Aswad
Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: pidepiper7
So what happens if I agree to play the role of Dominant and then I tell her she must act as my equal and I forbid her from seeking or expecting punishment?
Presumably, she will give you an exhasperated look, roll her eyes or frown, then proceed to explain that she isn't a game to be played on technicalities, but rather a human being telling you what she wants and wondering if you can provide it. You can't, I assume, by what you have written so far. Do yourselves a favor by not trying, either. It will only waste time and not end well.
I suggest forgetting what you think you know. It will not assist you in understanding her, nor in understanding her desires. If you're able to handle seeing her with someone else, go with her to an event or gathering. Find someone you both connect well with on a social level, that's willing to let you watch her interacting in the manner she desires (there doesn't need to be any sex involved). That will give you all the information you need to understand more about what she wants, decide whether you can provide it, and decide whether you can deal with her getting it elsewhere.
If you can't provide it and can't deal with her getting it elsewhere, then she needs to decide if she can do without. Most likely, she will say she can do without, but people rarely make a good self-assessment as to the long term viability of living in a relationship where one or more desires are not being met. If she is willing to have a go at living without the kink, you have to decide if you're willing to invest the time and effort in a relationship that may fail through no fault of either party.
For some, this will be like saying "I won't go down on you".
For others, it will be more like "no kissing" or "no sex".
For a few, it goes along the lines of "no love".
You've seen anger, sadism and violence doing bad things. It's unlikely, but possible, that you'll be able to see them doing good things (but not anger, I think; that one is rarely productive to anyone). It's highly probable that some form of therapy will be necessary to reframe a lot of negative past experiences in a manner that allows you to understand how she sees things. Understanding, however, is only needed (in the strictest sense of "need") if you're going to be providing these things yourself. Otherwise, it is sufficient to understand that there's something she enjoys that you don't get.
Note that she probably doesn't have sufficient experience to guide you.
A lot of women enjoy a rough tumble with a man they like. The same behavior from a stranger is rape, and not enjoyable in the least. It comes down to context, the people involved, and the chemistry between them. I've seen both. I would not confuse the two. And I know, from experience, that if the chemistry and context are just right, with the right person, the less of a difference in behavior there is, the better both will like it. Because there's something underlying there that makes all the difference. It's conveyed in body language and built up in the mind. And the woman will never confuse the two, even when it's at the point where an outside observer might.
For one thing, fear and arousal are usually not able to coexist in the mind. When my love whimpers and tries to push me away, I know it is her letting go enough to be "in the moment" and respond as if there were real coercion as I shove her into the pillow and keep going. I know she feels safe with me. I know she gets excited by the feral intensity of the act. But I also know that if I were to do the same thing with a random stranger on the first date, that person would be freaking out and would genuinely want to stop. Not stopping would, in that case, make it rape. The difference in context and chemistry is what makes it something else with my love, something that leaves her wet and eventually moaning with pleasure.
She wouldn't respond that way to just anyone. Nor to just any dominant, for that matter. We have a history, a chemistry, a relationship. That is what allows me to bring something into this that would be negative in another context, and turn it into something positive. Just as a baseball bat will be something negative in a physical altercation, but something positive in a baseball game. I can imagine someone that has been beaten with a baseball bat would find it hard to take up baseball, and even more so if they don't find the game itself entertaining in any way.
That's sort of where you're at: you don't like the game, and you hate the stuff used to play it, but your girlfriend really likes baseball. And now you've just had an argument with baseball fans about how you know the real use for baseball bats and what all sports are really about, leaving the baseball fans somewhat perplexed and less than impressed, at which point you say you've learned all there is to know about baseball and leave. I'm thinking there's a lot of room for improvement in both aspects of this situation.
You may consider this post an attempt in that direction, if you wish.
Best of luck to you both, in any case.
I wish you well,
— Aswad.
_____________________________
"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.
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RE: Non-BDSM man with SM girlfriend - 
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