quote:

ORIGINAL: pidepiper7

Thanks to all of you who have responded. You've given me a lot to think about.

And please understand that I do understand that it can be "play" for some people. It's just that my reactions to people striking me (or pulling my hair) are well-established and visceral. I feel rage. That's just my deal.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pidepiper7

I have some sincere questions for folks here ...

I'm a non-BDSM male who has recently started dating a totally awesome woman. I'm totally smitten like I've not been in a long time. I really like her. Really.

The thing is, she told me this weekend she's into SM and would like to "play". She surprised me by grabbing my hair and holding me in a "submissive" hold. It was only "play" and she quickly let go. She told me she prefers being submissive but will "switch". She has masochistic tendencies.

What she doesn't know and what I've not told her yet is that I was physically (not sexually) abused. I was a wild kid and my father believed in harsh physical punishment and he took it too far often. I never relented and stayed wild and took whatever he dished out until the age of 15 when I was big enough to put an end to it. I moved a lot and as the new kid I met my share of dominant males (bullies) at the new schools. I never tolerated them. There was invariably bloody fistfights until the dominant males (dominant in their mind only) all knew to leave me the f#@k alone. I WILL not EVER allow anyone to ever physically dominate me. NEVER. I'd literally rather die.

So that's my attitude towards being a submissive. If you want to pull that crap on me you better be prepared to take it to a final conclusion.

On the flip side, I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around the idea that someone would voluntarily put themselves in this position. And I sure as hell have no intention of doing this to someone else even as "play". I HATED being in this position. Why on earth would I become what I HATE? Although, to a certain extent I do understand sadism because I always enjoyed pounding on the class "bully" until he submitted.

So that's my dilemma. I won't tolerate being abused in any context and I won't mete it out in any context except for some dumbass who wants to be aggressive towards me.

So SM is not somewhere I can personally go. EVER.

Is SM so important to people who enjoy it that she won't be able to live without it? Do I tell her to hit the road now? I really want to work it out because like I said she's awesome. Will she be unable to accept my past abuse and what this has done to me? Or is this SM stuff something SM people can't live without?

quote:

ORIGINAL: pidepiper7

Thanks to all of you who have responded. You've given me a lot to think about.

And please understand that I do understand that it can be play for some people. It's just that my reactions to people striking me (or pulling my hair) are well-established and visceral. I feel rage. That's just my deal.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pidepiper7

I have some sincere questions for folks here ...

I'm a non-BDSM male who has recently started dating a totally awesome woman. I'm totally smitten like I've not been in a long time. I really like her. Really.

The thing is, she told me this weekend she's into SM and would like to "play". She surprised me by grabbing my hair and holding me in a "submissive" hold. It was only "play" and she quickly let go. She told me she prefers being submissive but will "switch". She has masochistic tendencies.

What she doesn't know and what I've not told her yet is that I was physically (not sexually) abused. I was a wild kid and my father believed in harsh physical punishment and he took it too far often. I never relented and stayed wild and took whatever he dished out until the age of 15 when I was big enough to put an end to it. I moved a lot and as the new kid I met my share of dominant males (bullies) at the new schools. I never tolerated them. There was invariably bloody fistfights until the dominant males (dominant in their mind only) all knew to leave me the f#@k alone. I WILL not EVER allow anyone to ever physically dominate me. NEVER. I'd literally rather die.

So that's my attitude towards being a submissive. If you want to pull that crap on me you better be prepared to take it to a final conclusion.

On the flip side, I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around the idea that someone would voluntarily put themselves in this position. And I sure as hell have no intention of doing this to someone else even as "play". I HATED being in this position. Why on earth would I become what I HATE? Although, to a certain extent I do understand sadism because I always enjoyed pounding on the class "bully" until he submitted.

So that's my dilemma. I won't tolerate being abused in any context and I won't mete it out in any context except for some dumbass who wants to be aggressive towards me.

So SM is not somewhere I can personally go. EVER.

Is SM so important to people who enjoy it that she won't be able to live without it? Do I tell her to hit the road now? I really want to work it out because like I said she's awesome. Will she be unable to accept my past abuse and what this has done to me? Or is this SM stuff something SM people can't live without?

quote:

For someone who has zero interest in SM play. You sure found this site easily.

Ignoring that. If your interests lie in different directions. Her being " hot" isn't going to negate mutual interests.

By the way, have you met in person or is this all pixels on a screen??

quote:

ORIGINAL: pidepiper7

quote:

For someone who has zero interest in SM play. You sure found this site easily.

Ignoring that. If your interests lie in different directions. Her being " hot" isn't going to negate mutual interests.

By the way, have you met in person or is this all pixels on a screen??

I was using Google. I found the site from here: http://www.quora.com/How-do-I-overcome-my-sexual-masochism and was referred to this forum as a good source of info. I'm honestly trying to understand this.

I was curious about how committed are practitioners to SM and whether it is a core part of someone's identity or not. And of course I've met her. She's awesome and I don't want to give her up.

quote:

And please understand that I do understand that it can be play for some people. It's just that my reactions to people striking me (or pulling my hair) are well-established and visceral. I feel rage. That's just my deal.

quote:

By the way, have you met in person or is this all pixels on a screen??

quote:

She surprised me by grabbing my hair and holding me in a "submissive" hold. It was only "play" and she quickly let go.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pidepiper7

So what happens if I agree to play the role of Dominant and then I tell her she must act as my equal and I forbid her from seeking or expecting punishment?

quote:

ORIGINAL: pidepiper7

I thought it was about bondage and control with punishments for disobedience? One person exerting his or her will over another. One dominates the other submits. My wish is your command kind of thing ... They may be equal in the sense of being two sides of the same coin but they are not the same surely. So if you are really into it, and the role of the submissive is to submit and you are told to play neither the role of a dominant or submissive but something in between, why not "play" along? Isn't being submissive what it's all about? What am I missing? Still just trying to understand this ....

Besides, all of life is role play. There's nothing different about BDSM from any other type of relationship in this regard. And in fact, every "vanilla" relationship I've ever seen is also about control and control games. No different really as far as I can see. You can even find asshole fathers to beat sons, redneck men to beat wives .... Its all there.


But Real freedom is always the places "in between", the places that can't be categorized. Between feminine and masculine, between dominant and submissive, between pain and pleasure, etc etc. It terrifies the hell out of everyone, so we all run and hide in the safety and security of our roles and imagined identities. Something to cling to ...

A real Master wouldn't let you off so easy ... ;) and I suspect the BDSM community would be as uncomfortable about exploring these boundary-less regions as any other self-identified group.

If you really want to give up control it seems you need to give up domination and submission. Give it ALL up if you dare. That's genuine submission. That would actually be something different.

I'm not sure what BDSM is .... But it doesn't actually seem to have anything to do with submission ... and nobody seems to actually be in control ... so what is it? I've been trolling tese forums trying to figure it out...

quote:

I suspect this ain't your first time at the rodeo. I don't know what your motive here is but I'm not buying what you're trying to sell, so I'm out.