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RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 8:33:27 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Greetings -

A collar to some - is nothing more than something thats removable - for you, it is obviously alot more symbolic.

My impression is that this split is so fresh and new - you cannot let her go just yet. By your words alone, you hold onto the slim chance that she will come back to you. By trying to insist she keeps the collar, unconsciously I feel, it means she will keep a part of you - and maybe that seems incredibly important to you? Most people enjoy the impact they have on another persons life - you maybe desire that to be positive and that she knows you still care. By leaving the collar in her possession, you are keeping that door open to her - and that is a wonderful thing - but one day you will have to close it or a gust of wind will blow it shut when you open another -

The pain of seperation when you love, nurture and protect is intense - it isn't easy to hear that she isn't coming back. But by refusing to keep the collar, she is indicating she needs to be let go. And for your own sanity, you have to let her go so you can let the healing begin for yourself. These are just my simple thoughts.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to CmotDribbler)

Post #: 61

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 8:51:21 AM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

I feel much the same as you do about collars...

I don't give a formal collar easily, and when I do I am promising to love, protect and guide that person's heart forever if possible.

Several years ago I was having some long term difficulties with my alpha sub. We sat down, had a huge clearing of the air, and decided to try to work things out, paying special attention to some new ground rules we'd worked out. A few days later I had to go on a business trip and was gone for ten days. I called home to check in and handle family business, and got a friend who was staying with us for three days straight... Finally I began to get suspicious and I insisted on more information from the friend. The poor guy was scared shitless to be the one to tell me that my entire household had moved out.

Apparently, the alpha had told everyone that I was going to stay in Chicago indefinitely, and that I was, in effect leaving them all high and dry. I came directly home and discovered their collars on my desk and "evidence" on my computer that the alpha had been planning this for literally weeks.

I didn't know what to feel first. Sure, we'd been having problems, but I believed that he was interested in working things out. I would rather have seen him just go before I left town, than betray my trust. (I still feel pain, several years later, that he didn't believe me when I said I'd rather see him happy with someone else, than unhappy with me)

I also was faced with the possible loss of my beloved beta (beloved, certainly, since I married him several years ago ~smiles~). The alpha had convinced the beta that I'd abandoned him. Thank God it took thirty seconds on the phone when I called him at work to convince him that I'd done no such thing....~smiles~

I'll never forget the sight of those collars on my desk though... My cubby received a new collar when I got home. To me, the collar is only a symbol, but to he and I both, the idea of restoring that collar just didn't feel right... I presented him with a new collar and we've never looked back.

As for the Alpha's collar? It was destroyed (My tradition calls for that in cases of dishonor) and I haven't seen him in years...

Interesting that it still kinda hurts though... I don't love easily, but I also don't stop loving easily either, and I have resolved my heart to love the early times I had with him.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 62

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 9:08:43 AM

selenaMD

Posts: 56
Joined: 6/1/2006
Status: offline

to the OP,

selena went through the ending of a collar 2 years ago in which she found herself in the same situation as Your ex-sub is now. she wanted to return the collar to the Dom, and He refused it. if anything it made things worse between the two of us because it felt like He was not respecting the fact that to selena, the relationship was over. by making her keep the collar it felt as if He was trying to keep a hold over her. after many unsuccessful attempts to talk the issue through and resolve it in a manner that was agreeable to both parties, selena finally had the collar cut in half, half was returned to Him to to with what He wished and the other half she kept. selena though that might be a good compromise for you because it sounds as if you both likely wish to rememeber things about the relationship. although You are hurting really badly right now, remember that trying to force her to take the collar will likley only create a rift between the two of you. take some space and time and give her the same, *then* see if the two of you can come to a mutual agreement on how you both wish to commemmerate (sp?) the relationship.

selena{MD}
devoted property of Master Mark

(in reply to Calandra)

Post #: 63

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 9:17:48 AM

zumala

Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline

I've never had a collar or given one before, but I suppose there have been some vanilla-given objects that might be comparable. First, let me say that I'm sorry that you're both hurting. Eventually time and life moving forward will help to ease the pain. In the meantime, don't force the girl to take the collar. Let her go. She'll look back into her thoughts someday in the future and think better of you for that. I would suggest putting the collar safely away in a box. You can make it a nice box if you want to, if it will make you feel better about tucking it away. But do put it out of your sight for now. Then find something else to focus your attention on. Go jogging until you can't go any further. Go out with friends. Do something active. Whatever it takes to at least partially occupy your mind with something else.

Yes, you grieve. But you also need to bear in mind that you can't grieve forever, or you will lose your very life. No relationship is worth that kind of pain. So grieve, but don't let it completely freeze your life in place.

Best wishes.

zuma

(in reply to selenaMD)

Post #: 64

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 9:32:53 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear CmotDribbler, Ladies and Gentlemen;

First, I would like to say that life does throw individuals many curves and hazards, to which plays hard with one's emotions, mind, spirit and also physical.

The only thing you really can control is yourself. The hurt and the sting is yours to handle, as there are no white knights. So, you have to be your own white knight.

But, pain is pain and you must mourn on your own terms, in your own way. Perhaps the collar can provide an inspiration for a ritual or ceremony to put a peaceful closure on the relationship just ended.

In my day, to which I still carry on the protocol, the dominant affixes the collar on a slave and removes it. A slave who removes the collar breaks protocol and disrespects the meaning of the collar as well as the relationship. By the standards I was taught and I practice, the collar is owned by me and is returned to me. I then have the right to return the collar to the slave as a gift/token of what was. I also have the right to destroy it. I usually chop it and burn it if leather. If it is chain, it is destroyed as never to be used again.

In my day, those who removed a collar of a slave that wasn't theirs, was considered a thief. They remove my collar and without my consent is considered an act of dishonor. Now, I will add, that any slave that would be enticed away by another dominant is no longer wanted and or trusted by me. So, I do curse the collar that is never returned.

As a dominant, I can tell you, no matter how the relationship ends, it will cause a vacuum in your heart, mind and soul. However, each slave and or submissive I interact with gives me many lessons and adds to my experience. I would never be the person I am, if it was not for the many hundreds of slaves and or submissives who taught me in their own way and, not always did they have an awareness they were teaching me. The same with horses and dogs I owned, trained and or interacted with. Life gives us many lessons.

Most of all--be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Be patient with yourself.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to CmotDribbler)

Post #: 65

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 9:47:00 AM

Kree

Posts: 118
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline

(fast reply)

The original question concerned the disposition of the collar. Sympathizing with him and/or beating him up does nothing but make him wonder what kind of world he has aspired to join. The situation is really quite simple:
A) Two people met and attempted to create a relationship
B) For whatever reason, one felt the relationship could not work and should end.
C) One person on earth knows WHY she felt that way for sure.
D) One other person wonders what happened and is trying to sort through the emotions and his future path.
E) Some on this board have asked questions that attempted to draw more information from him. Perhaps that was done to try to help him understand, or just perhaps, it was because some people are just nosy and want to intrude in other's lives. At this point, neither can do much for him... maybe later, but not now.
F) Those who want to create turmoil with accusations and/or overblown sympathy/empathy arent helping him. He must find that place inside that allows him to examine what HE alone knows and accept was has happened. Conjecture about her actions or his actions only muddy the waters by making him consider things that likely had nothing to do with the outcome.

Since few people have really addressed his question, I would like to try. Cmot, go and retrieve the collar. Do not leave it with her. Once you have it, destroy it. It has no meaning at this time and no reason to exist. If something should cause the two of you to begin anew, that collar has no place in the revitalization. It also has no place in any future use with someone else. Once the symbol that you respected so has been destroyed and discarded, you should have at least ONE of your questions fully answered. Resolving this in your mind is like eating an elephant... one bite at a time. This is my opinion of a possible solution. Perhaps someone has a better one. Flame me for my thoughts if you wish, but be smart enough to realize that I do indeed bite back.

I havent been posting here for long, but I have watched this site since it began. I do not care if there is an in-crowd, or for that matter, an out-crowd. I dont do crowds. I post what I feel is appropriate to a particular question or thread. If I step on a sacred cow, who cares, because I do not post things for attention or self aggrandizement.
Good luck Cmot... work YOUR way through this without allowing clouded posts and silly attacks to block your inner vision.

_____________________________

Author of "Nytewhispers"

Power whispers, it has no reason to yell

(in reply to zumala)

Post #: 66

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 11:24:45 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

General reply to all of those arguing over addressing the OP's feelings as opposed to addressing the question of what to do with the collar.

They are one in the SAME. Its not about where to put an item. Its about how to reconcile his FEELINGS about the relationship ending. The collar is the sybolism of that. I seriously doubt that he came here to hear suggestions of "hey put it in a drawer", "let her keep it", "put it in your toy box".

He said he felt torn into little pieces. Is it so unnatural for other human beings to offer up support when hearing a person say something so graphic about their pain?

To the OP:

Are you at all offended by anyone who spoke to your pain, or sympathized with you, instead of suggesting where you put the collar for storage????

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 67

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 11:32:53 AM

KennelDeSade2

Posts: 210
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CmotDribbler

I trusted her, and that is part of what hurts the most. I don't like trusting people cause it always ends up with me being hurt.

This world is one of pain and loss, illuminated only briefly by moments of happiness and wonder.
We must live for those times, not bemoan their passing.

(in reply to CmotDribbler)

Post #: 68

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 11:45:19 AM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

I seriously doubt that he came here to hear suggestions of "hey put it in a drawer", "let her keep it", "put it in your toy box".

Actually, that is the question he asked.

quote:

She tried to give the collar back.
I couldn't take it.
What am I going to do with it?

That is the question that I addressed.

_____________________________

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 69

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 11:48:20 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Brosc

I disagree.... while ever people mollycoddle him and let him forget he was part of this - sorry - i will not bow out... I have no reason to. Here he is - losing the 'love of his life' and all he cares about is the symbol. No care for her, needing sympathy from the group, and not a single thought about her. Sorry - he fails

Brosco

In your earlier post you implied that *everyone* was mollycoddling the chap....this isn't quite fact. Some of the posts have been pretty pragmatic with a focus on practicalities.

Your perception may be that he is trying to elicit sympathy.... I didn't find that in his posts myself.

I understand your point regarding the *symbol* of the collar though I can't quite see how you can draw the conclusion that it's his main concern.

Regards, agirl

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 70

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 12:02:48 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CmotDribbler

Well,

My Kitten left me.
She decided it on Wed. night, and told me Thursday afternoon.
And I am literally feel like I have been ripped into tiny little peices.
Just this weekend she was on her knees before me, reaffirming that she wanted to be my Possesion for the rest of our natural lives.
And today, I may never see her again.
She tried to give the collar back.
I couldn't take it.
What am I going to do with it?
She tried putting it on the table in front of me, and that's when I had to walk away, It just hurt too much.
I already know i'm going to give her all the ropes, and toys,
But what about the collar,
I want her to keep it.
I can't, it doesn't belong with me,
But i'm afraid that she might just throw it out.
I believe in her enough to know she wouldn't do that.
but up until two days ago I thought we would never have to even think about it.
Will she just put it in a box to forget about?
I wish I knew how to ask her, without it hurting me more.

I feel so alone.

If you were a woman, I'd say chick flick, bottle of Tequila and a girlfriend to vent with for a good drunk night. Since you're a guy, JD, John Wayne and a home boy. Get a good drunk on for 'a' day, grieve, cry, allow yourself to feel the pain, then when the hang over is gone, move on with your life knowing that pain will dull more and more as each day passes.

Fire is very cleansing by the way. You might want to consider burning the collar. Take heart.. this, too, shall pass.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to CmotDribbler)

Post #: 71

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 12:06:04 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

quote:

I seriously doubt that he came here to hear suggestions of "hey put it in a drawer", "let her keep it", "put it in your toy box".

Actually, that is the question he asked.

quote:

She tried to give the collar back.
I couldn't take it.
What am I going to do with it?

That is the question that I addressed.

"She tried to give the collar back" = She ended the relationship
"I couldnt take it" = I couldnt take the pain of it.
"What am i going to do with it" = How am I going to deal with this ending?

I still cant wrap my mind around someone coming here to ask where he should store a collar. I could be wrong, but I doubt that was what he really needed help with. Just my opinion. Maybe im reading too much into it. I dont know

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

Post #: 72

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 12:19:13 PM

sabswife

Posts: 188
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Brosco

quote:

Please, Don't judge people by their feelings about a collar. To some, they are simple props or fashin statements... to others, they are sacred treasures that, once given, take on a meaning that is hard to ignore if something goes wrong....

Yes - I can understand that - but here we have a 'brokenhearted dom' pining about a symbol rather than the person - I guess, to me at least, it shows the priorities.

i guess the idea of him pining her and what the collar is a symbol OF eludes you. thats pretty sad.

_____________________________

"If you look inside your heart, You don't have to be afraid--Of what you are. There's an answer, If you reach into your soul--And the sorrow that you know Will melt away."

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 73

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 12:48:55 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

quote:

I seriously doubt that he came here to hear suggestions of "hey put it in a drawer", "let her keep it", "put it in your toy box".

Actually, that is the question he asked.

quote:

She tried to give the collar back.
I couldn't take it.
What am I going to do with it?

That is the question that I addressed.

"She tried to give the collar back" = She ended the relationship
"I couldnt take it" = I couldnt take the pain of it.
"What am i going to do with it" = How am I going to deal with this ending?

I still cant wrap my mind around someone coming here to ask where he should store a collar. I could be wrong, but I doubt that was what he really needed help with. Just my opinion. Maybe im reading too much into it. I dont know

Hmm..interesting. We have two different perceptions of what the OP meant. I didnt see it the way you did, but then again *I* could be wrong <s>

_____________________________

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 74

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 1:10:49 PM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
I still cant wrap my mind around someone coming here to ask where he should store a collar. I could be wrong, but I doubt that was what he really needed help with. Just my opinion. Maybe im reading too much into it. I dont know

Actually Marie, some of us are high protocol minded and really would ask for suggestions about what to do about the collar...

A collar means a lot to some, almost nothing to others... but as a symbol of a broken relationship, how he deals with the collar might very well help him find a direction to go with his grief... Hope that makes sense...

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 75

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 1:13:22 PM

MasterRedemption

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Brosco

quote:

ORIGINAL: wytchywoman

CmotDribbler, there is no fight here. In fact, I stated I am not going to debate Brosco. I regret that he decided to react the way he did to my post.

ROFLMAO - I reacted? ok whatever you say :)

Its very simple. A guy has split up with his girl - happens all the time... He loves and cares for her deeply, but strangley is fixated on a symbol, rather than her. In my mind his priorities are completely screwed... but as a reg here, I'm sure your opinion means more.

Wow Brosco .. I like having you around ... it is better than a soap opera .. we could name yours ... As the St. Catherines Wheel Turns .

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 76

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 2:01:06 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Calandra

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo
I still cant wrap my mind around someone coming here to ask where he should store a collar. I could be wrong, but I doubt that was what he really needed help with. Just my opinion. Maybe im reading too much into it. I dont know

Actually Marie, some of us are high protocol minded and really would ask for suggestions about what to do about the collar...

A collar means a lot to some, almost nothing to others... but as a symbol of a broken relationship, how he deals with the collar might very well help him find a direction to go with his grief... Hope that makes sense...

Yes, it does make sense, given the fact that the collar is representative of his pain.

(in reply to Calandra)

Post #: 77

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 2:13:39 PM

scratchingpost

Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

A collar to Me is stronger and more meaningful than a wedding ring. To have her take it off to Me means that she has as others suggested taken back her control and has walked away from the entire relationship.

When you are in pain and pining sometimes the shock of it all prevents you from communicating clearly. I doubt that you are more upset over the collar than her as others suggested but you are stunned and focused on the symbolism.

The collar I gave to My boy is the only collar I have ever given. Though the meaning of it is NOT a full ownership collar (not the one that represents a wedding ring) Seeing him take it off when he needs to leave rips Me apart each and every time. (I am working on a ritual for this so it feels better to put it on and take it off) So I can only imagine the pain and suffering you endure right now given the significance of the collar you gave to her.

I wish you well B/both of Y/you. It doesnt seem that anyone is a "bad guy" and that you are both suffering. for that you both have My sympathy

_____________________________

be safe and smile
purrrs kitty
(=^.^=)
www.misskittys-scratchingpost.com

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 78

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 3:05:00 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

First, my condolences to the OP. Take some time and heal before you jump into anything else... and there is always the possibility that things will change in your favor at some point, if you are patient and don't get clingy or pushy right now. If you read further in the post, you'll understand why...

Brosco,

It does take 2 to tango, but it doesn't always take 2 to end a relationship. Sometimes, especially at the very point that someone realizes that they are close to that point at which they could find themselves giving themselves away completely, they "flip out" and suddenly decide that it is just too scary to be that vulnerable -- they convince themselves they aren't in love, or were never in love, or were never really intending to submit "forever", and they run... but they're not running from anything happening in the relationship -- they're running from the fear of the potential depth of their own submission.

I've seen this happen so many times in the 10 years that I've been providing pastoral care in this community-- that a servant (read slave or submissive individual or pet or whatever you prefer) leaves, in this sudden, earth-shaking way, and even, on occasion, with the individual not telling his or her owner that they were leaving... they just disappear without a word. Sometimes they leave the collar behind (because they don't want to be reminded of how close they came to being truly vulnerable), and sometimes they take it (so that the "former" owner can never use it to persuade them again).

In any case, while it may take 2 to -make- a relationship, there are certainly occasions where it doesn't take 2 to end one.

Da'Avatar ZWD

quote:

ORIGINAL: Brosco

It seems to me that you are more worried about a shattered ego because of a material/symbolic item (the collar) than you are about her. I don't know you, but she did for a reason and it takes 2 to tango.

Brosco

www.klashaan.org

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to Brosco)

Post #: 79

RE: Leaving the Collar behind. - 6/16/2006 3:44:32 PM

wytchywoman

Posts: 510
Joined: 2/27/2006
From: Southeastern Michigan
Status: offline

Thank you for stating the obvious.

_____________________________

Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 80

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