunately, when i posted the question about high stress jobs, i wasn't talking about the facets of an M/s relationship. What i was talking about was if a person who has a high stress job feels like they have to be submissive, BECAUSE of their job. If you go back, and read the rest of the posts, you'll understand it.

My OP was asking whether a person's personality shapes their choice of whether to be submissive or dominant. I've posted other questions on this thread about the job. But nothing so far about the dynamics of the M/s relationship.

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 97

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/16/2006 4:46:15 PM

naughtygirly

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/19/2006
Status: offline

i believe the question being asked here 'personality V's being sub / dom' is one which we ask ourselves on our journey of discovery of what it means to us being dom or sub? how this fits into our lives? how our separate and different personalities can co-exist? i indeed question this alot and here is what i think...

i think that how we behave and present ourselves in vanilla / 'real world' is very very different to how we behave and present ourselves as a submissive or dominant.... and while our behaviour may be different, our underlying personality is one and the same. i think this is the case only because society has forced us to evolve that way. it is unacceptable behaviour to crawl around the supermarket on a leash and pick up groceries with our mouth for ones master / mistress just as much as it is unacceptable behaviour for a sub to ask his / her dom to 'go a bit lighter will you, thats sore' during play. my personaliy is dependant on which behaviour is acceptable at the time and in what scenario...... for example i can only be submissive in behaviour in the company of a dom or doms, or even other subs, or just other people in the scene.... how can i be submissive when in company of vanillas without appearing like a pushover / doormat!! vanillas would consider my behaviour to be weird. yet while my beahviour may be different, my personality is the same.

we understand our own personalities much better than vanillas i think, have a far deeper insight into who we are and what we want to be. i believe while personality is the same, our behaviour in vanilla is very different to our behaviour when in a private place with our dom / master / mistress. everything from how we dress, how we speak, how we view ourselves is totally different. our different behaviour becomes our different personalities almost.

i think to be a sub / dom, we must be comfortable with the two personalities / behaviours, can comfortably move from one into the other, to know when to and how to, and still be sure of and happy with who and what we are, and that, i believe, is when a sub truly emraces BDSM as a lifestyle choice.

i am still exploring my own submissive nature, and the more i ask myself these types of questions and try and answer them myself, the more confident i become and grow to have not only a better understanding of myself but of what BDSM means to me. i think theese questions are important to ask ourselves and i thank you for allowing me to share my opinions on the subject with you, and indeed, i hope they might make some sense!

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 98

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/17/2006 8:23:40 AM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

Very well said. And welcome to the forums.

(in reply to naughtygirly)

Post #: 99

RE: personality vs. being dominant/submissive - 6/17/2006 1:28:55 PM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

does personality affect whether a person is dominant or submissive? Meaning if a person is naturally outgoing with they automatically think they are dominant, and vice versa?

No.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 100

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