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Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 3:04:40 PM   
pidepiper7


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/25/2012
Status: offline 		I have some sincere questions for folks here ...

I'm a non-BDSM male who has recently started dating a totally awesome woman. I'm totally smitten like I've not been in a long time. I really like her. Really.

The thing is, she told me this weekend she's into SM and would like to "play". She surprised me by grabbing my hair and holding me in a "submissive" hold. It was only "play" and she quickly let go. She told me she prefers being submissive but will "switch". She has masochistic tendencies.

What she doesn't know and what I've not told her yet is that I was physically (not sexually) abused. I was a wild kid and my father believed in harsh physical punishment and he took it too far often. I never relented and stayed wild and took whatever he dished out until the age of 15 when I was big enough to put an end to it. I moved a lot and as the new kid I met my share of dominant males (bullies) at the new schools. I never tolerated them. There was invariably bloody fistfights until the dominant males (dominant in their mind only) all knew to leave me the f#@k alone. I WILL not EVER allow anyone to ever physically dominate me. NEVER. I'd literally rather die.

So that's my attitude towards being a submissive. If you want to pull that crap on me you better be prepared to take it to a final conclusion.

On the flip side, I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around the idea that someone would voluntarily put themselves in this position. And I sure as hell have no intention of doing this to someone else even as "play". I HATED being in this position. Why on earth would I become what I HATE? Although, to a certain extent I do understand sadism because I always enjoyed pounding on the class "bully" until he submitted.

So that's my dilemma. I won't tolerate being abused in any context and I won't mete it out in any context except for some dumbass who wants to be aggressive towards me.

So SM is not somewhere I can personally go. EVER.

Is SM so important to people who enjoy it that she won't be able to live without it? Do I tell her to hit the road now? I really want to work it out because like I said she's awesome. Will she be unable to accept my past abuse and what this has done to me? Or is this SM stuff something SM people can't live without?
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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 3:09:13 PM   
Tanguerox


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline 		In my experience, if she can't get it from you, she'll find it with someone else...

(in reply to pidepiper7)
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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 3:10:13 PM   
Tanguerox


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline 		Meaning, even if you're in a relationship, she'll be drawn to someone else later.

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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 3:24:45 PM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		Hi and welcome.

There's no one right answer. For SOME people, it's essential. For others it isn't. We're all different.

Sooooooo......

Talk to her about it. If you need counselling and/or therapy about what's happened in your past, get it. How you and she interact is far more important than what some random guy on the web thinks - even if that guy is me... I reserve the right to be wrong.

If you love her, and you want her, tell her so. If that's enough for you both, it'll be fine - just like any other issue you face together. Good luck!


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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 3:42:42 PM   
RahvinDom


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/31/2012
Status: offline 		"Dominant" != "bully." Just saying...it seems you have some preconceptions that aren't particularly accurate. You don't have to "become what you hate" to dominate your girlfriend.

But the answer to your dilemma is mostly to just talk with her. Find out what it is, specifically, that she wants and needs, decide what you're capable of giving her, and decide your future accordingly. I'd advise that you open up your definition of BDSM and specifically SM play. Some of us play pretty hard, but a healthy relationship will not contain abise...and that includes healthy relationships that include heavy BDSM. Abusers, in fact, generally make very shitty Dominants...because they're shitty human beings.

Have you ever done any hair pulling or spanking during sex? Do you prefer the role of the "aggressor" when dating, being the one who tends to initiate things like kissing or sex? Do you like to be the one who is generally steering the relationship, even as that includes making sure your significant other is happy and satisfied?

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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 3:43:45 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Hey there, welcome to the boards. Yeah, I'm sorry but none of us probably knows the answer to your question. Whether you and she can put aside your preferences and make things work is really only something the two of you know. You need to sit her down and talk this through. She might suggest something that you'd like to try in the bedroom and the two of you can find common ground that way. She might say it's not that important to her, or that she can't live without it.

This situation is as varied as the human beings involved. I've posted on threads like this in the past by saying I could live happily without kink if I loved the man I was with. Others posted on the same thread saying that they needed to have the kink in their lives and would have to leave a non-kinky life behind. I've certainly seen many newcomers stop in to write an introduction saying that they tried giving kink up and couldn't do it in the end.
See what she says. Good luck with things...

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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 3:45:39 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		How vital it is varies from person to person, only she can answer that for you.

As for understanding submission, in reality "submission" is not abuse to the submissive, it is liberating. A masochist does not have the same response to pain as someone who isn't and in most psychologically healthy people, submitting is a liberation and a pursuit of sensations pleasurable to them in some way.

There is always the option of letting her have her SM fun elsewhere, it's down to st this point how the two of you work things out.

(in reply to Whenready)
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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 3:50:53 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RahvinDom

"Dominant" != "bully." Just saying...it seems you have some preconceptions that aren't particularly accurate. You don't have to "become what you hate" to dominate your girlfriend.

But the answer to your dilemma is mostly to just talk with her. Find out what it is, specifically, that she wants and needs, decide what you're capable of giving her, and decide your future accordingly. I'd advise that you open up your definition of BDSM and specifically SM play. Some of us play pretty hard, but a healthy relationship will not contain abise...and that includes healthy relationships that include heavy BDSM. Abusers, in fact, generally make very shitty Dominants...because they're shitty human beings.

Have you ever done any hair pulling or spanking during sex? Do you prefer the role of the "aggressor" when dating, being the one who tends to initiate things like kissing or sex? Do you like to be the one who is generally steering the relationship, even as that includes making sure your significant other is happy and satisfied?


Are you saying here that Dominant does NOT equal bully? I think that's what you're saying.

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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 4:14:06 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I've been in both abusive and D/s relationships and for me they are worlds apart. In fact, there's something cathartic about using a safeword and having things STOP.

I'm bored by vanilla sex. I like the rush I get when the endorphins start flowing. I wouldn't be happy if my sex life did not include kink.

However, sometimes when I watch other people play, my brain has a hard time seeing it as consensual rather than interpreting it as abusive.

I think your gf did a piss-poor job introducing the topic. Before I stopped dating vanilla guys, I would broach the subject by telling them I like having my hair pulled, and going from there. I'm not surprised she triggered something by springing it on you like that.

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(in reply to pidepiper7)
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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 4:27:20 PM   
RahvinDom


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/31/2012
Status: offline 		Yes, lizi. "!" means "not."

(in reply to lizi)
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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 4:28:40 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		I AM A BIG BULLY!


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530 DAYS

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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 4:33:11 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Yes, lizi. "!" means "not."


I'm used to seeing "/", i.e., Dom /= Bully

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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 4:34:19 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		Well, in all honesty, you are wired the way you are wired, and she is wired the way she is wired.

I would spend some time discussing with her to truly determine if you are each wired the way you have described to us. I do understand that your past may make it impossible to completely embrace S&M as a purely enjoyable thing - and that is personal to you, and I think only you can answer how you feel about it. The fact that others can do this, or that abuse is not the same as BDSM, etc., will still not answer for you whether this is something you feel like doing.

But ultimately, people are wired for this or not. And if they are wired for it, they will eventually seek it out to satisfy needs they have.

And if they are not wired for it, they might be able to do it for a little while to please a partner, but they will never be able to sustain it long-term.



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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 4:42:15 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		May I suggest the book "When Someone You Love is Kinky". Talk to her and find out just how important the kink is to her. Is it truly a deal breaker for her? Could she be satisfied in a vanilla relationship with you? If she can't give up the kink and you don't want to give each other up, perhaps you could open it up to her being topped (not dommed) and that would satisfy?

Good luck.

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No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 4:43:33 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		Is SM so important to people who enjoy it that she won't be able to live without it?

depends on the person. Not a yes or no answer.


Do I tell her to hit the road now? I really want to work it out because like I said she's awesome.

If thats what she wants and not what you want -then you two are not sexually compatible. Just to let you know, thats a pretty big part of an intimate relationship. From what I understand, when two people arnt sexually compatible - the relationship usually fails.


Will she be unable to accept my past abuse and what this has done to me?

I have no idea. Never met the woman.

Or is this SM stuff something SM people can't live without?

Some people can, some people cant.


By the way - your questions are highly subjective. With that said, not sure what answers youre expecting. No ones answers is going to help you - because none of us are in your relationship.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 5:10:54 PM   
Titaniya


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/9/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RahvinDom

"Dominant" =/= "bully." Just saying...it seems you have some preconceptions that aren't particularly accurate. You don't have to "become what you hate" to dominate your girlfriend.

But the answer to your dilemma is mostly to just talk with her. Find out what it is, specifically, that she wants and needs, decide what you're capable of giving her, and decide your future accordingly. I'd advise that you open up your definition of BDSM and specifically SM play. Some of us play pretty hard, but a healthy relationship will not contain abise...and that includes healthy relationships that include heavy BDSM. Abusers, in fact, generally make very shitty Dominants...because they're shitty human beings.

Have you ever done any hair pulling or spanking during sex? Do you prefer the role of the "aggressor" when dating, being the one who tends to initiate things like kissing or sex? Do you like to be the one who is generally steering the relationship, even as that includes making sure your significant other is happy and satisfied?


This.

I'm dating a (mostly) vanilla boy and have been for about 3.5 years now. He knows about my proclivities. I know that he's not remotely interested in most of them. This isn't a dealbreaker at all. Part of it is that we're poly - I can go find someone else to love and "play" with if I want to - but I personally don't need it in my relationships to be happy.

Without other relationships, I'd probably have requested permission to non-sexually "play" with people within my community. There's always that option to discuss as well - if she needs BDSM to be happy, does she need it with you? If not, can she find another outlet for kink, if not for kinky sex?

There's also the option of finding a kink-friendly counselor and trying to work through your past... It's not a bad idea, but I'm not convinced it'll work, simply because you come off as SO opposed to the idea. Then again, they'd know better than I, and they might have some various ways for the two of you to work together on the issue.

(in reply to RahvinDom)
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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 5:18:38 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pidepiper7
Is SM so important to people who enjoy it that she won't be able to live without it


Oh, I suspect most people, even if they enjoy it, can live without it. Ask her whether or not she can thrive without it. Can you thrive within it?

Find your line.. find hers. Go from there.

Good luck.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 5:33:57 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

If she can't give up the kink and you don't want to give each other up, perhaps you could open it up to her being topped (not dommed) and that would satisfy?


quote:

ORIGINAL: Titaniya

Without other relationships, I'd probably have requested permission to non-sexually "play" with people within my community. There's always that option to discuss as well - if she needs BDSM to be happy, does she need it with you? If not, can she find another outlet for kink, if not for kinky sex?


While I have suggested opening up the relationship to non-sexual play for other situations, I can't imagine a vanilla guy with a history of abuse being able to tolerate seeing bruises on his gf. Hell, I had a platonic gf get upset because I was getting bruises from boxing lessons with my FWB.

(Yes, I realize I am coming from an impact-centric position, but that's how I roll.)

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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 5:37:26 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RahvinDom

Yes, lizi. "!" means "not."


Thank you. Here's your other post as I'd like to reply to it.

quote:


"Dominant" != "bully." Just saying...it seems you have some preconceptions that aren't particularly accurate. You don't have to "become what you hate" to dominate your girlfriend.

But the answer to your dilemma is mostly to just talk with her. Find out what it is, specifically, that she wants and needs, decide what you're capable of giving her, and decide your future accordingly. I'd advise that you open up your definition of BDSM and specifically SM play. Some of us play pretty hard, but a healthy relationship will not contain abise...and that includes healthy relationships that include heavy BDSM. Abusers, in fact, generally make very shitty Dominants...because they're shitty human beings.

Have you ever done any hair pulling or spanking during sex? Do you prefer the role of the "aggressor" when dating, being the one who tends to initiate things like kissing or sex? Do you like to be the one who is generally steering the relationship, even as that includes making sure your significant other is happy and satisfied?


OP, Dominant does not necessarily equal bully. BDSM is flavored differently with the people involved. Domination can be many things, as it was pointed out in the above post that I quoted, it doesn't have to be at all what you hate.

For instance, my Dominant and I have a very loving, affectionate relationship. He certainly does not abuse or bully me. We get going pretty rough in the bedroom because we like it. The base of our relationship is that he's in charge and I follow. I call what we have Dominance and submission, maybe someone else wouldn't. I don't give a rip what someone else thinks. We don't go around in leather with him leading me on a leash and pulling my hair publicly. We have a normal life and share tons of activities together. We go kayaking, we ride bikes. We are just normal everyday people who have taken on certain roles in each other's lives that work for us and we get crazy in private. No abuse here, he's the most polite and soft spoken man you might meet, not a bully in any way. He sings love songs to me on the phone and leaves me mushy notes. For me I love the contrast between the hard and soft parts of his personality.

You might be surprised what you may find with your girlfriend. I'd urge you to keep an open mind when the two of you do talk and try out some small things with her that may work out wonderfully for the two of you. You never know. Of course she should respect your feelings and will need to know what is abhorrent to you so it never happens - there are other things. You'd be surprised.

(in reply to RahvinDom)
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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 9/25/2012 5:38:21 PM   
pidepiper7


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/25/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks to all of you who have responded. You've given me a lot to think about.

And please understand that I do understand that it can be play for some people. It's just that my reactions to people striking me (or pulling my hair) are well-established and visceral. I feel rage. That's just my deal.

< Message edited by pidepiper7 -- 9/25/2012 5:46:13 PM >

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