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RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/15/2012 3:59:50 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I played with my first dom without penetrative sex - ever. He had ED, but our relationship was one of the most sexual i have ever had, and it was 24/7. So for me, getting strapped would be a sexual experience, no doubt about it.

and like a couple of other posters - play for me isn't a casual thing. Its in a long term relationship, or with someone i am considering for a long term relationship. Just like sex.

(in reply to RumpusParable)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/15/2012 9:40:23 AM   
ClassAct2006


Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		And the same for me too.
It has never been just about what is done in bed but the overall D/s relationship even just fetching something for him, when there is a him, has at its heart a sexual relationship.

If I was getting to a know a potential man and he said by the way there will be no sex that would be an iissue for me. If he said sometimes I have trouble getting erections - okay that's something that can be worked on and not so bad. If he said I cannot ever get hard or some that would certainly put me off. If he said I am pretty asexual or always tired (usually because they are obese of course) so sex once a month and you'llbe lucky I would think that is not what I am after. it is not that I have to have it every day (and I have never actually had a relationship where I can refuse sex and that's fine, I don't want to be giving consents every time) but it needs to be there reasonably often.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

This is based on sex for me, but it has to be with someone I really care about and who cares about me.

I would never participate in any BDSM or D/s without sex, so obviously I am not a casual player.

Being sexually submissive is my thing. When people talk about service aspects, if I am in a relationship, that would be just what I would do anyway, helping my partner and making his life easier; but I would never be like the woman the OP describes, where she needed the pain and control, but not sex.

For me, I could not take the sex out of the equation, or else I would not be involved in it.


Exactly this.

quote:

the people that view D/s or M/s to be purely sexual aren't Domiants, or submissives or Masters or slaves because there's no power exchange outside of the bedroom.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/15/2012 10:41:01 AM   
DNAHelicase


Posts: 115
Joined: 7/5/2012
Status: offline 		When I started out as a dumb newbie, I thought that sex and BDSM were inextricably linked. I really didn't know about power exchange relationships or the huge variety of ways people could engage in either SM or PE. So in the beginning, I explored with people who incorporated a lot of sex into the SM play. As I learned more about the ways things can be done, I realized that the sexual component just doesn't interest me so much. I get off mentally and physically on the SM play itself. A good SM session is more satisfying to me than a good shag (and I've had some fan-damn-tastic ones) and I think it's taken the place of sex in most ways for me--I fantasize about SM, I get wet from hurting people (or being hurt if I'm in the right mood), I have orgasms from it, and I get all the good high feelings that I get from sex when I do an SM scene but usually more intensified. I make it clear to anybody I speak to about topping them or entering into a d/s relationship with them that sex is not a realistic expectation. It is a possibility if we develop a solid, trusting relationship and if we both want it in our scenes occasionally, but it is by no means a given and if we have sex at all I'm particular about the way we do it (e.g., I might be willing to peg somebody with a strap on once in a while, but unwilling to have PIV sex with him ever). Though I will say that in a d/s relationship, probably the only way I would have sex with a sub is as part of a scene...I'm just not interested in sex enough that I would want it any other time or way. Vanilla foreplay does jack squat for me. Sex in general bores me more and more.

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/15/2012 11:44:13 AM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline 		FR

Not adding anything here that has not already been said, but the short answer is yes, it is possible to keep them separate. I don't really view BDSM as necessarily including sex, although, of course, it can. It all depends on the nature of the relationship between the two people involved, or even within a sexual relationship, it can depend on the specific dynamic at a particular moment in time (there is no such thing as actually having intercourse 24/7, even though I'm sure people have fantasized about it). My point is simply that you can either have a session/scene/moment that involves things like service, s&m, etc., that is not about sex. You can also have all the non-sexual times of a relationship that can still involve a D/s dynamic - even having a meal together can have elements of D/s that have nothing to do with sex, but with role.

Anyway, have experienced the whole range as a female submissive. And have done so with both female Dominants and male Dominants. So I don't view this as related to role, gender, sexual orientation, or any such thing. The simple answer is again, yes.

So, I realize, that for the original poster maybe it is not intuitive that they could be separate, but I suppose you might want to ask yourself why you think they "have" to go together? Did this idea come from porn? Or from more realistic source? Just wondering out loud here......

_____________________________

~ ftp

(in reply to DNAHelicase)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/15/2012 12:13:28 PM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus

A female friend wrote to me telling me how she enjoyed being spanked, and being shown off, particularly to strangers who would view her red stripes with interest ... yet ... she was wholly uninterested in sex.


I think there is a lot more to sex than just the physical. Perhaps some who are anxious about or dislike the physical side of sex are more drawn to a lifestyle that allows them to explore the psycho sexual side of their personality... in that way they can explore their sexuality from a safe place. The differences and interactions between the sexual mind and the sexual body are super complex. Too complex to differentiate (in my opinion) with a few sentences -and I think most of us probably spend our whole lives trying to understand it. Some people say that D/s has nothing whatever to do with sex... I don't know if that is true, but if it is it strikes me as as having the possibility of being rather emotionally unhealthy.

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/15/2012 12:15:21 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BoundSlave4Life

Frankly, I would like to see an option here for "DS Status" that says "Kinkster", because in my personal opinion, the people that view D/s or M/s to be purely sexual aren't Domiants, or submissives or Masters or slaves because there's no power exchange outside of the bedroom.



The thing is Bound, there really is no 'true' definition of a submissive, slave, master, dominant and the same goes for D/s. Its only your definition which to someone else is incorrect because they do it differently than you do.
Now lets take me as an example... I'm dominant in nature and so is my husband. Of the two of us he is the more, shall we say, 'pernickety', more insistent about things being done right and being done 'NOW'. He's not particularly patient and he's absolutely intolerant of fools. When he talks I pay full attention to what he's saying. Yeah hard guy to live with if your not a submisive?!? wrong! As his wife and as someone who loves him and as someone who knows just how hard he works I am more than happy, in fact I am very happy to make sure his life runs as smoothly as silk. He wants for nothing. Our home is always clean, his dinner is always made and all the rest. I don't get turned on when I'm baking him his favorite chocolate cake and I don't get turned on when I'm scrubbing out the shower tray. I'm happy when he's happy and I'm very happy when I know its me that has made him happy. That has nothing to do with dominance and submission and all to do with having a healthy loving relationship. I don't need to be controlled because I have complete control of myself. I have my own rules and standards and I don't need to be dominated to want to please him.

What doesn't make this D/s? well for a start I don't get turned on by what I do for him. I don't do it because I believe he's in control of me and I don't do it because it makes me feel submissive. Those three things imo are the three things that make what you do D/s and makes what I do not D/s.

(in reply to BoundSlave4Life)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/15/2012 1:59:03 PM   
SirLangsdorff


Posts: 289
Joined: 12/12/2010
Status: offline 		Let me start out by saying that however anyone chooses to live their lifestyle, is totally up to them and I have no issues with because it works for them. Everything after that is My opinion and doesn't necessarily reflect anyone's view but mine. With that said, other than sexual relations being part of any healthy relationship, I don't see where it is "part" of a M/s or D/s relationship. Nothing turns me off more than to be talking to someone and I am told "I have experience because I know how to suck a dick" or "I've been fucked before". Sex as a primary skill for D/s or M/s is my #1 pet peeve and it's everywhere. I have more I would like to do than have someone foaming at the mouth for my tally-whacker. That's all I'm saying before I say too much.

_____________________________

And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, To love mercy, And to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8

I'm nice if you are.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/13559888/master-intro

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/15/2012 8:17:55 PM   
descrite


Posts: 459
Joined: 5/14/2012
Status: offline
quote:

He had ED, but our relationship was one of the most sexual i have ever had, and it was 24/7.


I'm really sorry for the thread drift, but am I the only one who originally read this as "emotional disability"?

I did get lulz.

And then corrected myself, with the actual, in-context meaning.

And now, back to your regularly-scheduled program.

(in reply to SirLangsdorff)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/15/2012 8:32:18 PM   
KaiKai


Posts: 22
Joined: 10/15/2012
Status: offline 		I'm somewhat similar. Sex doesn't get me off. Sex is boring.
I'd rather have the shit beat out of me lmao

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/16/2012 4:39:42 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		It's not sex unless there are red marks on her bottom!

(in reply to KaiKai)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/17/2012 9:24:12 AM   
Adair


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/16/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

I think there is a lot more to sex than just the physical...



I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

And some people just conduct their lives differently. Whatever works for them is what they love doing and sometimes it doesn't include physical arousal..quite understandable.

And then you have people similar to me. If I could include sex in every aspect of my life I would.

(in reply to Bhruic)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/17/2012 1:14:18 PM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BoundSlave4Life


[Frankly, I would like to see an option here for "DS Status" that says "Kinkster", because in my personal opinion, the people that view D/s or M/s to be purely sexual aren't Domiants, or submissives or Masters or slaves because there's no power exchange outside of the bedroom.


Your personal opinion is completely irellevant to anyone elses dynamic. AND you have no business trying to dictate someone elses D/s identifyer just because you do it differently.

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to BoundSlave4Life)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/17/2012 1:45:39 PM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline 		Now on to really answering the OP's question ;)

Mr and I live a very sexually charged D/s lifestyle. That is mainly because He really fucking turns me on. He can be beating my ass and causing me all kinds of uncomfortableness and there is still at some point probably going to be some form of sex during a session. But not neccessarily every time. Recently Mr spent almost 2 hours with me over His lap, that spanking did not in fact get me charged, it was more like a long massage...with a considerable amount of heat hehe. All I wanted to do when He was done spanking me was float away in my head and fall asleep. For the two of us however that session was the exception rather than the norm.
As far as the 24/7 aspect of it, He is always in charge. There is nothing turning me on of course when I am doing the every day things that as His submissive I do to keep Him happy but have nothing to do with sex (laundry, cleaning, cooking etc) But those thiings could also be attributed to the fact that I am His wife and He is my husband and my jobs and roles are just what they are because that's what we decided together they were going to be a long time ago even before the D/s was involved. Now that the D/s portion of it IS involved I do the same things for Him, for more (but not different) reasons than I did before if that makes any sense whatsoever. I don't scrub floors with a buttplug in, but He may tell me I'm a good girl and fuck my face or whip my ass when I'm done.

If however I were to bottom to another man, there would be no sexual charge at all. I do enjoy bottoming just for the sake of the pain involved and am fully capable of immersing myself in a session without getting turned on by it and still coming away feeling fulfilled from it.
Women for me are a different story. I am attracted to women so chances are, scening with another woman is also going to be charged with sexuality as well, just like with Mr.

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to Lucifyre)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/17/2012 4:03:33 PM   
Titaniya


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/9/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


So you and your sub get down and fight the fight together? because that is the only way you can really compare martial arts with S&M. If your sub just takes it like a good boy/girl then you can hardly compare it with some sparring you have done down at the gym.


Eh... I disagree. I really think it depends on how you approach giving pain/exerting force.

I'm also a martial artist. I haven't done a whole lot of sparring, but there's a rush if I hit someone/lock someone's joints up/etc regardless of whether they're resisting or whether they're just letting me practice on them that's pretty similar to the rush I get when I hit people at parties. Either way, I'm exerting force, and either way, it's hot. The head space is a little bit different if it's a back-and-forth, but it's not that far off... and even the back-and-forth is pretty similar to power struggles in the bedroom for me.

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/19/2012 1:16:47 PM   
Bhruic


Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BoundSlave4Life


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

%2 in time or %2 in importance?



Frankly, I would like to see an option here for "DS Status" that says "Kinkster", because in my personal opinion, the people that view D/s or M/s to be purely sexual aren't Domiants, or submissives or Masters or slaves because there's no power exchange outside of the bedroom.



I'd have to disagree with this statement. "Something that happens in the bedroom" is a pretty narrow definition of sex. My sub enjoys being controlled 24/7, and I enjoy asserting that control (to varying degrees obviously)... and when I am actively controlling her, no matter where we are and no matter how minor the control issue is, its sexual. Just giving her a disapproving look in public if she is doing something I disapprove of, makes her wet. If it didn't, I'd just be being a control freak jerk, and she would bristle at it.

Maybe that's just us, but at any rate "Sex... its not just for the bedroom anymore!"

(in reply to BoundSlave4Life)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/19/2012 4:17:56 PM   
AVegasMaster


Posts: 119
Joined: 8/2/2010
Status: offline 		True, pure BDSM does not have to always be about sex.

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/20/2012 5:06:55 PM   
absurdkitties


Posts: 18
Joined: 10/20/2012
Status: offline 		You've never heard of a service only sub? :? There are many kinds of domination... Financial, service only, the list continues.

_____________________________

-Message left for you by your friendly neighborhood bored Domme!

"Make an interesting and unique experience with your work, and people will want to come to be a part of it. The rest will just happen naturally." -Joel Zimmerman

(in reply to Pyramus)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/20/2012 6:30:20 PM   
Failanex


Posts: 14
Joined: 10/17/2012
From: The Greater Los Angeles / Las Vegas
Status: offline 		Wiki Says this,.

A fetish (derived from the French fétiche; which comes from the Portuguese feitiço; and this in turn from Latin facticius, "artificial" and facere, "to make") is an object believed to have supernatural powers, or in particular, a man-made object that has power over others. Essentially, fetishism is the emic attribution of inherent value or powers to an object.

Me Says this,.

While the inflections of said session or condition create a sensual stimulus that causes the temple to respond in both positive and negative ways the action of affection is applied by non physical means,. IE: binding,.. or the separation of cloth and hand with a good spank for say while the application varies. The actions of fetish dictate sexual arousal without doubt it's something that needs not physical constant or skin to skin contact more less -or- monitored constant of physical intention by a third party,. Self bondage is a good example of this . Open displays of fetish like behaviours can also be displayed by non physical means such as sex,. Generally the act of sex while it can be applied to said condition in my opinion has very little to do with the condition and more to do with the personal endeavours of the party in question. Affection, Sensuality, Patience, and Imaginative condition are what create the passion of the procedure or act there of in my personal opinion.

In a nut shell, be prepared for blue balls,.



(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/21/2012 5:13:13 AM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		Wow, its been a long time since I posted, what good times there were.

Ontopic. I love how people try to make every single thing on earth to do with the lifestyle.

"I spanked my partner while doing it doggy style" She must be into bdsm. Um no. Some girls just like this. The difference between sex and ds play is ds play is usually talked about and it will be known someone will be topping the other. I have started sex where I have been on top and at the end, the girl is on top controlling everything. Other times its straight into doggystyle. Does this mean they are submitting? No, it just means were doing different styles of sex.

(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex fro... - 10/25/2012 7:59:28 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Titaniya


quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB


So you and your sub get down and fight the fight together? because that is the only way you can really compare martial arts with S&M. If your sub just takes it like a good boy/girl then you can hardly compare it with some sparring you have done down at the gym.


Eh... I disagree. I really think it depends on how you approach giving pain/exerting force.

I'm also a martial artist. I haven't done a whole lot of sparring, but there's a rush if I hit someone/lock someone's joints up/etc regardless of whether they're resisting or whether they're just letting me practice on them that's pretty similar to the rush I get when I hit people at parties. Either way, I'm exerting force, and either way, it's hot. The head space is a little bit different if it's a back-and-forth, but it's not that far off...

Precisely.

(in reply to Titaniya)
Profile   Post #: 80
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